Ok. Maybe writing more tonight will help. The ending. .

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hi again

As stated in prior post I tend to be wordy.  So I'll work on that.  For anyone this might help I will try to show you a timeline of the end. This took place over a 12 day period.

7.5 weeks ago. dBPD ex gf. She is 14 years younger.  Severe depression.  Hospitalized for cutting prior. Takes mood stabilizers.  Admitted to being diagnosed BPD the first week of us dating but said she was cured through dbt. Very intelligent.  College graduate. Good job. Very giving and kind. No kids. Quiet.  Complete opposites in every way

Had sex on first date. Dated 7 months. She never turned me down ever. Had sex almost every day during entire relationship. Never argued about it. Was not wild like my npd ex but she was such a good person I didn't care.  Very affectionate and loving.  Always. 

She had started to become less patient.  Rather than rage or yell she acted in. Hang up or shut down for a bit but I could pull her out of it by just waiting 20 minutes and calling back etc.

30 days prior to break up period She was upset I wouldn't take her visiting parents out for a 2nd consecutive day. I had been in pain and she didn't either care or believe me. We texted all day apart and said we would break up. I was becoming frustrated with her always down or sleeping . Then she texts me that she doesn't want to break up.

I say ok. She lIves with me after 5 months so when she gets home that night we have another argument.  It gets heated which is rare.  At one point she called me an a hole and all I could think was how can I make her want to leave?  So I call her a name.  I think the w word. And she is standing like 10 feet away.  We have been saying we should just break up and yelling during the argument. She was getting ready to sleep in the bedroom.  I had already gotten pillows and a blanket and was on the couch. When I called her a name I think I shocked us both.  I felt horrible.  I figured she would HATE me. What did she do? She looked at me and came and laid down right next to me and I put my arm around her and she went to sleep.  Nothing more said.  Yelling at this girl would be like kicking a puppy.

Day 1. Fast forward a month . Friday afternoon.  My weekend with kids. She tells me she doesn't want to be around my one daughter.  My 7 year old is a handful.  I told her that these are my kids and what is wrong with you?  They love you! ! She doesn't care. I said why don't you just move out then? There is no point in you staying if you feel this way. I got mad and told her to start looking for a place. THIS is when I think I triggered her abandonment.  Not sure.  She threatens me. She implied something like she might LIE to someone to get me in trouble if I kick her out. After what my ex did with false accusations I told her that I was done with her and I can't believe you are saying this.  We didn't speak again that night. She was home later. I got my kids. She hid in the bedroom. 

Day 2 Saturday made a peace offering.  Told her I was going to take my daughters shopping.  Offered her to go. She came.  She has shopping addiction.  The day was pleasant . Mostly.  We go to leave and I see on her phone alerts Going off for a dating site. Okc. I was like wow.  She's texting guys. We go home.  Talk. She starts crying about her medicines and not doing well again.  I hug her. I think she just got mad and things will be fine. Figured she would turn dating app off.

Day 3 Sunday.  Woke up. Still upset about the implied threat from Friday.  I'm on probation for misuse of telephone for texting too much with ex after our breakup.  Never been in trouble in my prior 44 years. Ever. Didn't even know it was a crime to text argue.  I only pleaded to it on advice from attorney.  Another whole story.  Probation officer says I should have fought it... .

Regardless this is still in my mind. There is tension  . She states she is going to cook bacon in the oven.  I told her please don't.  I dint want grease to be spraying everywhere as I heard it might cause a fire. Maybe I was wrong.  I told her no. That pissed her off.  At this point I'm thinking that I can't take any chances and maybe it's better if she and I split up.  If you have been in a courtroom facing charges you will know why I am thinking this way at the first sign of trouble

I asked her at one point if I'm going to have any trouble with you moving out or do I need to get the police.  I think in retrospect a poor thing to say.  But I genuinely didn't know as she threatened something vague 2 days prior. She says she has nowhere to go. I tell her there are plenty of places. 

Keep in mind I don't want her to go. But now I feel like a line has been crossed bc I'm on probation.  She KNOWS this.  We have never had any physical fights and we are Always affectionate.  We barely ever raise our voices. But I can see she is getting more and more upset.

It blows over.  She sleeps alot of the day next to me.  She offers sex If I come to her.  I decline. We go to bed

I'll continue below. ... .

[jessedsickabouther]

Hi again

As stated in prior post I tend to be wordy.  So I'll work on that.  For anyone this might help I will try to show you a timeline of the end. This took place over a 12 day period.

7.5 weeks ago. dBPD ex gf. She is 14 years younger.  Severe depression.  Hospitalized for cutting prior. Takes mood stabilizers.  Admitted to being diagnosed BPD the first week of us dating but said she was cured through dbt. Very intelligent.  College graduate. Good job. Very giving and kind. No kids. Quiet.  Complete opposites in every way

Had sex on first date. Dated 7 months. She never turned me down ever. Had sex almost every day during entire relationship. Never argued about it. Was not wild like my npd ex but she was such a good person I didn't care.  Very affectionate and loving.  Always. 

She had started to become less patient.  Rather than rage or yell she acted in. Hang up or shut down for a bit but I could pull her out of it by just waiting 20 minutes and calling back etc.

30 days prior to break up period She was upset I wouldn't take her visiting parents out for a 2nd consecutive day. I had been in pain and she didn't either care or believe me. We texted all day apart and said we would break up. I was becoming frustrated with her always down or sleeping . Then she texts me that she doesn't want to break up.

I say ok. She lIves with me after 5 months so when she gets home that night we have another argument.  It gets heated which is rare.  At one point she called me an a hole and all I could think was how can I make her want to leave?  So I call her a name.  I think the w word. And she is standing like 10 feet away.  We have been saying we should just break up and yelling during the argument. She was getting ready to sleep in the bedroom.  I had already gotten pillows and a blanket and was on the couch. When I called her a name I think I shocked us both.  I felt horrible.  I figured she would HATE me. What did she do? She looked at me and came and laid down right next to me and I put my arm around her and she went to sleep.  Nothing more said.  Yelling at this girl would be like kicking a puppy.

Day 1. Fast forward a month . Friday afternoon.  My weekend with kids. She tells me she doesn't want to be around my one daughter.  My 7 year old is a handful.  I told her that these are my kids and what is wrong with you?  They love you! ! She doesn't care. I said why don't you just move out then? There is no point in you staying if you feel this way. I got mad and told her to start looking for a place. THIS is when I think I triggered her abandonment.  Not sure.  She threatens me. She implied something like she might LIE to someone to get me in trouble if I kick her out. After what my ex did with false accusations I told her that I was done with her and I can't believe you are saying this.  We didn't speak again that night. She was home later. I got my kids. She hid in the bedroom. 

