Is it common to emotionally abuse your emotional abuser?

[Mr. Magnet]

I found that after an extended period of time of putting up with systemic emotional and verbal abuse that I started using the same tactics in retaliation.  It is something I am very ashamed about.

Of course, she barely remembers the things she said to me over the years but remembers every verbal slight I delivered.

It's like I sunk to her level.

Just curious if this is typical.  It's as if I became the piece of **** she always said I was (among other awesome insults).

[thisworld]

Hi,

Yes, it's more common than you would imagine. IMHO, this is one reason why boundaries are very important. Not only to stop receiving the behaviour we don't like but also to keep ourselves contained in our reasonable limits that respect and recognize the other person.

Part of our healing is to look at ourselves honestly, fearlessly but with compassion, find out what led us to do those things and create conditions where this will preferably not happen again.

You are a strong person for recognizing your responsibility,

Stay strong

[Mr. Magnet]

One night she had just pushed my buttons too much and I got drunk and then pretty much told her exactly what I thought of her, laced with many insults including the horrific statement that she deserved to have been abused as a child (I know), as well as throwing BPD in her face (she HATES if I mention BPD in response to something she is doing or saying).

She claims she decided at that point to file for divorce, because she couldn't respect herself if she stayed married to a man who would say those things, which is surreal since I had endured years of her control, isolation, splitting, rage, insults, panic attacks, trips to the emergency room, etc.

She is a diagnosed BPD, and I am obviously very co-dependent to the point of mental illness it would seem.

[Mutt]

Hi Mr Magnet,




I had similar feelings and felt ashamed. Don't beat yourself up. I agree with thisworld that boundaries are very important and there's a lot that we can learn about ourselves.

BPD is a persecution complex and the person believes that issues are caused externally by other people or circumstances and a person with BPD will project anything that is bad about them. If we are cast in the role of persecutor and maintain that position for an extended length of time the pwBPD will emotionally collapse.

Is she in therapy? Are you separated or living together?

[Mr. Magnet]

Yes, but I really didn't notice that much of a difference.

Divorced.

She would go on 10 minute tirades where she just raged louder and louder casting the most unbelievable insults.

When I was laid off a few years ago, I said to her, "you are my wife, you know me best: what other careers could I look into that would fit me?"

Her response: "I'm not your effin headhunter."

[Mutt]

How long have you been divorced? Do you have kids? Is there communication with you and your ex wife?

[Mr. Magnet]

Recently divorced.  One 5 year old who I am worried about, but this was a very wealthy family and I was not able to get into a protracted battle so it all went down very, very quickly.

[Mutt]

I'm sorry to hear that. Do you have visitation or shared custody with your 4 year old? Boy or girl?

Are you getting angry calls, texts or emails from your ex?

[Mr. Magnet]

I have one night every week and every other weekend.  I tried for more but she'd have none of it and I could not fight this family.

No right now she hates me.  I endured 500 texts a day from her and now zip.

Today I had to stop by and she ripped into me calling me a piece of ****, pathetic, a con man, a grifter, she could never reconcile with me, I am trash, etc.

One week before she told me she was divorcing me she told me I was her soulmate and her "best friend."

[Mutt]

Today I had to stop by and she ripped into me calling me a piece of ****, pathetic, a con man, a grifter, she could never reconcile with me, I am trash, etc.

I understand. It felt like I was under an emotional barrage when I broke up. I had never seen that level of intensity with anger with my ex wife. It was tough. I turned to family and friends for support and no one understood what I was going through because BPD is an invisible disorder and the behaviors are directed at loved ones. My ex wife also took our kids and I didn't have much for visitation. She said "If you behave Mutt, maybe you'll get to see them more often" The break-up was hard but what killed me was not seeing the kids.

How are you holding up?

[Conundrum]

Hi, I'm sorry that you're in a hard place. Make the best of the time that you have w your child. The dividends will be immense. Yes, I think it's rather common that we adopt maladaptive behaviors. It's as if we get so tired and fed up, that we go along for the ride. I went to some dark places, but it wasn't her fault, just me giving into demons that are best left in the attics of our minds. Don't be too hard on yourself because we don't have an obligation to be perfect. Just aspire towards the best that you can do.

