is there a future after a failed relationship with BPD? ~

[Depression = 72% of members]

I would really appreciate hearing from anyone who has moved on completely from their relationship with a pwBPD. Has your experience of later relationships been positive or negative? I am in a long and arduous separation and divorce process from a pwBPD that has left me uncertain of whether I am capable of living normally with someone else in the future. Can normalcy return? If the significant other is not afflicted with BPD, do I have a chance of knowing a loving and accepting relationship again? Can my own codependent tendencies diminish? I am also afraid of always being attracted to the same type of person. Is there a way to break this cycle? I hope that being conscious and aware of everything I have learned about BPD here and elsewhere, and having become aware of my own tendencies is enough, but I am not so sure. Thank you for your input.

[emergent]

I would really appreciate hearing from anyone who has moved on completely from their relationship with a pwBPD. Has your experience of later relationships been positive or negative? I am in a long and arduous separation and divorce process from a pwBPD that has left me uncertain of whether I am capable of living normally with someone else in the future. Can normalcy return? If the significant other is not afflicted with BPD, do I have a chance of knowing a loving and accepting relationship again? Can my own codependent tendencies diminish? I am also afraid of always being attracted to the same type of person. Is there a way to break this cycle? I hope that being conscious and aware of everything I have learned about BPD here and elsewhere, and having become aware of my own tendencies is enough, but I am not so sure. Thank you for your input.

[Joseph54]

Yes

There is a futur and it is bright.

Understanding why you are attracted is the key to futur success.

The only person you need to rescue is yourself.

[Skip]

I would really appreciate hearing from anyone who has moved on completely from their relationship with a pwBPD. Has your experience of later relationships been positive or negative? I am in a long and arduous separation and divorce process from a pwBPD that has left me uncertain of whether I am capable of living normally with someone else in the future. Can normalcy return? If the significant other is not afflicted with BPD, do I have a chance of knowing a loving and accepting relationship again? Can my own codependent tendencies diminish? I am also afraid of always being attracted to the same type of person. Is there a way to break this cycle? I hope that being conscious and aware of everything I have learned about BPD here and elsewhere, and having become aware of my own tendencies is enough, but I am not so sure. Thank you for your input.

What you mention here is all the reason we work together on the boards and in personal inventory.

The short answer is "life goes on".

The brief answer is "do the work, you end up in the same place" So many don't.  :'(

The long answer is take your time peeling back the layers of the onion and learning what happened, what you contributed, and how to stop.

[Mutt]

Hi emergent,

I'm sorry to hear that. I think that divorce is one of the most difficult things to go through in life. It's second to the passing of a loved one. Divorcing a person with BPD wasn't fun and I found that the only people that can truly relate with the experience was with members here.

It was emotionally exhausting with my ex wife's rigid black and white thinking and blame shifting. I recall when our lawyers we would meet with our lawyers and have a discussion before court was in session I was immediately triangulated with her lawyer and my lawyer, two triangles. My lawyer said that he understood what a personality disorder was but he also asked if she was diagnosed. I think that the number of people with mental illness that are not diagnosed was close to 70%. It was hell. That being said.

I know that it may feel like there's no hope now but things do eventually calm down with the emotional barrage that your ex partner is putting you through. It does get better. I recall the feeling that I had when I received my divorce decree. It was bittersweet but the feeling of freedom overshadowed the sadness with the end of my marriage. I no longer had any further obligations.

I think that you can break this cycle with meeting people that have bad behaviors with boundaries. Boundaries are an invisible protective outward layer that protect your inner morals and values. Boundaries is self compassion and self love. If you were to meet someone with traits BPD it would be a good idea to take the time to get to know the person but the push / pull behavior will set of alarm bells against your boundaries.

I'm speaking for myself when I say this but I noticed that I started attracting people with healthier behaviors and boundaries protected me from bad behaviors and it keeps people from bad behaviors out. I started to pull people with good behaviors closer. I also consciously don't rescue and I try to not choose sides because it keeps me out of drama. I'm not saying that everyone that is dramatic is a Cluster B personality disorder but BPD behaviors are the dramatic type.

I think that co-dependent traits do diminish. I identified some of my own behaviors with distorted thinking. I am conscious of them but there are times where things slip through the cracks but I do work in changing my thought patterns and things have improved.

