Could friendship .. ( in some way work?)

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hi all

I've posted on SO left relationship board, and not I'm going back into a " relationship" romantic ... anyway. My ex BPD/NPD/ OCPD could be the sweetest guy, for awhile... until something... anything triggered him into foul mouth raging... I could and would No longer tolerate.

It set my PTSD off... and I found outrageous to handle. I did love him, and still do as a person.

( I'm an empath)  

the Since Christmas, we have spoken several times, and b4 the B/U stated he always wanted to remain friends. His Mom is going through chemo... so I have tried to remain supportive as he was with my Mom's illness.

Upon the times I have reached out, he responds mostly very quickly, with a neutral detailed email ...

I am also a Christian, and believe we need to 4give those who hurt us, in order for God to 4give us.

I also found at intervals, when we " separated" and acted just as friends, it was so much better between us.

I told him this several times, when he would then reply opposite, he didn't want to be friends.

( inconsistency)

I find it quite strange though, he doesn't initiate communication unless I do, and is unusually kind in words, thanking me for inquiring?

Could anybody offer direction, ... .or had this occur with their Ex SO? last email, he apologized for not getting right back, till next day suggesting we talk over the phone and catch up...

My reply was he could call next week, if he so wished, while I added too we both have moved on in life, but saying I feel blessed by all who touched my life in some way.

Replies appreciated... thank u Aldactone

[Marshmellow]

Hi all

I've posted on SO left relationship board, and not I'm going back into a " relationship" romantic ... anyway. My ex BPD/NPD/ OCPD could be the sweetest guy, for awhile... until something... anything triggered him into foul mouth raging... I could and would No longer tolerate.

It set my PTSD off... and I found outrageous to handle. I did love him, and still do as a person.

( I'm an empath)  

the Since Christmas, we have spoken several times, and b4 the B/U stated he always wanted to remain friends. His Mom is going through chemo... so I have tried to remain supportive as he was with my Mom's illness.

Upon the times I have reached out, he responds mostly very quickly, with a neutral detailed email ...

I am also a Christian, and believe we need to 4give those who hurt us, in order for God to 4give us.

I also found at intervals, when we " separated" and acted just as friends, it was so much better between us.

I told him this several times, when he would then reply opposite, he didn't want to be friends.

( inconsistency)

I find it quite strange though, he doesn't initiate communication unless I do, and is unusually kind in words, thanking me for inquiring?

Could anybody offer direction, ... .or had this occur with their Ex SO? last email, he apologized for not getting right back, till next day suggesting we talk over the phone and catch up...

My reply was he could call next week, if he so wished, while I added too we both have moved on in life, but saying I feel blessed by all who touched my life in some way.

Replies appreciated... thank u Aldactone

[izabellizima]

Write down how you would like your friends to remember you when you die. Then look a that list of attributes and think of your ex. Does your ex have these attributes?

Friendship is a two way street. I have an ex who I only talk to twice a year. Always remember each other's birthdays. Do not need to talk to him often. We are fine being distant. He does call me, though.

Go a month not contacting him first and see if he tries to be friends, but only do this if he checks off as a good friend.

Also, if you have to ask if you should be friends with someone... .something not right, yeah?

[apollotech]

Hi MM,

The main barrier that I have seen regarding friendship with an ex afflicted with BPD is that the Non has become a trigger to them. That is, the Non, through no conduct of their own, can set off dysregulation in the pwBPD. I have yet to find an example of how a Non, once a trigger, can avoid the triggering process. Because this isn't an issue of the Non, but rather a product of the disorder in the pwBPD, the Non cannot completely negate this issue via changing themselves. In short, if you try the friendship route, I think that you'll find that the stability or longevity of the friendship will rest upon his ability to regulate himself. I think that you're already seeing problems (inconsistencies) in that area.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Marshmallow, I admire your Christian beliefs and willingness to forgive your Ex.  I gather you are seeking input/direction as to the best way to have a friendship with your BPD Ex?  Like apollotech, I have doubts about whether this is a realistic possibility.  What is the point?  Perhaps you could forgive him and get on with your life, without pursuing a fruitless quest for friendship that is likely to prolong your pain?

