Just got a text from her

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

So J and I agreed we wouldn't be speaking on a personal level (for at least 2 months) starting the 1st.  We said our final goodbyes during the week and even up until a few hours before midnight.  Many of you know my struggles with the decision, but she just text me this:

"Happy New Year Astro! I wish you the best in the next year and many more to come!"

Is that a test to see if I'll stay firm on my stance?  I'm not sure why her texting me bothers me, but it does.

Any thoughts/advice would be helpful and appreciated.

[Lonely_Astro]

So J and I agreed we wouldn't be speaking on a personal level (for at least 2 months) starting the 1st.  We said our final goodbyes during the week and even up until a few hours before midnight.  Many of you know my struggles with the decision, but she just text me this:

"Happy New Year Astro! I wish you the best in the next year and many more to come!"

Is that a test to see if I'll stay firm on my stance?  I'm not sure why her texting me bothers me, but it does.

Any thoughts/advice would be helpful and appreciated.

[izabellizima]

testing her power over you... .stay NC, even if it is hard

[Lonely_Astro]

testing her power over you... .stay NC, even if it is hard

That's my gut feeling.  She's basically testing to see if she can break that boundary or not.  It is tough though... .New Years day was a historically significant day for us last year (something she brought up during our final week of talking).

Honestly I'm surprised she texted me anything at all today.  I expected her to have already moved on (or have split me black enough to not reach out).

[enlighten me]

Or it could just be that she was reminiscing and sent the text without thinking. We can all do this and then regret doing it especially if we have been drinking.

[Lonely_Astro]

Or it could just be that she was reminiscing and sent the text without thinking. We can all do this and then regret doing it especially if we have been drinking.

Maybe.  But midnight was 12+ hours ago.

[enlighten me]

For some people new years day can be a big deal. If she misses you then the thought of a whole year ahead without you could have triggered her and she wanted to reach out. At that time she probably thought it was a good idea. five minutes later her mindset may have changed. My ex wife does things like this all the time. She does things that she thinks are a good idea and then regrets them or cant work out why it didn't work.

Bear in mind feelings equal facts so depending on how they are feeling at any given time their motivation will change. She can go from feeling loss of you and wanting to reach out to hating you as you didn't reply and never wanting to see you again at the drop of a hat.

[once removed]

Is that a test to see if I'll stay firm on my stance?  I'm not sure why her texting me bothers me, but it does.

i wouldnt read too much into it except that its arguably kind of inappropriate/confusing given your arrangement, and id probably be bothered too.

i could be wrong, of course. you say this is your stance. whos idea was not speaking for a while? why? if it was purely yours, i look at it as poor boundaries on her part. she may be testing your boundary, she may be disregarding it. do you intend to respond?

[Lonely_Astro]

Is that a test to see if I'll stay firm on my stance?  I'm not sure why her texting me bothers me, but it does.

i wouldnt read too much into it except that its arguably kind of inappropriate/confusing given your arrangement, and id probably be bothered too.

i could be wrong, of course. you say this is your stance. whos idea was not speaking for a while? why? if it was purely yours, i look at it as poor boundaries on her part. she may be testing your boundary, she may be disregarding it. do you intend to respond?

It was my idea.  I told her that I was doing it because of the previous 3 months only to find out she went on at least 2 dates with R while she kept me in limbo.  I told her that I realized we couldn't be together any longer and we both needed time away from each other to heal from the wounds we both created (I felt this was a non-accusing statement because frankly I hadn't realized how many "slights" I had done to her, but chose to share the responsibility of us going different directions - I could sound N here and say that honestly I don't see where I did anything to her, but apparently to her, I did).

She didn't particularly agree we needed to be NC, but I told her that I needed the time to heal from what had happened.  This past week was supposed to be the time we took to finalize our thoughts to each other and say goodbye.  She saw it as I was going away from her forever and in 2 months, that may be true.  I have zero doubt she'll have moved well on beyond me by that time.  She had talked to me yesterday up until about 6 hours before midnight and never replied to my last text to her.  That's ok, I'm not upset, the way it ended was sweet and mature from the both of us.

I had not expected her to text me at all.  Out of fear, shame, guilt, anger, narcissism, what have you.  Then, suddenly, there was her text.  She had been on my mind most of the day and there she was, reaching out to me.  Honestly, I know how much it had to take out of her to reach out (fear of rejection).  If I respond, it breaks my boundary.  If I don't, I look like a douche (at least that's how I feel).  So far, I haven't responded and she hasn't sent anything else.

