Want to get the anger out...

[C.Stein]

Emotionally, I can't just seem to shake it.  I want to get back to my normal self, my normal routine, my normal life if you will.  I just can't seem to get her out of my head though.  The wound just won't seem to close right now.

You and me both and I haven't seen or heard from mine since Oct.  Sometimes it all seems like a dream, like she isn't really gone even though logically I know she is.  It pisses me off to be honest ... .everything about it pisses me off right now.  I'm just pissed off and sad/depressed ... .what a f'd up combination. 

[Lonely_Astro]

LA,

It will take time---especially since you share the same work environment---but you will do it. 

Keep in mind that J is a toddler emotionally.  I'm not excusing but just trying to reframe her behavior.  As C. Stein commented, she's pouting like a youngster since you removed one of her favorite toys from her reach.  The adult response would be to discuss and sort thru matters.  Her response?  Smiling and snap chatting---just like how my kids would behave emotionally when they were much younger, didn't get their way and hadn't the maturity to react otherwise. 

Stay neutral, confident and positive and you'll find your normal routine before you know it.

LF

It's one thing I try to keep in mind constantly: she's emotionally a toddler.  Then I start to feel weird because we were physical with each other.  Creeps me out now that I think about it.  Legally, she's an adult.  Emotionally she isn't.  I feel used and like I took advantage of her.  But, that's a different topic all together.

You are correct.  The adult thing to have done would've been to have said thanks for the coffee and went on.  I would've been fine with her saying "you didn't have to do that, but thank you" or something to that affect and we could've went on with our day.  But, no.  She had to throw a tantrum in front of my fellow co-workers and be quite nasty verbally (she emphasized the 'you' words: "I don't want you're coffee... ." and  "I certainly don't want you to pay for it".

I did see her briefly today as I passed by.  She wasn't as put together today and had on no makeup.  She also had a sorry look on her face (she was on her work telephone).  When she noticed I was passing by, she looked up, half smiled and waived at me.  Just weird.  I did waive back.  She may have treated me like trash, but I won't stoop to her level in the end.  I still want to chew her out, though.

You and me both and I haven't seen or heard from mine since Oct.  Sometimes it all seems like a dream, like she isn't really gone even though logically I know she is.  It pisses me off to be honest ... .everything about it pisses me off right now.  I'm just pissed off and sad/depressed ... .what a f'd up combination. 

I'm with you.  I am both angry and sad at the same time.  I'm angry for a crap ton of reasons.  I'm also sad it's over.  But what I'm more sad than anything is that she felt the need to present herself as someone she's not for no legitimate reason.  I know I can't blame her 100%.  In the beginning, I think she honestly believed we would make it this time.  She believed everything she told me, right up until it wasn't true anymore.  Than she was coward for not getting rid of me.  That's when I start to get angry.  She used me and then had the audacity to say I was the one using her.  Ugh.  Just typing it makes me want to walk up to her tomorrow and give her the what for in front of God and Country.

[Learning Fast]

LA,

But what I'm more sad than anything is that she felt the need to present herself as someone she's not for no legitimate reason


She believed everything she told me, right up until it wasn't true anymore.


Sadly, so true that these are such common characteristics of the affliction.   You could replace "J" with "A", or "B" or "C" and so on and the end result would still be the same.  We've all had the same experiences only with different names, ages and locations.  I know this is becoming a tired yarn but don't take it personally.  She simply doesn't possess the emotional skill set to behave in an adult manner.

Give it time, LA.  I realize that we all want to fast forward the healing process but you will experience higher highs and higher lows as you move ahead.  Have a great weekend!

LF

[Lonely_Astro]

LA,

But what I'm more sad than anything is that she felt the need to present herself as someone she's not for no legitimate reason


She believed everything she told me, right up until it wasn't true anymore.


Sadly, so true that these are such common characteristics of the affliction.   You could replace "J" with "A", or "B" or "C" and so on and the end result would still be the same.  We've all had the same experiences only with different names, ages and locations.  I know this is becoming a tired yarn but don't take it personally.  She simply doesn't possess the emotional skill set to behave in an adult manner.

Give it time, LA.  I realize that we all want to fast forward the healing process but you will experience higher highs and higher lows as you move ahead.  Have a great weekend!

LF

Thanks, LF.  Hope you have a good weekend as well. 

I know that 6 months from now or a year from now J will be a memory to me.  She'll always have a special place in my heart because she is special to me.  I may or may not be special to her.  I suspect I am, in her own twisted way (something she even said).  She also said to me that she knew she had to let me go because she would always hurt me and I didn't deserve that.

