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Author Topic: NC pep talk thread part 3  (Read 2061 times)
Anez
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« on: January 22, 2016, 04:51:41 PM »

I just found out from a co-worker that my ex is no longer seeing her therapist.

she broke it off with me in sept saying she needs to work on herself thru therapy - therapy i helped get her into last spring - so relationships will mean more to her.

Well now she's done with therapy. Prob got frustrated with her therapist - as pwBPD often do - and is now not going back to her.

This news has it me a few ways. 1. i'm mad that she just threw me away to work on herself and now doesn't work on herself or talk to me. 2. her quitting therapy reinforces to me that she's not right and i dodged a bullet.

but man, this news is annoying to hear and is stirring up feelings both good and bad.

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Rmbrworst
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« Reply #1 on: January 22, 2016, 04:58:37 PM »

My ex needed "time alone" to "work on himself" too.

That was code for "I'm getting back with my ex and I don't have the balls to tell you."

Part of these relationships is the interaction with the nonBPD and allowing ourselves to feel this way.  Why are we attached to someone who treated us so poorly?  I'm not sure I have the answers, but I feel it's the core of our issue.

If we had clear boundaries and were being "sane" we would have no problem dropping people that have treated us like trash.  Remember, actions speak louder than words.  People with BPD tend to talk good game, but when it comes down to having a long lasting healthy relationship, it always falls short.

I think coming to terms with the fact that the love you shared was a facade, or fleeting, is hard for us to accept.  However, it's true. 

We loved them as healthy capable adults, and it hurts to admit to ourselves that they did not love us equally. 

Period.

Much love to u guys.

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Anez
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« Reply #2 on: January 22, 2016, 05:31:52 PM »

N/C or DNR... .what ever it takes, it's now about each one of us, not them... .

This is so true and I'm seeing this more clearly right now this very second. I've put so much thought into her. She prob hasn't put any thought into me.

And now it's time for me to know it's about me. and getting stronger.

Thanks, wantingtochange. Your whole post was great.

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Anez
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« Reply #3 on: January 22, 2016, 05:37:10 PM »

People with BPD tend to talk good game, but when it comes down to having a long lasting healthy relationship, it always falls short.

This is very true, too. my ex can text sweet things or say deep things in a text but in person she was always unable to have in-depth conversations about feelings because it gave her anxiety. It's much easier to play a role in a text message, a role that makes them feel like they're being sincere but if they can't do it in person it just shows that they're able to talk a good game but not have a long lasting, healthy relationship.

we were used and tossed aside. Now it's time for us to use ourselves to get stronger, pick ourselves back up, and be glad that we got out of that disaster of a relationship.

people told me I dodged a bullet and I didn't buy into it. I'm buying into it now.

the time is ours, guys. and that's awesome.
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homefree
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« Reply #4 on: January 22, 2016, 06:51:28 PM »

It's so hard to describe this to "real life" family and friends.  I don't think they understand how traumatic it is to be discarded.  It's not a "break up",  it's like ... .being emotionally violated.  It's not just missing someone ... .it's an ache and a hurt that goes deeper.  At some points I lost my grip.  I lost who I was and what I was worth.  My self esteem stripped from me and my value completely degraded.

It's the first breakup that brought me to my knees.

It's the first breakup that made me feel thoughts of suicide ... .

It's bigger than most can realize.

This is so true. I have two good friends that can actually relate to this. They are the ones I talk with. I can explain things in general ways to my brother and parents, but they simply do not understand. They are uncomfortable around people in pain like this. They don't know what to say or do about it, so they give me generalities. I remember many years ago I was suffering a very bad breakup and my mom told me that everyone goes through these things but you have to eventually just get over it. That couldn't be less helpful.

And you're right. It was only a couple times, but this breakup made me feel that the pain and suffering would never stop. That my life was now over. I was worthless and would never be happy again. And I understood for the first time what I never did before about people who commit suicide. " a permanent solution to a temporary problem " as my brother would always put it. "You never know what good thing will be coming around the next corner". All very logical sentiments, but that mindset couldn't care less about logic. The certainty I felt that it was all over and that there would never be anything good again in my life until I was put in the ground was palpable. The emotions take over your mind and you not only don't resist or argue with those emotions, but you feel you need them for some reason. It was an eye-opener.

And I've never felt that before. There is something different about the way your life is torn from you in these breakups. And in contrast to these feelings you see your ex having the time of their life with some other person who loves them. Who could possibly understand this that I could talk to.

But the people on the board do. So many similar experiences. So many people that not only listen but support and help you as best they can.

In my case the help has been invaluable.

When my world has been it's darkest and emptiest, this place has always been there for me. Even if it's just to read my ramblings. I have been and always will be grateful for it.

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jc1010

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« Reply #5 on: January 22, 2016, 07:31:53 PM »

This is an awesome thread. I'm so happy i even found this site.  i felt like it could not have been this hard for everybody else who i've talked to in my life who have gone through a break up.

I like how Skip brought up to just let it be. release the anxiety of NC but just know deep down that it is you and you alone who has the power on how you feel and make yourself happy. When i'm feeling good about being done with her (it's honestly up and down... down a lot mostly due to me responding to her "check-ins" ... but when im feeling good about the break up, i look at it as like being in a riptide. If you try to control this crazy, out of control, all over the place situation, you get so tired you end up drowning. But if you let go and just look at in the most positive light (even though its so hard) letting go and detaching and going with the riptide... you might just save yourself. Control is the main thing that is what drives me crazy. like desperately trying to read her and win her back like playing a game of chess... and thats BS it drives me nuts and takes me away from my own trip to happiness. When i play into her game, its like she has power over my life and happiness. Being discarded by her brought me so harshly back to my trauma and its helping me to address issues that have been there long before she came along. I try and look at her new relationship with this yoga dude whos ten years older than her (were in college) as a flame thats going to eventually burn out, this is when i realize im not giving up control. Hey screw it, if she wants to date this fancy mambo yoga old head... go for it, i'm letting go... jesus take the wheel. control gone

I find that mediation, music, and just honestly living and loving your physical health have helped me to let go of this need of control. She ___ed up. you all are compassionate, loving people or you wouldnt be on here so heart broken like myself. and you all are stronger and wiser by goign through this. We all are in this together and can get happy again.

But trust me, i'm no where near being healed, i just have to write this ___ down to remind me how better off i am without her and how much better life is when you let go of the need for control.
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Anez
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« Reply #6 on: January 22, 2016, 07:46:19 PM »

Well said, homefree and JC.

We're all gonna get through this and I think we've all learned how caring and special people we really are. Here we are putting our hearts out there and opening up and helping strangers get through this. That says a lot about all of us and will only help us in future relationships.

i know it will help me.

keep grinding, everyone!
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Rmbrworst
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« Reply #7 on: January 22, 2016, 08:28:21 PM »

People with BPD tend to talk good game, but when it comes down to having a long lasting healthy relationship, it always falls short.

This is very true, too. my ex can text sweet things or say deep things in a text but in person she was always unable to have in-depth conversations about feelings because it gave her anxiety

My exBPD was the same looking back.  Anytime we had a deep conversation in person he would cry.

Why did I think that was normal?

I just thought he was sensitive . . .

He cried constantly . . . I'm not sure why I felt this was normal or okay. 

I've built really amazing friendships for the past decade. I think I've ignored warning signs because I just believe that people are good.  I never thought to look out for anything because . . . why bother?  He was just another amazing person I met.