I want to respond, but I also know it will only serve to prove her point that I won't be able to leave her alone.  She said during this week that no matter how much we didn't want to be in contact with each other, we both simply couldn't walk away from each other because of our feelings for each other.  That statement was a double edged sword, of course.  So, I don't know if it was her merely missing me because of the end or because she wants to prove that I can't walk away from her. 

[patientandclear]

Seems to me that a neutral response that acknowledges the New Year sentiment ("Happy New Year to you too" doesn't do any damage and reduces the drama of ultra strict NC.  Not replying to a HNY message is pretty dramatic.

When my ex would reach out without addressing the issues underlying our separation, I wouldn't just ignore him.  I'd reply in some way that did not invite a continued back and forth, but acknowledged him as a human I care about.  I think that's a lot less charged and ultimately less damaging than the ultra stark NC approach.

[once removed]

If I respond, it breaks my boundary.  If I don't, I look like a douche (at least that's how I feel).  

motives are important here. if you need space to heal, you need space to heal and youre entitled to it.  if i read correctly, it sounds like your "i need space" could be interpreted as punishment for her actions (not necessarily your intention, i understand). whether i read correctly or not, its been done and it sounds like you intend to stick to it. nothing wrong with that.

She saw it as I was going away from her forever and in 2 months, that may be true.  I have zero doubt she'll have moved well on beyond me by that time.  

if you consider BPD it makes sense that shed see it that way - abandonment, and forever. me withdrawing because my ex did some inexcusable things was a major, contributing factor of our breakup. she sent little texts that i didnt respond to; it was dumbfounding and confusing to me too. do consider the consequences of perceived abandonment. there is no guarantee in the outcome of this.

as for your boundary vs looking like a douche: i favor boundaries and dont think youd look like a douche for not responding. responding will essentially eliminate the boundary as its a hard and fast boundary. not responding will likely reiterate a message of abandonment. questions to consider are how important this boundary is to you, and why, and how flexible you are willing or not for it to be.

ps. i want to reiterate, consider your motives. its a weak foundation if your boundary is built on proving something to her.

[Lonely_Astro]

I took the route of replying with "happy new year to you too".  It's not personal yet doesn't ignore her as a human being.  I felt it was a good balance between "not speaking on a personal level" and not ignoring her as a human.  Regardless of her motivation, I don't have to be mean.

She hasn't replied.  That's ok.

[once removed]

i think that was a good call 

[Lonely_Astro]

i think that was a good call 

Thank you, once.  I figured going that route was non confrontational and the mature way to go.  I can still heal and not be mean to her by being cordial (this way it doesn't - hopefully - trigger her yet still lets me be detached).  I'll just address the personal talk boundary if she were to attempt to engage in that line of conversation. 

She hasn't, as of this writing, sent anything else to me.

[once removed]

I'll just address the personal talk boundary if she were to attempt to engage in that line of conversation. 

and in terms of defending your boundary, thats important, and its possible. "responding essentially eliminates your boundary" was bad language on my part. this isnt blowing a diet. if anything does happen in the future, you can take it on a case by case basis. in this case i think the response was appropriate.

[thisworld]

Personally, i like trying to look at my feelings and prioritize my well-being in early stages of separation. For instance if İ act maturely towards the world but cannot keep my eyes off the phone because communication triggers it, i may choose to go NC even though the other party may think it's rude. İ think im a mature person anyway and i have a valid reason - no matter what they think- for doing what im doing. İ also think i may apologize in the future when im fully detached. İf its difficult to do the ideal thing and feel healthy at the same time, i prioritize the latter. İ dont have to be perfect (big lesson for me). İt doesnt change the fact that im a good, thoughtful person. İ just need to heal, thats all. 

[Herodias]

Just remember... .they don't have any boundaries or ever abide by them. That's  part of the problem. I got a bunch of "happy new year"'s as well. I even got one today! I just don't want to wish him one... .which makes me feel bad, so I know how you feel. I just responded with a couple of emojis of that horn with the confetti. That's the best I could do. I would caution you though, if you are setting a boundary of time to see how you feel know that she may move on. I thought a separation would somehow force him to work on himself, but all he did was find someone else and tell me maybe we could get back together at the end of the years separation. Almost like he was punishing me for the separation! He really thought that if we are separated he was free to date and I could not hold it against him! In the meantime the gf got pregnant and now we have 18 days left of our separation and I will file divorce. What I am saying is, make sure this is what you really want, because I believe with them, it's out of sight out of mind. They do feel abandoned and need to fill the void. I know that I was miserable and it was best for me on the end... .I just wish I had known about all of this sooner. Not sure how I would have handled things, but I would have had more knowledge and understanding of what I was doing.  ... .I hope you can find some peace.