Day 2 Saturday made a peace offering.  Told her I was going to take my daughters shopping.  Offered her to go. She came.  She has shopping addiction.  The day was pleasant . Mostly.  We go to leave and I see on her phone alerts Going off for a dating site. Okc. I was like wow.  She's texting guys. We go home.  Talk. She starts crying about her medicines and not doing well again.  I hug her. I think she just got mad and things will be fine. Figured she would turn dating app off.

Day 3 Sunday.  Woke up. Still upset about the implied threat from Friday.  I'm on probation for misuse of telephone for texting too much with ex after our breakup.  Never been in trouble in my prior 44 years. Ever. Didn't even know it was a crime to text argue.  I only pleaded to it on advice from attorney.  Another whole story.  Probation officer says I should have fought it... .

Regardless this is still in my mind. There is tension  . She states she is going to cook bacon in the oven.  I told her please don't.  I dint want grease to be spraying everywhere as I heard it might cause a fire. Maybe I was wrong.  I told her no. That pissed her off.  At this point I'm thinking that I can't take any chances and maybe it's better if she and I split up.  If you have been in a courtroom facing charges you will know why I am thinking this way at the first sign of trouble

I asked her at one point if I'm going to have any trouble with you moving out or do I need to get the police.  I think in retrospect a poor thing to say.  But I genuinely didn't know as she threatened something vague 2 days prior. She says she has nowhere to go. I tell her there are plenty of places. 

Keep in mind I don't want her to go. But now I feel like a line has been crossed bc I'm on probation.  She KNOWS this.  We have never had any physical fights and we are Always affectionate.  We barely ever raise our voices. But I can see she is getting more and more upset.

It blows over.  She sleeps alot of the day next to me.  She offers sex If I come to her.  I decline. We go to bed

I'll continue below. ... .

[jessedsickabouther]

Day 4

Monday.

We go to work. Separately.  She texts me a few times.  I dont reply.  Then I get a text that she feels like cutting again.  She has NEVER said this.  I tell her I will come and get her and ask if she wants to go to hospital.  She says no. I tell her I will cook her dinner and do a bunch of things she likes and cuddle with her that night. And I keep checking on her. She says ok.  As the day goes on she seems better. Right before she leaves work she tells me don't worry about dinner.  She says her girlfriend is going to cook for her. And don't worry about her. I said ok. She stops texting for 4 hours. Which is actually odd for her.  I get home late from work.  Not home.  She goes to bed at like 9 so it's odd no contact. I pick up her ipad.  I know it's wrong but I'm suspicious.  There is a text from her coworker asking if she can do something for her that night.  Keep in mind the ipad duplicated her iPhone in real time. She says she can't do it because she is OUT to dinner.  Well her girlfriend had a 3 day old baby and a c sexton so I knew that wasn't true.  I call her.  I ask where she was. She says the girlfriends house.  So I said so if I tell you I passed her house on my way home and your car wasn't there what would u say? By the way because of my work I literally DO drive right by this house some evenings.

And she knows this.  And what do u know she just admits she cheated.  Out with everything. . Didn't try to hide it. I dint get angry. I says ok. I'll talk to u at home. She comes home and I can't look at her.  I tell her she needs to leave.  She says where am i gonna go. I said not my problem. .get a hotel. She does. No more talk that night

Day 5. I see her the next day.  After work.  Nothing eventful.  She starts looking for apts.  I dont want to break up. I'm in shock. I think she might be regretting what she does. I tell her she needs help. She agrees . She sets up therapy appt for next day. 

Day 6. She is kind of distant.  Asks if I'll come to therapy appt. I say yes. For support. Not to participate. I sit for 2 hours . I hug her. As we are leaving I tell her bye. She doesn't seem to want me to go. We took separate cars. She is headed back to hotel. I'm barely speaking to her. I said if u need me text me and I'll come over. 2 hours go by and she says I can come over.  I do.  But she is distant.  Doesn't want to be touched.  I can tell she doesn't seem to care about me like she did.  Just then a fire breaks out in hotel.  I tell her let's just go home.  She agrees.  She sleeps on couch.

Day 7. Thursday.  She tells me she found a place.  I tell her to just slow down and not move. She says she has decided.  It's over.  I tell her to go to therapy with me. She wont.  She turns down sex. Only time ever.  I tell her I'll stay out of her way.  Let her move. 

Day 8 Friday she doesn't come home.  Says she is moving tomorrow.  Idk where she spends the night.

Day 9 Saturday.  She moves half her stuff. I don't see her as I told her I won't see her anymore. 

Day 10 Sunday.  She gets the rest out. Again I am not there. I come home to empty apt. I cry. The reality hits me. Everything is gone. Nothing worse for a guy than when all the girly things are gone and the woman you love isn't there anymore.  She keeps texting me.  I ignore all texts. She sent a blank text the night before. I ignore it. She later says she did it because she missed me and didn't know what to say.  Since I won't answer her texts she shows up at 6 pm Sunday night unannounced.  Tells me she loves me but not IN love.  I open up to her about my whole life.  We talk for hours.  I cry alot.  She has never seen me cry.

We hug. She begs for friendship.  I tell her no way.  I love her too much for that. ...

Cont

[jessedsickabouther]

So she leaves. I tell her that I had wanted to marry her but don't know what's been wrong lately.  She tells me she has been treating me so badly lately.  She doesn't know what is wrong.  We discuss BPD but she says it's not that.  That she isn't running away this time but she just isn't in love.  Again this girl hung on me and we were planning many things just a week prior.  Moving into bigger place.  Buying a car together.

So she doesn't want to leave but she isn't willing to do anything else. I tell her goodbye and don't contact me. We finalize all other matters right then so we don't have to speak again.  I tell her I won't reply anymore if she leaves.  She starts texting again right after she leaves. She says if you are going to talk to a girl about marriage you should not do it in a text. ?

Next day.  Monday . Text her at work.  No reply.  I give up. Decide to start nc as I told her. 

Tuesday  . She texts me.  I ignore her

Wednesday  . Texts again about something we resolved.  I ignore her. Trivial matter related to some 5 dollar item of mine I told her to trash.

Thursday.  Thanksgiving.  She texts me again about some silly matter.  I finally get frustrated and tell her to stop. That she made her choice.  And that she can throw away anything she finds. ... she texts Back... I miss u. I say " A, what should I do about that? "

She says she wants to see me. Begs me to come.  I have my kids but I sneak over to see her for an hour or 2. My oldest bavysits.  We have sex.  During sex I ask her if she slept with the guy. She says yes. Prior to this I think it maybe was only a dinner date and a kiss.  I stop. Try to leave.  I dont raise my voice.  Just say wow. 

She doesn't want me to go. I leave.  She calls me. Says he broke it off. Maybe he had common sense.  She minimizes his size and stamina to make me feel better. Tells me she wants to be here for me and work it out. Pleads I go to counseling with her. 

