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VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?" Parental alienation is when a parent allows a child to participate or hear them degrade the other parent. This is not uncommon in divorces and the children often adjust. In severe cases, however, it can be devastating to the child. This video provides a helpful overview.
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Author Topic: BPD ex brakes NC because she's "quite ill."  (Read 789 times)
Penumbra66
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Relationship status: Dated ex for 1.5 years; single as of July 19, 2014
Posts: 93



« on: January 08, 2016, 03:15:30 AM »

While I visit the boards several times a week, I have not posted since the summer. Here is a brief history for those of you unfamiliar with my story.

I was with my uBPD ex gf for a year and a half. The relationship was difficult, and there were problems, but no rages. I was basically happy. The relationship seemed to be going as well as ever when she started taking drugs with her college instructor, who she left me for, after weeks of push-pull, break ups/make ups, lies, broken promises, and non-stop cheating.  When she finally left me for good, she had been drinking and doing drugs every single day, and seemed like a complete and total stranger to me.

After the breakup, I eventually went NC, due to the continuing push-pull, desire for my "friendship" (while living with my replacement), drama, chaos, and horrible selfishness, cruelty, and lack of empathy.  I've never suffered a more soul destroying series of events in my life, and for quite a while I slipped into a deep, dark depression.

This past June, 10 months after leaving me, she contacted me on the same dating site where we met. She "confessed" that leaving me was a mistake, that I was the "love of her life," and that she wished, more than anything, to reconcile. Of course she was still living with my replacement, an over eduducated, unemployed depressive, just graduated with a PhD that makes employment in his field unlikely. And of course she was hoping to leave him "sooner rather than later," as long as leaving him doesn't cause his homelessness, suicide, etc, etc, etc. I maintained my skepticism, and eventually went NC again in the beginning of November, not-so nicely explaining via text my anger and frustration and asking her not to contact me.  She responded with a brief apology, and told me that everything was on hold for her (including me and our  reconciliation, apparently) because of her exhaustion and her need to finish grad school applications. After her response, I blocked her text messages, calls, etc.  I had no desire to deal with anymore of her bull___, undependability, and complete lack of integrity.

Today, on the same dating site that we met on, and the same site that she first broke NC with me again this past summer, she wrote:

"Hey. I just wanted to let you know that I am pretty ill right now and I'm sorry for everything I've put you through, in the past and recently.  I still think of you often.  I know you hate receiving these messages so I'll leave it at that.I hope you are okay."



I knew that she's been feeling ill for about a year, typically going straight to bed after a day at work, a rather difficult job in social services that she is managed to keep for over a year. I wasn't completely unsympathetic, but neither was I in a position to offer much support, since she was still living with the guy she left me for. I also have problems of my own to deal with, primarily the trauma involved in our relationship and the affect it has on me still.

Certainly she was never there for me when I was suffering from her slow devalue, cheating, and discard. She certainly never seemed to follow up on her alleged desire to reconcile in any meaningful way,  although she continually insisted that was her intent.  Now here she is again, two months post NC, fishing for some type of support and validation. 

Is it manipulation? I'm certain that it is. However, I do fear that her sickness is real, because in many of the photographs she sent to me the last few months she looked ill.  Her description of symptoms were uniform and consistent over the months we'd been chatting. But at this point, even if she is sick, what does that have to do with me? We have been apart for a year and a half now, which is as long as we were together.

I fear that if I respond, I'm in for more drama and triangulation, and another attempt to recycle.  But I also fear that if I ignore her, and she really is ill, she will become increasingly desperate to talk to me about it, and take increasingly desperate steps until I listen.  If I find out that she has a serious illness, maintaining my boundaries will be very, very difficult for me indeed.

I thought about simply responding "I'm sorry," and then explaining that I wish her the best, but there's nothing more I can really do, and blocking her on the dating site. But, as I mentioned above, I feel like one way or the other, I still haven't heard the last from her.

I've considered low contact – – very low contact – –  as well as just ignoring the whole thing. I'd like to say that I've been able to maintain some  detachment, but in the past when she's found a way to sneak a message through it always ruins my day (and usually a few days after that as well).

I'm just venting here, but if anyone would care to comment, I would certainly appreciate it.



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Schermarhorn
formerly nonya24
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 258



« Reply #1 on: January 08, 2016, 04:22:07 AM »

While I visit the boards several times a week, I have not posted since the summer. Here is a brief history for those of you unfamiliar with my story.

I was with my uBPD ex gf for a year and a half. The relationship was difficult, and there were problems, but no rages. I was basically happy. The relationship seemed to be going as well as ever when she started taking drugs with her college instructor, who she left me for, after weeks of push-pull, break ups/make ups, lies, broken promises, and non-stop cheating.  When she finally left me for good, she had been drinking and doing drugs every single day, and seemed like a complete and total stranger to me.