Well I've realized now I am lucky . . . I really didnt know that people could be this cruel.  I knew . . . but I dont know like I do now.   

I guess that's the lesson.
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Rmbrworst
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« Reply #8 on: January 22, 2016, 08:32:39 PM »

This is an awesome thread. I'm so happy i even found this site.  i felt like it could not have been this hard for everybody else who i've talked to in my life who have gone through a break up.

It's so insane.  I would try to convey to my friends "This isn't a normal breakup, I've been through them before, this feels like I've been traumatized."

They think I'm being sensitive, but it's not that at all . . . I'm actually happy that they do not know this time of emotional pain.  I dont want them to go through this.   

Coming here has been amazing, because you guys/gals know exactly how I feel.  You know how this is way more than just . . . another break up.   

I really enjoyed your whole post.  Welcome. 

I'm so sorry you're going through this.

You have the right mindset very quickly though.

Right now I'm feeling around 70% okay 30% messed up.  I feel good most the time . . . but a thought, a memory, a song . . . something pulls me back, and it can send me into tears again. 

Much love.  I'm feeling for you right now.

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JSF13
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« Reply #9 on: January 22, 2016, 08:52:28 PM »

I think that for myself as a 35 year old guy this break up is the hardest ever for me because for once I felt like someone got me. I have dated a ton, was married once etc. Only once before this have I ever felt such emotional distress in a break up. With my BPDex I felt like YES SOMEONE GETS ME. I know I'm not the easiest person in the world. My life can be intimidating. Normally the spark is not there for me. Only twice in my life can I say I was in love. Both break ups have been very traumatic. This one though is worse. I feel like because I gave all of myself and for it to never be good enough or to constantly be abused just hurt my soul. For the first time in 5 yrs I finally really committed and gave everything I had and I feel like for what? 
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Anez
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« Reply #10 on: January 22, 2016, 09:12:38 PM »

I think that for myself as a 35 year old guy this break up is the hardest ever for me because for once I felt like someone got me. I have dated a ton, was married once etc. Only once before this have I ever felt such emotional distress in a break up. With my BPDex I felt like YES SOMEONE GETS ME. I know I'm not the easiest person in the world. My life can be intimidating. Normally the spark is not there for me. Only twice in my life can I say I was in love. Both break ups have been very traumatic. This one though is worse. I feel like because I gave all of myself and for it to never be good enough or to constantly be abused just hurt my soul. For the first time in 5 yrs I finally really committed and gave everything I had and I feel like for what? 

I'm right there with you, man. Same feelings. And this relationship cost me my marriage. Now I'm just sitting around trying to pick up the pieces.

It's hard but I feel like the info I learned about her today (she's no longer going to therapy) is all I need to push me forward. She's not worth it.

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Rmbrworst
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« Reply #11 on: January 22, 2016, 09:47:49 PM »

I think that for myself as a 35 year old guy this break up is the hardest ever for me because for once I felt like someone got me. I have dated a ton, was married once etc. Only once before this have I ever felt such emotional distress in a break up. With my BPDex I felt like YES SOMEONE GETS ME. I know I'm not the easiest person in the world. My life can be intimidating. Normally the spark is not there for me. Only twice in my life can I say I was in love. Both break ups have been very traumatic. This one though is worse. I feel like because I gave all of myself and for it to never be good enough or to constantly be abused just hurt my soul. For the first time in 5 yrs I finally really committed and gave everything I had and I feel like for what? 

Dude you're going to make me cry.

I am 33, I've been in a few long term relationships and I've dated quite a lot.  The spark is usually never there for me.  With my exBPD, it was there in spades.  He was the only person in my life I wanted to marry.  I connected with him so well.

This is also, the first time in 5 years, I gave everything I had.

And then poof.

He's gone. Like we never happened.

You have no clue how our lives parallel each other's.  Wow

I'm so sad for you right now 
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« Reply #12 on: January 22, 2016, 10:57:33 PM »

It really sucks. I broke NC at Xmas. I luckily kept it together 98.9% of the time when I talked to her. Only when I knew she was lying to me once did I let some emotion show. Asides that I just played the cool card. No sense in letting 2 of us be irrational. I have always hoped she would come back. When we spoke I laid very clear boundaries and said if she would be serious and get equally as proactive about wanting to fix the as I have always been then I would be willing to have her come out here and I would find someone for us to talk to again. The last couples counselor we went to when I initially called was in near tears telling him what we had been going thru. When we met with him he told her that he couldn't believe the love, patience and dedication I had to her and our relationship. It never registered. She never saw it. She would split and nothing would matter. I haven't heard from her since I stood up for myself after her savagely attacking me last Friday. I never lost my cool but wasn't going to be her doormat. I've already spent months being degraded.
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JQ
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« Reply #13 on: January 25, 2016, 03:41:45 AM »

Inez & group,

Reading this post I can relate to many of your experiences and have noticed that each one of you can see similarities in your respectful BPD relationships. All of us can relate to a very traumatic breakup with the BPD and the flood of emotions that come with it. We feel that they, "BPD s/o" are "the one" and are our "soul mate" only to have reality smack us square in the face when they run away or off with someone else. We find it hard to understand why they're doing this because all we were doing was giving them our heart, mind and soul without condition. Because this was the first time for many of us to feel this way it is the hardest to accept and move forward.

During my chaotic relationship with my BPDgf and after she rage against me one time she had told me that her therapist had told her she was BPD. This was new to me so I dove into this BPD world to learn all that I could about it. She invited me to a couple of her therapy sessions in which I learned more then I ever thought I would in such a short period of time. She was explaining something about her "other" bf ... .and the doc asked me what I thought about all of this? I told him that all I wanted was a mutually respectful monogamous relationship ... .he told me that might not ever happen.  I learned a new language of triangulation, projection, gas lighting, devaluation, push / pull among so many other terms & behaviors ... .I did all of this and more to help our relationship. She even told me "you've done all that I've asked of you", none of it seemed to help the relationship but help me understand my own behavior. She had told me her therapist could write a book on all her triangles she has had over the years. Finally after reading,educating and a lot of eye opening therapy about BPD I knew it was time for me to move on without her for so many reasons. She had to become my EXpbdgf ... .it was tough ... .but after 30 days of NC ... .day to day living was so much easier and I was getting back to my old self of laughing, having good times and actually interacting with the opposite sex.

We are codependent or NONs, perfectionist, the Sheriff with the polished badge riding in to save the day or the Knight in Armor protecting our BPD s/o against those who would say or do harm to them. Its our nature to want to try and try again to work harder to make the relationship perfect ... .alas ... .it's not to be. NOTHING in a relationship with someone who has BPD will EVER make sense. BPD is a VERY SERIOUS MENTAL / BEHAVIORAL ILLNESS!  We didn't Cause it! We certainly can't Control it! And we most certainly can't Cure it!  When we accept those three C's of BPD then it is easier for us to accept the end of the relationship and then move forward in our own healing and moving on in our own lives.