Friday. See her again.  More sex. Spend the night

Saturday.  She is changing again.  Says she isn't feeling it. That when she was in love with a married man 7 year ago she was so SURE it was love. ... yeah bc he didn't trigger her. He wouldn't leave his wife. She wants to be friends.  She puts her dating app back on. We were headed to dinner and the app goes off . I'm getting pissed at this point.  I've had enough  . She turns it off.  We eat.  We go home. She holdS me like she is a boa constrictor all night long . Sex 3 times.  Won't let me go.

Sunday.  Wake up in bed.  Wants to go to breakfast.  But doesn't want to be together anymore.  I don't want to go... she cries and cries and cries. Says because it's over not bc she made a mistake but won't let me go. I try to leave.  But I can't.  I take her to breakfast.  By the way the girl pays for more than I do.  She never cared about money.  In fact when she left my apt the day she moved out she left cash on my pillow for me and my kids . $300.

She gets sick at breakfast.  I'm starting to realize I'm triggering her. I take care of her all day. In bed.  Watch football and hold her. ...

Cont... .

[jessedsickabouther]

So last page. ... I'm trying to show you how her mind was working each day if it helps anyone

Sunday night we go to bed. Again she is the boa constrictor.  She calls me "berry" as a nickname.  Called me it all night.  No sex. Because she had been sick... I didn't try. Even though she decides that this is the last night we will see each other

Monday 530 am. I get up for work and hug her goodbye and leave without any scene.  I've had enough emotional stress at this point. She is losing it... .

Done see her Monday.  We text about some sort of fwb arrangement. Not sure about this.  I'm now debating having something vs nothing.  But not what I want

Tuesday.  Don't see her.  She still wants my friendship. 

Wednesday night . I text her after work angry.  I'm angry that she has strung me along.  I send angry texts and she tells me that " she was on her way over to surprise me and that she was all in and that I always told her actions speak louder than words" . She shows up.  I think that she has FINALLY seen the light.  I get her dinner. We go shopping for groceries.  She throws up on floor.  I lay in bed with her

Thursday.  Wake up. She IS Completely Different PERZON again. Cold distant. Has sex but not loving. I can see in her eyes she is gone so I say "so u want to just meet for sex 3 days a week? " I'm joking.  She says 2. I say 3 because I think she is teasing. But she seriously INSISTS on 2. Then I'm not joking . I'm getting upset.  She starts crying again.  Doesn't know what she wants . Says she needs 24 hours.

2 hours go by. I'm worn down.  I tell her via text that I'll just be her friend.  That that is what's most important.  That I love her.  I offer to bring her lunch. She accepts. This will be the last time I've ever seen her.  Dec 3. I hug her.  She texts thank u for food. Doesn't speak to me again that day

Friday.  Sends me goodbye text.  Says we need to let each other go. It's best. Sorry.  You are a great guy. Great dad.  Blah blah.  I start laying into her about how I let her dump me 10 days ago and left her alone.  And now she haS emotionally abused me since.  Only to dump me again.  I rip her apart.  She doesn't care

I try to call her.  Deadness in her voice. Nothing.  I hang up.  I am so mad I turn on my old dating profile.  On pof. And who do I see right away with a brand new recent pic? ?

Yeah.  This sick person trying to cut herself and proclaim her love for me and being all in 48 hours ago is dumping me and looking for guys immediately. I lose it

I text her that she is a worthless cheating c word. Yes that was mean but any girl I've asked said that they 3iuid deserve it if they did what she did.  She tells me I'm blocked.  And she haS never tried to contact me again in 6 weeks.

Without getting into it. 6 days later I left an apology on her car for the c word and said I'm sorry what you go through with depression and BPD. That I hope u find whats makes u happy. Love you. No reply.

A week later I found all the texts she was sending the guy on my kindle.  She knew him like 3 days and was talking about cuddling watching Disney movies.  It almost made me vomit. He seemed to be cautious about her having a recent break up. She told him it's been over for a long time.  This was the day before Thanksgiving it turned out.  The night she screwed him. I had to read about her talking about their make out session in the car. It was so gut wrenching

I called her out on this text exchange.  I plead my case. Waste of time. She sends Back the following final text

"At this point all we need to discuss is the car and the phone via email so we can move forward .  That's it. "

I sent back one final text  "A, I am heartbroken.  I will do as you wish.  Have a good life. Love you always "

That's it. No further contact . 31 days NC . No one has tried.  Christmas came. Her birthday came. Didn't contact her.

The only thing that has happened since Is this.  I signed up for a reward card when we were dating.  You get points for gas and shopping etc. And you can redeem the points for cash. I gave her the extra card back in july.  On Monday after 6 weeks she used my card to redeem all the points.  So I got an email stating so. And never used the points prior. She doesn't care about the money  . The value was under 10 bucks.  Just found it odd...

The funny thing is she really was a great gf for the most part.  I think I messed up way more than her.  I will never reach out.  The phone I use is in her name.  But I pay it. She hasn't asked for it back.  We joint own a car that I drive and pay for. So at some point that has to be dealt with. 

Idk If this has helped anyone but since she was diagnosed BPD and meets 8 of the 9 criteria I wanted to give a glimpse of how the ending unfolded


Yes I am aware I made several mistakes and I saw many red flags.  You think you are in love and you jump in too fast.  I truly don't think I'll hear from her again.  And it's clear from all the posts that it just doesn't work out . I have noticed that each day it gets easier . But you do miss them so damn much at times.  Hard to let go sometimes.  Very hard

[once removed]

hey jsah 

thanks for sharing your story, i hope getting it all down and out gave you some perspective as well as some relief. it helps to talk .

how are you doing today, and where do you intend to go from here?

[jessedsickabouther]

She has not reached out to me at all In over 7 weeks. I have been dead silent at her request since Dec 16. 2 weeks ago I got an email from a third party company telling me thank you for redeeming points. This was an account that was in my name only but I gave her a secondary card last summer when I signed up for this program so after not speaking to me for a month she just decides to redeem these points on my card rather than set up her own account so it could mean nothing I have no idea. It's not like I can reach out to someone that told me to leave them alone

I mean yes I would like to hear any opinions that someone might have based on the last 10 days of interactions because I wouldn't know what to say if she ever did contact me at this point but I get the feeling that she never is going to

I still think about her all day everyday but don't know what else I can do I have a box of her board games and like three pairs of her dress you that she left behind a bag of her change you know like coins that she left from me that I don't want and a few other things in a box but I'm hesitant to even mail the box

I guess maybe anybody that has any thoughts I would love to hear them I'm at a complete loss

[jessedsickabouther]

The last Wednesday I saw her I was getting so frustrated that she was promising one thing and not delivering that I told her I was just done.  Via a text exchange. Her reply was that she didn't want it to be and her words were that the "embers were still burning ". Then she showed up. Spent the night  . By Friday she didn't want any more contact and said goodbye.  And other than me reaching out briefly to tell her how upset I was that I found her text exchange to a new guy we have not talked. 

