How did your SO treat others?

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I feel like my SO treated me poorly because I was a stable figure in her life. Almost as if she knew I would stick around no matter what, therefore I was at the bottom of her list of priorities. 

Friends (fake friends), family and her dog always came first.  Don't get me wrong, I know the importance of friends and family.  I am very family oriented, I have lifetime friends and a dog of my own that I treat and love like any other member of my family.  I never asked to be treated better, just equally.  And, for the record her "friends" consist of a few guys that she led on and used in the past who are in love with her and have no interest in a friendship with her unless it is romantically involved.  And, according to her, her family was abusive and treated her like crap.

A couple of examples:

A year or so ago I tore my rotator cuff and fractured my arm in a fall.  I was still on the mend and I asked her to come food shopping with me as she lay in bed at 5pm in the afternoon (we lived together, but I always did all the grocery shopping) to help carry and lift some of the heavier items because I was advised by my doctor not to lift anything over 5lbs.  She flat out told me no, so I went alone and managed with one arm.  Well, no sooner I get back from the store she tells me she is going to the same exact store to get and bring  supplements to her aging dog which live with her parents in a town about a half hr away.

She also has a sister who treats her like garbage.  The sister treats her very disrespectfully and says and does hurtful things to her.  Yet, she is obsessed with her sister and her sisters children.  She kisses her sister's a** because she thinks if she doesn't her sister will prevent her from seeing her nieces and nephews.  I'm not exaggerating when I say that if the sister says jump my SO would say how high.

I supported her emotionally, financially, provided her with stability and she would never do anything for me.  If I asked for a favor she would basically tell me to go F myself.  Yet, she would run ragged to oblige to the needs of others.  I could seriously go on and on with stories about how unimportant she made me feel.

Did anyone else have this experience?  Why do you think they treat the stable, loyal figures in their lives like trash, but cater to people who don't deserve it?

[lost_in_translation]

I feel like my SO treated me poorly because I was a stable figure in her life. Almost as if she knew I would stick around no matter what, therefore I was at the bottom of her list of priorities. 

Friends (fake friends), family and her dog always came first.  Don't get me wrong, I know the importance of friends and family.  I am very family oriented, I have lifetime friends and a dog of my own that I treat and love like any other member of my family.  I never asked to be treated better, just equally.  And, for the record her "friends" consist of a few guys that she led on and used in the past who are in love with her and have no interest in a friendship with her unless it is romantically involved.  And, according to her, her family was abusive and treated her like crap.

A couple of examples:

A year or so ago I tore my rotator cuff and fractured my arm in a fall.  I was still on the mend and I asked her to come food shopping with me as she lay in bed at 5pm in the afternoon (we lived together, but I always did all the grocery shopping) to help carry and lift some of the heavier items because I was advised by my doctor not to lift anything over 5lbs.  She flat out told me no, so I went alone and managed with one arm.  Well, no sooner I get back from the store she tells me she is going to the same exact store to get and bring  supplements to her aging dog which live with her parents in a town about a half hr away.

She also has a sister who treats her like garbage.  The sister treats her very disrespectfully and says and does hurtful things to her.  Yet, she is obsessed with her sister and her sisters children.  She kisses her sister's a** because she thinks if she doesn't her sister will prevent her from seeing her nieces and nephews.  I'm not exaggerating when I say that if the sister says jump my SO would say how high.

I supported her emotionally, financially, provided her with stability and she would never do anything for me.  If I asked for a favor she would basically tell me to go F myself.  Yet, she would run ragged to oblige to the needs of others.  I could seriously go on and on with stories about how unimportant she made me feel.

Did anyone else have this experience?  Why do you think they treat the stable, loyal figures in their lives like trash, but cater to people who don't deserve it?

[VitaminC]

Yet, she would run ragged to oblige to the needs of others.  I could seriously go on and on with stories about how unimportant she made me feel.

Did anyone else have this experience?  Why do you think they treat the stable, loyal figures in their lives like trash, but cater to people who don't deserve it?

Oh god, do I hear you! It wasn't like that at the start, of course. But gradually I saw a lessening in consideration towards me and a re-orientation to the acquaintances (called 'friends' and near strangers in his life.  Slow to pay for a glass of wine for me, but if we bumped into someone he vaguely knew, or even a friend of mine he'd never met, he would dash up to the bar and insist on paying. Offering lifts, time, advice, repairs of various kinds - you name it. Ridiculous.

All in the name of making a good impression. On people who didn't matter to him. He is close, I guess you could call it, to his family (weird dynamic where everyone has decided to pretend he's perfectly normal, although it's clear he makes them uncomfortable and they are not easy around him) and he will do things for them. But rarely it's without making a big deal out of it and complaining to me - he would never say anything to them.