JC1010, your new to the group so welcome ... .and in this one post you have learned so much about BPD. I would encourage you to read the references to the right and at the top and learn all that you can about how serious a MENTAL / BEHAVIORAL ILLNESS BPD is.  The trauma or traumas that caused your exBPD to develop BPD happen long before you ever showed up and you'll find that most therapist / Ph.Ds believe they will need a lifetime of therapy and possible meds to assist them in having a "semi normal" life. They will have multiple therapist either of their own choice or the choice of their therapist / doctor because they are just beyond that person ability to give them any more assistance guidance or that they can be mentally wiped out. If a Ph.d & therapist have a difficult time with someone with a mental illness what makes you think that you could do better ... .I know I thought the same way. I will give her all the support and love that others couldn't or wouldn't and show her that I"m worthy of her love. I was uneducated in BPD until I found this site and along with hours of my own therapy and reading and consuming all things BPD I realized that there was NOTHING I would ever be able to do to help her in her mental illness. It was in my own best interest, my own mental and physical well being to move forward in life without her ... .as you have come to learn as well.

We shake our heads and wonder what the hell happened or try to understand why they're behaving the way they are or saying what they're saying. Those with BPD mental / behavioral illness are stunted in their ability to think logically. They think and or behave like that of a three year old ... .and if you've ever spent anytime with a 3 year old you know that whatever they're doing makes perfect sense to them. If they don't get their way they act out or rage like that toddler in a grocery store when they scream because you refuse to give them a toy. There is evidence to show that the brain is physically stunted not growing to full capacity or ability and they will forever behave like a 3 year old at times. If you chose to be in a relationship with BPD you're always going to have to be the adult in the relationship. As you said, JC1010, "If you try to control this crazy, out of control, all over the place situation, you get so tired you end up drowning." The fact of the matter is that you will NEVER control the crazy, out of control behavior. Remember the 2nd C? YOU can't Control BPD!  You ... .we all had to learn about this new language of BPD and how to speak to them so as not to throw them into a rage or act out ... .but nothing we said or didn't say ever made a difference.

BPD is a very complex mental illness for those who have it. Do they feel love? I believe they do. But they also feel an incredible amount of guilt, shame, negative thoughts from events that happen long before you showed up in their life ... .and they feel those same feelings when they have affairs or rage, or do so many other things they have done to us. But it is beyond their control to really change their behavior.  I was once told by a therapist that they felt sad for those who have this mental illness, to know unlike other mental illnesses that they will never be able to be "cured" and their "BPD" life will be forever a life of chaos.

We can learn why we have behaved the way we do and learn what to look for in a relationship and more importantly not to repeat the same BPD relationships ... .but it is up to us to learn. We have to learn OR we are condemned to repeat the same mistakes.

I wish you all continued healing from your experience. I wish you the strength to maintain your NC or NO CONTACT. I wish you peace in your heart and mind in order to find the love, mutually respectful relationship, that you all deserve and want.

JQ

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cj488
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« Reply #14 on: January 25, 2016, 04:09:40 AM »

Cj checking in here. Broke with my BPD gf 15 months ago, and I feel like I've been through a war zone, PTSD, etc. No understands this unless you've been through it; it's pointless to try to explain it to others. I was feeling good some months ago for the first time in a year, and then she starts calling and putting out feelers. I was surprised how much it tears me up. I'm keep NC, thankfully, but it's hard. Thanks for your stories here.
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JQ
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« Reply #15 on: January 25, 2016, 12:01:45 PM »

Cj checking in here. Broke with my BPD gf 15 months ago, and I feel like I've been through a war zone, PTSD, etc. No understands this unless you've been through it; it's pointless to try to explain it to others. I was feeling good some months ago for the first time in a year, and then she starts calling and putting out feelers. I was surprised how much it tears me up. I'm keep NC, thankfully, but it's hard. Thanks for your stories here.

HI CJ,

Stay strong ... .NC is tough ... .but you're though the worst of it as you pointed out that you're feeling better. We all have moments of weakness and thoughts that we should reach out ... .but nothing good can come from that because you'll release the flying monkey's from their cages and the drama and all those bad things you experienced will happen yet again and the process starts all over.

YOU are doing very well ... .when you have those moments of thinking about reaching out to her ... .GET OUT OF YOUR APARTMENT !  Change your scenery ... .go see a movie, go get a really REALLY good burger and a beer or a salad and a glass of water. Get out and walk a mile to burn off the stress! Hell walk 2 miles that'll only take you 30 minutes and really help more then you think. Call up an old friend you haven't talk to in a while and catch up ... .the point is do everything you can to distract your thought process of you exBPDgf.

Everything you think of her, snap a rubber band on your wrist ... .it's a simple means of associating pain with thoughts of her ... .

Remain strong, come back here as often as you need too and recharge your batteries

JQ
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« Reply #16 on: January 25, 2016, 12:15:13 PM »

Jq,

You really nailed it with your post. Im 49 married for 11 years then divorced and then this relationship with pwBPD. I thought this is it i found true love in the beginning. No doubt she had major issues in previous relationships but i thought i could save the day. Theres no saving them at all. I miss and love her deeply but who can keep up with the rages, trust, insecurity and jeoulosy issues forever. It's complete madnesd.
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JQ
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« Reply #17 on: January 25, 2016, 01:58:43 PM »

Jq,

You really nailed it with your post. Im 49 married for 11 years then divorced and then this relationship with pwBPD. I thought this is it i found true love in the beginning. No doubt she had major issues in previous relationships but i thought i could save the day. Theres no saving them at all. I miss and love her deeply but who can keep up with the rages, trust, insecurity and jeoulosy issues forever. It's complete madnesd.

Lexisdad & Group

thank you for the kind words ... .I hope that my words in some small way help you in your search for peace and knowledge.  You're wanting to save the day isn't much different then others here. It's a learned behavior that we learned growing up in the homes we did. In order to fully heal, to really understand how we fall for those with BPD we need to look deep into ourselves and really be honest with ourselves and open eyes of our own family growing up and how their behavior influenced us and our behavior.

It's ok to miss & love them on the surface ... .but we have to know that any deeper will be a lifetime of chaos, pain, hurt and recycle.  We all had a first love ... .we think about them from time to time and we think what if ... .we miss them ... .we learned things from that first relationship and it was an intro to what we thought love was. But looking back at it, do we really want a lifetime with that person ... .probably not. Take this experience of your relationship with someone who is mentally ill with BPD and learn from it to make you a better person ... .to learn to like yourself better. To learn that YOU are responsible for yourself and YOUR happiness and not someone else.

Learn that a mutually respectful relationship is, one that is not one sided. One that doesn't cause you to have chest pains, anxiety, sleepless nights, gain weight, lose weight. Learn that no relationship will be easy but one that is healthy mentally and physically will give you the love and friendship that you all want & deserve.

A good book to read and learn about why you might be attracted to someone who is BPD is "The Human Magnet Syndrome". It explains how a codependent and someone who is mentally ill with BPD are complete opposites on the behavioral spectrum ... .and like magnets opposites attract. BUT, it will be a life full of chaos, pain, suffering never to really develop into what we all want. You can find it at your local library or online cheaply ... .it's only a suggestion. It's another tool in the box to help you heal and learn.

I learned that my exBPDgf is self aware and has been through several therapist & Ph.d's over 25 years ... .if they couldn't help her & her tormented mind how the hell was I going to do it ... .maybe it's the saying we all know and believed at one time ... ."Love conquers All" ... .BPD is a mental illness that no amount of love & devotion will conquer.