[emergent]

I am pretty sure that my codependency issues arose over the course of this long relationship, in response to BPDw's behaviour. I had no such toxic relationships before, be they romantic or familial or any other kind. I suppose this should make it more hopeful that codependency is not an inherent trait of mine and that I can more easily go back to healthy relationships. I wish I were convinced of this, though. I feel changed, unsure of myself, unable to make decisions on my own based on my own preferences. I've spent so much time giving priority to BPDw's preferences, I don't seem to have any anymore. I'm also hardened, embittered, cynical, and that is probably the worst part. I've lost a lot of trust in people.

[Mutt]

emergent,

I had similar feelings. I wasn't looking after myself and neglected my needs. I think a lot of self care is important. What do you for self care?

I'm also hardened, embittered, cynical, and that is probably the worst part. I've lost a lot of trust in people.

I understand. I felt like giving up on relationships too. I didn't want to go through another experience like that ever again. Not everyone is going to treat you like your ex did.

Do you set boundaries and limits?

[Rubies]

I think we attract all kinds.  We need to undo our reasons why we choose, or allow ourselves to be chosen by, boundary busting crazy makers.  When we spend a large portion of our lives in BPD entanglements, our brain chemistry sets that to "Normal."  there are plenty of people willing to feed the fix.

To find our future we need to set our New Normal.  I think I'm one of the few who slapped strict NC boundaries on BPDxh as soon as papers were filed along with his flying monkey circus.  Never once did I miss him or his people.  With them out of the way I had to address where I was when he swept me up.  Quite a bit of housekeeping to do on self and in the FOO too.

I am the one who defines who I am.  I now put my reality and my feelings as a priority without need to explain or 2nd guess.  I set my boundaries according to my comfort zone.   My life, my rules, my healing journey back to being myself.   Only when I know who I am can I hope to find a  compatible mate.

I learned just because a person knows how to hit your brain chemistry, doesn't mean you have to indulge, especially if it involves a "familiar" feeling.   I don't care if he smells like chocolate, I get sick if I eat 5 pounds of chocolate.

What I value most are friendship, respect, trust and shared experiences.   These relationships take time to build.  Those incapable or looking for something else move along quickly.

[emergent]

Thanks to all of you for your encouraging responses.

For self-care, since the beginning of this relationship 15 years ago I have had a fairly intense and regular spiritual practice. In the beginning, I was studying Buddhism both formally and informally, and meditating often. I kept that up, and also added a near-daily yoga practice, which has only intensified in the past three or four years as I went through a thorough teacher training. These have been the axes of my self-care. But there has been a big change most recently, as I realized so many things about BPD and how I as a non was using my spiritual practice as an escape, and worse, as justification for giving priority to the other. I take a lot of "me" time, but mostly in the morning before the kids wake up, before any of my other responsibilities kick in, and in fact, it's often been not "me" time but "erasing me" time. I don't like to talk about this, because I am afraid people will get the wrong idea of Buddhism and yoga. These paths are not as confused as I have been. It is I who interpreted the notion of compassion all wrong.

As I said, I have gone through a big change and I have a different approach now. It is still very difficult to define what is boundary-setting and what is just plain selfish, but it's becoming clearer. For a long time, any and all boundary-setting seemed selfish to me. I did not believe I had needs, just selfish wants. It's not a question of feeling undeserving - I think I have sufficient self-esteem - but more just a super-tolerance of difficulty. Why? I don't know. As long as whatever it was did not kill me, I thought my needs were met and that was enough. And also that I should be focusing on the suffering behind all the aggression and hatred that BPDw was showing me instead of my own suffering. Not anymore. I still grapple with it, but I now recognize that to be truly well, I need more than food and shelter. And that it's ok to think of my own well-being, because I do indeed have needs.

I know this ramble would be better placed on the personal inventory board, but it's my response to the questions Mutt asked here... .Thank you, Mutt.

[homefree]

I can relate to this, Emergent. I would focus all of my energy on making sure she was getting what she wanted, because if she was happy then I was happy. My needs just seemed to fade away over time, until the only need I had was to feel like she was happy to be with me. Just reading that sentence from a neutral perspective, it's obvious how subservient and unhealthy that type of relationship is. We deserve more.   

[Penelope35]

I think we attract all kinds.  We need to undo our reasons why we choose, or allow ourselves to be chosen by, boundary busting crazy makers.  When we spend a large portion of our lives in BPD entanglements, our brain chemistry sets that to "Normal."  there are plenty of people willing to feed the fix.

To find our future we need to set our New Normal.  I think I'm one of the few who slapped strict NC boundaries on BPDxh as soon as papers were filed along with his flying monkey circus.  Never once did I miss him or his people.  With them out of the way I had to address where I was when he swept me up.  Quite a bit of housekeeping to do on self and in the FOO too.

