5 years later... I fell for it again?

[krax]

Hello everyone!

I was active here about 4 years ago, you all helped me alot to get past my breakup with my exBPD. I made a huge effort with keeping NC, and I managed and got somewhat happy again. But I really missed the intimacy I had with my ex, as you all know, it wasn't all bad. With being single for ~4 years I've been somewhat desperate for love, love where I feel "that" again, but also realizing that "that" probably doesn't exist in a healthy amount.

Fast-forwarding from my breakup with my exBPD, I built a life, on my own which I was pleased with. During last christmas I met a women at work, a person which I felt almost instant attraction to, it was like there was something in her eyes. Problem was, she already had a partner which she had been living with for 4 years. After i found out about this I knew I had to back off. However she took a real interest in me, talking to me everyday when we saw eachother at work. Soon, alot of people from work went out to dinner, she asked me if I was going to join, I just "had to say yes" - Since she asked. At dinner we really hit it off, talked to eachother all night. I remember how I felt that evening, something I hadn't felt since my exBPD.

The following months we talked, by text, every single day. She was the first one she talked to in the morning and the last one before she went to bed. Knowing it was wrong all the time, I knew I had romantic feelings for her, I knew this was so wrong. The healthy thing to do here would be to detach, and I knew it, but couldn't bring myself to it. She never talked about her partner, I hardly even knew his name. This went on for like 6 months, until we were at a party with a common friend, and things went out of hand. We didn't do anything, but she confessed about how much she cared about me, and me about her. After this she ran away.

We met and talked the next day, she confessed once again how she felt about me, and how she wasn't pleased in her current r/s. I said I didn't expect anything from her, just saying how much I liked her. She said she couldn't do anything about the situation. - I was happy with that, or well, of course I was sad, but I thought I had closure, I could move on.

Could not have been more wrong. This was the start of many months being pushed around, doing whatever she pleased with me. I accepted it and was there for her, even though she went back and forth between me and her partner. She was going to leave him, but changed her mind when she was about to and so on. At one point I was feeling so bad, and thought to myself that, no this is not worth it, I had to get out. I told her this. However, as soon as she realized I had made up my mind, she left him, and basically hopping on to a new r/s with me. Also a red flag I decided to ignore - I finally had what I wanted.

But this is where I realized I was back where I was 5 years ago. Everything was the same. The idolize-stage, the resentment at times. I just stood there and took it all, I feel ashamed of myself now, afterwards. She couldn't let go of her ex, always having him in the background, not wanting to make a commitment to me. I always had this lingering feeling of feeling unsafe and anxious. I had since long made plan with a friend to go on a trip, even though at the time I didn't want to. I wanted to stay at home with by gf, because I knew I wouldn't be able to relax. And as I would've guessed. The trip was awful, I just wanted to go home all the time, since I didn't know what she would be doing. Soon before I went home, she texted me saying that she would go with her ex to his sister over the weekend in a town far away, to "explain the situation". I was obviously upset with this, but in the end it all came down how upset SHE got because she upset ME - I had to comfort her.

I got home and we were together for ~4 more weeks. Before stuff happened again, we went out together, but ___ hit the fan again, like it usually did when she drank. She said that she "couldn't open herself up to me, that she was scared". And that "now when im used to you, the excitement is gone and I miss my old life somewhat".

I knew this was it. This was my out, I could NOT deal with this anymore. We talked all night, and we said it would be for the best to move on. I went home, feeling sad of course, but also worried, since I knew this wouldn't be it. For the next couple of days she said that "this is for the best", and that she was too unstable for me. After these couple of days, she kind of gently approached that she would come by after work to see me, talk about things, she basically parked her car outside my apartment. But I said no.

This is where she went all crazy, she went home, kept texting, kept calling. All the time, day and night. I decided I couldn't be part of this game anymore, and she couldn't take it. This have kept going for 10 days, saying that she misses me, and that she has changed, etc. I know deep inside that I can't trust her, I will just be dragged into it again. Now however she has taken a step back, haven't tried to get to me for a couple of days. But now I miss her though... .But I know I have to keep this up... .

Any thoughts?

[JQ]

Hi Krax,

I'm glad you found your way back here and that you know that you can always come here with no judging and some guidance ... .your situation reminds me a lot of mine as I"m sure most other NONs & BPD relationships go ... .but it reminds me of something I saw in a movie ... .

"Bruce, why do we fall?... .So that we can learn to pick ourselves up again." ... .Thomas Wayne to his son Bruce ... .kinda corny but it works.

More importantly you saw early in the "ATTEMPTED" relationship where it was going to go and what you knew it would be a dark cold bat cave ... .hehehe ... .I had to  

You have learned well from your first experience of a relationship with a BPD ... .you just needed a gentle reminder. NONs and BPD are at the opposite end of behavioral spectrum and like magnets ... .opposites attract. I would encourage you to read a book, "The Human Magnet Syndrome" ... .

This magnetic love connection predictably begins like a fairy-tale, but quickly morphs into a painful “seesaw” of love and hate and hope and disappointment.  The experience of relational perfection is really just a guise for the temporary suspension of pathological loneliness, an excruciatingly painful condition that plagues both codependents and narcissists.  At the end of the day, the codependent’s dreams of a soul mate invariably dissolve into a “cellmate” reality.

The main thesis of this book is that codependents and pathological narcissists are naturally attracted to each other because of their opposite but compatible personality types.  Codependents typically lose themselves in relationships in which they provide the lion’s share of love, respect and care to others while neglecting to obtain the same for themselves.  Conversely, narcissists fall deeply in love with selfless caretakers (codependents) who satisfy their emotional and personal needs with no demands of reciprocity.  As partners, they create a dysfunctionally compatible relationship.  The same magnetic force that brought them together also“ bonds them into a long-term and persistent relationship.