[kc sunshine]

This was difficult to read because it resonated with me so much, both in terms of time frame and also in terms of the ambivalence on both ends.

My ex and I were in a similarly difficult spot of the relationship spiraling down/out of control (the AA phrase came to my mind "my life has become unmanageable". She had broken up with me but still very much attached, and we saw each other all the time. Because of the breakup, I was ambivalent-- still very much in it, but putting up more boundaries (seeing friends, not texting back right away, etc) that were making her more and more mad and triggering her. She started actively looking for other people and eventually found someone (when we were out together at a concert-- ouch). Once she did this, it was more or less over. Replaced/discarded. It's a powerful and effective coping/defensive mechanism, and I suppose it is good they have it, but man oh man is it brutal.

Sending you love. 

[jessedsickabouther]

Thank you for replying

Each and every day that I get up I spend all day going back and forth on what I could say or would say if given the opportunity and in seven weeks I still have no clue. I don't think it would ever get better even if she did just show up or called. She never raged at me and she did so much for me that I can't even be angry at her. But at the same time I wouldn't have any clue what to say to her. For example if she texted me I could offer her her belongings back I could tell her that she's welcome to sleep on the couch if she wants to come over I could tell her that I just asked that she turned her phone off because I know that she probably has 50 guys texting her on some dating app and I don't really want to deal with that . I was supportive when she wanted to go to a therapist . I told her that I would always love her and let her go as she basically requested

Such a big part of me wants to just never say another word even if she did reach out. It seems like nothing means anything when she says it because she doesn't follow through so what are you supposed to say to someone in a situation like this.

Yeah each and every morning I would love to put my arms around her and kiss her head and just hold her knowing full well that it would just break my heart forever. Based on all the thousands of postings on here I don't think it never ends the way we want it to. I am 45 years old and I just wanted someone to spend the last 20 to 25 years with . I don't want to deal with drama which our relationship was compared to most others on here relatively drama free.

Listen I could go down the list of what went wrong and I dare say that she was probably right about a lot of things and I probably wasn't as good a boyfriend as she was a girlfriend in terms of being so giving but when she kept walking out so many times in the first month or two I just started pulling away and not wanting to put in the effort. I would have to chase her down and tell her we are good together and even if I offer just friendship during one occasion that she left me for a day she turns it into something more

I tried everything I could in the beginning to do things the right way because my ex BPD nearly ended me up in jail with her lies and I was still traumatized from this when I met her. I told her that since she just moved to the area to just date around and not rush into anything and get to know me but she wanted sex the first night she wanted to meet my kids right away she pushed for things and said stuff like if you don't want to use a condom then we have to be in a commitment

I held back and held back as much as possible. She then stopped pushing me away she cosigned for a car for me so I still have to deal with that at some point as we are both on the title. Then she got me a phone under her name which I don't even really need any more but if I send it back to her she is going to be the one that has to pay the monthly bill and I don't want to screw her over.

It's one of those things where it seems like there is no possible good outcome. I've never done drugs I've never been a drinker I stay out of trouble and I can't even put into words the depth of loss that I feel at times which must be an addiction but I wouldn't know because I never had any of these addictions. People like us seem to be chastised for being people pleasers or trying to help someone that is struggling with depression or mood disorders but if someone like us doesn't date them then they would never have anyone to date I guess.

I'm sure that sounds ridiculous but the point is that men are taught to care for women and it is in our nature to take care of women as best as possible. Nowadays women don't really seem to need us anymore so it's hard to know your place.

Everyday I search for just one story somewhere on the internet where the guy got the girl back and she realized that she made a mistake and she really really worked hard to get better and stuck it out but I don't find the stories I can't find one anywhere.

And the biggest things for me at this point is to realize that it would just be my ego talking to think I would be the one to have a different ending than all of you people. And I'm just not that naive anymore. So I sit here with a box of her stuff scared that if I send it that she will reply and scared that she won't reply because I don't have an answer or any idea what to say if she did and I just be more heartbroken if she didn't so there are no good answers.

When I dated the ex BPD she was horrible to me I could tell you stories that will blow your mind but then again probably not on this website because I'm sure we've heard them before but this girl was just the complete opposite I checked all the boxes that were important to me before I proceeded. She even told me that she had BPD but I thought she was such a good person that it would be fine. She had a good relationship with her parents she had a college degree and a good job in IT she was nice to my kids she took care of anything that I needed for a while she never yelled at me she was never abusive physically although the emotional abuse started in the first or second week with her going back and forth on her feelings but all the things I was worried about and watching for never surfaced and she just seemed like she loved me so much.

Anyway this latest thing where she used my reward card to get money reduce from her bill started my thought process all over again. Was she trying to get my attention or is she angry at me or was it just a complete innocent accident. And then the ruminating starts again. Honestly it is a living hell. At the age of 41 my ex wife left. We went through a hellish divorce due to having 4 children after 14 years . Then it took me 2 years to recover from that and I meet my psycho BPD ex and I think I have found the woman of my dreams only two see that quickly unravel as she beat my ass physically and mentally and then try to get me thrown in jail for something I never did. I take 6 months away from that and then I meet this girl that I'm still clearly in love with and she cheats and leaves only to promise me the world a few days later and then disappear again and I honestly don't know how much more of this I can take.

Women don't seem to understand that guys really want to be monogamous and have a good relationship or see how much we do adore you but after all of this stuff why would I want anything other than a physical relationship with a woman? I can't have a baby with one because the laws are so messed up I don't want to marry one because the laws are so messed up. I don't trust anyone anymore. It's not that you can just move on because from now on you always are going to think that even with a new person that they could be fooling you for years and then you just hate yourself that you took a chance and got burned again.

I'm not suicidal I've never hurt myself but I have to tell you that if it was not for my children especially my little girls I really wouldn't care if I disappeared from this earth.

Something is seriously wrong with the mental health in this country with all the broken families the prescription pills the abuse the sex abuse and everybody just doing whatever the hell they want to do without consequence and I guess I just don't fit in at my age.

I'm probably rambling but I don't know what else to say or do and I live in constant fear of having to have a reply if she does contact me. If she wants her phone back I have to answer her because its in her name. If she wants to deal with the car I have to answer her because its in her name. And I'm sure most of you know but when they show up and they look sad you try to walk away from them especially if they never treated you bad if she starts crying I will fold like a cheap tent in a hurricane.

I guess my best hope is that another 6 months goes by and I somehow he also that if she contacts at that point I can have some definite direction that I would stick to.