Definitely the closer the person, the worse they are treated. I think that proves, like I read somewhere on this site, that BPDs are perfectly capable of controlling their behaviour and knowing the difference between what's acceptable and what not. They know they'll get away with it with those who are close.

Think about it, they test the waters - maybe, probably, unconsciously, and then let 'er rip.  We are so surprised, shocked, hurt by many of these breathtaking acts of unkindness that often our response is off - too slow or extreme. Neither nips it in the bud.

In my case, his first slip ups were small. I noticed, and felt bad, but split my reactions between giving him hell and deciding I was oversensitive and behaving like a princess.  The first few months of this led to long talks, where I did all the talking and he couldn't / wouldn't say much at all. But he was so crushed that I decided they must have been slips and he was too ashamed to go into it. That was a bad sign for me, but because things returned to such closeness and thoughtfulness, I let down my guard again and again.

It's true that pwBPD are looking out for injury and rejection all the time. They are ALSO prone to mood changes that they are only vaguely aware of and would be hard-pressed to explain to themselves, much less anyone else. Mine didn't stick with anything, any plan he made. He might be very sad or enthusiastic about something and the next day it would just be gone from him, as if it hadn't happened.

That lack of carry-through, consistency, and awareness of themselves leads them to really be at the whim of their unbalanced chemicals, in my opinion. Their suffering is not less real, but it's certainly not permanent. Ditto for any understanding or insight they reach, for regret for an action, for decision to do something differently.

I think all this together leads them to totally take for granted of those to whom they've attached themselves.  There's probably something like Woody Allen's old joke about not wanting to be in any group that would agree to have you as a member. It makes sense; if you think you're a bad person, how could you continue to respect or like anyone who really "knows" you?

[thisworld]

Great thread and thank you for bringing this up. This may be one of the main reasons why I started to get repulsed by my ex. Not his rages, not his stealing money from my pocket, not his heroin addiction, but this.

Friends (fake friends), family and her dog always came first.  Don't get me wrong, I know the importance of friends and family.  I am very family oriented, I have lifetime friends and a dog of my own that I treat and love like any other member of my family.  I never asked to be treated better, just equally.  And, for the record her "friends" consist of a few guys that she led on and used in the past who are in love with her and have no interest in a friendship with her unless it is romantically involved.  And, according to her, her family was abusive and treated her like crap.

From a pwBPD's perspective, of course this is related with coping, it's a survival skill. However, in my case, it's nothing to be accepted in an ongoing relationship (and I had no reason really, we didn't share a long history, why should I spend the rest of my life being not even a second-best but a "last-best in the case of emergency"? I didn't try to change this, there is a reason why it's happening. This thing just killed my positive feelings. I won't be grateful that I was his nearest and dearest and that was the reason why I was exposed to this shyte treatment. 

On me, it has the same effect as behaviours of a narcissist. Everyone, simply everyone is shown everything (compassion, attention, interest) more than you are. It creates a dangerous fallacy as well. If your partner is capable of showing these to others, he must have them. If he is not showing them to you, then there is a problem with you. Start working on winning his love, attention, compassion, empathy. Welcome to the ideal playground for emotional abuse.

The truth is. It's self-serving. Very effectively and efficiently as it had more than one use. For one thing, it's like this triangulation, it makes you feel bad. The guy showed more mushy empathy to Amy Winehouse than me in this "relationship." Secondly, it was my ex's way to ensure love, supply, attention, whatever flowing to him. A great way to keep up the appearances. And then people get surprised when we leave them, how could we do this to these great guys? And even serves to ensure being the vulnerable seducer/victim later I believe. One behaviour, three uses, very efficient really. I paid particular attention to not be affected and started being disturbed by those people (jealousy) but still I don't want to remain in any relationship where this is experienced.

My ex did this with a friend of mine against me in a very warped way. When I shared my feelings with some friends (one of them a life coach) they told me that I might be exaggerating. Shame on that day when I didn't listen to my gut.

That thing of not wanting to be in any group that accepts you is textbook narcissism by the way:))

[VitaminC]

When I shared my feelings with some friends (one of them a life coach) they told me that I might be exaggerating. Shame on that day when I didn't listen to my gut.

Yes! Listening to our gut! I noticed my gut but distrusted it and let my brain do the calculations. Thank you, Brain, for making a relatively simple matter extremely complex.

I'm joking, mostly.  It IS hard when in trying to get some perspective on things we talk to friends and somehow never succeed in *feeling* we've given a complete picture. Sometimes, by the time our friends start to get worried, we're already so deeply enmeshed and feeling so lousy about ourselves, we don't know how to quit.

