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Author Topic: A "relationship" fantasy- his treatment and recovery  (Read 447 times)
thisworld
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« on: January 23, 2016, 11:42:26 AM »

Hi everyone,

I'm thinking about the fantasies that have the power to work like a hook. That is, I don't want to be with my ex, I'm not even much attracted to him, but if I lend myself to this fantasy, I can be attracted again - because this helps me to falsely separate the positives in my ex from the negatives and "deal with" the bad swimmingly in fantasy:))

So below is my fantasy. What are your fantasies that keep you attached even if only in your mind?

The therapy fantasy: My ex will get treatment, will nicely recognize wrong things about him (and these will match my ideas:)). He will want to keep the things I like, change the things that I don't like:)) In summary, he will not only recover but also his newly found or developed sense of self will be based around everything I like:))

I find this funny when I write it like this. I mean, maybe the guy will recover but his new sense of self will nowehere be near what I like:)) I seem to be taking my favourite aspects of him as I know him and tend to think that these are "real". But maybe these are some compensations, too. Maybe these are things he developed in time but maybe he will discover that he hates these. Maybe he will discover that he doesn't like me at all (I suspect this already, no, I'm 90 per cent sure that I'm not his type of woman - he has a type I think). Maybe he will want to experience his new self and do that outside a relationship (completely understandable to me, probably I would like to experience how this self affects different people, isn't that what we do through our younger years anyway?) 

So, in the end of the day, there is nothing in our brief relationship that convinces me that his recovery would equal a relationship for us or that he would turn into the person I imagine him to be. It's a fantasy.

Do you have fantasies like this?
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Euler2718
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« Reply #1 on: January 23, 2016, 05:36:20 PM »

I bet we all have fantasies.

In one of mine, I sense when she is pulling away, talk to her, pray with her, help her overcome her fear of abandonment, and send her home to sleep soundly, without the doubts that the next day would deal the final blow. It's a sweet dream, sometimes I play it over and over... .

The book on attachments I was reading says that people with anxious attachment styles (sometimes that's me) after separation have this issue. Basically it's your brain trying to find a way to stay attached to the person, in this case just emotionally. It'll disappear along with the longing?
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thisworld
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« Reply #2 on: January 23, 2016, 05:55:06 PM »

Thank you for sharing Tim27818,

Do you experience this purely as a fantasy? Mine is like a thought that seems reasonable - and he now says he needs treatment. At a conscious level, I don't feel this changes anything for our "relationship". Admittedly, saying these when he felt our relationship would end and when he wants to recycle me don't mean much to me although I of course hope he does it for himself. Still, the idea is there, pretending to be something credible. It's not. How can I attribute a sense of self to someone who doesn't have it as of yet? Still, it's there. Not as a "what if". It doesn't qualify as a what if as far as I'm aware.  That's why I call it a fantasy.

But thank you for sharing yours. My ex is so dysfunctional that I can't fantasize soundly. Do you think fantasy needs some sort of credibility to satisfy us? Or is it possible to fantasize just anything and get an emotional satisfaction?
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Euler2718
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« Reply #3 on: January 23, 2016, 09:55:27 PM »

My fantasies can  be pretty unrealistic and I still indulge in them.
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ladylee
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« Reply #4 on: January 24, 2016, 04:18:53 AM »

Thank you for posting your fantasy mine is very similar. I vascillate between that, dream and the memory of our initial stages of the relationship and the intense connection that brought us together and how much I kept trying to get that to return, and remembering that person doesn't exist only in my fantasy. The reality is my husband is going through many mid life transitions and cannot get on a proper path to wellness. I think he's trying but we are not in much contact so I do not know. I have to get back on my path. I'm not sure if I can be on my path alone yet, I used to have no problem because I had more family, but now I have less family so its scarier. This is a true test of my ability to stand alone. It could be why I cling to the similar fantasy you have. My husband is retired and has some close friends and a large family and children. They are somewhat supportive. So its probably easier for him. I also did the relocating again and broke connections.
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FannyB
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« Reply #5 on: January 24, 2016, 05:34:53 AM »

I think we indulge in these fantasies to help us manage our detachment.