Lexidad, I'm north of 50 & I had my first experience with a BPDgf 25 years ago and thought I head learned a valuable lesson ... .I forgot that lesson and had to relearn it again recently ... .back then I thought she was just Batsh!t crazy and got out when the getting was good ... .this time around I learned about BPD mental illness. I learned about being a codependent ... .I learned to say NO to the mental, emotional and physical abuse ... .I learned that I couldn't Cure her no matter how much I loved her ... .I learned that it was ok to put myself first ... .I learned it was ok that her flying monkey's were her's to cage NOT mine.  I've learned so many things this time around and hope that some of what I put out in these forums helps in some small way for others to heal and learn from their BPD experience. Everyday is a chance to learn something new for me and I welcome those opportunities.

Stay strong on each of your journeys of self healing and your hunt for knowledge.

JQ

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Anez
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« Reply #18 on: January 25, 2016, 02:19:45 PM »

Thanks for your words, JQ. Very well said. And that book sounds like a good one.

I work with my ex and have to see her briefly from time to time. Like just now when I bumped into her outside of the restrooms. She loves to eat her lunch with friends in the lounge near my desk where I get to hear her laughing it up.

I've been working on myself with a T every week and trying to get stronger and not be so affected by hearing her voice or seeing her each day. I'm now feeling like I see the whole picture a little better. She's not getting therapy anymore, which says a lot about her. And I know relationships with people with BPD, for the most part, never go well. And that's not what I want in my life. I want something good and awesome that will last.

So while I still feel some pain when I see her or hear her I know my brain is slowly re-wiring itself and over time she will be a distant memory of a time in my life when things went a little off the rails - my relationship with her cost me my marriage and threw my life upside down for the past 18 months.

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« Reply #19 on: January 25, 2016, 02:52:24 PM »

I'm hearing her now as she laughs it up while eating lunch with her friends near my desk. Working with her sucks but there's nothing I can do about it. I just have to keep working on myself and keep telling myself the bad things she did to me.

i really want my brain to hurry up and re-wire itself already!
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« Reply #20 on: January 25, 2016, 03:43:13 PM »

Jq,

Thanks for the encouragement. Quick recap of my story. 11 years ago my daughter was born healthy. Due to a medical malpractice/negligence left her with severe brain damage. The stress of this caused my marriage to erode and divorce was the result. My ex wife and i are still best of freinds. My pwBPD came into my life at a very dark time. The love, care and compassion that she showed my daughter was immeasurable. I feel now that the relationship is over it may be hard to find another woman to fill her shoes. She often would tell me you will never find another woman who loves your daughter like i do. I may or may not but i so often told her for the times that i have her your great but you treat me like s--t every other day. So yes i do have bitterness towards her because i feel she not only abandoned me but this precious innocent little girl. I would often tell her as a father besides losing a child this is the next worse thing to have a child that is a quadriplegic and will never be able to talk.It didn't matter it was all about her not what ive had on my plate for 11 years. My daughters birthday is this weekend and she keeps asking to see her for her birthday. Not gonna happen i have 2 hearts to protect. She is a heartless woman in my eyes after all i was willing to do.   Trying to stay strong! 
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« Reply #21 on: January 25, 2016, 04:41:52 PM »

Man, that is tough Lexisdad.

Just keep thinking of the bad things she did to you and let those take down the fantasy of her.

stay strong, you sound like a great dad and deserve only the best.
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« Reply #22 on: January 25, 2016, 05:05:48 PM »

Jq,

Thanks for the encouragement. Quick recap of my story. 11 years ago my daughter was born healthy. Due to a medical malpractice/negligence left her with severe brain damage. The stress of this caused my marriage to erode and divorce was the result. My ex wife and i are still best of freinds. My pwBPD came into my life at a very dark time. The love, care and compassion that she showed my daughter was immeasurable. I feel now that the relationship is over it may be hard to find another woman to fill her shoes. She often would tell me you will never find another woman who loves your daughter like i do. I may or may not but i so often told her for the times that i have her your great but you treat me like s--t every other day. So yes i do have bitterness towards her because i feel she not only abandoned me but this precious innocent little girl. I would often tell her as a father besides losing a child this is the next worse thing to have a child that is a quadriplegic and will never be able to talk.It didn't matter it was all about her not what ive had on my plate for 11 years. My daughters birthday is this weekend and she keeps asking to see her for her birthday. Not gonna happen i have 2 hearts to protect. She is a heartless woman in my eyes after all i was willing to do.   Trying to stay strong! 

Lexisdad,

I'm so sorry to hear the loss of your marriage and the medical conditions that your daughter suffered at the hands of another. My brother died at the age of 40 from medical malpractice and left 2 boys behind. It's tough I can't imagine what you must go through on a daily basis.

You said, "She often would tell me you will never find another woman who loves your daughter like i do."  This is her Narcissistic behavior coming through. How arrogant on her part to say such a thing ... .it's like when they tell us ... ."You'll never find someone who will love you the way I do".  Pure Narcissistic at it's worse and to be ignored. 

I have no doubt that given a little more time to learn and heal yourself that you'll find the most wonderful caring, loving woman to share not only your life with but your daughters life as well. You are an amazing man and father and when the time is right ... .when you least expect it you'll turn around and she'll be there much to your surprise.  

Come back as often as you need to and share what your thinking ... .it's therapeutic at times. 

I truly wish your daughter a very happy birthday this weekend and many more to come.

JQ
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« Reply #23 on: January 25, 2016, 05:17:32 PM »

Anez thank you

One of the biggest issues i faced was that i still had a good relationship with my exwife. This is a situation where my pwBPD has met my ex wife. My ex wife adored her and knew the care and love she showed our daughter. She let me and my pwBPD take my daughter on 5 week long vacations thru the relationship. She accused me all the time of still having sex with my ex wife who is remarried.

Any conversations i had with my ex wife are very cordial. We have had to sit in hospital rooms together for the past 11 years as complications constantly arise with my daughter. My pwBPD would become insanely irate that i could treat my ex wife so well. I'm not a s----g im a caring compassionate person. As much as im devestated over my daughter my ex wife takes amazing care of this little angel 24/7. I would tell my pwBPD it's not like i can call my daughter up and speak to her like your son's father can. It just did not matter. You would think that being in a relationship with a divorced father she would welcome no " mama drama". Her son's father and her have hardly any contact and i can now understand why. This BPD did not manifest with me that poor guy seems shell shocked any time he s around her.
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« Reply #24 on: January 25, 2016, 05:29:48 PM »

Jq,

Thank you so much and condolences to you on your loss. The hard part is it's all a very bitter pill to swallow. I never played the sympathy card with her at all. I would tell her so often i'm not some loser and i'm not looking for pity. I told her when i first started dating her that i would treat her the way i would want a man to treat my daughter and lived by those words. I work in law enforcement and have surely seen my share of tragedies in life and of course we never think it can happen to us.

The hardest part is for the past 6 years for my daughters birthday we have had a birthday party at my pwBPD s mothers house. I have one brother who does not live in the area. She has a very large family and they all were amazing and doted and loved this little girl so much. Well needless to say there is no party this year but i plan on taking my daughter to a little girls spa for manicure/ pedicure and hair done. My ex pwBPD is trying to see her on her birthday and as much as i want to let her because my daughter gets so excited seeing her im going to have to decline. She made the wine she can drink the cup!
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« Reply #25 on: January 25, 2016, 05:44:52 PM »

Jq,

She often would tell me you will never find another woman who loves your daughter like i do. 