That's what happened to me anyway.

I think that noticing how little he cared for the two people closest to him - his daughter and myself - is the thing that made me realise that there was more wrong with this guy than I thought. I started to distance myself and just watch the interactions he was having with others. It was a lesson that took about 6 weeks to sink in. 6 weeks after about 9 or 10 months of feeling pretty consistently irrelevant, except for a few days of intense adoration, here and there, that kept me hooked and wondering what I was doing wrong the rest of the time.

I thought if he can be so little connected and genuinely loving and kind to his own child (while playing the part to others), well, there's something very seriously off. That little girl is starting to sense things, I can tell, but it'll be 2 more years before she gets properly confused about her dad's incredible selfishness and lack of normal human empathy. I wish I could somehow stop it or lessen it's impact, but there's no way.

Anyway, lost_in_translation, it really is par for the course with this condition. Someone somewhere on these boards called it a disease. I don't know, I'll go as far as condition, but any more than that suggests a lack of control that I don't believe is the case for my pwBPD anyway. But that's neither here nor there.

I hope all this helps! 

[Teereese]

I feel like my SO treated me poorly because I was a stable figure in her life. Almost as if she knew I would stick around no matter what, therefore I was at the bottom of her list priorities.

Did anyone else have this experience?  Why do you think they treat the stable, loyal figures in their lives like trash, but cater to people who don't deserve it?

Absolutely lost_in_translation

My stbxh would crawl over me to help friends,  my family members, neighbors, aquaintances and even strangers. It was like living in some alternate universe.

My car would need brakes or some other work and he would blow me off but spend entire weekends on someone else's car.

I had a misscarriage and was told to get over it. A coworker suffered the same and he wanted her to know he was there for her.

I had extreme pains and needed to the ER, he refused to take me because he had work. I ended up requiring emergency surgery and he told my daughter he was not taking care of me. A friend of mine stopped by to ask him how I was and he claimed not to know anything because I never told him anything.  A friend of his had surgery and stbxh let him know anything he needed,  just call.

I could go on.

Like Thisworld brought up ... .family and friends would think I was crazy/exaggerating/etc. Some family members and friends were shocked when they actually witnessed his total devaluation and invalidation of me.

[hope2727]

He treated others like royalty and me like an afterthought. 

[lost_in_translation]

I think they always need to have a scapegoat.  Mine got along horribly with her family, which in the beginning I thought was very odd because they always seemed relatively nice, until I came into the picture and now she treats them like royalty while I take the brunt of all her dysfunction.  I can't tell you how many times I heard "get over it."  

[Moselle]

Lost in Translation,

I think most of the comments so far have validated your observations and I can do the same from the experiences with my soon-to-be-ex.

Eg. Bending over backwards all night sometimes to make birthday cakes for every friend/ semi friend she had. She would get exhausted by this, but to have someone outside the family tell her how amazing she is, was the reason she did it. In that small moment she could bask in the knowledge that someone thought she was fantastic. Of course if I said it, it was because I was her husband and had to day such things, so they didn't count.

And of course any discussion of my needs turned ugly.

But a deeper question I've started asking is "Why did I accept this disrespectful behavior?".

Why did you?

[UVA2002]

Well to be quite honest she treated others as they where beneath her.

[lost_in_translation]

Good question Moselle?  I'm starting to ask myself now why I would stay in such a toxic relationship. 

I suppose, first and foremost, I did see glimpses of an amazing partner from time to time.  But, unfortunately those moments are very fleeting.  I thought if I stick it out maybe I would get the good version of her all the time.  Also, I'm starting to think there is a codependency issue?  I haven't done much research into that yet, but I am starting to.  And, I think the fear of starting over again at almost 40 weighs on me.  Why did you stay?  You don't have to answer, but I am interested to know.

[MapleBob]

Oooh, good thread!

My ex treated friends/acquaintances/people from work approximately the same way that she treated me in the beginning of our relationship: sweetly and wonderfully. Like a generous, loving angel, really. Because she wants everyone to like her to maintain her ego and sense of self-importance, and the appearance of empathy and stability and "being perfect". (Most people do this to some degree.)

It got to the point where I got close enough to her that she couldn't maintain face with me (because she CANNOT do close relationships in a healthy way sustainably) , so I got pushed away and broken up with and painted black and suddenly there wasn't "enough energy/time/importance/whatever" to maintain anything with me, even when she clearly and demonstrably had lots of time and energy for everyone else and would tell me allllll about it.

