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BPDFamily.com
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Relationship Partner with BPD (Straight and LGBT+)
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Romantic Relationship | Bettering a Relationship or Reversing a Breakup
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Validation Check
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Topic: Validation Check (Read 419 times)
martillo
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Gender:
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: married 28 yrs; staying for now
Posts: 172
Validation Check
«
on:
January 15, 2016, 10:47:47 AM »
I want to run this text exchange by the wise folks here to see if it is validating or unvalidating.
Back story: UBPDh, active alcoholic has been staying at our vacation home for the past 2 weeks – angry with me. We have a business together so see each other most days of the week.
H is in silent treatment mode - silent treatment from him is not really silent – it involves being super kind to everyone around us and either ignoring me; only griping or complaining to or about me; asking someone else for something that I will need to put together for him at work (which I end up doing and giving to him anyway); muttering statements under his breath that are digs at me which I can’t really hear so I ignore like it wasn’t even said. I do my best to ignore the angry, pointless statements, respond to the work requests as needed, and must confess that I am not greeting or initiating any conversation other than as needed for work – sounds like tons of fun, doesn’t it?
So yesterday afternoon, H called me on my cell to share a bit of positive work news and I could hear in his voice that he was already drinking, so I woo-hooed the good news and we disconnected on good terms.
H always wants to have deep, meaningful relationship “talks” when he is drinking. These never go well and I am working on minimizing talk time about “us” when he drinks. So last night we had the text exchange below.
H: “You have no idea how much I love you. Very stressful right now. But still do not want it to end. Call if you feel the same.”
Me: “You are my husband. I love you with all my heart. Tonight is probably not a good time to talk because you have been drinking. That makes it difficult to communicate. You will always be my husband and I will always love you. Lets talk in the morning.”
H: “Nope just playing cards with DS23. Never mind I’m done.”
H: “You must be thinking of someone else.”
H: “No reason to call.”
I did not respond after my initial text and this morning the silent, angry treatment continues.
I know that addiction behavior will never be rational, but wanted to see if I am on the right communication track – in the past when H begins, I have always tried to converse in a thoughtful, logical way because I don’t want to be “cold and distant” (one of my endearing qualities per H) but it always ends poorly and I end up not communicating thoughtfully or logically .
I want to communicate in a caring way, but also be able to detach before it escalates. Was my text invalidating?
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