I don't know how to proceed

[Ownfir]

Hi Everyone,

I am 22 years old, and coming out of a relationship with an uBPDex (20f) that ended almost two months ago. Like most BPD relationships we started out really hot and ended in a fire. I made huge sacrifices to be in the relationship with her, and spent large amounts of time, money, tears, and submission to make her happy. I had no knowledge of BPD or how to react to it. I didn't understand SET nor did I understand the concept of JADE and avoiding it.

When we broke up I was devastated. It was triggered by a really minute argument, where I ended up telling her "she was being a b___ to me, and she knew it." Of course I apologized immensely (I had never name-called prior to that) and tried to make up for it. By the end of the night she had made up her mind. In retrospect (and from talking with her afterwards) I realized that she broke up with me to self-improve, she recognized she was abusing me and needed to get out so I could grow and so she could seek therapy and get her life in order. Our relationship only lasted around 3 months, and even then it was a very intense three months with talks of marriage, kids, family, etc. We moved in together have 3 weeks, basically we just moved too fast.

After our breakup I discovered BPD after having a mental breakdown one night with my family. My sister suggested I google codependency and that's when I found out about BPD.

I am a codependent person. I am actively attending CODA, and am in CBT therapy for anxiety and c-ptsd (which I believe came as a result of the abuse from our relationship and is intertwined with my childhood abuse from my father.)

Like a week after our breakup we started talking, and sort of figured our problems out. No intent to get back together, but rather to self improve. That being said, "getting back together" was a definite maybe, and she told me on more than a few occasions that she saw a future with me and wanted to marry me but needed time to fix herself. I respected this completely and took that time to improve myself as well.

In the process of improving myself, I began to discover boundary setting and self-worth. I grew resentful towards our relationship and began to place blame on her for "ruining my life" effectively. Of course it takes two to make a relationship fail, however all of us know that maintaining a relationship with a pwBPD is extremely difficult. Coupled with my own mental illnesses that I had recently discovered, I was really overwhelmed.

She began to push my boundaries, continually asking for money or to use services (ie. netflix) and attacking me if there was problems with me fulfilling those wishes. I finally reached a point where I decided I didn't want to maintain a relationship with her anymore. I sent a long, poignant text message to her explaining my anger over the relationship and her actions, and effectively cutting her out of my life. I honestly wanted nothing more to do with her. I blocked her right afterwards and began NC for the first time. This was 2 weeks ago.

This morning I get a text from my sister, telling me that my ex had been contacting her trying to get someone to pick up my things. She has a gun of mine, and was saying she didn't feel safe having it in the house and was going to bring it to the police office if someone didn't come to pick it up.

In all honesty, I know that she was hovering here, as she could have contacted my friends or simply dropped off my things at my house as I had asked. She also recently contacted my best friend (whom she's never contacted before) wishing him a merry christmas. She knew she was blocked in my phone so I think she's been trying to leave breadcrumbs for me, but i could be wrong.

Regardless, I've felt remorse over my text and actions recently. I don't like to end things in the way I did, however at the time I felt it was needed for me to let go and self improve, as well as overcome my codependency. In retrospect, her knowing my true feelings didn't help our relationship, but it did help me.

I sent her a text thanking her for reaching out to my sister, and asking if we could meet up to talk in person. I explained that I wanted to clear the air between us, however i made no indication of getting back together or anything of that nature.

I was thinking she would be receptive towards a chance to reconcile. However she instead responded that she was extremely upset with me and in disbelief in the hurtful words that I sent her. She said "she didn't really know if she was up for meeting" and also that "she didn't really know if she could ever forgive me." Finishing with "I'll probably have x give you you things."

Of course, if she was actually done she would have simply said "No. I will leave your things with x and he will give them to you."

She's basically trying to use FOG (Namely guilt) to get me to fight for her and seek her validation and forgiveness. From my perspective, She wants control again and wants the upper hand. I think right now she feels afraid of me, and probably alone/lonely.

I now recognize my role in our relationship failing. I now understand that while I might be a victim, I put myself in that situation. I'm upset with her for taking advantage of me, however I equally recognize she suffers from a serious mental illness and can't regulate emotion and recognize her fault in situations. Holding this over her head is like being angry at an autistic person for hitting me. I just can't expect the same treatment from her. More than anything, I want her to grow and get the help she needs. She has discussed seeing a therapist although AFAIK she has yet to do so. I feel that if she has the perspective that her last relationship ended because she was a horrible abusive person (as I led her to believe from my text) she'll feel predestined to continue the pattern rather than overcome it.

I want to apologize to her for my role in the relationship failing and for hurting her from my codependent actions. I don't expect she'll apologize to me, however I hope that she'll be more open to looking at our relationship as a learning experience after this rather than the current perspective she has of me (that I'm mean and hurt her with my mean words and thus the relationship was mean and I only manipulated her, etc. )

How do I go about this?

The last text I sent was basically just a standard SET message (You're justified in being angry, I can see that you're hurt and upset with my actions, the truth is that both of us have made mistakes and can benefit from fixing them.)

She just messaged me 3 hours later accusing me of blocking her on facebook, to which I informed her I had simply deleted it and all my social media all together. She responded "K."