[cosmonaut]

Sometimes the simplest explanation is the best explanation.  You may still be a special person to her and she wanted to wish someone special a Happy New Year.  No more, no less.  NC is harsh, and most people do want to have some connection, even a very limited one, with someone whom they were once very close.  Important holidays like Christmas and New Years are common times to hear from people you otherwise don't.  I would accept it as a good faith wish, and I think you did right to wish her the same.

[Lonely_Astro]

Just remember... .they don't have any boundaries or ever abide by them. That's  part of the problem. I got a bunch of "happy new year"'s as well. I even got one today! I just don't want to wish him one... .which makes me feel bad, so I know how you feel. I just responded with a couple of emojis of that horn with the confetti. That's the best I could do. I would caution you though, if you are setting a boundary of time to see how you feel know that she may move on. I thought a separation would somehow force him to work on himself, but all he did was find someone else and tell me maybe we could get back together at the end of the years separation. Almost like he was punishing me for the separation! He really thought that if we are separated he was free to date and I could not hold it against him! In the meantime the gf got pregnant and now we have 18 days left of our separation and I will file divorce. What I am saying is, make sure this is what you really want, because I believe with them, it's out of sight out of mind. They do feel abandoned and need to fill the void. I know that I was miserable and it was best for me on the end... .I just wish I had known about all of this sooner. Not sure how I would have handled things, but I would have had more knowledge and understanding of what I was doing.  ... .I hope you can find some peace.

Thanks, Blue.  I fully expect her to move on to someone else (chances are, she already has... .after all she's basically ignored me for 3 months).  Plus, during our final set of talking, I told her that I felt like she had left me already.  Her response was "I wasn't gone, I was just gone from you."  Like that made everything ok.  I have no intention of working anything out with her.  She can move on when she's ready.  I can't hold anything against her now.  The final week was by far confusing.

After I replied, she didn't send anything else.  She hasn't so far today, either.  NC wasn't meant as punishment for her (or me).  It was to allow me to step back and take a look at why I stayed as long as I did.  It also gives us time to heal and move on.  I know staying around her and talking to her on a personal level (i.e., "about us" would only serve to confuse me more and allow her to continue to abuse me.

It was time for it to stop and make clear to her where we stand.  Hopefully that makes sense.

[Confusedmae]

Lonely Astro - For what it's worth, I think you are approaching this in the right way. I tool a similar approach and so far so good. To make a VERY long (11+ years) story short, we were no longer living together but still seeing each other and had just taken a wonderful 10 day road trip a few weeks prior to the final blow. I was at his apartment when a work friend stopped by to tell him how sorry he was to hear that my ex was moving out of state and would be therefore quitting his job. He moved to live with a friend in another state about 1,000 miles away. I drove him to meet this friend at the half-way point and it was like pulling teeth to get him to go. He delayed, cried, sobbed, delayed some more and finally I just told him it was time. He wanted to stay together. I knew better but played along for my own sanity. And I mean that literally. Since then he has entangled with a married mother of two young kids (he doesn't do well with children)causing a divorce and is currently with a woman that is physically the epitome of everything he used to despise and rant about. Basically, she's extremely overweight. Oh, and he moved to live with her in a totally different state. Yes, I know these things because I do check up on him from time to time. But I'm one of the few that doing this has allowed me the benefit of being prepared when he does pop up, which he does from time to time. It's much easier to keep my head on straight when I know what is really going on behind the scenes. And it lets me know when he is lying which he does routinely, even about things that he doesn't need to.

Like you, I respond but very succinctly. If he sends a birthday greeting, he gets a "Thank you!" in return. I never want him to feel completely alone, which I told him in the past, but I certainly know he is extremely unhealthy for me. He's been physically gone for 5 years now and let me tell you the recovery has been really difficult. I'm embarrassed to admit this but I STILL think of him daily.

You can do this. We're here to help.