I read all of your post guys and I wish I could give you all a big man hug I'm not excluding the women that I see suffering on here as well but I guess I just relate more to the men. It seems like a lot of BPD men come back because they're always trying to get laid but BPD women don't need to come back for that reason. It's funny because even the last few days she always said to me that intimacy was never our problem and she was half right because we never had an issue with sex even one time she never turn me down she initiated as much as I did and even though it was nothing wild and crazy it felt like genuine love and intimacy to me most of the time but the funny part is that she doesn't even understand when she says intimacy was never our problem that intimacy is way more than sex and I can't even explain that to her. She is great with cuddling and sex but I can tell that getting close just scares her and she doesn't relate to what I'm saying.

They sure have a way of making life seem not worth living and I know that that's an issue with me and not really her problem but when we count on them so much and they are such a part of our lives and then disappear it really really cuts right to the core of who you are.

I love you A***** but I dont even know who you are. I hope you find peace daffodil . (Pet name)

[jessedsickabouther]

BTW she help me out with the car and the phone due to the fact that I had to go through bankruptcy from divorce and my ex wife refusing to pay any of the credit cards or bills so she was trying to be nice to keep my interest rate low and not have to make me pay any deposit

Although I will say that this was a mistake to do only 2 months into a relationship and I should have known better but she just made it seem like she was so committed that I figured it was fine I offered to give her money since she was saving me so much money with a much lower interest rate which I did for a while.

I think I've learned that you just have to take care of yourself and just not get yourself tied up with another person legally or financially for a very long time and honestly probably not emotionally either. All that Disney and chemistry and bachelorette stuff just seems like crap to me. I can go out on a date and be charming and if you think that's love in a week ... .well let's just say that seems crazy.

They teach us the wrong stuff in school because honestly this is the stuff that we need to be learning things related to money and love are probably the most important and I guess we're just not very healthy as a society. Let's be honest person if there are so many of us on here being told that there something wrong with us maybe there's really nothing wrong with us and this is the way people are and you can say codependent if you want but there is something wrong with everyone and I don't think it's wrong to try to be there and be supportive of someone is asking you for help or seems in distress and if it was so wrong to be the way that we are then how come they can find someone the very next day he will also provide this exact same service because there is no shortage of people willing to take care of another person.

[once removed]

belongings being left behind is a common dynamic in a lot of our stories, including mine. i spent two or three months trying to arrange an exchange that was never going to happen. that just kept me stuck and feeling in limbo, waiting for another shoe to drop. it is difficult, in some cases even impossible, to arrange the exchange of belongings left behind because the exchange or even the prospect of it triggers the sense of abandonment. dont count on her to retrieve them or to be able to arrange it. if you have the means to return them, go for it. one option is to rent a storage space, pay for a months time, put the things in storage, notify her, and then its up to her if she wants to retrieve them.

there is nothing inherently "bad" about care taking qualities. the medical and psychology world are full of them. im a nurturing person and i do best with a partner that is similar. the problem is when care taking comes at a loss of ourselves, or when we are deriving our self worth from these acts. thats where one dips into codependency.

on the reward card: its fishy. did you incur a loss?

[C.Stein]

waiting for another shoe to drop

It is amazing how many shoes there are ... . 

[jessedsickabouther]

It's weird bc I don't think she left them on purpose.  I have no clue although it was odd to find 3 pairs of shoes in a bottom of a box in the closet since she kept all her shoes in a shoe rack.  But she certainly is not trying to retrieve them in over a month and a half.  We returned most items in early December.  

I was not ever putting her over me. In fact she claimed that I didn't do enough.  She was searching for the butterflies and me and her best,and really only,friend both told her that we don't believe in that. But she seem to want to go and find that but she asked me if she could come back if she changed her mind before she split me black apparently. I said no


But she wanted to chase it. Her longest "relationship " was 7 months to a married man that never left for her. She pined for years for the guy.  I wanted to explain so bad that had he been available that you would have had the same thing happen. She was open about BPD and having been diagnosed so I could bring it up and she would at least listen.

I wanted to tell her that she has been stuck in that fantasy because in her mind it never got resolved because she could never have him but you try to tell any woman or anyone that thinks that they are truly in love that it wasn't real and its pointless and quite frankly maybe she was in some sort of love with the guy and had a connection

It's funny because she's now 31 with no kids and no serious relationships I think ours was the longest ever at 7 months. So she wants to meet my kids and be involved with them and then one day it was like she didn't want it anymore

In fact that the break up she told me that I already have a family and I was trying to tell her that she was now my family but there was no talking to her

I'm telling you right now that these people have a script and they refine it and they perfect it and they get better at it. It's like each person is an opportunity to get better at manipulation she knew exactly what to say

I'll give you an example when we met she wanted to try this online recipe company that ships you the ingredients and the instructions and you cook all of the food together so we tried it and we made like seven of the recipes and even though the food was good it took a very long time to make and wasn't worth the money

Post breakup I find the text exchange on my kindle with the next guy and she is trying to sell him on this company and do the same thing with him

She had gone on one date with the guy at this point and she was telling him how he gave her butterflies and how maybe he would be lucky and she would sing for him on their fifth date. She was asking him to cuddle and watch Disney movies in the seven months I knew her she never even use the word Disney once so clearly he must of said something on the date and she was adapting to whatever he wanted

I was reading this and thinking how could you be so disconnected from me that you're writing all of this stuff and you want someone else to cuddle with you that you don't even know ?

I don't understand how people just think it's normal to take your clothes off and have sex all the time.

According to her he broke things off with her and that's why she reached out to me for a couple days I think but she was still on the site looking for new people so yeah they can't be alone for a minute

They will say or do anything that they have to in the moment she did tell me one time that when I'm not there and she's at work she doesn't know if I even exist or something to that effect so when she told me that I jokingly texted her more that day telling her I was thinking about her but I don't think she thought it was funny.

Right before she moved here she said that she had DBT therapy and her words were that she was cured and does not have it anymore. But again once you get close to them and I guess once I had her move in that freaked her out but once you get close to them then you can see the triggering start to take place she would become more and more depressed and keep changing her medicines all the time and then she finally came to the conclusion that it was basically my fault that she's not doing well and I guess technically it is

So what a kick in the ass this disease or disorder is because instead of being happy that we're getting closer and making progress all she feels is pain . You can't explain this to them you can't rationalize with them and I save them because I've dated more than a couple.