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[livednlearned]

Hi Ownfir,

It's hard to have relationship drama around the holidays   I hope things stabilize a little for both of you.

And also, it's great that you're being so self aware early in your 20s about relationships, and being so proactive to take care of yourself like this.

The last text I sent was basically just a standard SET message (You're justified in being angry, I can see that you're hurt and upset with my actions, the truth is that both of us have made mistakes and can benefit from fixing them.)

The S (support) and E (empathy) are good, it's the T (truth) that seems to swing off here toward some JADEing (justifying, arguing, defending, explaining). I would read this as, "I know you're angry, but you have some responsibility here too."

A truth statement, especially following the S and E statements, might be "I think it's best if I don't text you emotionally loaded messages." Or "I need to get centered when my feelings are on tilt and not text you when I'm emotional."

What do you think?

And what would you like the relationship to be going forward? Are you hoping for resolution with her? Or wanting the relationship to start up again?

[Ownfir]

This response was SUPER helpful. I think I had the wrong idea of how to use SET. In this case I'm clearly taking responsibility for my actions, and thus my truth needs to reinforce that without JADEing.

           

Honestly, I just want resolution.

I don't think I'm strong enough to handle a relationship with her right now due to my own codependent issues. Until I move past those issues I feel that I would only enable her and we wouldn't be able to have a healthy relationship. I'm not at a stage in my life right now where I have the capability to maintain my boundaries in a way that a pwBPD would need. I'm also not emotionally stable to the point where I can offer the consistency and strength for her to rely on me for support during her turbulance.

The only way I would consider a relationship with her again is if she was practicing DBT, and my codependency and anxiety issues were handled better. I'm attending CODA and Therapy, trying to deal with this because I've realized that if I remain how I am I'm doomed to a lifetime of unhealthy relationships.

[livednlearned]

I just want resolution.

Resolution can be complicated in BPD relationships. Often, closure is something we have to give ourselves, it's not always something we can get from the other person.

What does resolution look like for you?

[Ownfir]

I just want resolution.

Resolution can be complicated in BPD relationships. Often, closure is something we have to give ourselves, it's not always something we can get from the other person.

What does resolution look like for you?

To me, resolution is knowing that I handled our separation to the best of my ability. This would come in the form of an honest apology correctly delivered in a manner that she can genuinely see and one day accept.

Resolution to me doesn't mean she forgives me. I know I can't control that. It just means that I've done all I can to repair the damage I've done.

Would I like her to apologize to me for her actions? Of course. However I know both emotionally and logically that her being able to do that is next to impossible given her PD. I'm just tired of feeling like an ass for neglecting/abandoning her. I felt this way without her needing to instigate it, and thus have come to realize I regret the way I handled initiating NC last time. I don't like knowing I hurt people, and then not taking ownership for it.

[MapleBob]

The S (support) and E (empathy) are good, it's the T (truth) that seems to swing off here toward some JADEing (justifying, arguing, defending, explaining). I would read this as, "I know you're angry, but you have some responsibility here too."

A truth statement, especially following the S and E statements, might be "I think it's best if I don't text you emotionally loaded messages." Or "I need to get centered when my feelings are on tilt and not text you when I'm emotional."

This is incredibly good advice.

[Ownfir]

Update:

We met tonight to get some of my things back.

It was kind of an interesting headway. A few nights back she had asked if I wanted to pick up my things, however I had prior plans for new years and was unable. I also told her that we didn't need to talk and that she could leave my things with her roommate. I basically told her I respected her space and that she was free to communicate with me when she was ready, I then wished her a happy new year.

She didn't respond.

Friday we didn't talk, which didn't really bother me. Today (Saturday) she messaged me asking if I wanted to pick up my things from her house. We met tonight, and my anxiety was off the roof. She had a friend with her and they were going out, so the exchange was pretty short. She just handed me my things, and then gave me a hug and told me to drive home safe.

I sent her the following text like 30 minutes later:

"Thank you again for giving me my things.

I'm sorry for everything that's happened between us recently. I have an actual apology that I still owe you. If/when you're up to it, let me know and we can talk.

I hope you have a good time tonight. You look beautiful, as always."

She responded a few minutes later with "Thank you, I appreciate that."


I don't know why I included the part about her looking beautiful. To be honest, she did. It was a pretty emotional experience for me afterwards. A big feeling of relief. Sending the text gave me some closure that I needed. Now it's her choice if she decides to reconnect, and I'm no longer feeling the anxiety that I felt of needing to repair things. I'm also comfortable with the space I've created. I don't feel a stress that she needs to message me. I'm okay whether or not she chooses to reach out to me, and that's a great feeling. I feel like I'm free to work on myself now without the baggage of my past mistake holding me down.

I don't see us getting back together, and probably not maintaining a friendship either. However I'm thankful that I was able to at least repair the damage done, even if just in the smallest amount.

[Euler2718]

Well, congratulations for figuring out all this when you're 22. Most of us (me, anyway) just do whatever feels right with no study or introspection -- which works poorly with healthy people and disastrously with BPD.

If you can manage not to get sucked back in, though, I guess the best advice is, if you see someone with BPD, run. Unless they're  between you and the door, in which case, say you have to use the bathroom and then climb out the bathroom window.

(That last part was just a joke -- your ending leaves things better).