I am the one who defines who I am.  I now put my reality and my feelings as a priority without need to explain or 2nd guess.  I set my boundaries according to my comfort zone.   My life, my rules, my healing journey back to being myself.   Only when I know who I am can I hope to find a  compatible mate.

I learned just because a person knows how to hit your brain chemistry, doesn't mean you have to indulge, especially if it involves a "familiar" feeling.   I don't care if he smells like chocolate, I get sick if I eat 5 pounds of chocolate.

What I value most are friendship, respect, trust and shared experiences.   These relationships take time to build.  Those incapable or looking for something else move along quickly.

Very well said! I hope I can get to this way of thinking soon... .

[Mutt]

“Be gentle first with yourself if you wish to be gentle with others.” ~Lama Yeshe

It's my pleasure. I felt the same way about boundaries. I had interpreted it as selfishness. I thought about not having boundaries and its really putting my trust in others to not hurt me? How does someone else know what is over the limit if I don't have boundaries?

I think that some things you don't really have to explain but not everyone is self aware of their own behaviors. My ex wife knows what my limits are and sometimes she feels out if control with something in her personal life and is trying to control her environment. That is usually when I have to defend my boundaries but generally she understands them.

I think that in order to be happy show yourself self compassion and show compassion to others. We can have compassion with boundaries. I think that caretaker qualities are good. For example a way that I use my caretaker qualities is I volunteer my time to help others.

[blanchard]

Yes, normalcy returns, but after having been put through the BPD mangle, it will bear utterly no resemblance to what was decreed to be normal before BPD entered your life. 

Life is infinitely better after all taint of BPD was removed from my life.

However, regarding relationships, I was definitely a little raw moving ahead, and I saw BPD EVERYWHERE! 

I resisted all of my mind's efforts to rush to a BPD judgement, and lived to prosper and exult in a new and exceedingly normal relationship. 

Honestly, my friends, your life is going to shine with the brilliance of a thousand suns once you finally decide to kick BPD to the curb once and for all!

[emergent]

until the only need I had was to feel like she was happy to be with me.  

This is exactly it. It's not even your/my need we're concerned about, it's hers. And actually, as far as you/I know, she doesn't need that.

One of the things I learned in Nonviolent Communication training is that a need cannot be for someone else to feel/do something. Needs are things like shelter, love, acceptance, and they can be met by any number of means. I think in this case, the only need I felt (not that I didn't have others, but I wasn't in touch with them) was that of love. I unconsciously believed that if I could make her happy to be with me (which I now know I couldn't), my need for love would be met. Well, maybe it would have. The point is that I think I projected my own need onto her, probably as part of the self-effacement I mentioned in my spiritual practice.

I don't know if this makes sense, but it's quite a realization for me.

[emergent]

There are some really helpful and practical responses here. Thank you so much Joseph54, Rubies, blanchard... .

[hergestridge]

I was alone for a year after my breakup. Then I met (and fell in love with) a woman who has a huge integrity. She calls me out on my bull___ (when I try to avoid taking responsibility by being a people pleaser) and she expresses all her needs very clearly. It is sometimes intimidating but for the most part wonderful.

It is real love, not love under threat.

[emergent]

It's good to know there's hope for love without threat! Thanks.

[circularref]

I would really appreciate hearing from anyone who has moved on completely from their relationship with a pwBPD. Has your experience of later relationships been positive or negative? I am in a long and arduous separation and divorce process from a pwBPD that has left me uncertain of whether I am capable of living normally with someone else in the future. Can normalcy return? If the significant other is not afflicted with BPD, do I have a chance of knowing a loving and accepting relationship again? Can my own codependent tendencies diminish? I am also afraid of always being attracted to the same type of person. Is there a way to break this cycle? I hope that being conscious and aware of everything I have learned about BPD here and elsewhere, and having become aware of my own tendencies is enough, but I am not so sure. Thank you for your input.

While I haven't completely moved on, I am certainly in a much better place now and I started dating this woman. It isn't so serious (yet), but I can tell you how good it feels to be with someone with normal expectations, normal reactions and particularly that treats you as an individual with its own needs and desires. However, I'm really closed up and not ready at all to open up. She's been very understanding with this and I'm hoping that in time I will be able to be more trusting.

So to answer your questions. Yes normalcy will return. Yes a loving and accepting relationship is possible. Yes, you've learned a lot about yourself with your pwBPD, so you will be more aware of your dynamics in a new relationship. But, I think it will take time, I'm certainly being overly cautious as a reaction to my previous relationship.

