Triggers and how do you reclaim them?

[NCEA]

The list of triggers that remind me of my exBPDw is endless. It starts with her initials and then goes out to cover half of the planet.

Any idea on how to reclaim triggers? Here are a few things that remind me of her:

Paris

France

Italy

Greece

Germany

Berlin

Gym

Sex

Porn

BDSM

Music on my iphone

My work

Stakes

Tango

Latin music

Argentina

Nazis

... .

[thisworld]

I would accept that these are triggers for now, work on healing as  whole person so these don't feel like triggers anymore. I don't think I could directly reclaim the big triggers (some songs, some everyday activities still affect me too much for instance). Smaller things, I just keep doing and doing. My emotions give me the clue. If it feels too painful, that's for overall healing. If it's painful but if I feel that I can take that risk, then I do those activities. 

[Michelle27]

Ah, triggers.  The bane of my existence.  I had no idea I would still be so affected by them even now, 10 months since we first separated.  I am triggered by so many things, things that I'm only now learning that have affected me.  Healing is a long process and I'm working on it but from what I understand, it takes time.  Hang in there.  Sometimes (at least for me) it's like 2 steps forward and 3 back, but I see that as a good thing.  It means I am digging deep which is what needs to be done.

[hope2727]

Go pet the sweaty stuff. It's like modern phobia therapy. Go experience it. I have slowly returned to our favourite places and spots. Now I can go to most of them and enjoy myself and remember him and smile. I loved him. He love me. We did the best we could. I am forming new memories slowly but surely. I am repairing pain with joy whenever possible. I wish you all the best. Go paint some new memories.

[Fox Mulder]

I feel like everything I do is a trigger. Hear a cool song? Reminds me of when I'd share it with her. Watch a bad movie? Makes me recall all the times I made her laugh by ranting about crappy films. Go out to a theme park? Spend the entire ride remembering how we used to hold hands the whole time.

I hate this. I'm 16 months out and doing maybe a little better. But not enough. I feel like I'm maybe 5% healed.

[NCEA]

I feel like everything I do is a trigger. Hear a cool song? Reminds me of when I'd share it with her. Watch a bad movie? Makes me recall all the times I made her laugh by ranting about crappy films. Go out to a theme park? Spend the entire ride remembering how we used to hold hands the whole time.

I hate this. I'm 16 months out and doing maybe a little better. But not enough. I feel like I'm maybe 5% healed.

Did you try revenge?  

I'm sorry it's been so long, must be terrible. Did you try therapy or meds?

[Anez]

I feel like everything I do is a trigger. Hear a cool song? Reminds me of when I'd share it with her. Watch a bad movie? Makes me recall all the times I made her laugh by ranting about crappy films. Go out to a theme park? Spend the entire ride remembering how we used to hold hands the whole time.

I hate this. I'm 16 months out and doing maybe a little better. But not enough. I feel like I'm maybe 5% healed.

I know how you feel. I'm only a few months out and so many little things act as triggers. It doesn't help that I see her every day and she seems to be doing fine.

I'm sorry that it's been 16 months for you. It is hard. Are you seeing a therapist and working on yourself? And also doing good things for yourself?

It's amazing how hard it is to get over these relationships.

[Fox Mulder]

Thanks for the replies. I am on depression meds but I might try therapy. I've been working on myself, and I'm a little more in shape and making a little more money since the breakup, but I haven't managed to make any drastic positive changes.

I wasn't even able to function the first three months, so I'm definitely doing better now, but I still think about her all the time.