LuckyJim

[SummerStorm]

It's definitely tough.  My BPD friend and I were never even in an official relationship.  We just had sex a few times.  And still, it's difficult being friends with her.  

There are times when she texts me first, but generally speaking, I initiate conversation.  That being said, she at least usually replies to me.  One of my friends, who never had any problems at all with my BPD friend, can't get her to reply to her at all.  And my BPD friend will sometimes go days without texting her mom, even when they are on good terms, and her mom lives 3,000 miles away.  But of course, there are times when I text her and get no response.  

If you want to make it work, you need to accept that it won't be like a normal friendship.  And you need to get a good feel for his moods and signs that he might be dysregulating.  For example, I know that if I text my BPD friend and don't get a reply for several hours, I won't get a reply to that text.  It just won't come.  Maybe it's because it triggered her.  Maybe it's because she's drunk and passed out.  Maybe it's because she is fighting with one or both of her parents and doesn't want to talk to anyone.  It's hard to tell what the reason is, but I know to lay low for a few days and let it pass.  

Also, don't expect to have overly deep conversations.  This is definitely a hard one, but it's just the way it is.  

Lastly, be prepared to be cut out of his life, possibly for no reason at all.  I've been cut out of my BPD friend's life three times since last June.  Her dad was cut out for a few months.  She's close to cutting her mom out right now.  

And most importantly, avoid making him the center of your life.  Things between my BPD friend and I have gotten much better since I've gone back to hobbies and interests that I had prior to meeting her.

[Euler2718]

Hi MM,

The main barrier that I have seen regarding friendship with an ex afflicted with BPD is that the Non has become a trigger to them. That is, the Non, through no conduct of their own, can set off dysregulation in the pwBPD. I have yet to find an example of how a Non, once a trigger, can avoid the triggering process. Because this isn't an issue of the Non, but rather a product of the disorder in the pwBPD, the Non cannot completely negate this issue via changing themselves. In short, if you try the friendship route, I think that you'll find that the stability or longevity of the friendship will rest upon his ability to regulate himself. I think that you're already seeing problems (inconsistencies) in that area.

I tried to be friends with mine, when she left she was all haughty and calm, but she had prayed to God to make her calm. When I sent her emails and was maybe going to meet her at church, she freaked. Underneath she had feelings. Emails triggered them. However, every situation's different -- and this was in the immediate aftermath of the breakup, when we were both emotional.

The end result? She said she needed time to heal. I said "how long" and she said "A long time! Maybe a year" so I made her promise to call me in a year.

I'm OK and I am letting go but anyway, you can try! I just wanted to share my experience.

[Grey Kitty]

Could friendship work? Here's my take on such things.

1. You could be civil with him, without much emotional depth, and get the same in return if he is willing to stay at that level. (Likely he won't be)

2. You may well be capable of having a deep, intimate, non-romantic friendship with him. Here is what *I* would expect out of it:

He hasn't changed from the guy you couldn't handle in a romantic relationship. The push-pull dynamic, going between being sweet and being abusive like he did in the past will still happen.

If he does try to be friends with you, he will *most likely* try to pull you into an incredibly deep level of intimacy, to a point that a new boyfriend would have fairly good reason to be concerned about it. (Assuming this hypothetical new boyfriend isn't super-jealous and you communicate well with him, those concerns are addressable, but there would be good reason for them)

And if you do follow him into that level of intimacy... .it will be just as stressful for him as it was in your relationship, and he will likely dysregulate and do things to blow it up and get space again.

... .please understand... .I'm NOT suggesting you avoid being friends with him. If you have very firm boundaries, you can do it and protect yourself from being (emotionally) harmed by it... .I do, however, suggest that you go into it with your eyes open as the likely outcome.

And that is that whatever bad behavior he has presented you with in the past will probably return if you remain friends, and you should be prepared with the right tools to protect yourself from it.

Also accept that while you may be able to handle this kind of friendship, he may decide that he can't. That part is up to him.