What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger.

[borderdude]

it is like ending an abusive pattern, like a drug addict stops his abuse. It gradually feels better with a lot of withdrawal symptoms. You always think getting back , they say once an abuser always an abuser towards regular drugs, I think it is the same in this topic too until you set you mind to a new normal, a rs without drama and manipulation.

I was grown up with a BPD mother, so I am ready and programmed , everything feels right and familiar when I meet these kind of women.

[Rmbrworst]

The problem I am having right now is getting back to loving myself.

Before I met my BPD ex partner, I really enjoyed myself.  I liked being alone.  I was confident, worked on my own goals, had a lot of self worth.  I felt like a 100% whole human being.  In fact, I had NO DESIRE to date anybody!  I had a huge amount of friends who adored me and loved me.  I was literally the perfect example of someone who "had it together".

This relationship has only been 6 months, but I feel like it has totally stripped me of all self worth.   In this short time, I have learned to put someone else's needs over my own.  I was only happy when I made him happy.  I would do things totally out of my comfort zone, just so he wouldn't run away from me and freak out.  

Even after literally giving 100% of my body and soul to this person . . . he left me in the dust, with absolutely no warning.  

I feel like I gave everything, and have been discarded.

And even still,  all I want is to have him back . . . because I "love" him.

But right now, the truly sad part is . . . I dont love myself anymore.  I dont even know HOW to start loving myself again.  I feel like I'm not worthy of it . . . I dont feel like the man I was 6 months ago!  It's absolutely insane.  I feel so terrible.  I sleep all day to avoid life and I hardly get through work.  My friends dont talk to me much anymore because I have isolated myself completely.  I cant be around my friends because all I do is cry and complain about my BPD relationship.

For people who have recovered, can you please send me anything that may help me move on from this and start loving myself again?   I dont even know who I am at the moment . . . it's like I've been stripped of my life through this chaotic relationship.

I know that if I start to love myself again, that I will be able to put this behind me.  However, if I'm going to continue to ruminate and idealize this person, I will never move ahead. 

It's sad, because logically I know what's best and what to do . . . but emotionally, there is this invisible power that keeps me held back.

[borderdude]

The problem I am having right now is getting back to loving myself.

Before I met my BPD ex partner, I really enjoyed myself.  I liked being alone.  I was confident, worked on my own goals, had a lot of self worth.  I felt like a 100% whole human being.  In fact, I had NO DESIRE to date anybody!  I had a huge amount of friends who adored me and loved me.  I was literally the perfect example of someone who "had it together".

This relationship has only been 6 months, but I feel like it has totally stripped me of all self worth.   In this short time, I have learned to put someone else's needs over my own.  I was only happy when I made him happy.  I would do things totally out of my comfort zone, just so he wouldn't run away from me and freak out.  

Even after literally giving 100% of my body and soul to this person . . . he left me in the dust, with absolutely no warning.  

I feel like I gave everything, and have been discarded.

And even still,  all I want is to have him back . . . because I "love" him.

But right now, the truly sad part is . . . I dont love myself anymore.  I dont even know HOW to start loving myself again.  I feel like I'm not worthy of it . . . I dont feel like the man I was 6 months ago!  It's absolutely insane.  I feel so terrible.  I sleep all day to avoid life and I hardly get through work.  My friends dont talk to me much anymore because I have isolated myself completely.  I cant be around my friends because all I do is cry and complain about my BPD relationship.

For people who have recovered, can you please send me anything that may help me move on from this and start loving myself again?   I dont even know who I am at the moment . . . it's like I've been stripped of my life through this chaotic relationship.

I know that if I start to love myself again, that I will be able to put this behind me.  However, if I'm going to continue to ruminate and idealize this person, I will never move ahead.  

It's sad, because logically I know what's best and what to do . . . but emotionally, there is this invisible power that keeps me held back.

She gradually made you move your boundaries, even you knew that was wrong. She did not actually do it, YOU let it happen. You might think: if I change to her , I will be payed back with her love ? but the exact opposite happened. She disrespect and you have become a part of her illness maybe a codependent full of guilt, ... .see F.O.G. for further reference. You feel it is your obligation to save her, but you cannot when you yourself has become "sick" by not protecting your own boundaries. She do might not be able to return your empathy, intimacy make her empty you completely. You cannot give what you do not obtain, start thinking of yourself.

you must start to get out of the fog, and reclaim yourself , it is quite similar to ending a drug abuse , with withdraval symptoms. All mentioned are compulsary reading material on this site, and lots of it. She needs professional help, but if she do not want it you cannot do much, she will drag both of you down, and usually worsen her own behaviour by having you around.