[Mr. Magnet]

what friends?  going to take a lot of repair work to get them back into my life

[thisworld]

If you look after yourself well, focus on recovery and practice self-love and self-care, friends come back quickly, support circles are built quicker than you expect or new friendships start.

You have come out of a very difficult thing; you may be experiencing defeat now but you are actually a survivor and you'll actually start thriving soon.

Of all your problems, if there was something you would like to work on, what would that be?

(Mine is to reorganize my sleep cycle and slowly move toward the self-awareness work. With the help of this site, I have made some sense of this disorder and now I want to understand myself better:))   

[Mutt]

Did she smear you to friends?

Did everyone take her side?

We've walked a mile in your shoes. It helps to talk.

[Welgrow]

Mr Magnet,

I just spent the last few days laying into my undiagnosed BPDx, and I basically beat a dead horse and ended up feeling like I acted like her minus the insults and screaming. I did scream at her the night that I found the evidence of her cheating. I'm certainly ashamed of my behavior that night. Most of my resentment now centers around her cheating, lies and things she said to immaculate me. She went in her usual circular pattern of communication that never goes anywhere. I felt like a persecutor! I have been furious with her and there is really nothing she can do to undo her actions. I felt like I was sucked back into her web and I was desperately trying to work up the nerve to end contact and block her. I know where you're coming from. I don't feel any better for doing it and I'm a better person than that. I feel like I need to be angry and embrace the fact that I'm a whole person who hurts, needs, and gets angry too. I wish I had found a different way. Some friends have reminded me that I'm human and it's natural to mess up.

[fabayla]

I feel your pain. I found myself in -exactly- the same position after a few years with my BPD ex. It's one of the things that haunts me now. I was much healthier than that before, and I knew better. But the rages, screaming, and insults hit me on a very fundamental level, and eventually I found myself raging back, throwing the ridiculous insults back, essentially saying things that I've never said to anyone in my life. Those things never would have occurred to me to even think before, but after hearing them enough and having a high stress level of my own at that point (for other reasons, but the relationship didn't help), apparently I snapped.

I realized that I had sunk to a horrible place in my own right, and ended the relationship for the sake of both of us -- it had just turned into a 24/7 nightmare where it was remarkable to go a few hours without an argument, and arguments often lasted a few hours. Health on both sides was failing. I didn't know what to do except go no contact and try to sort my own stuff out, I was just overwhelmed, confused, and exhausted. That made my ex (and me, frankly) deeply unhappy and upset, but I couldn't see any alternatives at the time. Probably there weren't any.

Now that I've had a few months of distance, I'm still haunted by my own bad behavior and bad choices, and wonder if things could have been different if I had handled my own boundaries better. So no, you're not crazy or weird... .I think that even if I hadn't been dealing with some significant life stresses of my own and was completely centered, it still would have been hard to listen to the rants, rages, and double-binds with perfect boundaries and equanimity.

[wishfulthinking]

I went a LONG time without snapping back.  Mostly begging him to tell me what it was I had done wrong, but never name calling, insults, anything like that.

Fast forward a year of almost constant rages, sleep deprivation, escalating physical violence, horrible name calling, terrible insults about my ex-husband from first marriage cheating on me and how I deserved it and how my mom died and I needed to get over it because "she's dead".  Broken things in my home I worked hard for and were from my mom, etc... .

I snapped.