That would've been nice to have known prior to another attempt at a romantic r/s. 

[Euler2718]

Yeah. Hang in there today. Its so true. They force you to leave and them blame you for it, like love is supposed to mean being willing to be destroyed by them.[/quote]
... .mine said I didn't love Jesus the right way and it would affect our kids. It's convincing in some ways, if it wasn't something else the four or five times before that. Anyway, I either had to change my relationship with God so it meets her standard or we're through (the end).

A perverse side of me wanted to fake a "conversion" -- not to get her back, just to see what the next 'deal-breaker' turned out to be.

[Mutt]

I wasted so much time I'll never get back and she's acting like a complete tool to boot.  I wish she would quit.

I think that there are two ways that you can look at this. There are a lot of lessons that we can learn about ourselves in relationships with what we put out there in the world that we can take with us moving forward.

I know how invalidating that can feel when our ex partner's are acting like a tool because she can't put herself in your perspective and assess how her behaviors may hurt your feelings. I would feel hurt too. A pwBPD have low emotional intelligence, difficulties managing their own emotions and understanding the emotional state of others.

How about indifference? Become indifferent to her behaviors. You neither hate it or like it. Make sense?

this is part of radically accepting a person. of course her actions, toward you, feel very personal.

That's right. As I said earlier, we can look at this more than one way and not let her behaviors affect you down the road with radical acceptance. I see ex snap chatting without a care in the world again  

[C.Stein]

But what I'm more sad than anything is that she felt the need to present herself as someone she's not for no legitimate reason. 

Hmmm, yes.  I am sad about this as well, but more angry than sad.  Reason being I know she feels that it was me who misrepresented myself to her.  She just cannot seem to grasp/see/understand the impact her behavior had on me or how it affected my own behavior towards her (i.e. distancing, withdrawal).   Instead of taking responsibility for her behavior and actions it is easier to blame me for not being the "person" she fell in love with, presumably so she can justify what she did this year to me ... .  the likely emotional affair, eventual discard and lightning quick "new" relationship. 

I am all but convinced in her eyes she believes she was wronged by me and she is the victim.  This is what she needs to tell herself (and probably others) so she can feel righteous.  She does play the victim role like a professional.  She just can't seem to understand the emotional impact of betraying a persons trust, not only with regard to truth and honesty but more importantly with regard to emotional trust.   She has likely convinced herself of all the lies she has told herself to the extent she doesn't even know the real truth anymore. 

[Anez]

Astro:

I just posted this on the saving board after a very intense session with my T yesterday. Lately I've been wanting to get back into my relationship with my ex. he explained why I shouldn't and how I should deal with the fantasy thoughts i have of her and how I have to see her at work ever day.

here's my post:

He laid it out like this - he's had a number of patients dealing with BPD exs and he knows the odds of them getting together and working out aren't great. Sure, some make it through, but for the most part we all know how they go. He asked me if I was ready to put her behind me. I said yes. He called my BS and said no you're not but you need to take steps to be. He said if we ever got back together it would be shorter than the first time and it would not be as good and it would end with even more pain. He also warned me about if we got back together she might try to get pregnant - he's had this happen to at least five patients in the past - and then I'd be stuck for the rest of my life dealing with an ex - because it wouldn't last - and a kid. And that scared the heck out of me.

So how do I deal with the fantasy thoughts and seeing her at work? He told me whenever I have a good memory about it her make sure I follow it up with a bad memory. Like - she played a big part in the destruction of my marriage, she hurt me more than anyone has, and she threw me away. I'm gonna work on that when I see her or think good things about her.

He went so far as to look in my eyes and call her the devil.

I've felt different since yesterdays session. More in control. Will that change in an hour when she shows up at work? Probably a little, but I know what I have to do to make each day better. 

I think distractions are great. I think meeting new people is great. I hurt, sure, but I need to find normal women and have strong relationship. I have a second date on Saturday night and a first date on Sunday. Just getting out there and meeting new people and seeing where things go.

It's time to rebuild and recover. We deserve better. We don't deserve to continually wonder if our BPD ex will ever want to get back with us.

It's their loss.

It's our victory.

[Lonely_Astro]

Astro:

I just posted this on the saving board after a very intense session with my T yesterday. Lately I've been wanting to get back into my relationship with my ex. he explained why I shouldn't and how I should deal with the fantasy thoughts i have of her and how I have to see her at work ever day.

here's my post:

He laid it out like this - he's had a number of patients dealing with BPD exs and he knows the odds of them getting together and working out aren't great. Sure, some make it through, but for the most part we all know how they go. He asked me if I was ready to put her behind me. I said yes. He called my BS and said no you're not but you need to take steps to be. He said if we ever got back together it would be shorter than the first time and it would not be as good and it would end with even more pain. He also warned me about if we got back together she might try to get pregnant - he's had this happen to at least five patients in the past - and then I'd be stuck for the rest of my life dealing with an ex - because it wouldn't last - and a kid. And that scared the heck out of me.

