Yes. Because I need to detach. Just having trouble. And she doesn't want to try again. So even though I would at this point. It's so far out of the realm
Of possibility that it won't happen. So I really do need to detach
I understand how bad you're hurting and missing her. I've been there. Twice. Yes, twice. Once around the punishment tree wasn't enough for me. Being the 'never give up, never surrender' type means I got double the 'fun' of a r/s with a diagnosed, medicated, in therapy, BPD. In the end, a diagnosis, medication, and a professional she had access to practically 24/7 didn't help. At all.
My first go around with her was 4 years ago. I had no idea what I was getting into. None. I had never ever heard of BPD at that point. She threw me for a loop that took me several months of therapy to get over. You know what? I did get over it and I moved on. The first couple of months was hell, man. I wanted to see her, talk to her, anything. Did she care? Nope. She had moved on to her new plaything and there I was, stuck in an infinite loop wishing for days gone by (or is that bye for all you walking dead fans?). One day, I literally woke up and realized that she wasn't all that and I moved on. But it took time to get to that day. Oh, she had told me just before we stopped speaking all together that she was diagnosed BPD.
I didn't speak to J for 3
years after that. We worked together yet I somehow managed to completely ignore her for 3
years. A year ago, I wasn't in a good place in my marriage and (apparently) neither was she. We started talking again. I was skittish as first, but we became friends. She seemed leagues better. She told me she was medicated and had been through DBT. She said she was in a much better place and she was divorcing M because he was emotionally and physically abusive. We talked at length about that (and I had independently known he was abusive - at least emotionally). One thing led to another and we started an affair. For a year. Go back and read my postings about what this past year held for me. I'll sum it up for you:
nothing. That's exactly what I ended up with when it came to her.
This past year, she lied to me about her divorce, dated 2 other guys (when we were 'exclusive', if you will) - one of which she dated after I had separated and started my proceedings, there were a slew of other rumors about other paramours, she misled me on several different things as well, she hadn't been through DBT like she told me (during our non speaking years, I'm not even really sure if she stuck with DBT in Sept of this past year other than going a couple of times), she blamed the failing of our r/s on me (I didn't trust her, I was moody, blah blah blah). She complained about how much money she spent on me and a host of other things. She simply isn't a nice person, BPD or not. From what I've read, yours isn't either.
I told you all of that because I want you to understand that time and distance will help you. Detaching is a process, sure, it doesn't happen overnight. But there is absolutely no reason to get back involved with her. She's trying to use you, nothing more. A second go around isn't going to work. A third, fourth, or more won't either. Walk away. No, run away. It may sound like I'm being harsh, but trust me, it's for your own well being. Find closure on your own, they won't ever give it to you (trust me... .TWICE!). It will come on its own time and terms but leave her be for your own sake.
BPDs always make it seem like they have a lot going on. They don't. Neither does yours. We all have things on our plate, but they make their own the only priority. Take care of yourself. She is using you.
Sound advice.