I fought back verbally.  I called names, I yelled truths in a horrible manner, but I never said anything that wasn't true, I just made sure it was said in the meanest way possible.  After so much physical violence, I pushed back when he'd hold me down or push me.  He hit me, I hit him back (once because he hit me harder right after).  After that, I stopped fighting back physically except to try to get him off of me.  I had quit.  My fire had gone out.  He had broken me.  But that's ok.  It was heading to a dangerous place anyway.  About a month ago he choked me.  Last Friday, my divorce was final.  Yesterday morning, he had to be escorted off my property by the police.  He'd kept me up all night searching through my things and accusing me of having marks on my legs from garter belts... .keep in mind, he has barely worked since we've been together (3 years) and was home all day... .I had a 102 fever and was sick as hell so I had stayed home and lay on the couch all day and then went straight to bed... .he KNEW where I'd been.  I've never cheated.  This man was the love of my life.  He forced me to put on the garters he "knew" had left the marks (mind you it's 130 in the morning and I've been in bed for hours, they were sheet marks) and by forced me, I mean he physically put them on me even though my whole body hurt from being sick and I was feeling like crap.  He wouldn't leave me alone.  When he couldn't match up the marks, he tried another one, then another one.  Then, he started searching the bedroom.  He took my phone where I couldn't call the police and followed me when I got up to use the bathroom and even watched me pee.  When I begged him to let me go to sleep because I didn't feel good, he kept saying he was almost done and would let me.  I tried to go to the living room and sleep, but he wouldn't let me.  Pulled and pushed me back into the bedroom.  I tried to put the covers over my head to block out the light, but then he started talking and singing and whistling.  I couldn't take anymore.  When he finally gave my phone back at 5, I called and had them take him.  I had told him he could remain there until he could find a place as long as things stayed civil, but obviously, they weren't going to.

I feel ashamed of how I reacted to him for so long.  Those things are not like me at all and weren't for a long time. 

[Mr. Magnet]

Today I was told I am a piece of ####, a grifter, a con man, blah blah blah

She's definitely been raging the last 48 hours.

If there is anything worse then a BPD, it's a wealthy BPD.

I walk out with next to nothing (thanks pre-nup), but she's the one whose life is ruined.

[GoingBack2OC]

I found that after an extended period of time of putting up with systemic emotional and verbal abuse that I started using the same tactics in retaliation.  It is something I am very ashamed about.

Of course, she barely remembers the things she said to me over the years but remembers every verbal slight I delivered.

It's like I sunk to her level.

Just curious if this is typical.  It's as if I became the piece of **** she always said I was (among other awesome insults).

Wow this really hit home. Yes I truly believe so. I have just been "set free" - or rather dumped; from my ex girlfriend who is somewhere in the BPD/NARC/APD spectrum.

I can say without a doubt that I in so many ways changed during our 5 year romance; to where I would do things; and say things; horrible things to her, that I had never, ever done to anyone in the past.

It got so bad that last Christmas (a year ago); I called my Ex (prior relationship to this last one); crying. After apologizing for intruding back into her life so many years later - she's now married; and also around the holidays; (she was very compassionate); I just needed to talk to someone who really knew me and remembered me from before where I was at that time with my BPD/APD ex.

I asked my EX EX girlfriend (hope you guys are following here) this question:  When we fought; did I ever call you mean names? Did I ever say horrible things to you?  She responded: No we never fought like that. We didnt really fight... .maybe we bickered a bit like an old married couple; but we never had any really bad fights, and you never fought like that. I started crying even more.

I knew I had been changed; brainwashed in a way by this new person over the past 4 years.

But look; get punched; maybe you'll fall down. Get punched again; you'll defend yourself. Once more, you'll likely punch back. Kick a dog so many times he's one day going to bite you back. This is nature. It's normal. It's within our genetic makeup - to protect ourselves. Whether it be from predators trying to harm or eat us; or emotional abusers. We defend.

My ex-BPD/APD girlfriend over the course of our "wonderful" five year romance called me:  A parasite. An emotional vampire. A worthless piece of sh*t. A criminal. A monster. An as#hole. A horrible person. A drug addict (because I take ADHD meds). And a million other names I'd rather forget.

I cannot count; or rather, if I had a dollar for every time she said "I hate you" or "I'm busy" or "Leave me Alone"... .and her favorite:  "What do you want from me"; I'd be a trillionaire.