When I was 23 I dated a 19 year old asian girl and we had an amazing summer romance and then she left for school for 3 months on a program called Semester at Sea when she got back we got back together for about 6 weeks and then she broke it off 3 months later she was coming home again for the summer and called me the last day of school and we got back together again for the entire summer we got together and broke up and thought like five separate times but I was young and had never heard of BPD finally after a very upsetting New Years I believe in 1996 I finally walked away for good and sad 5x is enough for me

Over the last 20 years she has not exited my life she insisted that she was in friends with all her exes and just wore me down over time mostly because I had another girlfriend at the time and it didnt bother me to be her friend at that point but we have stayed in touch for 20 years and last summer I asked her about BPD and she told me she was diagnosed with it and all of it made sense

She used to tell me she never felt close to people she drank all the time she smokes all the time but eventually a really nice guy wanted to marry her she tried to talk him out of it saying that you don't know what you're getting yourself into but she's never worked in the last 20 years at least 15 and he makes really good money and he manages her and I think she sees him like a best friend but she has a fairly decent relationship with him

So I'm sure that it is possible I mean he is very quiet and patient and I think that that helps a lot. So yes I do think you can be friends with an X as long as they are not physically abusive or mentally abusive but I think there has to be a lot of distance and you both have to have moved on.

I just wish that there was some way to tell them that you just want to speak and you're not mad and you want to listen to what they have to say

Mine cheated she lied she broke promises and she probably thinks even if I wanted to talk to him he is going to be angry I know she's mad that I called her the C word but a normal girl would not be mad if you call her the C word after she cheated on you a normal person would expect that at the very minimum.

If I have this correctly you cheated you lied then you asked me to work on things after you move out promise me the moon the stars and the sky and that you are all in and then 24 hours later you are back on a dating site and kicking me out of your life and now you won't speak to me because I called you the C word for all of that?  

When she cheated initially I didn't even yell at her I didn't even raise my voice so it doesn't we didn't have name calling other then maybe two fights where we both said one bad word

This whole situation is just maddening because there has to be a way to open up communication

I'll tell you a brief situation that occurred with the prior BPD who was actually more NPD she thought she was God's gift to men and because she was so good and bad she had so many guys that was ridiculous.

So 2 years ago we get into an argument on New Years Eve and I ended up leaving she went psycho on me. A couple days later I tried to reach out to her to let her know that I left something on her door and then I respected her wishes to break up and she text me back that this was my idea to break up meanwhile the whole week I was wanting to talk to her again but figured she wouldn't speak to me so the next day she says she has to go out of town to take care of some legal stuff and she tells me that we're not going to work out so so since I was living with her I tell her that I'm going to go get my stuff while she is out of town. During our one week little break up after New Years I stayed in a hotel. When I texted her that I was going to get my stuff she got so mad and the next day I get a call from the police and and served a restraining order. This is for me going to get my stuff for saying that I'm going to go get my stuff. The restraining order is temporary and it is for one week I show up in court and I figured maybe she would back down and she does not. So the judge asked her if one year would be enough of a permanent order for her and her response was I wish it could be forever and I was on the verge of tears sitting in a courtroom hearing her talk about me this way. The judge could kind of tell she was a little bit off and he said I think one year is plenty or something to that effect and I went back outside to the parking garage got in my car and SAT there crying because I knew that I would not be able to see her for a year for risk going to jail. So fast forward about 4 weeks later I have some pictures of her that I knew she wanted .

Not to lose you here but two days before this New Year's Eve fight was her birthday and she wanted some fancy dishes from some high end place so I wrote her a check for like $300 because I didn't want to pick out the wrong ones. So after she got the restraining order the initial one I canceled the check in anger.

Okay so now back up to 4 weeks after the permanent restraining order. in addition to the pictures and a few other items I put $300 cash in an envelope and I did not send any direct words to her because of the restraining order and in fact I had a friend of mine shipped the box from his work since he owns his own business and sent it under his name in fact I called the police and that's what they told me I could do to return her items

So the very next day or maybe it was two days after I shipped it I get a blocked number call and I answer it and she is like crying and happy though and she begs for me to come and see her and I was like are you crazy I could get in trouble or even speaking to you she said I would never get you in trouble I would never do that to you and I'm thinking didn't you just do this to me. But she convinces me to come and see her her father is a cop a retired detective and I go over to see her that night and she ask me if I want to sleep with her

Anyway one thing led to another and we were back together and if I had never sent that box I don't think she would have contacted me. Now I'm not advising people to send stuff back to trigger your ex to speak to you but I do remember also sending in the box a card that I had given her the first week we were together

I guess my point is that there is often something that you can do to open communication but I have to tell you after what she did in the last 10 months after we reconcile I deeply deeply regret that I did not walk away I now have a temporary criminal record I say temporary because I can actually have it removed after three years if I don't get in any trouble the judge cut me a break I guess because I don't think I should have been in any trouble to begin with

And one last point to any guys either if you mess with it one of these girls and they are angry at you it doesn't matter if you've never done anything if they say you did it they will be believed it won't matter if its 3 month later they will be believed and if they get a prosecutor to file charges you will cop a plea to anything less serious because of the risk of going to trial and losing

My attorney said that he listen to her initial restraining order testimony and he said he could tell she was a psychopath but he said that's bad news for you because psychopaths are very believable on the stand and it will be your word versus her word and if you lose it won't be good

So with the most recent ex she said we don't have anything more to discuss and even though she's never been angry or mean or anything I'm not going to risk making her mad because I can't afford to. I just had to say I respect your wishes and I'll always love you and have a good life and those are the final words that we have communicated to each other in the last 6 weeks

[jessedsickabouther]

About the reward card here is the funny part it is such an insignificant amount of money

I know I am obsessing on this but hear me out because may be getting other peoples thoughts on it will help me stop ruminating.

I do a lot of driving for a living. This card was first and foremost a reward card for a major gas station so since I use a lot of gas I was accumulating a lot of points at first then they added other retailers including a pharmacy chain that is well known.

Now during the entire time we are dating and she has this card she never received any of the points in fact I said if you want to use them to get free gas or something go ahead. She never did but occasionally she would give the card when she bought stuff so that more points would go on the card.

So we break up and for the first 5 weeks she doesn't use the rewards at all . I didn't use them either.  Now remember this card is in my name only so once we are broken up if she goes to check out at the counter and hands the car to them she knows that the points are going to come to me since it's my own account

its free to sign up so she could have just said that she wants her own car and thrown mine away. Now in order to even know that you have redeemable points you would have to hand them the card and then select the option to redeem the money for prior purchases so she handed them my card on the purchase that she made that day and took the $5 discount which is so insignificant. I mean if she was taking like $50 I could see it as a big f you to me but it was like she knew I would find out because I immediately got an email stating that I had you the reward points.

So for the entire duration of the relationship and the five weeks after you never use the card for anything for yourself but now 2 weeks ago you want five bucks off of my card?

So was I supposed to email her and tell her that she shouldn't be using my card? I don't know. I called up and cancelled the card and I have not reached out but I so badly wanted to because I thought this was her way of getting my attention and covering her but either way because then it's up to her how she wants to respond instead of just calling me or emailing me.

Long story short I have not replied and when you really want to talk to someone it's hard to not use that as an opportunity to open up dialogue but I'm scared of opening it up to a whole new world of pain after what I've already been through

So am I just overreacting and it was an innocent mistake or wishful thinking on my part?