You will find love, but only on the basis of respect and healthy boundaries, key components in all relationships, that is the opposite of giving your inner status away hoping to be returned with love. Find your direction, find your inner voice your status and attract as you once did.

[Rmbrworst]

It's so true.  Looking back on the relationship,  I was constantly moving my boundaries in extreme ways, just to make this person happy.  I need to (and I am) putting my boundaries back in place.  What's so funny, is that I am not like this in any of my other relationships.  With friends, family, co workers, I have very firm boundaries and I put myself first, even though I am very giving and caring person.

But in love . . . I just erode all of that away, and give myself more than I should. 

I know I allowed this to happen . . . I have to stop allowing it and I have to fix these boundaries and love myself. 

Right now, I'm not looking for love.  I  need to repair a lot of things about myself, and make sure I have firm boundaries in place before I start another relationship. 

Unlike people who suffer from BPD , I have to gather strength from myself . . . not suck it out of the people around me.

Much love.  Thank you.

[borderdude]

The problem I am having right now is getting back to loving myself.

Before I met my BPD ex partner, I really enjoyed myself.  I liked being alone.  I was confident, worked on my own goals, had a lot of self worth.  I felt like a 100% whole human being.  In fact, I had NO DESIRE to date anybody!  I had a huge amount of friends who adored me and loved me.  I was literally the perfect example of someone who "had it together".

This relationship has only been 6 months, but I feel like it has totally stripped me of all self worth.   In this short time, I have learned to put someone else's needs over my own.  I was only happy when I made him happy.  I would do things totally out of my comfort zone, just so he wouldn't run away from me and freak out.  

Even after literally giving 100% of my body and soul to this person . . . he left me in the dust, with absolutely no warning.  

I feel like I gave everything, and have been discarded.

And even still,  all I want is to have him back . . . because I "love" him.

But right now, the truly sad part is . . . I dont love myself anymore.  I dont even know HOW to start loving myself again.  I feel like I'm not worthy of it . . . I dont feel like the man I was 6 months ago!  It's absolutely insane.  I feel so terrible.  I sleep all day to avoid life and I hardly get through work.  My friends dont talk to me much anymore because I have isolated myself completely.  I cant be around my friends because all I do is cry and complain about my BPD relationship.

For people who have recovered, can you please send me anything that may help me move on from this and start loving myself again?   I dont even know who I am at the moment . . . it's like I've been stripped of my life through this chaotic relationship.

I know that if I start to love myself again, that I will be able to put this behind me.  However, if I'm going to continue to ruminate and idealize this person, I will never move ahead. 

It's sad, because logically I know what's best and what to do . . . but emotionally, there is this invisible power that keeps me held back.

just replace she with he in my reply ... the result is just the same.

[UserName69]

I would really appreciate hearing from anyone who has moved on completely from their relationship with a pwBPD. Has your experience of later relationships been positive or negative? I am in a long and arduous separation and divorce process from a pwBPD that has left me uncertain of whether I am capable of living normally with someone else in the future. Can normalcy return? If the significant other is not afflicted with BPD, do I have a chance of knowing a loving and accepting relationship again? Can my own codependent tendencies diminish? I am also afraid of always being attracted to the same type of person. Is there a way to break this cycle? I hope that being conscious and aware of everything I have learned about BPD here and elsewhere, and having become aware of my own tendencies is enough, but I am not so sure. Thank you for your input.

Normalcy will return after a long period, the length of this period depends on the person. I have been in NC for almost 9 months and I have been seeing an another girl. Once you get in this stage it will get much easier because you know that you're not alone, and you're going to experience that everything that happened in your previous relationship wasn't your fault.

Because of the terrible RS I had with my exBPD I can spot the red flags very easily before it's too late. A friend of mine was dating a girl he met online. I'm very close to this guy so we talk a lot about private matters. The way how he described his date was like he was describing my exBPD. It turns out that this girl is a pwBPD.

[bellacopia]

I am the one who defines who I am.  I now put my reality and my feelings as a priority without need to explain or 2nd guess.  I set my boundaries according to my comfort zone.  

I learned just because a person knows how to hit your brain chemistry, doesn't mean you have to indulge, especially if it involves a "familiar" feeling.   I don't care if he smells like chocolate, I get sick if I eat 5 pounds of chocolate.

What I value most are friendship, respect, trust and shared experiences.   These relationships take time to build.  Those incapable or looking for something else move along quickly

Well put! Thank you.