Now that's fine, really - everybody reassigns their priorities after a break up, even when they're trying to be friends or work it out. But here's the worst part: she started accusing me (retroactively even!) of exactly what she was doing (treating everyone else better and paying more attention to everyone else than her). She pushed me away and then got mad about it. Whaaaaaaat.

[Confused?]

She treated her family as bad as me. Anyone that was close to her really knows her well. She only has the mask on temporarily, and after she gets too close it flys off her face. Even a few of my friends saw the true her.

[Fr4nz]

Definitely the closer the person, the worse they are treated. I think that proves, like I read somewhere on this site, that BPDs are perfectly capable of controlling their behaviour and knowing the difference between what's acceptable and what not. They know they'll get away with it with those who are close.

True. There's a song from The Eagles, Wasted Time, which may apply to most of our "BPD" relationships; in this song they say:



[... .]

And you're back out on the street.

And you're tryin' to remember.

How do you start it over?

You don't know if you can.

You don't care much for a stranger's touch,

But you can't hold your man.

[... .]



This perfectly applies to many BPDs. The more you get closer, the less respect you get over time (because of fear of abandonments, fear of engulfment, etc.). This usually applies also to family members and close friends; on the other hand, a person with BPD may appear extremely friendly, flamboyant, etc., to people who are not emotionally close... .and this is also why these people cannot understand and realize the pain we endure.

[Moselle]

And, I think the fear of starting over again at almost 40 weighs on me.  Why did you stay?  You don't have to answer, but I am interested to know.

I stayed because I loved her, because I respected the vows and for the children. But I also stayed because I was co-dependent. My self integrity is high, so while I was completely oblivious to this dynamic I could participate. When I joined this website however, my knowledge of the dynamic grew and I started reinforcing boundaries. By this time she was firmly entrenched in the hatred phase,  which by anyone's standards reduces the quality of life substantially.

I realised or had radical acceptance that I was married to a person with a serious mental illness.

We had three months where she admitted the diagnoses and we made alot if progress at therapy. However she relapsed and when she started with death threats I decided that I would not be spending the rest of my life with her.

It's been 12 months of a very high conflict divorce. She's classified as "dangerous, uncooperative" on the scale.

My lesson and where I try to advise is that if there's divorce likely, spend 6 months to a year doing all the prep. Finances, settlement agreements, parenting plan all done BEFORE you even hint at divorce. You want it fast, you want to be 3 steps ahead, and you want to lead the process.

Starting again at 40 is OK. I'm 41 now. There is life after BPD ☺

I realised recently how much personal work is still needed though. On this site we can often fall into the trap of blaming the BPD and absolving ourselves of the responsibility to change. I have some core wounds from childhood which need hard work and healing. It's almost like building a new person from scratch. But I could not do it while still married to her.

I'm well on my way to health now though. And the key is developing self love and self compassion. Once we have these and someone starts BPD nonsense with us,  we dont need the validation ( of the happy BPD cycle) any more, so we can look at the drama and say... ."No thanks"

[steve195915]

My SO was definitely more critical of me that other's but I don't think she really treated other's exceptionally well either.  She could definitely put up a front and act happy, kind, good manners, and everyone thought she was just a wonderful nice happy person.

She does however treat her two dogs better than any human.  The dogs always come first, they have to have bottled spring water, always by the table for dinner and share our food, sleep on the bed, be on the couch (the floor is not good enough for them), she does give them dog food but also buys fresh food like chicken and cooks it for them often. When we go out, it seems like a majority of time the dogs have to be with us.  If I invite her over for dinner she asks if I can make extra for her dogs.  I love animals too but her actions are way overboard.


Also previously I once dated someone for two weeks but then I discovered they had some serious mental issues and I ended the relationship immediately though she continued to stalk me for 3 months.  She too had 2 dogs that were treated like humans, bought them clothes, human food, they had to go everywhere with her like the beach, restaurants, even when we went to play tennis she brought them on the courts.

I was going to start a thread to see if others observed the same behavior about pets with their SO wBPD.  Maybe some of them need to show kindness somehow so if they don't have pets, they do it to humans other than their SO.

[Euler2718]

There's a book on attached: the new science of adult relationships (or something close) where it says people with "avoidant" attachment styles treat you worse when you're inside the "circle of trust" -- it's a distancing thing so they can not be panicky because they're afraid they might need you then get abandoned.

My ex was so nice to everyone! Me not so much though. Really, the deep relationships never work out for her, so she has this strategy: meet a lot of people at work and at church and form superficial relationships, then use these to make her feel whole. She meets new people at the drop of a hat and befriends them. I think it's all a surface phenomenon.