I can't stop thinking about everything that happened.

[Depression = 72% of members]

Is it normal to keep replaying your entire relationship over and over in your head. And I sit and think about the good times, then the bad times, then finding out he was the biggest fraud, hypocrite , scumbag who wasn't anything that I  thought he was. All his morals that he claimed to have. He was lower than low. Why can't I just accept that he was sick! It wasn't like he intentionally hunted me down to use and abuse. But he still knew right from wrong, he still knows he is lying and twisting things so it seemed it was my fault in his eyes. I was used and manipulated . I really thought he loved me! We were together all the time. 5 major vacations. It's so sad to think he could turn that feeling on and off. And be able to deceive and manipulate like that.? Cheat and be ok with it. Lie to me everyday . I just have to remember he was sick and would do this to anyone. He isn't capable of anything more. i saw how out of control he was at the end. He couldn't  control himself at all. I never saw him like that. i just never imagine this would happen. I can't believe I was with such a mentally ill person for so long.  Makes me very sad to see what I deem as "normal" . It felt familiar FOO problems .

[Itstopsnow]

Is it normal to keep replaying your entire relationship over and over in your head. And I sit and think about the good times, then the bad times, then finding out he was the biggest fraud, hypocrite , scumbag who wasn't anything that I  thought he was. All his morals that he claimed to have. He was lower than low. Why can't I just accept that he was sick! It wasn't like he intentionally hunted me down to use and abuse. But he still knew right from wrong, he still knows he is lying and twisting things so it seemed it was my fault in his eyes. I was used and manipulated . I really thought he loved me! We were together all the time. 5 major vacations. It's so sad to think he could turn that feeling on and off. And be able to deceive and manipulate like that.? Cheat and be ok with it. Lie to me everyday . I just have to remember he was sick and would do this to anyone. He isn't capable of anything more. i saw how out of control he was at the end. He couldn't  control himself at all. I never saw him like that. i just never imagine this would happen. I can't believe I was with such a mentally ill person for so long.  Makes me very sad to see what I deem as "normal" . It felt familiar FOO problems .

[Knight]

I can't explain it well; but yes they get in our heads and it's so difficult to stop dwelling. I wonder all the time if anything was real or if she was trying to get my money and faked the love. I'm torn because it's probably both. And healthy people don't do that. But yes for sure its not easy to free your mind from the torment.

[Teereese]

Hello Itstopsnow,

It is normal to replay during the process.

At some point I surrendered to the fact that I was wasting my time, energy and precious mind on things that were over and done with.

Accepting his sickness will happen with time. Forgiving yourself will also come with time.

I blamed myself for staying, accepting his behavior as normal, allowing myself to lose myself and be mistreated. I accepted my role in the r/s and forgave myself.

I am working on forgiving him. I am not there yet but it is a goal for me. I feel that forgiving him will free me and close that chapter.

It's a process and not an easy one.

You are strong and we are all here (in different places in the process) to lend support and encouragement to you.

[Itstopsnow]

Thank you so much! That post gave me lots of courage. I need to surrender to it. And let go! You're right! I know I'm way better off without him, his debt was piling up, no money in the bank. He had developed a gambling addiction and is always spending the little money he had. He's sick and his life is not my problem. It hurts all that he did and how he did it. How he could be my best friend and then stab me in the back repeatedly with a butcher's Knife! That's how violated I feel, but he can't give more. He's sick. I know this! Is there any tools someone can give me . I want to stop ruminating on it. It seems like I'm doing in 24 /7, I keep going through everything. And then I research his illness, come on here. It's like all my free time I'm either thinking about him and what happened, or I'm reading up on BPD, I don't know what is worse. My friends think I shouldn't go on this site that it keeps me stuck! But I think it helps me feel better

[molitor]

Friends and family dont know what this unique experience is like, or how deeply it wounds us. This site has been my life line, and you will find comfort in reading similar stories. I am 9 months out, and still ruminate hourly. I am improving, and the sting is certainly less, but I have a road ahead of me until Im over this. Its hard for us non disordered to process what happened, how we could have been duped, etc... .but the simple answer that we must radically accept is that they are disordered; there is no making sense of it. Stay strong...

[Penelope35]

Itstopsnow I think your story and hurt and concerns are very similar to mine. The way I think about it (but I don't know if this is just the way that I like/prefer to think about it), is that my exBPD did love me in the way love happens for him. With all the push/pull, idealization/devaluation and everything else that comes with BPD. That is how they love and this is how he loved me. I think they don't have another way to love. It is not possible for them. Love=need for validation for them. So in this context, in his own terms, he did love me and he did mean it when he said so. This is the only way they can "love". If he changed his mind the next day or week because devaluation kicked in what can we do? This is love for them. Just not for us because we know this is not the healthy love that will grow and mature with time.

I don't know. How does this perspective sound to you?