[once removed]

i dont think you are overreacting. i think it was a good move cancelling the card. theres a major sense of entitlement behind her actions, regardless of whether it was five dollars of fifty dollars.

my ex apparently had my missing debit card for a couple of months after we broke up. shed been busting into my email for that couple months. eventually, i left a one line email in there addressed to her; i thought shed take it well. she responded by using my debit card.

in addition to that, before id even met her, her best friend told me that she had witnessed her (my ex) steal money from an ex boyfriend. when confronted by her friend, she sat there and justified it. given how i feel about thieves, that was good enough reason to never meet my ex. im sure i decided it wouldnt happen to me  .

its an impulsive action on your exes part and there is as i said a sense of entitlement. its completely inappropriate to share/borrow/steal resources post breakup (obviously inappropriate to steal at any time).

ruminations tend to feed ruminations. there is something to be said for ruminating. your psyche will generally insist on replaying every aspect of the relationship over and over, not unlike a twist ending of a movie, where youre shocked, wonder what you missed and how you missed it, so you rewatch it, maybe you rewatch it a hundred times.  thats a natural response to trauma, and the psyche needs to decide on a particular version of a reality it has great difficulty fathoming. the psyche needs comfort. as you heal, your psyche will increasingly be able to process a more balanced perspective.

we have a workshop on dealing with ruminations that may help: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=103396.0

[jessedsickabouther]

It's so funny what you said about entitlement. Now obviously I don't know what the actual purpose of using the card was but I'm pretty sure it was intentional but I have to tell you for someone who a month ago abandon me my children that love her destroyed Christmas left me in a financial bind by moving out with no notice cheated on me lied to me made false promises and then walked out on those when I was willing to work on things even after all of this I have to tell you that stealing five bucks from me really really made me a lot angrier than I thought it would it was like a way of saying haven't you done enough already and all I've done is tell you that I'm sorry for what you go through I'm sorry if I called you one name for cheating on me and that I will always love you and if you need a place to come you're welcome to come and lay on the couch and I won't ask any questions

And apparently there is just no capacity to act like an adult. In regards to your axe with stealing your card in the beginning and kept on dating them. This whole thing really is exhausting. The ironic part is that she had helped me out so many times and since she just moved in 2 months prior and November was my three paycheck month I was going to give her so much money just help her and thank her for all she had done and she picked that weekend to go out and cheat.

I give up because she really is a good girl and I definitely know the difference.

Thanks for your insight.  Do you think that your ex used your card so that you would speak to her in a similar way that may be minded or do you think its just a big f you?

[jessedsickabouther]

I apologize that my responses seem uneducated or illiterate but I have been using voice to text

I meant to say with regard to your ex that you had a pretty big red flag was stealing and it's amazing what we will ignore in the name of love

From going through th whole court process from the prior ex I made the mistake of telling this X everything including how despondent I have become and she comforted me she told me I was abused and she did everything to make me feel better and get over that situation so of course I would fall in love with her and then I come to find out from the therapist I saw that I've been emotionally abused in this relationship

By the time I learn every single lesson I'm going to be too old to get any more women

[once removed]

it sounds like youre feeling anger as a result. anger is a part of the grieving process, and there is such a thing as healthy, righteous anger. i dont wish to fan the flames, only to tell you that i agree the amount makes very little difference, and i understand her actions triggering a lot of feelings of resentment. anger can be used productively.

it is exhausting. its brutal. give yourself time and patience. you can get through this and you can emerge far stronger as a result.

Do you think that your ex used your card so that you would speak to her in a similar way that may be minded or do you think its just a big f you?

a little of both. im certain she took my one liner as a shot, though i meant it to be the opposite. she was also, im sure, very embarrassed being caught in my email though thats a whole other topic as she was leaving things as "read". i am sure on some level that she knew it would draw some response from me; its hard to say, as people with BPD can tend to act impulsively with little thought of consequence. unless im totally mistaken, she knew how i feel about stealing. im not sure why she kept it for some months without using it.

i guess im illustrating the point that your psyche will never decide on 100% of the answers it seeks, there are a few things im still curious about, but it will reach a place where it is satisfied. sometimes the answer is simply "mental illness".

[jessedsickabouther]

You are correct and I guess the bottom line is no matter what any of us does it's not going to get any better and if you're on the leaving board it's already too late.

I guess that deep down I know this and that's why I haven't responded to what she did and why I have not shipped any of her stuff back. There isn't going to be a happy outcome where I get to ride off into the sunset with her.

I have seen who she is now.  And all I know is that she is not here and that she has not tried to be an adult in any way. Whether or not she is capable of that I have no idea and it really doesn't matter at this point

I'm proud of myself that I have not reached out to her. It was especially difficult on Christmas Day and then her birthday but I knew it was the right thing.

When I think back to the last day I saw her and I wish just concerned about her as a person even after everything and all I did was tell her that I am her friend and I could see she wasn't feeling well so I brought her lunch to her office and I gave her a hug. I never would have thought that would be the last time I ever saw her.

It's like if you try to show compassion they don't want it. I did write her a long email and she said that she read it and she's listening to me but that we really don't need to communicate anymore other than about the car or phone.

It's just such a weird way to break up. And I knew there would be no point and me trying to argue with her.

I don't know how you have someone back in your life in any capacity after all of this. It's like you miss the intimacy but I would feel weird if I ever got to touch her again if that makes sense. Once you know too much its almost creepy. You want to believe that that they understand everything but they really don't. As someone that has small children I feel like I could actually sit down and explain things easier to my 7 year old daughter then I could to her.

I almost come across as patronizing when I'm trying to help but it is just so frustrating that they don't really want that help.

You know I guess that all I really want is not an apology or a reconciliation or even sex but I'd like to one day before I die hear her come to me and say everything that you told me in the email you sent was true and I know you love me a lot . Maybe a thank you

As I mentioned above the BPD X from 22 years ago took time to thank me last summer that I have been such a friend to her over the years. That I was able to put our relationship behind us and maintain a friendship through different ups and downs and I guess over the course of her life it did mean something to her that I was always someone she could talk to.

Maybe one day my ex will come across one of these posts and she will see that I never wanted to hurt her and that I do understand as much as person without this disorder might possibly be able to.

When I read that your ex was looking at your emails it dawned on me that because the phone that I have is in her name she can see all my texts and phone calls as she changed the password around the time we broke up. She said she would change it back but she never did so again I've got 18 months left on her contract that I pay and my options are to mail it back and then she's on the hook for the next 18 months of service plus the amount of the phone or keep paying the phone so that I don't screw her over. I don't really feel like I owe her anything but she did do a lot so I don't want her to have to pay the price when she was actually trying to do something nice for me and I guess she's not angry enough that she's turned off the phone out of spite.