So how do I deal with the fantasy thoughts and seeing her at work? He told me whenever I have a good memory about it her make sure I follow it up with a bad memory. Like - she played a big part in the destruction of my marriage, she hurt me more than anyone has, and she threw me away. I'm gonna work on that when I see her or think good things about her.

He went so far as to look in my eyes and call her the devil.

I've felt different since yesterdays session. More in control. Will that change in an hour when she shows up at work? Probably a little, but I know what I have to do to make each day better. 

I think distractions are great. I think meeting new people is great. I hurt, sure, but I need to find normal women and have strong relationship. I have a second date on Saturday night and a first date on Sunday. Just getting out there and meeting new people and seeing where things go.

It's time to rebuild and recover. We deserve better. We don't deserve to continually wonder if our BPD ex will ever want to get back with us.

It's their loss.

It's our victory.

I was always anxious after J and I were physical.  I had always wondered in the back of my mind the 'what if' she came to me and said she was pregnant.  Being a dad isn't what scares me, I'm already one.  What scared me would be the aftermath of that.  I mean, I had my doubts about her and M to start with, then add in N and B.  I would have little choice to ask for a blood test (therefore adding a whole new set of drama to the equation - simply because I requested it - she wouldn't focus on the why I asked because I should've "trusted her" as she always put it).  Then, there is the entire hormonal changes that would occur.  She was hard enough to deal with, I can only imagine what the hormonal stress (and just general stressors) that a pregnancy would put on her.  She would always sense my anxiety about it (and we did talk about it).  It was one thing I concealed from her, the deep rooted reason why I was anxious (I told her it was my issue and has been since my teenage years, which was a 1/2 truth).  The deep truth was I didn't trust her to take her pills like she should... .it was always in the back of my mind.  Please keep in mind that it wasn't I was afraid to have kid(s) with her.  No.  I was afraid to have a kid with her under those circumstances.

But, there were things that eased my mind.  The truth is she couldn't afford to get pregnant.  I don't mean that financially, either.  I mean she would have to explain to her mom, M, B, R, me, (and whoever else I didn't/don't know about) what had happened and then she would have to 'pick' one of us.  That would immediately shut down the others as well.  That is the sole reason I feel she kept up with her bc... .she didn't want to become pregnant.  She had told me that she had had a miscarriage early in the marriage to M.  She claims he was glad because he didn't want "another mouth to feed and she'd be a horrible mom".  Whether any of that was true or not, I have no idea.  Plus she was always on the fence about being a parent, anyway.  She would talk about how one day "when she had kids" and then the very next day she would be talking about how she never wanted them (fear of rejection from them, making them 'bad', etc).  But, I was always relieved when Aunt Flo came to visit.  It's been several months since we were physical and I know Flo has came every month like clockwork.  So, theres some relief.  But, that's an entirely different topic of discussion. 

I have started doing the good/bad thoughts already.  I will think about how she bought me this gift or how we did this or how great that was but I will immediately taint that with something bad (usually several things) she did to me.  Over the past few days I have grown more angry toward her than anything.  Simply because of how she led me to believe something she knew wasn't true and then blames it on her disorder.  No, it's not the disorders fault, it's J's fault.  She chose to do those things instead of walking away.  All of this has been by her choice.  She may have regretted the actions after the fact, but she chose, in those moments to do what she did.  She chose to lie to me about M.  She chose to lie for an entire month about B.  She chose to keep me in limbo while dating R.  Those were her choices.  Then she has the nerve to tell me it was my choice to leave her.  What the F ever.

I had to interact extremely briefly with her at work today and it was not really a positive experience.  What I mean was I had to ask her for something and she was extremely hateful and short with me.  I didn't react positive or negative to it.  I basically just ignored the tone.  She didn't really say anything else, got me what I needed, and then spun back around, turned her country music up loud and started singing like she was rocking out in her car or something.  I found the entire thing bizarre.  Plus, it seems that the dressing nice is over for this week.  She was wearing no makeup, her glasses (which she always said she "hated", a sweatshirt, and jeans.  So it seems like the couple of days she dressed up nice was either to show me what I was missing, she had a date, or she just felt like it.  Of course, knowing her like (I thought) I do, she was doing it to flaunt herself to me.