[Lonely_Astro]

Thank you so much! That post gave me lots of courage. I need to surrender to it. And let go! You're right! I know I'm way better off without him, his debt was piling up, no money in the bank. He had developed a gambling addiction and is always spending the little money he had. He's sick and his life is not my problem. It hurts all that he did and how he did it. How he could be my best friend and then stab me in the back repeatedly with a butcher's Knife! That's how violated I feel, but he can't give more. He's sick. I know this! Is there any tools someone can give me . I want to stop ruminating on it. It seems like I'm doing in 24 /7, I keep going through everything. And then I research his illness, come on here. It's like all my free time I'm either thinking about him and what happened, or I'm reading up on BPD, I don't know what is worse. My friends think I shouldn't go on this site that it keeps me stuck! But I think it helps me feel better

First off, unless your friends have ever experienced a r/s with a BPD, they don't "get it".  For the rest of them, a r/s didn't work out for one reason or another, that's life.  For us, we are often left with little or no explanation.  We had no decline, just a vacuum.  "Outsiders", if you will, cannot grasp how trauma bonds are formed or why it's so difficult for us to leave our ex BPs behind.

As far as constantly thinking about them, there are several reasons at play.  We are trying to make sense of it all.  We are enmeshed.  We are trauma bonded.  We are co-dependent. We are addicted.  We are rescuers.  We are human. 

Each of us is somewhere on the path to our own freedom.  Some are further along (rarely, if ever), think of their BP or if they do shrug and say I hope they're happy.  Others just started and are asking themselves "why" and "what happens next" because we're used to putting them first that we lost ourselves during the encounter.  It's human nature to want to reconcile, to understand.  Unfortunately, we can't do that with this situation.  You can't apply logic to illogical acts. 

[Itstopsnow]

Thank you all for the responses. I do agree this is the hardest breakup in my life. No emotion or feeling seems to sit that long with me. I still feel the anxieties when I think about how bad we crashed and burned at the end. And realizing how deeply troubled he was I guess that is a double edged sword to think about. In a way it's a relief to know the cause of his crazy behaviors. That it wasn't my fault to a large extent. I tried to please him best I could towards the end he was so disregulated nothing short of a miracle could work. I  grateful to God for shedding the light on what was truly going on. It was like a mind bomb going off to see this man that told me we were a great team, and that I was everything to him, professing his love for me. So Infatuated with my body and looks. That he was running around behind my back any chance he could. Again I agree illogical behaviors won't make sense. I think I realize he is sick and he did what he did out of desperation, fear, abd it's the only way he knows how to get by. It's so hard to not take personally. Because it means that we weren't a priority to them ever. Not in the way a healthy love is. Usually when you love someone you are selfless at times . Real love makes you grow in virtue,amd grace. BPD love is always self seeking to end their pain, loneliness, fear, boredom, emptiness. But giving love to someone who really has no love for themselves. They don't know how to love properly. I get it. They fear it and don't trust it yet truly want it. It's a painful process that makes everyone get hurt at the end. I see it was part of his disorder. I just want to lay it all to rest. I guess that will take time. I miss the guy I thought was my friend and my lover. But he is so fragmented. It is sad to know I'll never see him again. And even if I ran into him one day I wouldn't ever see him with the same eyes I once did. It is like a death . So final . I wouldn't wish

This pain on anyone. Although I feel like if and when I let go. I would see how my life is free of so many burdens and that I can have the happiness that I deserve. I want to get to a place of not being sad, hurt, or confused.  I know it will take time. Thank you for listening

[Lonely_Astro]

Thank you all for the responses. I do agree this is the hardest breakup in my life. No emotion or feeling seems to sit that long with me. I still feel the anxieties when I think about how bad we crashed and burned at the end. And realizing how deeply troubled he was I guess that is a double edged sword to think about. In a way it's a relief to know the cause of his crazy behaviors. That it wasn't my fault to a large extent. I tried to please him best I could towards the end he was so disregulated nothing short of a miracle could work. I  grateful to God for shedding the light on what was truly going on. It was like a mind bomb going off to see this man that told me we were a great team, and that I was everything to him, professing his love for me. So Infatuated with my body and looks. That he was running around behind my back any chance he could. Again I agree illogical behaviors won't make sense. I think I realize he is sick and he did what he did out of desperation, fear, abd it's the only way he knows how to get by. It's so hard to not take personally. Because it means that we weren't a priority to them ever. Not in the way a healthy love is. Usually when you love someone you are selfless at times . Real love makes you grow in virtue,amd grace. BPD love is always self seeking to end their pain, loneliness, fear, boredom, emptiness. But giving love to someone who really has no love for themselves. They don't know how to love properly. I get it. They fear it and don't trust it yet truly want it. It's a painful process that makes everyone get hurt at the end. I see it was part of his disorder. I just want to lay it all to rest. I guess that will take time. I miss the guy I thought was my friend and my lover. But he is so fragmented. It is sad to know I'll never see him again. And even if I ran into him one day I wouldn't ever see him with the same eyes I once did. It is like a death . So final . I wouldn't wish

