Words Fail Me

[Red Devil]

Is it normal for a ex borderline girlfriend to tex you asking how you are and how much you miss them and you peek on their Facebook and the current boyfriend is sending her love songs and telling her how much he loves her and she replies saying I love you, you are my heart, my soul mate, my only one. Unbelievable. Ive switched my phone off, Im not responding.

She's been with this guy 2 years, with me only 3 months previously. Our relationship was based mainly on sex. She was a user as in getting people to do her favours, money etc. The guy before her was older, fatter did not look after himself and she used him to get a deposit for a apartment then dumped him to be with me. When I was with her I got a Mobile Phone Contract out in my name. She let me down, missed payments etc so I transferred ownership of the phone over to her and was painted black. The guy she is with (2 years) in that time she has slept with me, had a drunken phone call saying she loved me and asked to move in with me. When I said No I never heard from her and she went to live with her Boyfriend. Am I right in thinking she is staying with him as he's supplied her with a house and is maybe a little needy. I don't mean to sound arrogant when I say I am well groomed, good physique, look after myself, and he looks scruffy and over weight. I never want her back I just need to make sense of it all as the ego is a little bashed to be honest. Are they cold with people like myself who have boundries and won't be taking advantage off and do they stay longer with needy guys who will cater to their every whim ?

[didionit]

It's pretty typical.  Not to get too graphic, but, my ex texted me sexually explicit photos and a video of himself, while simultaneously posting topless photos of his new gf (his 'actual love' to instagram.  Then, I received an email informing me he would always love me.  Then, the next day, another informing me that I was soulless and broken and awful.

Basically... .you can't look for sense and rationality where none exists.

[steve195915]

Is it normal for a ex borderline girlfriend to tex you asking how you are and how much you miss them and you peek on their Facebook and the current boyfriend is sending her love songs and telling her how much he loves her and she replies saying I love you, you are my heart, my soul mate, my only one. Unbelievable. Ive switched my phone off, Im not responding.

She's been with this guy 2 years, with me only 3 months previously. Our relationship was based mainly on sex. She was a user as in getting people to do her favours, money etc. The guy before her was older, fatter did not look after himself and she used him to get a deposit for a apartment then dumped him to be with me. When I was with her I got a Mobile Phone Contract out in my name. She let me down, missed payments etc so I transferred ownership of the phone over to her and was painted black. The guy she is with (2 years) in that time she has slept with me, had a drunken phone call saying she loved me and asked to move in with me. When I said No I never heard from her and she went to live with her Boyfriend. Am I right in thinking she is staying with him as he's supplied her with a house and is maybe a little needy. I don't mean to sound arrogant when I say I am well groomed, good physique, look after myself, and he looks scruffy and over weight. I never want her back I just need to make sense of it all as the ego is a little bashed to be honest. Are they cold with people like myself who have boundries and won't be taking advantage off and do they stay longer with needy guys who will cater to their every whim ?

Just read what you wrote and the answers are obvious.  Yes they are driven by their needs, if they don't feel you can provide for them they walk away.  Even if you are providing for their needs, their fear of abandonment may cause them to be looking for other options at the same time, they may cheat, and you may be dumped and they do it with no remorse no matter how close you thought you were.  Welcome to the insane world of a pwBPD.

[Red Devil]

I know what you mean, Its the trying to make sense of things. I would never want this person back, Just my ego take a hit to be honest. It happens when you take care of yourself and you only last 3 months with them and there with a downgrade replacement for 2 years. The only thing I can think of is he's supplying a home. She always told me about these good jobs she had but no history of work in a few years, always seem to be on the scrounge, terrible with money etc.

[Red Devil]

So would my enforcing transfer of ownership of a mobile phone and not letting her move in with me trigger her abandonment fears ? Do they feel easier being with someone who doesn't look after themselves as theres less chance of them abandoning them ?  She also said a while back that I never ring or tex her . Well Im not likely to if she's with someone else and when I was with her and did, shed idnt always reply. I ashamedly had sex with her after she met the current guy and he was ringing and she ignored the call

[Mutt]

Just read what you wrote and the answers are obvious.  Yes they are driven by their needs, if they don't feel you can provide for them they walk away.

I agree. I things its generalizing that all pwBPD walk away. Speaking for myself my ex wife didn't. She left because I triggered her fear of abandonment by telling her that I wanted a divorce. We were together for several years and in the idealization phase I was split white for 100% of the time and then it was 80% of the time. Gradually I was split black more often than split white as the relationship progressed. I was split white 20% time until I triggered what she fears most which us being alone. I was split black.