[SummerStorm]

For some things, try maybe redirecting your association with it.  For example, my pwBPD used to eat popcorn all of the time when she came to my house.  After she cut me out of her life (the first time), I would open up the cabinet and see the boxes of popcorn I bought for her and just sob.  But you know who else loves popcorn at eats it whenever I make it?  My mom.  And my mom is my best friend and would never hurt me.  When my mom goes to the movie theatre, she gets this senior combo deal that comes with a ridiculously small bag of popcorn, and it makes me laugh every time.  So now, when I see popcorn, I think of my mom.  And a few weeks ago, a couple students, including one who I think of as a surrogate daughter, stayed after for a meeting and were sent to make popcorn for the rest of the group.  I was leaving work and saw them in the hallway, taking their grand old time getting back to the group, walking slowly and eating the popcorn.  It made me laugh, and I teased them and asked them if there would be any popcorn left for everyone else.  So now, when I see popcorn, I think of those students.  

Some things will be easy because the joy you get from them will overpower the sadness you feel when you are reminded of her.  I did stop playing my guitar and ukulele for a few months because she wanted me to teach her how to play the ukulele and once played my guitar.  But I've been playing for over 20 years, and music is something that is extremely important to me, so I've been playing a lot lately.  A few days after the first discard, I went to the zoo by myself (something I actually enjoy doing), but we had talked about going sometime, and I was hurting so badly and knew she had plans that day and was having a great time.  I ended up crying on the bus the whole way home.  But I'm going to go again this year, just like I always do, by myself, and I'm going to have a great time.  The panda cub will be on display, and I can't wait to see it.  

Other things will be very difficult.  I'll be honest.  There are songs that I won't listen to because they remind me of things from 15 years ago that still make me sad, things that happened long before I met my pwBPD.  I'm not sure if I'll ever be able to watch Breaking Dawn: Part II again because it's what we were watching the first time we had sex, and  the cardboard cover on my DVD is a bit smashed from when one of us rolled on top of it.  

[VeraTrue]

I love the suggestions here, especially the popcorn/reassociation one. I'm having a similar issue in that I don't go to the lake near town or the most incredible park we have here, because I fear running into her. I saw her on a Monday at Target (turned on my heel and left immediately! Yay me!) so now I don't go there on that day. It's not quite the same as the triggering thing but I'm probably a bit irrationally afraid to run into her.

As for triggering things like songs, I say things like this out loud, like I was a kid, "NO! YOU CAN'T HAVE THIS SONG! IT WAS MINE BEFORE YOU AND ITS MINE NOW!" and imagine just grabbing it back and running away with it. Childish, perhaps... .but it works. Maybe because it's kind of silly. It takes the weight out of it. Maybe I'll try this with the location fear.

[SummerStorm]

I love the suggestions here, especially the popcorn/reassociation one. I'm having a similar issue in that I don't go to the two best beaches in town or the most incredible park we have here, because I fear running into her. I saw her on a Monday at the grocery store (turned on my heel and left immediately! Yay me!) so now I don't go there on that day. It's not quite the same as the triggering thing but I'm probably a bit irrationally afraid to run into her.

As for triggering things like songs, I say things like this out loud, like I was a kid, "NO! YOU CAN'T HAVE THIS SONG! IT WAS MINE BEFORE YOU AND ITS MINE NOW!" and imagine just grabbing it back and running away with it. Childish, perhaps... .but it works. Maybe because it's kind of silly. It takes the weight out of it. Maybe I'll try this with the location fear.

I think speaking out loud can have some great benefits.  You are taking back your power.

I'm lucky because I don't have a chance of running into her.  She lives about 45 minutes away and has zero interests or hobbies, so she won't show up at places I like to go.

[VitaminC]

I saw her on a Monday at the grocery store (turned on my heel and left immediately! Yay me!) so now I don't go there on that day. It's not quite the same as the triggering thing but I'm probably a bit irrationally afraid to run into her.

As for triggering things like songs, I say things like this out loud, like I was a kid, "NO! YOU CAN'T HAVE THIS SONG! IT WAS MINE BEFORE YOU AND ITS MINE NOW!" and imagine just grabbing it back and running away with it. Childish, perhaps... .but it works. Maybe because it's kind of silly. It takes the weight out of it. Maybe I'll try this with the location fear.

SummerStorm and Vera True, great ideas!   

I am aware of a couple of things that have strong associations and am thinking how to just re-work them in my mind or avoid the thing altogether.