Well 2 years in; I'm acting much the same:  But not completely. I started calling names back. Something I had never done before. Ever; with anyone. It's just not who I ever was. I started playing games. Likely because I felt I was being played with.

It becomes a game. But in the end it's a game they win (in their world); because they operate under a very different set of rules. You can't hurt them the way they hurt us. My ex- in many ways; I felt was pretty much sheilded from feeling pain; or guilt; or remorse; or empathy for that matter. Which makes it very difficult to operate in a loving relationship. My love was deep; but rarely reciprocated. So I in turn became angry... .why doesnt she love me like I love her? Why does she call me such horrible things? Etc.

We kick back. It's normal. Don't feel ruined. I think the farther we separate ourselves from these toxic people; the healthier we become (or return to). They were toxic; and the things you mentioned:  Side Effects.  Remove the toxin:  Return to health.

I really believe this. You don't learn these traits at age 35. You don't become brainwashed; or that screwed up at age 25. That kind of screwing up happens at age 5. The formative years.

Healing is absolutely possible; and believing it's not is just weak. Trust me; you are not weak. You survived.

We're all Heros. We went to hell and came back burnt but still alive- burnt but with the realization something went wrong; and we want to make our lives right. Heros. Write that on your mirror.

[MakingMyWay]

This is a very comforting topic for me, knowing that I wasn't the only one who regrets things which were said and done as a reaction to their behaviour.

[hurting300]

Well... .I will have to admit I said a lot of things I regret... .She lied a lot to me and I just couldn't take it anymore... it was my choice on how to react.

[GoingBack2OC]

Well... .I will have to admit I said a lot of things I regret... .She lied a lot to me and I just couldn't take it anymore... it was my choice on how to react.

I'll agree with this sentiment. We are ultimately in control of what we do and what we say. However, I also think that when we as humans are tested, or rather tortured, there are limits to self control. Take war for example. Good, genuinely good people drafted into the battlefields of war by their governments become what some would consider murderers. People who would never think of harming or killing others are suddenly thrust into a situation where they have no choice but to let go of their control.

Psychologically, I think the same thing can happen when being abused, especially by someone you love and trust. My relationship with my ex-girlfriend was horrific. I was such a nice, successful, loving guy. I had a huge circle of friends. Slowly, over time, her manipulation, ridiculing, and just overall torment; which slowly became more and more commonplace; changed me.

I take responsibility for for the terrible things I said and did back to her. But I also--- and this is the big one... .I apologized. I apologized to her, for doing things and saying things, and I knew she would never apologize back. She never did.

I want to say I find some solace in knowing that she's the sick one. I am meerly experiencing the side effects of her toxic life. I feel bad for her in some ways. I don't think anyone would chose to be- what I consider her- more than a BPD or APD, or NARC - she's a sociopath. Not a psychopath, at least I dont think. But shes Borderline, Avoidant, a complete narcissist, and ultimately a sociopath. No remorse. No empathy. None. A shell of a human.

Loving someone like that... .and not realizing they are what they are until it's too late. Will push any person to their limits.

Its rough.

[Fr4nz]

Hi, I'm sorry that you're in a hard place. Make the best of the time that you have w your child. The dividends will be immense. Yes, I think it's rather common that we adopt maladaptive behaviors. It's as if we get so tired and fed up, that we go along for the ride. I went to some dark places, but it wasn't her fault, just me giving into demons that are best left in the attics of our minds. Don't be too hard on yourself because we don't have an obligation to be perfect. Just aspire towards the best that you can do.

Nice thought Conundrum, because this obviously applies also when a person has, for example, at least one disordered parent... .maladaptive behaviours generate maladaptive behaviours.

[SybilVane]

With me, is was REALLY common... .sometimes, he tried to justify himself , meaning the words werent *really heavy*. He could also be very cruel and say any kind of bizarre thing to humiliate me. On one hand, I simply stopped to take this personally. I just thought like 'someone has to be REAALLY sick and have a REALLY tormented mind to say such things". By the other hand, I felt very ashamed. I could never tell in details to my friends, for instance. They could never stop to ask me how I could support it.