This pain on anyone. Although I feel like if and when I let go. I would see how my life is free of so many burdens and that I can have the happiness that I deserve. I want to get to a place of not being sad, hurt, or confused.  I know it will take time. Thank you for listening

It absolutely takes time.  You will always (and I do mean always) carry the scar.  If you aren't around your ex every day, consider yourself lucky.  I see mine every work day and I am still amazed at how easy it's been for her to dismiss me, dismiss us, like she has.  I think, to some extent, that she's on her journey to being better but I can't be sure.  She seems very self aware and like the J I met a year ago when we started up.  But how long will that last?  We are DNR, but geez how I'm craving one more high from her.  I know I can't have it, no good would come from it if I tried (she would reject me right now because she has a new supply) and were successful in meeting my own want of being with her again (both emotionally and physically).

Since I am in contact with her, I think I'll have to do something extreme soon and go full NC.  I can't move on by talking to her every day, even if it's superficial.  My biggest struggle right now is thinking that the new(est) guy is going to get the J that I want: loving, caring, understands her flaw and won't be ruled by it, becomes all that I know she wants to be and is inside. That he'll be successful where I was used. He'll get what I want.  That's the root of it for me: he'll have what I desire.  The truth is, there's no short term cure for what she has (BPD).  She still has years of DBT ahead of her, if she even takes it serious, and she's HF (which has been shown to be less effective on).  The truth is the trail of devastation she leaves behind won't stop.  But... .what if?

[McKenzie]

Bit of repetition here, but it's important: yes, it's normal and, imo, unavoidable to think about all that happened. It's part of processing the events, although it is very unpleasant an frankly quite exhausting too. You just need to incorporate a handful of rebellious thoughts in the process. Thoughts like "I was so understanding and patient" and "He didn't deserve a partner as good as me".

I have a similar past, although the relationship was only 6 months. Anyways had the relationship, thought it was the bees knees but something was off, more and more. Couldn't leave, I adored the man yet felt so alone. Relationship ends brutally, lots of blames and personal hell. I too blamed myself over the torment, like how could I allow this to happen? How could I let anyone treat me like this? Still, that doesn't change the fact that this person had no right to treat you the way he did and that he's responsible for his actions, not you.

It's been almost 2 years since and a year of NC and it has gotten significantly better. You might need more or less time, there's no guideline. You grieve as long as you need to, the way you need to. I can recommend writing a journal, reading the very first entries show me how unhealthy the relationship was and how incredibly lonely I felt in it (should I ever doubt it). I feel a great relief when I compare those entries to my current situation which is delightfully boring. No one is manipulating me or blaming me for anything they think I've done. It's just me for the time being and that is the bees knees.

Hang in there, you will be fine.

[Penelope35]

Hi Lonely Astro!  I kind of disagree with you about carrying the scar always... .I think this is up to us. When we finally manage to turn the focus on our selves and really work on our own difficulties (wounds made by our BPD exs or wounds that were there before) and stop worrying so much about our exs and their future with other people, I do believe only then we will heal completely. And when we fall in love again there will come a point when we will reach indifference or at least have the feelings we have for our other exs.

I say "we", because I too struggle with the things you struggle but I know that the main reason I struggle so much is because I haven't yet turned the focus to myself and REALLY ACCEPT that this relationship NEEDS TO BE OVER and that I WILL NEVER BE WITH HIM AGAIN. Only when I accept these, the healing will start to take place. And I have to do this alone. It will be painful but I have to do it alone. Turning to him for support or answers to my million questions to understand HIM and the kind of relationship HE had with me will never let ME heal.

This is my opinion. I hope we can all let go at some point  

[Itstopsnow]

I agree with Penelope, I don't think these scars have to stay with us long term. Once we heal and move on... And once we find real love and see what that really is about and how it truly feels. I know I won't have these scars hurting me. It wasn't a healthy good relationship. It will always be a negative experience over all. And that is the sad part. But at some point I do believe most of us if we allow it . It won't hold the power anymore. I only can speak from my prespective . I was only with him 18 months. Maybe 20. You can say. I can't put myself in the position as someone who as married for 8, 12, 20 years to the person. I'm sure that must be much harder. But once we all get into a relationship that is bearing true fruit. I think we will then be able to let go with gratitude. The experience can make us wiser, more compassionate, and more honest with ourselves. I think we learn how to take better care of us and our needs

[Penelope35]

One morw thing i wanted to tell you Lonely Astro is that not having any contact is also of major importance in the healing process. I see how my way of thinking starts to change when I have no contact and then how I am just sucked back in even if he sends a message to say "hi". It's unbelievable!