I've been reading the info on this site and these boards so much over the last couple of weeks - because to have a better understanding of the whole thing has put some structure on it. This has been really helpful.

My plan is to avoid contact as much as possible. In the case of my ex, we have office spaces near each other and I'm planning to move upstairs thus minimizing run-ins. I'm going to avoid going anywhere he might be on days he might be there. I've told friends I want no updates of any kind.

Until I feel stronger and calmer, and I'm getting there I think, I will not put myself at risk. 

[Skip]

I think you are referring to ruminations. This is an excerpt from a good article on how to manage ruminations. Many members have tried this and reported good results.  It is not overnight, but it works.

Rule: The emotional part of a memory begins 90 to 120 seconds after a file is pulled.

In mental health situations, this is perhaps the most important neurological rule. Once we pull a file, after 90 seconds the emotional component begins. Our mood starts to change, returning us to the mood which was present when the file was made. As an example, remember someone discussing the recent death of a loved one. The first two minutes of conversation may go well - then they become sad. The longer the file is out (being discussed), the more the emotional component surfaces to the point that they will become tearful. If the file remains out, the exact feelings made at the time of the funeral and death will surface - they will talk about loss, love, guilt, or whatever other feelings are in the file.

As another example, ask someone about the biggest fish they have caught. When the file is pulled you will receive about two minutes of data, the where and when. Once the memory relives the catch, the person's eyes will widen, their energy level will increase, they may begin arching their back as though illustrating a tough fight, and their entire mood and posture will move as though simulating the reeling-in of a fish. Again, after about two minutes, the emotional component begins to act on our brain chemistry, changing our mood/feelings back to that time.

Socially, imagine having a "bad file" on an individual in the community. You are minding your own business and shopping at Kroger's. You turn the corner only to be confronted by Mr. X. What happens is this - your brain immediately pulls the file, you are somewhat confused at first, and your emotion of anger, fear, or whatever is in the file begins to surface. Even though you may not have seen the individual in 10 years, the Emotional Memory (EM) file is still active and wide-awake in your brain. This explains how many people can say that simply seeing an enemy or disliked person can ruin their entire day. If the file is not properly controlled, the mood will remain for the rest of the day.

The goal in file control is to prevent the 90 - second emotion from coming to the surface. We all have bad files but most people try to control them by preventing the emotional part from bothering them. They do this by putting the file away before the two-minute time limit.



https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=103393.0

[bAlex]

I'll use this as one example... I remember us going to a bar at one point, there was a strange picture on the wall that we both commented on and laughed at. After we parted ways I ended up in that same bar one night. Being there triggered lots of emotion, as did staring at the picture. I'm not sure when exactly it happened but I guess after about the 3rd or 4th time I went back there I stopped associating the bar and the picture with her. I no longer got sad. I frequent that bar to this day (I made friends that go there, nothing to do with her) and I rarely even think of her when I'm there - 0 emotions! 

Maybe exposure to the trigger isn't necessarily always a bad thing? Doing so gave me a chance to stop associating the trigger (bar in my case) to her, I created new, positive associations instead. Might not work for all of them... Just some food for thought.

[VitaminC]

I think you are referring to ruminations. This is an excerpt from a good article on how to manage ruminations. Many members have tried this and reported good results.  It is not overnight, but it works.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=103393.0[/size]

Great article, Skip, thank you !

[troisette]

Last night I watched a DVD of the first film I ever saw with ex, on our first date. At the time I thought it excellent, one of the best films I'd ever seen. He held my hand for the first time and I knew I was on the threshold of something big. Lots of emotions. 

Watched it, with trepidation, with a friend last night. Thought it okay, not nearly as good as I  remember - was so absorbed, I didn't think about him.

I'm hoping this is a blueprint for things to come. I'd say face them head on, don't visit a city or restaurant for the sake of it but if you want to go, go. Slaying toothless dragons, ensuring the fire is damped down first.