What aspects of yourself drew you to your BPD partner

[jujux15]

Personally it was my upbringing. My mother got cheated on by my dad multiple times but stayed with him so we could have both parents. She raised me to not be like him and treat every woman like they are special be their for them listen to them etc. So as you can guess meeting someone with BPD was as if I found someone that needed all the things my mom told me about. The rest is history. I also didn't want to be a cheater like my dad I wanted to be the best bf I could be unfortunately that caused me to put her first. I'm curious as to why everyone else stayed/chose such a partner even though we saw the flags.

[StillRecovering]

I've realized through therapy that I am a person with very high standards and am (unsuccessfully) trying to live a perfectionistic life.  However, there is also a deep hole inside of me that wants to stay in a rut or depression. 

My therapist really nailed it when she said, "The chaos of your BPDexgf's life that carried over into your relationship validated the chaos in your own life and kept you in this toxic relationship."

A tumultuous relationship filled with severe ups and downs, splitting and painting black, and wild unpredictability somehow made my life seem normal.  At first she seemed like a sexy and exciting girl, but as timed passed I realized there was something terribly wrong with her, which fed right into my own problems.

To answer your question, jujux, I didn't consciously choose this partner but rather stayed with her and kept going back to her because it felt like she filled something that was missing in my life and validated me.  These are my own issues, and they only got much worse when I got tangled up with a pwBPD. 

[jujux15]

I've realized through therapy that I am a person with very high standards and am (unsuccessfully) trying to live a perfectionistic life.  However, there is also a deep hole inside of me that wants to stay in a rut or depression. 

My therapist really nailed it when she said, "The chaos of your BPDexgf's life that carried over into your relationship validated the chaos in your own life and kept you in this toxic relationship."

A tumultuous relationship filled with severe ups and downs, splitting and painting black, and wild unpredictability somehow made my life seem normal.  At first she seemed like a sexy and exciting girl, but as timed passed I realized there was something terribly wrong with her, which fed right into my own problems.

To answer your question, jujux, I didn't consciously choose this partner but rather stayed with her and kept going back to her because it felt like she filled something that was missing in my life and validated me.  These are my own issues, and they only got much worse when I got tangled up with a pwBPD. 

That's interesting. I feel that perhaps the scariest thing about our relationship with them is realizing there is something wrong with us for staying/choosing them in the first place

[GreenEyedMonster]

I had just recovered from the breakup of a 12-year relationship when I met my BPD partner.  The relationship that had just ended had died a very slow, painful death with my partner gradually losing interest in me.  He had made it clear that he needed nothing I had to offer.  He broke up with me by saying things like that there was not one good aspect to our relationship, and that he wasn't losing anything important.  It was very invalidating, especially after that amount of time.

My BPD ex was able to keep on his mask of normalcy long enough for me to actively pursue him.  I did not pursue him because of his BPD traits; in fact, I did not know about many of them until we were already very involved.  We had more in common than you could possibly imagine for two random strangers -- we have the same job, our parents had the same jobs, we had similar pets growing up, we liked similar music, we read similar books.  We had the same hobbies and played the same musical instruments.  We had both been through broken engagements.  The compatibility there was actually very legitimate.  Because of this, I ignored the few red flags that I saw prior to the relationship.

As the relationship went on, though, he began showing more and more BPD traits, like shutting down any discussion of my feelings and getting really tense when we discussed anything that might cause me to judge him badly.  He wantonly disregarded my needs even very early on, neglecting to come to events that were important to me, failing to introduce me to his family, etc.  He was allowed to do anything he wanted, while I held myself to a high standard of meeting his needs.  I think by this point, I had a hard time seeing it for what it was because I was addicted to the validation I was missing in my earlier relationship.

I'm not codependent, however, and I was giving the relationship one more month before I bailed.  He just beat me to it.

[Confused?]

I can relate to the original post in a way. My dad travelled a lot for work so he wasn't around much. My mom raised me and I saw a lot of values in her that made a great person. When I met my ex I felt she had those same values. Hard working, faithful, people pleaser, and caring are things I thought my ex was. She was very upfront that she had a rough life but I thought it only made her stronger. Boy was I wrong.

[Michelle27]

A lot of reflection has brought me to the point of realizing that the things that were broken in me are what allowed me to get into not one but two abusive marriages.  My first was classic control with physical abuse and my 2nd was with an uBPD.  In so many ways, the first was "easier" because the abuse was predictable. Once he "blew", I knew things were going to be ok for awhile.

The things in me that caused me to get into those relationships and stay as long as I did (13 years with the first and 15 with the 2nd) are my need to feel needed, my lack of self worth and my need to put others before myself in order to feel good about myself and never, ever rock the boat.  I've traced it back to early childhood when I was taken from my biological mother due to neglect at 3 years old and adopted by my aunt and uncle who showed signs of resentment for being "stuck" with my sister and I because no one else in the family could take us as well as resentment for not being able to have their own children because they had 2 very high need children who were very young to take care of.  Then, in my early teens I was sexually assaulted in two unrelated incidents just a few months apart and my mom actually asked me out of frustration, "what are you doing to cause this to happen to you?".  I don't seriously think she thought I brought it on myself but she was embarrassed and frustrated with having to deal with the police and school officials over the incidents.  My parents were very private people.  This also led to an almost immediate weight gain as (I realize now) I tried to subconsciously make myself unattractive to make sure it didn't happen again.  The weight continued to pile on and it wasn't until I was in my mid 30's that this became clear to me, and another 5-6 years of processing it and working on it got me to begin taking care of myself and bring me to where I am now having lost 140 lbs and counting.  Interestingly, both of my ex's have moved onto overweight women, leading me to believe that they both prey on women with low self esteem as most of us with massive amounts of weight do.  I guess I thought I was "special". 

