About that "spark"/"chemistry"

[hotncold]

So, just a few thoughts about this.  I too had the most amazing chemistry with my BPDex... .out of this world, immediate mind blowing connection.  Like a long lost childhood friend... .who understood me without my even having to explain to him who I was... .

I've been doing a bit more thinking about this, because I am no longer on the hunt for this spark.  It no longer feels "real"... .and having done a great deal of work on myself and having found my own internal "spark", I'm starting to think that if we are not healthy and whole individuals, then it's difficult to be interested in other healthy whole individuals, and it's boring... .because if you're empty, and don't know who you are in life... .well someone who allows you to be who you are is going to be boring... .because YOU are boring/bored. 

I have really grown as a person in the past few years, have developped passions, interests activities, a new "identity" really that to me is extremely interesting.  And all that I am looking for now is someone who will simply accept me for who I am.  I bring the spark... .I don't need the drama to create that spark anymore.  And I'm feeling really good and excited about it and about meeting people who are interested in getting to know me, and encourage me to continue to grow as a person.  Thoughts on this anyone?

[homefree]

That's an interesting point.

I'm also working on myself, being happy with who I am and being able to love myself. I think that the more that hole in our core is filled in, the less an external source would be able to add to it, so the spark might not overwhelm you as much. When I first started learning about my possible addiction to the relationship, I thought that if love isn't that intensity that presents in the honeymoon phase, that euphoric drug, then why would I want the real thing is? Nothing could compare to that, so what is the point. But if I heal the wound that I'm trying to fix with the external love and fantasy, I think that would change the whole nature of what I'm looking for and I would have more control over the emotions and deal with reality on firmer ground than before.

I look forward to having a relationship that helps me grow, as opposed to one that makes me feel like I'm losing more and more of myself.

[VitaminC]

Yes! Hurray for you! That is the way to go! The only one.

Other people, if we're healthy, can only make things better because we can share our and their health. So it's more fun, perhaps. Sharing is beautiful.

I remembered a weird thing today; in the very early days of my own "crazy connection", I remember thinking, *knowing*, this guy was dangerous. I remember thinking the words "he is dangerous". I knew it was a sickness I perceived, something unhealthy at the core, but the mystery of what exactly it was and in what way dangerous, excited rather than repulsed me.

I realised, also today, that it was because, somehow, just then in my life, I was bored. I wanted something, but rather than identifying and filling that something myself (in a healthy, adult way), I let myself get involved in something that would provide no end of drama and excitement and head-melting experiences that would allow me to confront my innermost demons (more interesting way of referring to simple fears) via a conduit.

Classic.

Looking for and keeping alight the spark by and in oneself seems harder (to some of us) than finding a short-cut through someone else. Often that is what relationships do - if they're not healthy and balanced and based on solid stuff.

Good for you! You rule.

[Mutt]

Hi hotncold,

I share similar feelings. I interpret that inner spark as self love and self compassion and I think that in order to be happy is to show yourself a lot of self love with self care and to show compassion to others.

I believe that happiness starts with you. You create your own happiness and happiness is not found elsewhere. I think that we can get the emotional intensity with idealization confused. I find that that type of intensity fizzles out and a pwBPD cannot handle that emotional closeness with emotional intensity and push you away because they feel engulfed and pull you back because the intensity triggers abandonment fears.

I think we can find many people that are compatible andi feel like you have to have a spark or romantic interest with that person. I talked about self compassion which is healthier than self esteem because of the side effects with the increase in narcissism in the last 20 years. Another way to feel good about who we are is self compassion.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-power-self-compassion/201106/why-self-compassion-may-be-the-antidote-narcissism

I think that you can show vulnerability and transparency with someone that is emotionally healthy. You can simply be who you are and be accepted for that and show your faults and mistakes with emotional intimacy and your potential partner.

[hotncold]

Mutt, that is an interesting point about compassion vs. esteem.  I think compassion is important to actually achieve self esteem.  I think self esteem can often be "faked". But self esteem does not vanish when someone rejects you, or criticizes you.  True self esteem is able to overcome criticisms from others, no matter how sharp because in a way you "know" yourself, and therefore you can weigh criticisms more accurately and if they're valid, then you can adjust, but if they have no basis, then they should be able to bounce off.   

VitaminC... .perhaps these relationships which we become addicted to are in fact simply a manifestation of us seeking greater meaning in our lives, but we are still afraid to really dive into more meaningful lives. When I met my BPD I really felt like she openned my eyes up to compassion and intimacy... .even though she couldn't sustain it.  She did a kind of "hit and run" with both of these things. I was lucky in that she told me from the beginning who she was... .so I never really had the wool pulled over my eyes in terms of thinking I was living a fairytale.  It felt more of a nightmare, with a gold nugget in the middle... .so I pursued the gold nugget... .away from the nightmare.  It was painful though.  I was lonely. I was rejected. I was hurt.  Whenever I heard anything about my ex I felt depressed and wanted to cry.  She replaced me so many times, so quickly, I could not understand how she could have destroyed and thrown away something that to me had been so special, and unique (read: SPARK, connection, chemistry... .the whole magic trick!)  But when I met her... .I was lost.  I did not know or recognize the path that I was on in life.