My first one centred on me correcting the factors she had cited in orchestrating our split - that would mean us getting back together later on. Of course, as I detached I actually realised that none of my predecessors that she had discussed had those same limitations - yet they had still fallen by the wayside.  Now that the two factors she cited have been rectified I no longer have any inclination to rekindle a sexual relationship with her.

Which brings me neatly on to 'fantasy 2'. In this one I effectively parent her and am there for her in a crisis whilst stilll not being romantically involved. I think this one stems from the fact I loved her deeply and just writing everything off seems too harsh.  Maybe I secretly hope she will see me as her true White Knight and want to try again whilst I callously deny her the all encompassing relationship she aspires too.

A sort of passive aggressive riposte to all the silent treatments she inflicted on me! 

Safe to say - I don't think either fantasy will actually become a reality!


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thisworld
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« Reply #6 on: January 25, 2016, 05:01:30 AM »

Fanny hi,

Oh, yes, fantasy number 2. The ultimate fantasy Being cool (click to insert in post) I indulge in when I feel emotionally weaker - late in the evenings. And I even feel a bit dishonest, would I really really do this myself? If I was in a relationship with someone I truly loved, someone I appreciated and this fantasy (put into reality) made my partner uncomfortable? My answer is no. That even reminds of the way my ex brought his unfinished previous relationships into our relationship and used them to control me - though of course, I wouldn't do it like that Smiling (click to insert in post)

You say,

I think we indulge in these fantasies to help us manage our detachment.

Can you explain this a bit if you have the time?

Best,
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thisworld
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« Reply #7 on: January 25, 2016, 05:08:07 AM »

Thank you for posting your fantasy mine is very similar. I vascillate between that, dream and the memory of our initial stages of the relationship and the intense connection that brought us together and how much I kept trying to get that to return, and remembering that person doesn't exist only in my fantasy. The reality is my husband is going through many mid life transitions and cannot get on a proper path to wellness. I think he's trying but we are not in much contact so I do not know. I have to get back on my path. I'm not sure if I can be on my path alone yet, I used to have no problem because I had more family, but now I have less family so its scarier. This is a true test of my ability to stand alone. It could be why I cling to the similar fantasy you have. My husband is retired and has some close friends and a large family and children. They are somewhat supportive. So its probably easier for him. I also did the relocating again and broke connections.

Ladylee,

I understand what you mean. Sometimes it feels like we are left behind all on our own while they are supported friends and family. Yes, it's a test and I think we will win if we increase our resilience. I'm an introvert so I usually focus on close friendships and heart-to-hearts with my close friends who are far away. But maybe having more activities where I expect emotionally less but spend good time are also empowering in its own way. I have started a ceramics course and table tennis - my friends are laughing at the latter but I'm loving it:)) These help me relax without focusing much on my emotions. What's your take on this? How do you think we can somehow fill the void created by relocating, lack of a large family etc.?

And how old are you? Do you think you want to devote the time and effort (with unknown results) you would have to in your fantasy? I'm 38 and I personally don't feel the strength or the motivation (my partner is dysfunctional and unemployed anyway, I'd have to spend my future on him and I don't want to do something like that and then regret it because there is always that chance.) So realistically, again, I don't feel ready to do what my own fantasy defines for me as a responsibility. I feel good when I remember this. It's not only him, I don't exactly want my fantasy either when I think about what I might have to do. Also, he wouldn't recover or anything just in one day and time flies with two steps forward, one step back (those steps are awfully hurtful).

At my partner had a definite effect on my physical health, I was so tired. My migraine worsened. I was prone to seriously coming down I think. I started losing hair in handfulls, it was scary - this had never happened before. I received treatment for it and my hair is almost back - I have new antennae on top my head:)) But I reckon it's actually freedom from ambient stress that brought my hair back. And this is just after 3 months. Thinking about these ruins my fantasies nicely, so I will:))

 

Take care of yourself
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FannyB
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« Reply #8 on: January 25, 2016, 03:37:22 PM »

Hi thisworld


I guess what I mean is, as rational human beings, we know that detaching is the sensible way forward to protect ourselves (head talking) from pain and heartache.