[Lonely_Astro]

Lonely Astro - For what it's worth, I think you are approaching this in the right way. I tool a similar approach and so far so good. To make a VERY long (11+ years) story short, we were no longer living together but still seeing each other and had just taken a wonderful 10 day road trip a few weeks prior to the final blow. I was at his apartment when a work friend stopped by to tell him how sorry he was to hear that my ex was moving out of state and would be therefore quitting his job. He moved to live with a friend in another state about 1,000 miles away. I drove him to meet this friend at the half-way point and it was like pulling teeth to get him to go. He delayed, cried, sobbed, delayed some more and finally I just told him it was time. He wanted to stay together. I knew better but played along for my own sanity. And I mean that literally. Since then he has entangled with a married mother of two young kids (he doesn't do well with children)causing a divorce and is currently with a woman that is physically the epitome of everything he used to despise and rant about. Basically, she's extremely overweight. Oh, and he moved to live with her in a totally different state. Yes, I know these things because I do check up on him from time to time. But I'm one of the few that doing this has allowed me the benefit of being prepared when he does pop up, which he does from time to time. It's much easier to keep my head on straight when I know what is really going on behind the scenes. And it lets me know when he is lying which he does routinely, even about things that he doesn't need to.

Like you, I respond but very succinctly. If he sends a birthday greeting, he gets a "Thank you!" in return. I never want him to feel completely alone, which I told him in the past, but I certainly know he is extremely unhealthy for me. He's been physically gone for 5 years now and let me tell you the recovery has been really difficult. I'm embarrassed to admit this but I STILL think of him daily.

You can do this. We're here to help.

Thank you for the kind words.  I am going to guess that the reason I was so conflicted was because of a trauma bond.  I mean, really, J has treated me like crap a lot over the past year and I ignored it until I got to reflecting upon it the other day.  Of course, I minimize a lot of it because of her condition.  However, that doesn't excuse it.  I cannot fathom what life must really be like for her but that doesn't give her carte blanche to whatever she pleases.

Do I think she lied to me this entire year?  Yes, about certain things.  Do I think she lied to me about how she felt about me?  Yes, to certain degrees.  For instance, I was talking to a close friend of mine about her (who knew the situation, we've been friends for a very long time) and I told him about how J had accused him of pressuring her about where the two of us stood (I knew J was lying, as I have known my friend far far longer than J and it just didn't sound like him).  He was absolutely flabbergasted that she had brought him into all of by saying that.  He told me he had no idea where she had construed anything he ever said to her as that.  I told him it was ok, I didn't believe he had, she was just on a fishing expedition or trying to alienate me from him (J never liked the fact that I spoke to him so plainly about the two of us).

Then there's the whole "I'm divorcing M but really I'm not and lying to you about it" thing.  What a complete waste of time she really turned out to be.  As I have mentioned in other posts, the only thing we really had in common with each other was sex.  Even that fizzled at the end, though (which is further reason why I believe she became physical with someone else).  J is certainly an emotional cheater, but I think she draws the line at physical contact if she is "seeing" someone (that she's physical with).  I saw that because I have independent knowledge that she will tease guys and never follow through.  Another sad but true fact in her twisted mind that she plays with others.

Although I haven't spoken to her today, nor do I expect to tomorrow, I believe that Monday will be difficult.  We both will be back at work, which will put me squarely back into her mind.  It's funny as how she was telling me about how she never fully trusted me and I had offended her over this or that only to turn around and start trying to idealize me again at the end.  Was it manipulation or was she being serious?  I think it was both. 

She gave me a Christmas gift this past week, which I found sweet, until she made the comment "sorry it wasn't more expensive, but I spent a lot of money on you this year."  I thanked her for the thoughtful gift and went on.  I didn't want to take the bait of an argument about how she got me a few gifts and bought me lunch, none of which I ever asked for or how I dropped a significant amount of money for a weekend getaway we were supposed to go on that had been paid for before she bailed on me (she didn't go on the trip, I did because of the amount spent) or all the lunches/coffee I had bought as well (it didn't matter to me and doesnt still, but I don't want that thrown in my face like that).  But, you know, yeah, you dropped a ton of cash on me and that's what matters - not that I had done the same for you  .  Oh, I should mention too that I told her that I wanted her to make dinner and spend time with me as the only gifts from her (because 1 that is the kind of gifts I like (I'm not materialistic at all) and 2 she was always complaining about being broke).  So if an important occasion was coming up and she would ask me what I wanted I would tell her option #1.  Geez this was such a complicated r/s where I had to walk on so many eggshells.  I never knew what would set her off.   

As I type this, I am feeling more anger than anything, but I know it will shift as the process goes on.  I find myself from time to time wondering what she's doing, a habit I have to break.  I know in time I will, just like before.  In the meantime, I plan not to respond if she does attempt any "personal" contact with me.  I will try to treat her like a human (even if she didn't me) during this process.  I don't have to lose my humanity because of this.