I don't know if it's anger, detachment, or something else... .but she just doesn't hold the allure to me she did even a couple of weeks ago.  Do I agree with your T saying she's the devil incarnate?  I see her more as a succubus or harpy at this point.  She did a lot of evil things to me, but unlike herself, I can get away from her where she can't.  Still, I want to chew her out... .hopefully that'll subside soon enough and indifference will settle in.

[C.Stein]

Simply because of how she led me to believe something she knew wasn't true and then blames it on her disorder.  No, it's not the disorders fault, it's J's fault.  She chose to do those things instead of walking away.  All of this has been by her choice.  She may have regretted the actions after the fact, but she chose, in those moments to do what she did.  She chose to lie to me about M.  She chose to lie for an entire month about B.  She chose to keep me in limbo while dating R.  Those were her choices.  Then she has the nerve to tell me it was my choice to leave her.  What the F ever.

The dark side of impulsivity.  Actions with little or no thought to the consequences of those actions.  Once the consequences come back and slap her in the face, then the excuses, finger pointing, shifting of blame, etc... .Anything to avoid taking responsibility for her own actions ... .and it doesn't matter who gets trampled in the process.

[Lonely_Astro]

Simply because of how she led me to believe something she knew wasn't true and then blames it on her disorder.  No, it's not the disorders fault, it's J's fault.  She chose to do those things instead of walking away.  All of this has been by her choice.  She may have regretted the actions after the fact, but she chose, in those moments to do what she did.  She chose to lie to me about M.  She chose to lie for an entire month about B.  She chose to keep me in limbo while dating R.  Those were her choices.  Then she has the nerve to tell me it was my choice to leave her.  What the F ever.

The dark side of impulsivity.  Actions with little or no thought to the consequences of those actions.  Once the consequences come back and slap her in the face, then the excuses, finger pointing, shifting of blame, etc... .Anything to avoid taking responsibility for her own actions ... .and it doesn't matter who gets trampled in the process.

This is where I begin to see J's let say, um, psychopathic ASPD traits start to show up.  While she's not diagnosed ASPD (or that she's told me so, anyway), she shows traits of it.  What I mean is she told me once that she never did anything on impulse.  She said she never did anything she didn't want to do.  So, using that logic if true, she willfully hurts others.  She has demonstrated several of the symptoms of ASPD throughout the year.  No, I'm not trying to add a diagnosis and I know there is overlap in cluster b disorders.  Simply what I'm saying is that while J may truly be BPD, she is acutely aware of her condition/diagnosis but this doesn't stop her from disregarding 'right' from 'wrong', lacking empathy, and frequently violates the rights of others by using dishonesty/misrepresentation.

I refuse to give her a 'pass' simply because she had a PD.  She could 'get better' (as she often says she wants to), she just doesn't want to really. 

[Anez]

I'm in a different mindset today. One of change. One of why do I care so much about this girl? I'm done with her. Done concerning myself with her. As my therapist said yesterday - she's the devil. She blew up my life, hurt my so deep, and then threw me away.

there's no fixing her. She'll be like this forever and now she can be someone else's problem.

Let's just forget about these women. There are so many other good ones. Let's call it F-Off Friday and just push forward and not look back.

who's with me?

[Lonely_Astro]

I'm in a different mindset today. One of change. One of why do I care so much about this girl? I'm done with her. Done concerning myself with her. As my therapist said yesterday - she's the devil. She blew up my life, hurt my so deep, and then threw me away.

there's no fixing her. She'll be like this forever and now she can be someone else's problem.

Let's just forget about these women. There are so many other good ones. Let's call it F-Off Friday and just push forward and not look back.

who's with me?

Yes, Anez.  She will always be broken and there's no 'fixing her'.

In the spirit of FIF, I'm going to prepare me one of my favorite dishes, put on Fool That I Am by Etta James, drink a pint to honor the good times, another to the bad, and close this chapter of J and me.  I can't say I won't have my down times, but she's ruled my emotions long enough.  I'll still be active on the board, that's what we're all here for after all.

Do something good for yourself tonight, ok?

[Anez]

Will do, Astro.

[MapleBob]

Let's just forget about these women. There are so many other good ones. Let's call it F-Off Friday and just push forward and not look back.

who's with me?

I still have to do that talk with mine tonight, but I'll do "S*ck It Saturday"! 

[Anez]

There ya go, maple! Good luck tonight.

I just wrote a goodbye note in a big special book about my fav band, one I introduced to her and that she said she liked and got her through tough times, for my birthday and went outside and threw it in an empty trash bin that had 4 inches of rain in it.

So long!