Break NC for Birthday?

[HeadSpace]

First post here.  I've been reading for about five months... .about one month less than I should have been.    I have a question, but first a short introduction.

I met the most fascinating woman over a year ago.  Suspected BPD/HPD with a narcissistic bent at times. Admitted she had OCD, but I think there's more to it that she knows and never told me. She's quiet-acting, a waif/hermit, possibly with bipolar or other comorbid PDs. Despite red flags going back to the first date, it was wonderful beyond words - when it was wonderful.  The idealization was intense.  I'll fill in the details of the story in the coming weeks and on new threads, but I don't want to make this post too long.  The hot and cold started a few months in.  I could tell from the start that there was always a little nervousness and insecurity under the surface even though she was gorgeous (even though aging) and outwardly confident. She hinted in so many ways a lot of things that have been echoed in stories on this site.  She had a major life change (moved to the next town) and the stress was enormous for her and I eventually was ghosted. After 8 weeks of not hearing from her and finally  pressuring her a bit, it seems I was discarded officially. I'll add more later but that's it for starters.

I found the ghosting to be the most painful thing I've ever experienced, and I'm 49 yrs old and have been through my share of breakups and a divorce.  It went from "I love you" the week before, talking/texting 20 times/day every day and seeing each other on the weekends to stone cold silence.  There's a lot more to the story and the ensuing LC (almost NC) that followed.  I haven't heard from her in nearly 6 months now. About once a month I reach out and send a text but nothing in return.  I'm currently 10 weeks NC - it's been hard as, although I think I've reached radical acceptance, I have a hard time just evaporating. Possibly it's my codependence which I've been working on, but more than anything I just want her to know that I'm not angry, I still care, and if she ever needs to talk or needs a friend I'll listen. I don't expect anything from her. I pretty much told her all of that over the last 6 months, including that I care deeply, after I put together the BPD/HPD/NPD. She may have blocked me, so I don't know if she knows. I'm pretty sure I've been painted black. It's her birthday in about ten days and I thought I'd send a card with a simple greeting, keep it light and extremely brief.  It's one of those things, I'm damned if I do, and I'm probably damned if I don't, although the latter might be easier to understand.  Pride tells me not to do it.  Something else tells me that there's no harm in it, at worst I look like a sap (and I really don't care about that), at best, she gets a card from probably the only person on the planet other than her kid who cares about her.  Then again, I have to remind myself that although my friendship/love/acceptance is something she very much needs and on some level wants, it is not something she wants from me, so why should I bother?  All I really want her to know is that I thought about her, and I don't care that much if she gets the satisfaction (or supply) out of that. Any thoughts, especially from a BPD, would be appreciated.

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[Turkish]

Hi HeadSpace,



From de-lurking 

The sudden splitting sounds tough 

As long as you haven't been threatened with legal action for "stalking" or some such (I don't think reaching out is stalking, but we've seen this), I don't think that there's anything wrong with sending a card, showing that you still think about her. Keep it brief and friendly. More words or reminders of "the way things used to be" give larger targets.

If she doesn't answer, will you move in? What do you see as the boundary (and her silence is a boundary) for you to move forward?

Turkish

[HeadSpace]

I let her know months ago that the silence was hurting and disrespectful and she was telling me to go away by doing that. That didn't go over too well but did force her to respond by telling me it was over. I've been loose with that boundary on my end. Pretty much have moved on already, been on several dates, but I've been holding out hope that I'd hear from her. If I don't I move on romantically and don't contact her again. If one day she reaches out I'd talk to her, but there's no guarantee I would be available to her for a r/s.

[Mutt]

Hi HeadSpace,



I would like to join Turkish and welcome you. I agree that it sounds like you're split black. If you do send her a card, make sure that it's short and brief with no emotions and detached like Turkish said.

[ladylee]

My situation is very different bc I was married for 9 years and am in separation process and he is very angry at me because of that, the breakup was emotional, but I hope it leads him to find recovery, I still love him. I want to show him there was no malicious plan on my part bc he thinks I intentionally want to harm him. We have had some more recent lc that was civil, but that indicated he may be isolating, so I left him a card and gift just bc I care about his wellness, not to recycle, to wish him well, an uplifting message, sort of to remind him birthdays are good for our health, always remembering BPD people can get depressed to the point of suicide, he texted me a thank you. Which was enough for me. It was more than I got when I lived with him.