My ex told me I will never find another love like hers. I find it so strange that for such conflicted people who have not treated us so poorly

why do they think statements like that are so true.
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« Reply #26 on: January 25, 2016, 05:47:56 PM »

Since this is a no contact thread as we speak the woman who told me she " hated" me so often is texting me!  After 7 weeks you would think she would move on!
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« Reply #27 on: January 25, 2016, 05:52:37 PM »

Me ex told me she had to work on herself and work with her therapist to make relationships mean more to her in the future.

now she's no longer doing therapy. and i doubt she fixed her problems.

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« Reply #28 on: January 25, 2016, 06:19:45 PM »

Mine was diagnosed as bipolar and prescribed lamictal. Since the breakup she s cured of her bipolar and no longer on lamictal! Wow talk about miracles!
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« Reply #29 on: January 25, 2016, 06:22:43 PM »

This thread is so honest. We give these relationships all of this good pure love just like you hear about in songs and they just stomp on our hearts at the end, that is why it's so hard to go forward. I don't think I have ever broken up with someone without looking back and discussing the reasons why it did not work, just so they could have that information or a chance to repair it. I am a lady after all with manners. Mine used his smartphone to end it, real brave and gentlemanlike. I never realized that I married a coward,  (a creature even albeit a parasite) but I did.
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« Reply #30 on: January 25, 2016, 06:29:44 PM »

Mine was diagnosed as bipolar and prescribed lamictal. Since the breakup she s cured of her bipolar and no longer on lamictal! Wow talk about miracles!

Hahahaha amazing! A miracle indeed!
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« Reply #31 on: January 25, 2016, 06:41:28 PM »

Lady lee,

You are a lady with manners and most of us here are people with manners and values. I know in the end we will all realize how bad we were really treated. When all is said and done we will all be able to hold our heads high and look at ourselves in the mirror and realize we were really good to these people with BPD. Do you think that a person with BPD can ever do that with their chameleon like behavior and actually feel really good about how they treated us all? I sure hope not. Stay strong we've all walked 10 miles in each others shoes here.
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« Reply #32 on: January 25, 2016, 06:41:49 PM »

This thread is so honest. We give these relationships all of this good pure love just like you hear about in songs and they just stomp on our hearts at the end, that is why it's so hard to go forward. I don't think I have ever broken up with someone without looking back and discussing the reasons why it did not work, just so they could have that information or a chance to repair it. I am a lady after all with manners. Mine used his smartphone to end it, real brave and gentlemanlike. I never realized that I married a coward,  (a creature even albeit a parasite) but I did.

Man, he does sound like a coward and a child. These people have the mental makeup of an 8 year old. Sorry you went through that, ladylee.

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« Reply #33 on: January 25, 2016, 07:00:27 PM »

Hey Group,

Remember first and foremost that BPD is a VERY serious mental / behavioral illness that YOU can't Control & YOU can't Cure.  Those with BPD can be in part Narcissistic and make statements like, "You will never find another woman that will love you as much as I love you".  It's an arrogant statement from someone who is mentally ill, take NO stock in statements like this ... .nothing good will come from it. It means nothing so let it go in order for you to continue your healthy journey of healing.

Lexisdad, I can tell you from personal experience that my first exBPDgf from 20 years ago has recently popped back into my life after nearly 18 1/2 years of NC. She wiggled her way into my BPD mother & BPD sister life in order to gain information on me. The exBPDgf somehow obtained my cell phone number and neither my mother or sister will own up to given it to her. SO I've had to block her from trying to text me and or call me. I have gone NC with my BPD sister and I have very limited contact / conversation with my BPD mother.

It's good to know the you and your ex still have a decent relationship in regards to your daughter ... .I respect that. As far as the exBPDgf and wanting to come to the Birthday party ... .brother that's a tough call. I have no doubt that your daughter would appreciate the visit ... .BUT I certainly have NO doubt that giving the chance she would set her flying monkey's loose to rage havoc and chaos on you. YOU are an awesome dad to take her out for mani/pedi !

In regards to my most recent exBPDgf, I have not heard from her but knew she was sniping my FB page so I went through and locked it down. We shared mutual friends and I had to check the box to share my post with "ONLY FRIENDS" & not "Friends of friends" and I would suggest to each one of you to do the same.

Lexisdad you're a law enforcement officer ... .I know that being in that field has and continues to be a difficult thing to do everyday. I want to thank YOU for your service to the community and thank your family for their sacrifice watching you go out to the front lines each and everyday.  Would it surprise you to learn that a lot of codependents aka NONs have employment in the law enforcement, military, doctors, nurses, counselors, mental health therapist ... .I myself spent 30 years in the military. We are by definition of being a codependent the Sheriff with the white hat, the Knight in Armor wanting to save those from others or from most likely themselves. We want to protect those who can't protect themselves ... .it's who we are at our core. Therapy helped me deal with not only my BPD relationship of my mom, sister & exBPDgf, but my own PTSD issue and the "new normal" from a physical injury I received 2 yrs prior to retirement. I learned that asking for that kind of help isn't a sign of weakness but a great sign of strength and would encourage others to explore it.

For those who haven't learned about some BPD mental / behavior illness, they have a SEVERE fear of abandonment and they lash out or rage when they believe in their warp recesses of their mind that you're sleeping with someone other then them. They will NEVER stop reaching out to you, my 1st exBPDgf from 20 years ago is proof of this by recently reaching out texting and calling me. They will never move on ... .they suffer from a mental illness that warps their thinking that knows no time limits. They're flying monkey's never die ... .they only get older and still able to fly and cause chaos and havoc when the BPD opens up their cages.

But the one thing everyone has in common on this thread is we're all recovering codependents who have chosen to move forward in our lives without the chaos of our EX-BPD s/o.  Baby steps ... .continue forward with baby steps ... .

JQ
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« Reply #34 on: January 25, 2016, 07:18:27 PM »

Jq,

Thanks for the kudos. Just to clarify there is no party. Just me taking my daughter out for a girly day. She really has diminished cognitive skills so doesnt realize presents. However she does recognize people she s comfortable with and my BPDex is one of them. She can hardly contain herself when she see's her. My ex BPDgf wants to meet us at the spa and as much as i'd like to i'm really hurt. 6 weeks ago she was getting pregnant and engaged and ended it and walked away. Im beyond pissed and hurt and like i told her she has either or will move on with someone. I'm thankful for the love and compassion she gave my daughter but she's my daughter not hers and i don't think another man would accept her still being in contact and visiting with us for the sake of my daughter.I know she painted me black to her son as he has not reached out to me at all. I'm sure i was cheating and got caught is how i was portrayed to him and her family.

I know that she will miss my daughter deeply as the bond was immeasurable but she chose to walk that path away from us and i refuse to let her be used as leverage. She ended it 7 weeks ago but still can't fully let me go. Its a vicious cycle we are subjected to but like you said we need to realize first and foremost this is a mental illness. We can second guess ourselves all we want but no matter what we did we would be in the same predicament.
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« Reply #35 on: January 25, 2016, 07:25:15 PM »

This thread is so honest. We give these relationships all of this good pure love just like you hear about in songs and they just stomp on our hearts at the end, that is why it's so hard to go forward. I don't think I have ever broken up with someone without looking back and discussing the reasons why it did not work, just so they could have that information or a chance to repair it. I am a lady after all with manners. Mine used his smartphone to end it, real brave and gentlemanlike. I never realized that I married a coward,  (a creature even albeit a parasite) but I did.

Man, he does sound like a coward and a child. These people have the mental makeup of an 8 year old. Sorry you went through that, ladylee.