Strangely, I am actually grateful in some ways having to have gone through what I did, especially in my relationship with the one with BPD because without having gone through that, I don't think I would have dug deep like I have and worked on so many of my own insecurities, not to mention the weight loss, which has changed my life.

[once removed]

hey jujux15, great thread!

for me, it was the familiarity of past romantic relationships and my "first love". as if i was sort of looking to slay a past dragon. this colored my attraction, and its something i brought into each subsequent relationship. i think other dynamics played a role too, aspects of my personality like others describe, but when i think about how i ended up in my BPD relationship, i see a clear path i took.

i can relate to several of these examples, maybe you can too? https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a117.htm

[Invictus01]

What drew me to her was the fact that for a 25 year old woman, she really had her stuff together, well, at least professionally. I really really enjoy interacting with sharp career oriented folks and, well, that's what she is. I know many many women who are way into their 30s and aren't anywhere near where that girl is in terms of their outlook on life and where they wanna be. This one had her stuff together and I've told her that many times. I normally don't even try anything with women in their early or mid 20s, too much drama to put up with. This one... .The very first time I met her, we sat for 3 hours and talked about everything and anything and it was just bizarre how we had so much in common (mind you, she never met me before, didn't know me or anything about me). Literally 2 days before that I was on a date and I couldn't wait for it to be over, it was just painful. And this one was soo different... .Of course over the next few months I chose to ignore a few things like... .I don't know... .her hateful relationship with her mother... .her getting arrested at an airport for public intoxication... .or her in so many words admitting to cheating on her last boyfriend and getting a STD... .or her complete lack of friends... .or her being a constant victim of anything and everything around her... .her ability to be ruthless to people around her. Hey, all that didn't involve me, right, we had something so special together, none of that would ever happen to me. Haha, how very naive

[troisette]

My father, an intellectual creative, died when I was three - I perceived this as abandonment because I wasn't lovable enough. My mother expected my sister and I to nurture her, this was the start of co-dependency. Our brother, aged 13, reacting strongly to our father's death, became the male figurehead, he was cruel, sexist, unboundaried and my mother's favourite child.

So my norms were abandonment, belittling, neglect, double standards.

Luckily I did not become BPD. Unluckily my childhood made me vulnerable to those with personality disorders; always trying to hold the relationship together, the home together, the family together. And always with creative men, most of whom were intellectuals.

Looking for daddy; falling for the family patterns of gaslighting, cruelty and devaluation.

[jujux15]

hey jujux15, great thread!

for me, it was the familiarity of past romantic relationships and my "first love". as if i was sort of looking to slay a past dragon. this colored my attraction, and its something i brought into each subsequent relationship. i think other dynamics played a role too, aspects of my personality like others describe, but when i think about how i ended up in my BPD relationship, i see a clear path i took.

i can relate to several of these examples, maybe you can too? https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a117.htm

For me I was guillable, sympathetic, loyal (always talked of people leaving giving up on her)

[jujux15]

What drew me to her was the fact that for a 25 year old woman, she really had her stuff together, well, at least professionally. I really really enjoy interacting with sharp career oriented folks and, well, that's what she is. I know many many women who are way into their 30s and aren't anywhere near where that girl is in terms of their outlook on life and where they wanna be. This one had her stuff together and I've told her that many times. I normally don't even try anything with women in their early or mid 20s, too much drama to put up with. This one... .The very first time I met her, we sat for 3 hours and talked about everything and anything and it was just bizarre how we had so much in common (mind you, she never met me before, didn't know me or anything about me). Literally 2 days before that I was on a date and I couldn't wait for it to be over, it was just painful. And this one was soo different... .Of course over the next few months I chose to ignore a few things like... .I don't know... .her hateful relationship with her mother... .her getting arrested at an airport for public intoxication... .or her in so many words admitting to cheating on her last boyfriend and getting a STD... .or her complete lack of friends... .or her being a constant victim of anything and everything around her... .her ability to be ruthless to people around her. Hey, all that didn't involve me, right, we had something so special together, none of that would ever happen to me. Haha, how very naive

I can relate to the whole "I'm different" line of thinking. I honestly feel like everyone one in their life stayed for the exact reasons. When I looked back her ex was once somebody who was great but then changed and she became emotionally exhausting, I actually wonder if he had BPD as well since how he treated her is basically what I went through

[NCEA]

You should read No More Mr. Nice Guy. It might be a good book for you.

For me - Jewish mom whose little boy must be the nicest kindest bla bla bla. I've seen my parents kiss maybe once my entire life.

Personally it was my upbringing. My mother got cheated on by my dad multiple times but stayed with him so we could have both parents. She raised me to not be like him and treat every woman like they are special be their for them listen to them etc. So as you can guess meeting someone with BPD was as if I found someone that needed all the things my mom told me about. The rest is history. I also didn't want to be a cheater like my dad I wanted to be the best bf I could be unfortunately that caused me to put her first. I'm curious as to why everyone else stayed/chose such a partner even though we saw the flags.

[jujux15]

You should read No More Mr. Nice Guy. It might be a good book for you.

For me - Jewish mom whose little boy must be the nicest kindest bla bla bla. I've seen my parents kiss maybe once my entire life.

Personally it was my upbringing. My mother got cheated on by my dad multiple times but stayed with him so we could have both parents. She raised me to not be like him and treat every woman like they are special be their for them listen to them etc. So as you can guess meeting someone with BPD was as if I found someone that needed all the things my mom told me about. The rest is history. I also didn't want to be a cheater like my dad I wanted to be the best bf I could be unfortunately that caused me to put her first. I'm curious as to why everyone else stayed/chose such a partner even though we saw the flags.

Hmm I'll check it out