Having done so much of that work now, I really don't need someone who will drop me when I need them, or bring me down when I try something new, or create drama whenever something exciting happens to me.  I want someone who can live those moments with me.  Perhaps I had to be ready to live them myself before finding someone to live them with me.  Perhaps the idea of living those moments was frightening... .and so I sought a distraction.  I see friends who are using drama filled relationships as excuses for not moving on in certain areas of their lives. Distractions from real life. But real life, once you've figured out what you want from it, is so much more interesting than temper tantrums 

[hopealways]

HOTANDCOLD please share with us what kind of work you did to get to where you are today?

[Moselle]

Having done so much of that work now, I really don't need someone who will drop me when I need them, or bring me down when I try something new, or create drama whenever something exciting happens to me.  I want someone who can live those moments with me.  Perhaps I had to be ready to live them myself before finding someone to live them with me.  Perhaps the idea of living those moments was frightening... .and so I sought a distraction.  I see friends who are using drama filled relationships as excuses for not moving on in certain areas of their lives. Distractions from real life. But real life, once you've figured out what you want from it, is so much more interesting than temper tantrums 

hotncold,  thanks for starting this thread!

It is facinating to me that you have progressed beyond this. You mentioned how devastated you were when you broke up. How long has it been since that break up?

What were some of the 'aha' moments or milestones along the way?

At this point, I no longer find the drama very interesting, but I have not really found my own internal spark yet. I go in fits and starts. I can put alot of energy into something and then get bored and move into something  else. Its easy to get distracted. But I am going through a high conflict divorce at the moment as well, so I'm being patient with it.

[hotncold]

I first met by BPDex three years ago.  We were "involved" for six months.  Then we both spiralled out of control, her on a self destructive binge of promiscuity and drugs and me into a major life crisis.  While I had tried to advise her to get help through therapy, she instead found a replacement and I was even more devastated, and we were no contact for about 9 months... .In the meantime I went to therapy. We recycled about a year and a half ago... .and it was actually much better and more stable than the first time around... .but still, we went full no contact for nearly 15 months after an explosive and devastating argument (where she had cheated on me and left the evidence behind for me to figure it out). I don't know what she did after that, even though she was often on my mind.  But still, I continued what I was doing.   

Here are some of the different steps that have helped me heal:

1. therapy

2. about 6 months ago, I started the book the "artists way".  That has been incredibly helpful in giving voice to my inner self... .and letting it speak.  I have been journaling for 6 months now. If I don't do it now, I start to feel overwhelmed and confused.  By journaling, I am better able to be in touch with what I want to do. I think this is probably almost, if not as helpful as therapy.

3. Reading many books.  Some novels, and a few "self help" ones by Brene brown, as well as the 7 habits.

4. Experimenting with my creativity in a number of ways (singing, writing, dancing, acting... .)

5. I have also dabbled with some meditation as well, yoga, and other physical activity such as hiking and walking.

6. Distancing myself, creating boundaries and letting things go with my totally dysfunctional family.  Learning to express myself and what I want.  In order to do that though, I need to know what I want and I think the steps above were able to get me there.

7. revisiting and reconnecting with past people in my life who helped me in a number of ways that I had previously not fully appreciated.

8. creating firm boundaries with unhealthy friendships and other relationships.  It takes a lot of work and energy to do all this, but if you nurture yourself, you will find the strength to do it.

9.trying new things that might scare the living daylights out of me.

I also have to add, that I am incredibly independent person, and so I was able to take the space in order to do all the above.  I have a BPD parent and therefore as a child I learned that I couldn't depend on anyone but myself... .while this has really caused me a great deal of pain, I think it has also allowed me to take the space that was needed in order to do the work that I described above.  I also think I have made a great deal of progress in trusting myself and therefore being more at ease with connecting with a greater number of people.  Of course, I think this is still a work in progress, and I will make mistakes... .which hopefully I will learn from.  But I have this feeling in my gut now that makes me feel a bit sick whenever I smell melodrama, and insincerity. 

[Learning_curve74]

A lot of people here speak about how they feel like nobody else has the same connection with them that their BPD partner did, like some magical chemistry. I'm not going to indulge in magical thinking that my BPD exgf is the only person in the world for me because of chemistry. Chemistry was involved because her chameleonic mirroring reacted with my own underdeveloped emotional wants and needs. Excitement and feeling thrilled is important, but it's exciting and thrilling to drive the wrong way on a one way street too, but it's extremely unhealthy for you!

In retrospect, as they say hindsight can be 20/20, my exgf was never a good choice of partner. Sure it was thrilling, but I chose somebody that was never a good match for what I really value in life and would want for in a lifetime partner!

I agree with hotncold, homefree, VitaminC, and Mutt that most of us were looking for something external to us to heal our wounds and fill an empty space within that is internal. That is why it seemed like chemistry, we deceived ourselves into thinking they were the perfect fit for what was missing in our lives. You may say that your life was perfectly fine before you fell for your pwBPD, but if it was so perfect, why did you let somebody so destructive into your perfect life? What does that say about you/us?

It takes time to build trust and a real deep relationship. I wouldn't give all my assets over to a financial advisor I just met no matter how excited I was about them and what they showed me. The same is going to be true of anybody I get involved with romantically in the future.