Group,

Those who suffer from BPD are indeed mentally stunted and have the behavior of a 3 yr old toddler. If you've ever spent anytime with a 3 yr toddler as I have on more then one occasion, ask a 3 yr old why they did what they did or said and they will give you the most elaborate answer that makes ABSOLUTELY NO FREAKING SENSE to you but to them it's all good. There is evidence to suggest that because of the emotional, mental, and physical abuse / trauma they suffered as a child they developed survival skills to cope with those things ... .they went to their "happy place" to survive. There is evidence to show that their brain is actually physically stunted in growth due to this trauma so they that all the neurons aren't even there to fire and reasonably & logically think through a situation. Its the reason that they will never be healed of this mental illness they have.

They feel an incredible amount of shame for what happen to them, not speaking up to someone or possibly threaten with their life if they did so they were subject to the abuse over and over again. They don't want to feel abandon ... .so they the BPD never really says good bye. In part that's why they have the triangle they do ... .if they start to feel engulfment from one person or rage against them or the first person has had enough of the crazy train roller coaster ride ... .they have the "replacement" ready on standby to engage yet again. This is the cycle they have always known ... .this is the life they have always known.

I don't hate my exBPDgf for the pain, mental, emotional abuse she inflected on me, I don't wish her harm or a bad life ... .in fact in the comfort of my home when I was ready in my own heart and mind I told her, "I wish you a long life full of good health both mentally and physical ... .I wish for you happiness that you so much deserve and I truly hope that you find. But it will be without me".  I did NOT actually tell her that because that would mean breaking NC ... .I actually said it out loud ... .it was a way for me to say good bye to her ... .to close this chapter in my life and move forward without her and continue my own healing and find someone who I could have a mutually respectful, honest, caring and loving relationship that we all want.

JQ
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« Reply #36 on: January 25, 2016, 07:56:19 PM »

My ex w BPD never reaches out to me. She does the opposite and never reaches out but she responds to texts in a nice way but I'm done texting her.

We see each other at work and are cordial but besides that she's totally written me out of her life, which is for the best but has been hard to accept given our history and what I gave up for her - my marriage.

Good times.
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« Reply #37 on: January 26, 2016, 09:58:29 AM »

Jq,

Thanks for the kudos. Just to clarify there is no party. Just me taking my daughter out for a girly day. She really has diminished cognitive skills so doesnt realize presents. However she does recognize people she s comfortable with and my BPDex is one of them. She can hardly contain herself when she see's her. My ex BPDgf wants to meet us at the spa and as much as i'd like to i'm really hurt. 6 weeks ago she was getting pregnant and engaged and ended it and walked away. Im beyond pissed and hurt and like i told her she has either or will move on with someone. I'm thankful for the love and compassion she gave my daughter but she's my daughter not hers and i don't think another man would accept her still being in contact and visiting with us for the sake of my daughter.I know she painted me black to her son as he has not reached out to me at all. I'm sure i was cheating and got caught is how i was portrayed to him and her family.

I know that she will miss my daughter deeply as the bond was immeasurable but she chose to walk that path away from us and i refuse to let her be used as leverage. She ended it 7 weeks ago but still can't fully let me go. Its a vicious cycle we are subjected to but like you said we need to realize first and foremost this is a mental illness. We can second guess ourselves all we want but no matter what we did we would be in the same predicament.

Everyone i'm really looking for some advice. Ex BPDgf again texts me today about daughters bday on Sunday. She wants to meet us at the spa. I beleive in my heart she s as done with this relationship as i am but like i said she still feels need to text. I'm really just starting to get to my healing stage and i'm afraid just being in her company is gonna reopen my scabs.

Just looking to get some advice to help me make a decision.
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« Reply #38 on: January 26, 2016, 10:20:24 AM »

Jq,

Thanks for the kudos. Just to clarify there is no party. Just me taking my daughter out for a girly day. She really has diminished cognitive skills so doesnt realize presents. However she does recognize people she s comfortable with and my BPDex is one of them. She can hardly contain herself when she see's her. My ex BPDgf wants to meet us at the spa and as much as i'd like to i'm really hurt. 6 weeks ago she was getting pregnant and engaged and ended it and walked away. Im beyond pissed and hurt and like i told her she has either or will move on with someone. I'm thankful for the love and compassion she gave my daughter but she's my daughter not hers and i don't think another man would accept her still being in contact and visiting with us for the sake of my daughter.I know she painted me black to her son as he has not reached out to me at all. I'm sure i was cheating and got caught is how i was portrayed to him and her family.

I know that she will miss my daughter deeply as the bond was immeasurable but she chose to walk that path away from us and i refuse to let her be used as leverage. She ended it 7 weeks ago but still can't fully let me go. Its a vicious cycle we are subjected to but like you said we need to realize first and foremost this is a mental illness. We can second guess ourselves all we want but no matter what we did we would be in the same predicament.

Everyone i'm really looking for some advice. Ex BPDgf again texts me today about daughters bday on Sunday. She wants to meet us at the spa. I beleive in my heart she s as done with this relationship as i am but like i said she still feels need to text. I'm really just starting to get to my healing stage and i'm afraid just being in her company is gonna reopen my scabs.

Just looking to get some advice to help me make a decision.

I see my ex every day at work and every day it re-opens scabs. I think that if you're in your healing stage you should continue on that path and not invite her. It sounds like only pain will come from seeing her, which is normal. so if you can avoid that pain I would.

Do what feels right for you and your daughter. And then celebrate the heck out of your daughter's birthday. Have a great day with her.
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« Reply #39 on: January 26, 2016, 10:20:35 AM »

Everyone i'm really looking for some advice. Ex BPDgf again texts me today about daughters bday on Sunday. She wants to meet us at the spa. I beleive in my heart she s as done with this relationship as i am but like i said she still feels need to text. I'm really just starting to get to my healing stage and i'm afraid just being in her company is gonna reopen my scabs.

Just looking to get some advice to help me make a decision. [/quote]
LD.

It sounds as if you've made your choice already, you're just looking for approval for it. In My Humble Opinion, you don't need our or anyone elses approval to do what you feel is right for you.   I certainly agree with your statement that being in the same room is going to open up old scars, but would also anticipate her to make some new cuts that will take even longer to heal.

If YOU believe in your heart that YOU are done with the relationship, then YOU need to take baby steps forward to separate yourself from her and being in situations with her. If YOU truly believe it's over with and that YOU need to heal from everything bad that comes with someone who has BPD, then YOU move forward with those things that will help with that. If that means telling her no on the spa gig, then do it.

I remember you saying that your daughter has diminished cognitive skills, it's a tough call ... .but in the end ... .will she miss the exBPD if she doesn't even know she's not there?  She will notice how sad you are, how your mood has changed if exBPD does come and that'll last a lot longer then an afternoon with the exBPDgf.  

At some point you need to start to heal yourself ... .and tell yourself it's ok to take care of your needs too. You need to be of sound mind and body in order to help your daughter ... .this to me seems to be the firsts step in that process.

If that is your choice ... .then move forward with NC, block her number to avoid text & calls ... .IMHO.

I wish you peace & strength in your journey brother.

JQ
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« Reply #40 on: January 26, 2016, 10:23:32 AM »

This is a very difficult one, Lexisdad. It sounds like she is having a lot of anxiety over your daughters birthday. If I were you, I might say no to the bday meeting at the spa, but yes to another, less fraught day (perhaps a week after the bday). That might lessen the intensity of the meeting if there is one. Good luck-- it sounds like you are navigating this very well.