After the breakup, I eventually went NC, due to the continuing push-pull, desire for my "friendship" (while living with my replacement), drama, chaos, and horrible selfishness, cruelty, and lack of empathy.  I've never suffered a more soul destroying series of events in my life, and for quite a while I slipped into a deep, dark depression.

This past June, 10 months after leaving me, she contacted me on the same dating site where we met. She "confessed" that leaving me was a mistake, that I was the "love of her life," and that she wished, more than anything, to reconcile. Of course she was still living with my replacement, an over eduducated, unemployed depressive, just graduated with a PhD that makes employment in his field unlikely. And of course she was hoping to leave him "sooner rather than later," as long as leaving him doesn't cause his homelessness, suicide, etc, etc, etc. I maintained my skepticism, and eventually went NC again in the beginning of November, not-so nicely explaining via text my anger and frustration and asking her not to contact me.  She responded with a brief apology, and told me that everything was on hold for her (including me and our  reconciliation, apparently) because of her exhaustion and her need to finish grad school applications. After her response, I blocked her text messages, calls, etc.  I had no desire to deal with anymore of her bull, undependability, and complete lack of integrity.

Today, on the same dating site that we met on, and the same site that she first broke NC with me again this past summer, she wrote:

"Hey. I just wanted to let you know that I am pretty ill right now and I'm sorry for everything I've put you through, in the past and recently.  I still think of you often.  I know you hate receiving these messages so I'll leave it at that.I hope you are okay."



I knew that she's been feeling ill for about a year, typically going straight to bed after a day at work, a rather difficult job in social services that she is managed to keep for over a year. I wasn't completely unsympathetic, but neither was I in a position to offer much support, since she was still living with the guy she left me for. I also have problems of my own to deal with, primarily the trauma involved in our relationship and the affect it has on me still.

Certainly she was never there for me when I was suffering from her slow devalue, cheating, and discard. She certainly never seemed to follow up on her alleged desire to reconcile in any meaningful way,  although she continually insisted that was her intent.  Now here she is again, two months post NC, fishing for some type of support and validation. 

Is it manipulation? I'm certain that it is. However, I do fear that her sickness is real, because in many of the photographs she sent to me the last few months she looked ill.  Her description of symptoms were uniform and consistent over the months we'd been chatting. But at this point, even if she is sick, what does that have to do with me? We have been apart for a year and a half now, which is as long as we were together.

I fear that if I respond, I'm in for more drama and triangulation, and another attempt to recycle.  But I also fear that if I ignore her, and she really is ill, she will become increasingly desperate to talk to me about it, and take increasingly desperate steps until I listen.  If I find out that she has a serious illness, maintaining my boundaries will be very, very difficult for me indeed.

I thought about simply responding "I'm sorry," and then explaining that I wish her the best, but there's nothing more I can really do, and blocking her on the dating site. But, as I mentioned above, I feel like one way or the other, I still haven't heard the last from her.

I've considered low contact – – very low contact – –  as well as just ignoring the whole thing. I'd like to say that I've been able to maintain some  detachment, but in the past when she's found a way to sneak a message through it always ruins my day (and usually a few days after that as well).

I'm just venting here, but if anyone would care to comment, I would certainly appreciate it.


Personally, I would ignore it. You are over 10 months out and you admit that you still have wounds that need to be healed. Until you are certain you will not fall back into the drama and recycles, I would stay far away.

She left you are while ago. You are no longer her support system. Leave that to your replacement.
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hopealways
aka moving4ward
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 725


« Reply #2 on: January 08, 2016, 11:22:31 AM »

Hi Penumbra, her reaching out to you is based on a real desire to be with you because she is internally an alone child. The problem is that without committed therapy after a few days, weeks or months her BPD traits you mentioned will all come out again and you will be reset at zero.  Her reaching out triggers us wanting to give it one last shot but they don't magically heal just because time has passed, unfortunately.
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C.Stein
********
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 2360



« Reply #3 on: January 08, 2016, 11:59:58 AM »

Consider the possibility she has recently found out the end of her road is near and she is trying to atone for past sins.  I would think if you can determine what is really going on with her without getting too "involved" with her it will help you determine the best course of action.
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Invictus01
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 476


« Reply #4 on: January 08, 2016, 12:04:51 PM »

If you reply, you pretty much need to expect that if she is actually ill, once she isn't ill, chances are she will find somewhere to get attention. It is a pity play, cry for attention. She probably knows that if she didn't throw in the ill part, it was a 100% no response from you.

Frankly, if I hurt somebody to the degree that I needed to apologize for it every time we spoke, I probably find somebody else to talk about my illness with...
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