But as emotional creatures, it is still hard for us to completely jettison someone who made us feel like no other ever did (heart talking).

To resolve this paradox we gradually back away from our tormentor, whilst still indulging the fantasy of some future together as a sort of self-soothing tool - a bit like a kid 'whistling past the graveyard' whilst walking home in the dark. Doing so distracts us from the finality of the path we've embarked on as perhaps we don't trust that we're really strong enough to accept the harsh reality of permanent separation.  

Not sure if I'm talking out of my backside here - but this is how I rationalize indulging in these fanciful thoughts about my ex!


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vortex of confusion
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« Reply #9 on: January 25, 2016, 07:33:50 PM »

I used to indulge in fantasy about my stbx. My fantasy was that he would stop being a sex addict and that he would stand up and be a loving and supportive husband and father. I used to indulge in those fantasies and think that they could actually happen if I just found the right magical formula that would allow me to be the wife that he wanted/needed. Part of my fantasy involved him taking initiative and acting like a grown man rather than a man child. Recognizing that it was all a complete fantasy was a big part of the process for me.

Now, those fantasies no longer involve him. I feel like those fantasies helped me to detach because I was finally allowing myself to admit that I wasn't happy. I was allowing myself to see how far he was from the man that I thought I married. I could use my fantasy to remind me of the man that I wanted versus the man that I had.

The man in my fantasy respects me and doesn't push me to do things that make me very, very uncomfortable. The man in my fantasy lets me have emotions and doesn't take it personally. The man in my fantasy acts like he wants to spend time with ME rather than playing video games or going to breakfast with a woman he met on a dating site. The man in my fantasy can be relied on to help me with the kids. Over time, the fantasy went from being about him and what I wanted/needed to being about what I want moving forward. It helps me to define boundaries for myself and keep things in perspective. If I have this fantasy in my head, then I can look at him and see just how much he misses the mark. That keeps me from getting sucked back in.
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thisworld
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« Reply #10 on: January 26, 2016, 02:56:09 PM »

Thank you Fanny B and Vortex of Confusion for clarifying the connection between fantasy and detachment. Wow, this is so constructive for me. I always saw the unhealthy, obsessive aspect of fantasy but never thought of it as something serving detachment. Yes, fantasy shows us what we want and it also painfully shows us what we have/had. But I see that it's constructive only with this awareness, so thanks for helping me access that awareness.

VortexofConfusion,

That's a great idea to focus our fantasies on ourselves and transform them. I'll do what you have just done as soon as possible. Cheers for the idea Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #11 on: January 26, 2016, 10:36:16 PM »

This is another good thread, thisworld, I'm constantly plagued by playing out the fantasy, so here is mine... .

The thing about my fantasy is that my exBPD knows what it is and she played into it when she showed up at my place after 3 months no-contact.  She comes over and is very apologetic and admits to all the abuse and push-pull behaviour.  She acknowledges how much it hurts me and promises she will never do it again.  She then goes back to the behaviour she exhibited the first year or two of our relationship where is she is caring and empathetic and values our relationship.  We come together and have great sex and she whispers in my ear constantly that I'm the best lover she ever had, the most caring and understanding partner and that she will never leave me and always be by my side.

This fantasy came true for me over the Christmas holidays and lasted a whole 3 or 4 days.  After telling her that it would take a while for me to gain my trust back she started to get very oppositional and even started to go back on the things she apologized for and started to put all the blame on me again.  In less than a week we were back where we were 3 months before and a couple days later, she told me she couldn't handle me anymore. 

So I guess I've lived the fantasy for short periods here and there throughout the 4 years with her.  The fantasy is just that, a fantasy.  For 4 years, I thought it was the reality and the turmoil was just a "rough patch".  I've come to realize the fantasy will never become the reality.
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