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« Reply #41 on: January 26, 2016, 10:26:17 AM »

Hi group!

Day 5 NC, day 12 DNR, RWG. The mornings are still tough when I don't see a text from her-- it still is a bad surprise . But I made it through yesterday without checking social media, and hopefully I will today as well! Fingers crossed. I had a good day yesterday-- worked, saw a friend, took care of stuff. Today I'll try to exercise more!
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« Reply #42 on: January 26, 2016, 10:53:05 AM »

Hi group!

Day 5 NC, day 12 DNR, RWG. The mornings are still tough when I don't see a text from her-- it still is a bad surprise . But I made it through yesterday without checking social media, and hopefully I will today as well! Fingers crossed. I had a good day yesterday-- worked, saw a friend, took care of stuff. Today I'll try to exercise more!

Good work, kc. stay away from that social media! only do things that will make you feel good. keep it up!
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« Reply #43 on: January 26, 2016, 11:02:21 AM »

Hi group!

Day 5 NC, day 12 DNR, RWG. The mornings are still tough when I don't see a text from her-- it still is a bad surprise . But I made it through yesterday without checking social media, and hopefully I will today as well! Fingers crossed. I had a good day yesterday-- worked, saw a friend, took care of stuff. Today I'll try to exercise more!

Hi KC,

You're doing good ... .the first week is certainly tough ... .but baby steps ... .keep up with the NC!  I think you going to exercise more today is an EXCELLENT idea!  Nothing like some good endorphins running around your body to make you feel better!  Working off the stress so you can sleep better.  Lock down your FB because she's more then likely sniping you, go in and tab the "friends" tab vise "friends of friends" so she doesn't see what you're doing in your life.

I think seeing the friend is a GREAT idea as well. Talk to another one today ... .call or make arrangements to go get a salad in a glass of water or a beer in a burger ... .but YOU are doing so well.

JQ
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Anez
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« Reply #44 on: January 26, 2016, 11:26:59 AM »

I need a pep talk today, guys. I'm doing pretty good overall but seeing and hearing her at work - as I'll likely do in a little bit - still affects me. And I found myself thinking of her a lot last night. Tho i was good over the weekend.

JQ ... .I need some inspiration!

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JQ
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« Reply #45 on: January 26, 2016, 11:46:59 AM »

I need a pep talk today, guys. I'm doing pretty good overall but seeing and hearing her at work - as I'll likely do in a little bit - still affects me. And I found myself thinking of her a lot last night. Tho i was good over the weekend.

JQ ... .I need some inspiration!

ANEZ,

Stay strong!  Her weak Jedi mind tricks will not work on you ... .the Force is strong with you!  Ok, some humor does good things for a different frame of mind    If that doesn't work snap the hell out of the rubber band on the inside of your write to inflict as much pain as you can when you think of her ... .  Thought

Take a deep breath  ... .I know it's tough working in the same place. This is going to be the challenge before you ... .to be a bigger person and NOT let her get to you. REMEMBER BPD IS A VERY SERIOUS MENTAL ILLNESS ,,, NOTHING good will come from interaction with her. Jump on your phone and call a buddy a friend ... .a friend who is a girl ... .call and talk to the call center for one of the presidential candidates ... .tell them you're undecided and they'll talk your ear off.  Laugh on the phone ... .DON'T LOOK AT HER! 

She's thinking she's in control of YOU & your world ... .NOTHING COULD BE FURTHER FROM THE TRUTH!  YOU AND ONLY YOU ARE IN CONTROL OF YOU AND YOUR WORLD! 

You got this!  You got this!  Let me know how that phone call goes to the Bernie campaign ... .LOL 

JQ
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Lexisdad
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« Reply #46 on: January 26, 2016, 11:48:23 AM »

Thank you everyone for the advice. At this point i wouldn't even no what to converse with her about. Certainly she beleives she did nothing wrong in the relationship so that's a moot point. At this point what she does in her life is her business and likewise for mine. With that in mind i've decided that it would not be a good situation. I'm still deeply in love with this woman and i need to heal and surely being in her presence will set me back again. Thank you everyone
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Anez
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« Reply #47 on: January 26, 2016, 12:01:18 PM »

I need a pep talk today, guys. I'm doing pretty good overall but seeing and hearing her at work - as I'll likely do in a little bit - still affects me. And I found myself thinking of her a lot last night. Tho i was good over the weekend.

JQ ... .I need some inspiration!

ANEZ,

Stay strong~!  Her weak Jedi mind tricks will not work on you ... .the Force is strong with you~!  Ok, some humor does good things for a different frame of mind  Smiling (click to insert in post)  If that doesn't work snap the hell out of the rubber band on the inside of your write to inflict as much pain as you can when you think of her ... .  Thought

Take a deep breath  ... .I know it's tough working in the same place. This is going to be the challenge before you ... .to be a bigger person and NOT let her get to you. REMEMBER BPD IS A VERY SERIOUS MENTAL ILLNESS ,,, NOTHING good will come from interaction with her. Jump on your phone and call a buddy a friend ... .a friend who is a girl ... .call and talk to the call center for one of the presidential candidates ... .tell them you're undecided and they'll talk your ear off.  Laugh on the phone ... .DON'T LOOK AT HER~! 

She's thinking she's in control of YOU & your world ... .NOTHING COULD BE FURTHER FROM THE TRUTH~!  YOU AND ONLY YOU ARE IN CONTROL OF YOU AND YOUR WORLD~! 

You got this~!  You got this~!  Let me know how that phone call goes to the Bernie campaign ... .LOL 

JQ

thanks, JQ! Humor is key. Now i'm off to make that call!

Thank you very much, tho. I needed that. I'm in control of my world. not her.
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Anez
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« Reply #48 on: January 26, 2016, 12:02:24 PM »

Thank you everyone for the advice. At this point i wouldn't even no what to converse with her about. Certainly she beleives she did nothing wrong in the relationship so that's a moot point. At this point what she does in her life is her business and likewise for mine. With that in mind i've decided that it would not be a good situation. I'm still deeply in love with this woman and i need to heal and surely being in her presence will set me back again. Thank you everyone

You're very welcome. It's the right move. It's a hard one, sure, because I know how are feelings can be toward these women. But it's the right move for you.
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Penelope35
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« Reply #49 on: January 26, 2016, 12:05:31 PM »

I know that she will miss my daughter deeply as the bond was immeasurable but she chose to walk that path away from us and i refuse to let her be used as leverage. She ended it 7 weeks ago but still can't fully let me go. Its a vicious cycle we are subjected to but like you said we need to realize first and foremost this is a mental illness. We can second guess ourselves all we want but no matter what we did we would be in the same predicament.