The behavior that your ex is displaying in your original post is splitting Red Devil. She split you black when you stopped taking care of the mobile phone and transferred the ownership to her. If she has a need or needs something taken care of then that person is split white. If that person is not fulfilling whatever the pwBPD needs then the person is pushed away and split black.

[Red Devil]

So basically if you bow down to them and give them a home, give them money and never lay boundries you remain white. I suppose where we nons get puzzled and especially me in this case, we see ourselves as well groomed, good points etc, and we can see them with some person who would normally struggle to meet other women and our ego says What ?  With a normal person setting boundries would get you respect and letting yourself be walked over would get you to be disrespected

[Lonely_Astro]

So would my enforcing transfer of ownership of a mobile phone and not letting her move in with me trigger her abandonment fears ? Do they feel easier being with someone who doesn't look after themselves as theres less chance of them abandoning them ?  She also said a while back that I never ring or tex her . Well Im not likely to if she's with someone else and when I was with her and did, shed idnt always reply. I ashamedly had sex with her after she met the current guy and he was ringing and she ignored the call

Looks has absolutely nothing to do with.  I say that because several of your posts have made references to how your ex's flame(s) look vs how you look.  PwBPD certainly don't see the world like we do, as others have said their 'self' is driven by their needs.  The person supplying that need is an object.  What I just said is an extremely harsh but basic view of it.  The problem we see is that everything (usually) they told us is true... .in that moment.  Your ex loved you (in her way) right up until the moment she didn't.  It's very black and white and also very unfair.

The length of time that they are in a r/s also various.  Sometimes it's 3 months, 3 years, or even 30 years.  There are a ton of factors that play into why some are longer and others are shorter.  I have had two r/s with my ex.  One is just now ending and I have my moments of self doubt (am I doing the right thing, etc).  The 1st one was about 4 months, the second a year.  After the first r/s, we were nc for 3 years.  She married my replacement and we started talking again at a time I thought she was divorcing.  So, I was 4 months, he was roughly 4 years, we were a year (overlap).  During our year, I later was able to emotionally link her to 3 others (so, 5 of us this year alone).

You can't see it (and neither can I, right now), but you dodged a bullet and was only involved for 3 months.  Be grateful it wasn't 3 years or more.  Trust me, I've been where you've been.  It gets better when you feel comfortable letting go.

[izabellizima]

I read an article on a site called returnofkings about dating BPD girls. I hate that site but it said that these girls will chew up and spit out needy tools.

Maybe if she had found a great looking guy who was a needy tool she would have taken him instead of the overweight ungroomed one she is with now. That is one possibility.

Do keep in mind, taste is so personal, though. My ex was with men before being with me. Said she liked small feminine guys. Ew. I date men who are tall and manly and just do not understand wanting some tiny dude with wide hips, yuch! But to her that is gross... .meh.

Either way, that girl you mentioned is probably using this dude. If she found true love with the guy you think is ugly, good for her. It would probably get to her to see you with a hotter girl than she believes herself to be. If you were with an ugly chick, her ego would probably be boosted. Just my opinion as a woman.

Either way: Not your monkey, not your circus. *highfive

[Mutt]

So basically if you bow down to them and give them a home, give them money and never lay boundries you remain white. I suppose where we nons get puzzled and especially me in this case, we see ourselves as well groomed, good points etc, and we can see them with some person who would normally struggle to meet other women and our ego says What ?  With a normal person setting boundries would get you respect and letting yourself be walked over would get you to be disrespected

BPD is a spectrum disorder with different severity and traits. Everyone that is afflicted with the disorder is a different person with a different personality. The behaviors are chronic, rigid and long -term to be diagnosable. You also have high functioning and low functioning pwBPD. BPD is treatable and some people recover and some people are in treatment and some are not diagnosed.

I read an article on a site called returnofkings about dating BPD girls. I hate that site but it said that these girls will chew up and spit out

I don't think that we can generalize like the article. They are talking about an u treated borderline but it sounds right. My ex is undiagnosed and is untreated and displays traits of the borderline personality type. I didn't set boundaries at the onset of the relationship and I set them much later on and that's when we started having big problems in our relationship. A pwBPD relinquish control during the idealization phase ti attach to their partners and later will try to regain that control in the r/s. I think that it's not one size fits all but I wouldn't suggest staying in a relationship with an untreated pwBPD.