This book has helped many see how as a NON their behavior is detrimental towards any relationship with someone with BPD ... .it should help you understand exactly what you're expressing in your post ... .

It's ok to take a step backwards as you have in this case ... .you had a great run of 5 years without the flying monkey circus riding the crazy train roller coaster. We all take steps backwards from time to time ... .that's why we come back here ... .we can't walk your journey for you ... .but when you stumble and fall ... .we can hold out a hand ... .pull you up ... .dust you off ... .and THEN it's up to you to continue to walk down the path you currently are ... .choose to walk a different path ... .or sit back down and stay where you are ... .the choices is yours ... .baby steps ... .learn forward ... .and take your first baby step again ... .

JQ

[NCEA]

Very interesting story. I wonder why you attract these women.

And  sure, she was exciting for you, no normal girl would be after an ancounter with a BPD.

[JQ]

Very interesting story. I wonder why you attract these women.

And  sure, she was exciting for you, no normal girl would be after an ancounter with a BPD.

NCEA,

As I pointed out to Krax ... .BPD & NONs aka "co-dependent" are unfortunately naturally attracted to each other. BPD's have a serious mental/behavioral illness that most likely developed due to childhood trauma as most therapist would indicate. They, "BPDs" develop a survival skills because of this trauma and hone their survival skills over the years. In my case, exBPDgf has been seeing several therapist for nearly 30 years. Although she is self aware, she continues to exhibit bad behavior that will continue to cause damage to any current or future relationships because somewhere in her mind she can rationalize her behavior that says it's ok to do what she does and says what she says because it's for her own benefit of survival.  Research has suggested that even with a lifetime of therapy & possibly meds to adjust their behavior they will continue to have a volatile life.

Now with NON's, they too have behavioral issues due to childhood trauma ... .but with some therapy, some introspection and self evaluation they can learn to adjust their behavior much quicker, easier and longer lasting then the BPD. The NON is most likely a perfectionist, the Knight in Armor with the desire to protect others, they are the Sheriff in the White hat riding in to save the day ... .and unfortunately they see all those things in someone who has BPD.  IN part this is why they are the "perfect" relationship ... .the BPD is in constant chaos, full of drama & trauma, they are constantly the victim in everything that is bad and are looking for someone to save them, to protect them.

The NON constantly looks for approval and constantly strives for perfection in order to receive accolades of approval that will never come and continue to towards their perfect persona because they believe if they are perfect in every aspect of their life that the BPD will finally accept them and both will find the love that they both disparately seek. They are constantly polish the Star on their chest as the Sheriff in the white hat so when they ride in to save the daily drama of the BPD they are seen as a hero, the person who saved them and they will be forever grateful and will ride off into the sunset with their "soulmate" ... .only to realize in this peaceful moment is only temporary with the next drama incident happening in the next few hours or possibly in the next few days ... .and the process of saving, rescuing and the next drama incident recycle over and over again.

The behavior of a NON is not damaging to others like the behavior of a BPD ... .perhaps it's because of the different types of trauma that caused them to behave in the way that they do. BPD by all accounts is a Very Serious Mental / Behavioral Illness that cause not only pain to others but pain to themselves.  In the schemes of things, it's much easier as a NON to learn to say NO ... .NO to the mental, physical, emotional abuse that others take advantage of them. It's easier to stand up for yourself and not let others take advantage of yourself as a NON ... .it's easier to learn that it's ok to put yourself first from time to time and that you are NOT responsible for others happiness.

BPD's seek out and find NONs through different means they've learned over the years ... .BPDs seek out NONs to satisfy their need ... .it's not so much how or why he attracted these women but more likely the BPD woman seek out him for his kindness and savior complex. 

JQ

[Learning_curve74]

krax, sorry to hear your story. Sounds like you have some work to do. You're not alone in that, just look at all the other people here.

I agree with JQ and his Batman quote. We often make the same "mistakes" until we learn from them. This is a world of instant gratification to feel excited or happy, yet we have a whole life ahead of us, and sometimes the long term consequences of going to for quick fix aren't so good.

Sometimes it's like being an addict. You miss what made you feel good, and its easy to give up the path that is in your own best interests long term for a short term gain. What is it you want? What things in life are important to you? When you figure these things out, it's a lot easier to clear away the things that are in the way keeping you from achieving the life you desire.

[krax]

Thank you so much for your kind replies. It's really important to me to feel that im at a place where im being understood.

I've realized that my main issues are setting boundaries. I think that I've let myself be trampled on my whole life. This is something I know I have to work with and improve.

I had a minor setback a few days ago aswell. I saw her at work, from her being all over, texting and calling 24/7 to just ignoring me at work, just looking the other way. It really got to me, and I later let my self getting talked into seeing her and speaking with her. Which apperantly (duh?) was a bad Idea. I just got sucked into it again, she being the "perfect girlfriend". But I think the main difference this time was that for the first time in a long time I felt my own value. Just laying there in her bed made me feel disgusted with myself and I knew I had to make changes.

Maybe she had realized what will happen if she takes me for granted and steps all over me and really was a good girlfriend this time around, which she said she would be. But it didnt matter, she had already done all the unacceptable things she've done, so I told her the next day that I no longer could be a part of this and walked out.

I think this was a really big first step for me, realizing my own value and setting boundaries, bounderies she'd ignored for months!

I think im on the right track... .

[Welgrow]

Krax,

You're telling my story with different circumstances and all the same feelings and major plot twists. Thanks for being here and sharing your experience. It helped me tonight.