But it does keep me connected to her and that probably is not a good thing in this situation.

I don't remember if you said if your ex broke up with you or you broke up with her but if she broke up with you it is so weird that she would be in your email and even care what you do. I mean it's not like they want to get back together with you because you would think they would just call you and if they're so done and moved on why do they linger.

At the end of the day I think it's all about control . If you reach out they get to decide whether to slam you further or let you in a little bit. Because of all of my reading I just know better than to open my mouth because I don't need a house to fall on me to see that virtually all contact initiated by a non ends in a whole other level of pain.

I don't need to test it out when I see what everyone else has gone through.

At some point sometime I might hear from her and so far the best that I could come up with if it happens soon will be to tell her that I don't have anything to say that I'm not mad and that whatever is going on in her life I don't want to be involved in but if she is alone or scared for one night or a week that she is welcome to lay on the couch. And if she wants to come then I will tell her the only rule I have is I don't want your phone on in my house while you lay hear.  I don't need guys texting or dating apps to go off. So maybe this isn't the best idea and my gut tells me I'm not going to hear from her for a very long time but I think it keeps in line with me not getting involved with her and demonstrating by my actions that I care because really if they do contact you at this point it's only because someone else left them where they are having trouble and they are going to go right back to somebody else as soon as they can so what's the point of talking.

Yeah I did not appreciate being cheated on but in my case she treated me pretty well so I would not banish her from my life but I can't move forward in any other capacity because I know she will leave again.

If she pushed for something more because she wasn't getting what she wanted then that would give me an opportunity to talk and tell her that I really was your friend and it's okay to let go.

[once removed]

You are correct and I guess the bottom line is no matter what any of us does it's not going to get any better and if you're on the leaving board it's already too late.

i wouldnt put it that way exactly. if youre on the leaving board youre choosing to detach, or the relationship is not available to you. we have a "saving" board for trying to repair things. the folks on the "staying" board have indeed improved their relationships.

When I think back to the last day I saw her and I wish just concerned about her as a person even after everything and all I did was tell her that I am her friend and I could see she wasn't feeling well so I brought her lunch to her office and I gave her a hug. I never would have thought that would be the last time I ever saw her.

It's like if you try to show compassion they don't want it. I did write her a long email and she said that she read it and she's listening to me but that we really don't need to communicate anymore other than about the car or phone.

It's just such a weird way to break up. And I knew there would be no point and me trying to argue with her.

I almost come across as patronizing when I'm trying to help but it is just so frustrating that they don't really want that help.

sometimes helping means loving someone from a distance. being supportive, when asked for help, but not fixing another person or turning them into a project. that will make anyone feel inferior. one persons idea of "help" may not be another persons.

You know I guess that all I really want is not an apology or a reconciliation or even sex but I'd like to one day before I die hear her come to me and say everything that you told me in the email you sent was true and I know you love me a lot . Maybe a thank you

Maybe one day my ex will come across one of these posts and she will see that I never wanted to hurt her and that I do understand as much as person without this disorder might possibly be able to.

thats what i mean. i doubt very much that she wants you to understand her personality disorder or to see her as a personality disordered person, let alone treat her like one. she wants to be loved and accepted for the person she is. none of us here are experts on BPD. what youre saying is that you want her to see things as you do. two people have two different perspectives and realities. thats part of acceptance.

When I read that your ex was looking at your emails it dawned on me that because the phone that I have is in her name she can see all my texts and phone calls as she changed the password around the time we broke up. She said she would change it back but she never did so again I've got 18 months left on her contract that I pay and my options are to mail it back and then she's on the hook for the next 18 months of service plus the amount of the phone or keep paying the phone so that I don't screw her over. I don't really feel like I owe her anything but she did do a lot so I don't want her to have to pay the price when she was actually trying to do something nice for me and I guess she's not angry enough that she's turned off the phone out of spite.

so youre paying for her phone? in doing that, youre likely telegraphing that its okay for her to use your reward card.  it does keep you connected. if youre connected, and spending money on her, thats the message shes getting. shes an adult. she can manage her own cell phone, its not your responsibility, and no, when two people break up they do not owe each other anything.

I don't remember if you said if your ex broke up with you or you broke up with her but if she broke up with you it is so weird that she would be in your email and even care what you do. I mean it's not like they want to get back together with you because you would think they would just call you and if they're so done and moved on why do they linger.

At the end of the day I think it's all about control . If you reach out they get to decide whether to slam you further or let you in a little bit. Because of all of my reading I just know better than to open my mouth because I don't need a house to fall on me to see that virtually all contact initiated by a non ends in a whole other level of pain.

people with BPD have an intense fear of rejection. thats typically the reason for the sort of indirect contact, or why there might be no contact. there is also tremendous shame, and the effort to avoid feeling it. the contact from the nons you read about on here usually triggers that shame. or its needy stuff, looking for closure, looking to rehash the past, etc. no one, BPD or not, wants to deal with that or necessarily knows how.

At some point sometime I might hear from her and so far the best that I could come up with if it happens soon will be to tell her that I don't have anything to say that I'm not mad and that whatever is going on in her life I don't want to be involved in but if she is alone or scared for one night or a week that she is welcome to lay on the couch. And if she wants to come then I will tell her the only rule I have is I don't want your phone on in my house while you lay hear.  I don't need guys texting or dating apps to go off. So maybe this isn't the best idea and my gut tells me I'm not going to hear from her for a very long time but I think it keeps in line with me not getting involved with her and demonstrating by my actions that I care because really if they do contact you at this point it's only because someone else left them where they are having trouble and they are going to go right back to somebody else as soon as they can so what's the point of talking.

thats pretty much what i just described. if she contacts you you would respond by telling her "youre not mad" (about what?) followed by talking about the rules if she stays at your house? thats a bit of too much too soon. if she contacts you its probably going to be pretty light. if you choose to respond, id respond in kind, and let her lead. if she says "hey" you say "hey" no more no less. does that make sense?

[jessedsickabouther]

The phone is in her name and I pay for the phone for me . She bought it to be nice when we were dating and if I give it back to her she will have to pay the balance so I pay it and I use it but I do not pay for her phone .

And now after everything I told you yesterday I got an email at lunchtime today saying that my Twitter account password had been changed well for one I haven't used Twitter in about three years even know I have an active account and second of all the account password that was changed was one that I don't remember setting up but it is my full name as the user name or Twitter handle

Her job is in IT and she has government clearance so I don't know if this is her but it's never happened before. At this point I really wish I knew what the heck was going on and maybe that's the purpose of all of this but I don't know if I'm supposed to reach out or just ignore it I guess I should be ignoring this

[jessedsickabouther]

Has anyone else experienced their passwords been changed it really doesn't make sense because she knows I don't use Twitter anyway

Is this a common issue with Twitter where peoples accounts are hacked into regularly it could be nothing?