Lexisdad you sound like a very responsible and loving dad which is great. I think in your decision about letting your ex visit your daughter you should first of all consider your daughter's well being (I know you do). We know this woman has BPD so we know that she will moat probably come and go into your life. However, I don't think she should be allowed to come and go into your daughter's life as well. If that was a normal relationship and a normal break up where the other person is balanced and you know that no matter what cause you two to break up she could still be responsible enough to hold a stable contact with your child then i am sure you would have allowed it with not a lot of thinking. In the case of our BPD exs we know they are neither balanced nor responsible. We know their feelings change within minutes and their behavior changes accordingly. You know your ex better but if this is the case with your ex too if i was in your place I wouldn't allow her to keep contact with my child either. I wouldn't consider her responsible enough. What will happen if your daughter needs her at some point (you said she doesn't speak but i don't know if she uses some other kind of communication) amd she is not there anymore because she has moved on with your replacement and painted you black? Can you count on her that she will be there?
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JQ
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« Reply #50 on: January 26, 2016, 12:15:30 PM »

Thank you everyone for the advice. At this point i wouldn't even no what to converse with her about. Certainly she beleives she did nothing wrong in the relationship so that's a moot point. At this point what she does in her life is her business and likewise for mine. With that in mind i've decided that it would not be a good situation. I'm still deeply in love with this woman and i need to heal and surely being in her presence will set me back again. Thank you everyone

LD,

You're a very good man ... .you're even a better dad!  You looked at the evidence before you ... .you fairly judged the situation and what would be good not only for your daughter ... .but what would be GOOD for YOU!  You made the decision as difficult as it was ... .I would expect nothing less from an officer of the law.  IMHO you made the right choice ... .you took the step in the right direction to start the process of healing and moving on in life!

Take a deep breath ... .focus on you ... .things are going to get better ... .stay strong Officer LD!

JQ
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Lexisdad
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« Reply #51 on: January 26, 2016, 12:27:44 PM »

Penelope,

She is non verbal and does not use a communicative device. My daughter can sense when situations are tense and they tone up. My ex did punch me in the face on 2 occasions both in front of my daughter and her son but of course not in public. Over the years my daughter has been hospitalized numerous times and my ex would never visit because my ex wife would be there.

I dealt with the dyllusional jeoulosy on such a constant basis i wouldnt wanna be accused of something again this weekend. She was no doubt great to my daughter but not to me.
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Anez
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« Reply #52 on: January 26, 2016, 03:16:37 PM »

I need a pep talk today, guys. I'm doing pretty good overall but seeing and hearing her at work - as I'll likely do in a little bit - still affects me. And I found myself thinking of her a lot last night. Tho i was good over the weekend.

JQ ... .I need some inspiration!

ANEZ,

Stay strong~!  Her weak Jedi mind tricks will not work on you ... .the Force is strong with you~!  Ok, some humor does good things for a different frame of mind  Smiling (click to insert in post)  If that doesn't work snap the hell out of the rubber band on the inside of your write to inflict as much pain as you can when you think of her ... .  Thought

Take a deep breath  ... .I know it's tough working in the same place. This is going to be the challenge before you ... .to be a bigger person and NOT let her get to you. REMEMBER BPD IS A VERY SERIOUS MENTAL ILLNESS ,,, NOTHING good will come from interaction with her. Jump on your phone and call a buddy a friend ... .a friend who is a girl ... .call and talk to the call center for one of the presidential candidates ... .tell them you're undecided and they'll talk your ear off.  Laugh on the phone ... .DON'T LOOK AT HER~! 

She's thinking she's in control of YOU & your world ... .NOTHING COULD BE FURTHER FROM THE TRUTH~!  YOU AND ONLY YOU ARE IN CONTROL OF YOU AND YOUR WORLD~! 

You got this~!  You got this~!  Let me know how that phone call goes to the Bernie campaign ... .LOL 

JQ

Thanks again for this, JQ. Just re-read it when I heard her laughing it up at lunch near my desk. I popped in my earbuds, fired up my favorite podcast, reached out to a friend via facebook messenger and I'm doing better.

I'm in control of my world!
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Penelope35
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« Reply #53 on: January 26, 2016, 03:43:13 PM »

Penelope,

She is non verbal and does not use a communicative device. My daughter can sense when situations are tense and they tone up. My ex did punch me in the face on 2 occasions both in front of my daughter and her son but of course not in public. Over the years my daughter has been hospitalized numerous times and my ex would never visit because my ex wife would be there.

I dealt with the dyllusional jeoulosy on such a constant basis i wouldnt wanna be accused of something again this weekend. She was no doubt great to my daughter but not to me.

Good for you! Smiling (click to insert in post)
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JQ
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« Reply #54 on: January 26, 2016, 04:34:32 PM »

I need a pep talk today, guys. I'm doing pretty good overall but seeing and hearing her at work - as I'll likely do in a little bit - still affects me. And I found myself thinking of her a lot last night. Tho i was good over the weekend.

JQ ... .I need some inspiration!

ANEZ,

Stay strong!  Her weak Jedi mind tricks will not work on you ... .the Force is strong with you!  Ok, some humor does good things for a different frame of mind    If that doesn't work snap the hell out of the rubber band on the inside of your write to inflict as much pain as you can when you think of her ... .  Thought

Take a deep breath  ... .I know it's tough working in the same place. This is going to be the challenge before you ... .to be a bigger person and NOT let her get to you. REMEMBER BPD IS A VERY SERIOUS MENTAL ILLNESS ,,, NOTHING good will come from interaction with her. Jump on your phone and call a buddy a friend ... .a friend who is a girl ... .call and talk to the call center for one of the presidential candidates ... .tell them you're undecided and they'll talk your ear off.  Laugh on the phone ... .DON'T LOOK AT HER! 

She's thinking she's in control of YOU & your world ... .NOTHING COULD BE FURTHER FROM THE TRUTH!  YOU AND ONLY YOU ARE IN CONTROL OF YOU AND YOUR WORLD! 

You got this!  You got this!  Let me know how that phone call goes to the Bernie campaign ... .LOL 

JQ

Thanks again for this, JQ. Just re-read it when I heard her laughing it up at lunch near my desk. I popped in my earbuds, fired up my favorite podcast, reached out to a friend via facebook messenger and I'm doing better.

I'm in control of my world!

ANEZ,

See you got this!  Excellent work popping in the ear buds and reaching out to a FB buddy!   hmmm Strong in the mind & will you are ... .Master Yoda would be proud.   Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)   Keep a positive attitude helps with a positive mind!  Never forget ... .YOU are the only one in control of YOUR world!  Put it on a sticky & put it on the mirror at home, somewhere in your cube at work, on the car visor to constantly remind you ... .while your at it ... .put the 3 C's on there too!

Now enjoy the rest of your day ! 

JQ
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kc sunshine
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« Reply #55 on: January 26, 2016, 07:16:46 PM »

You guys are GREAT!

Thanks for the social media encouragement! So far so good! And it's not even her social media (she's not on any-- I've always wondered why... .is it too public for her?) Anyway, so the person who's social media I'd be checking is my replacement... .that wouldn't be any fun, would it? Just misery and who needs it?

I love the image of you, Anez, popping in your earphones and laughing away while you chat with your friend. That's the best.

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Anez
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« Reply #56 on: January 26, 2016, 11:40:49 PM »

You guys are GREAT!

Thanks for the social media encouragement! So far so good! And it's not even her social media (she's not on any-- I've always wondered why... .is it too public for her?) Anyway, so the person who's social media I'd be checking is my replacement... .that wouldn't be any fun, would it? Just misery and who needs it?

I love the image of you, Anez, popping in your earphones and laughing away while you chat with your friend. That's the best.

Good work, KC! Keep doing good things for yourself. Don't look at social media it will only make you feel bad and who wants to feel bad?

You're doing awesome. Pat yourself on the back.
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Turkish
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« Reply #57 on: January 27, 2016, 02:14:14 AM »

Staff only

This thread has reached its posting limit. Please feel free to start a new topic to continue the discussion.

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