I know you work together which makes it impossible to stay no contact but if there is any way you can limit that would be for the best. is there a possibility you could get transferred to another department or move to another floor? If not it may be harder but you can still do it when you accept that its over because YOU want it to be over because it is bad for YOU.

[Welgrow]

I feel like this experience is a gift that I never wanted. Scar or no scar, this has been so excruciatingly painful. Thank you for starting this thread, and everyone seems to be telling my story. I feel like this is a gift because it's giving me a reason to grow and look at stuff I never would have faced on my own. I met her, loved her, gave to her and got burned like everyone here. I feel like this experience is like a broken bone:

-it hurts like hell

-I have needed to seek help for myself

-I couldn't bear her weight anymore because of the fracture

-when it heals it will heal stronger and never break in the same spot again

I've been reading a book called "no more Mr Nice Guy" which is a program (kind of) I'm undertaking in order to grow out of this codependent, people pleasing. The book suggested that I look at this as a gift.

[Lonely_Astro]

I agree with Penelope, I don't think these scars have to stay with us long term. Once we heal and move on... And once we find real love and see what that really is about and how it truly feels. I know I won't have these scars hurting me. It wasn't a healthy good relationship. It will always be a negative experience over all. And that is the sad part. But at some point I do believe most of us if we allow it . It won't hold the power anymore. I only can speak from my prespective . I was only with him 18 months. Maybe 20. You can say. I can't put myself in the position as someone who as married for 8, 12, 20 years to the person. I'm sure that must be much harder. But once we all get into a relationship that is bearing true fruit. I think we will then be able to let go with gratitude. The experience can make us wiser, more compassionate, and more honest with ourselves. I think we learn how to take better care of us and our needs

One morw thing i wanted to tell you Lonely Astro is that not having any contact is also of major importance in the healing process. I see how my way of thinking starts to change when I have no contact and then how I am just sucked back in even if he sends a message to say "hi". It's unbelievable!

I know you work together which makes it impossible to stay no contact but if there is any way you can limit that would be for the best. is there a possibility you could get transferred to another department or move to another floor? If not it may be harder but you can still do it when you accept that its over because YOU want it to be over because it is bad for YOU.

Perhaps what I said about always having the scar was taken a tad out of context.  What I meant was something like this:  do you have a physical scar on your body, somewhere?  Perhaps you got it from a bicycle accident, a car wreck, or even getting a little to Top Chef in the kitchen.  You have that scar, but the pain of that scar has diminished from when it was a fresh, open wound... .right?  That's how I see the r/s that we had with our exes.  We received cuts (emotionally speaking, some of us thats literal... .not in my case) during our time.  As time passes, that "cut" will heal but a scar will remain.  You can look at that scar and remember how you got the cut, sure, but the pain of that cut won't be there.  Now, like how we got that physical scar from some accident, we learned from that accident, didn't we?  We have the scar to prove it, don't we?  That's what I meant. 

I didn't mean we would always be in pain.  I didn't mean we wouldn't move on from this.  That's not what I was trying to say.  We will forgive what happened during the r/s (both ourselves and our exes), in time.  Once we have done that, we are healed... .that wound no longer is fresh, open, and bleeding.  But we won't forget what happened during our time with our exes, how we were treated, abused, or "cut"... .therefore, the wound has closed.  We learned about ourselves and about them during that time (and beyond) and we will be cautious in the future because of it.  We learned (hopefully!) from our Top Chef moment with our BPs.  That's the kind of scar I'm referring to.

Being with J was my second bite at the apple.  Once should've been enough, but I tried again after 3 years NC (besides work stuff and even that was extremely minor) with her.  After the breakup the first time, in time, I healed but I always remembered (the scar) of what had happened, how it had happened, and it's aftermath.  Why I took a second bite is a kind of long story that I won't get into right now.  Does that make sense at all as to what I was trying to say?

I decided today that I am going back to NC with J.  There were a couple of week's at the beginning of the year that I was and I caved in.  I am going to have a long weekend from work and thats going to be my springboard to launch back into it.  I'm not saying that will be easy for me.  I don't desire a romantic r/s with her, but I do miss her companionship.  I'm just not in a place for that right now and talking to her is doing nothing but hurting me.  She literally doesn't understand why I'm downtrodden about our end.  Speaking to her is difficult because I stopped tap-dancing around what I would say to her... .how she receives it is how she receives it but the sheer lack of empathy from her still amazes me until I remember she's BPD.  She honestly doesn't care about the hurt/pain she has caused, her "finding herself" is what's important to her right now.  After all, she said to me yesterday that she didn't understand (quotes are her direct wording) "why I feel better even though I don't want to because of all the stuff I did to you but I can't dwell on it".  Sociopath BPD at its finest, right there.