After 10 days NC she just wrote me a big letter - please help

[woofbarkmeowbeep]

Hi. So quick background. We've known each other for 10 years - we had a fling for a month or so in 2005 and have been talking on and off over the years (I live on other side of world)... I finally came to this side of the world - still about 7 hour flight from her. She came and visited me for 3 days late last year. Amazing conennection/sex etc... begged me to come and stay with her in her town... promised me she would not go nuts and ditch me half way thru or anything (we agreed on 5 weeks I would stay). 1 week into it she had sex with her ex boyfriend. 2 weeks into it she said I needed to leave and that she needed space.

then there was 10 days of no contact on her behalf.

And just now she sent a 9 page letter outlining her stuff.

the main points she made were:

1. we didn't know enough about eachother to be talking about love and relationships (says the girl who told me she loved and had always loved me on the second day we were together AND a few days before she dumped me)

2. it was too soon to be splitting time between me and her daughter given she had just broken up with the baby daddy (prior to this her and I talked extensively around this and she seemed fine)

3. 'the toothbrush issue'. I was using her toothbrush one night and she got really angry and weirded out. I tried to have a conversation around it because I find it strange that someone in a relationship with the other can handle all kinds of kissing but not share their toothbrush. She really didn't want to have that conversation and she said in this letter that I 'didn't respect her feelings'... .but I made it clear to her when I was having this conversation that it was fine and I wouldn't use it, but I was interested to explore the sociocultural stuff around it.

4. I wore her socks without asking. (yes I did, ONCE. But to be fair she wore a number of my t shirts multiple times... .so what?)

5. my flamboyance in public was off putting. (yeah, I can be quite theatrical and expressive sometimes)

6. She 'rushed into it' and over time realised that I was really annoying and the more she learned about me the more off putting it was.


I don't know what to do here?

- respond point by point?

- ignore?

or... .?


My feeling is that it doesn't matter what I did 'wrong' - even If I did none of that stuff she didn't like she would find something to dislike... The only reason I think I would want to respond is because most of that stuff is so trivial and a lot of her points can be counter argued with concrete examples of different behaviour from both me AND her... .

I donno... What do do here?

P.S Any idea what she is trying to 'do' here?

[Euler2718]

Well, I saw the "six points"... .but did the letter say these were six things that needed to be worked out? Or, did she say "good bye" and "these are six of the reasons"? I'm betting the latter, and then what you said is most likely true:

My feeling is that it doesn't matter what I did 'wrong' - even If I did none of that stuff she didn't like she would find something to dislike...

... .no one normal dumps the love of their life (or even someone who could be someday) over a toothbrush or a pair of socks.

[woofbarkmeowbeep]

Well, I saw the "six points"... .but did the letter say these were six things that needed to be worked out? Or, did she say "good bye" and "these are six of the reasons"? I'm betting the latter, and then what you said is most likely true:

My feeling is that it doesn't matter what I did 'wrong' - even If I did none of that stuff she didn't like she would find something to dislike...

... .no one normal dumps the love of their life (or even someone who could be someday) over a toothbrush or a pair of socks.

Thanks so much for your reply Tim.

Well the letter went on for nine pages... those were just some of the main points she made throughout...

The letter was very much a 'this is why it didn't work' letter. Doesn't say anything about wanting to work anything out... rather 'the more time we spent together the more she realised we were not that compatible.'  etc... .

Not sure if I should bother responding or not... :/

But yeah, the toothbrush and socks thing was pretty damn silly.

[eeks]

Hi woofbarkmeowbeep,

The first thing I noticed here is that you and this woman have known each other a long time but not spent a lot of time together.  Then, all of a sudden you were essentially living together.  I think that has potential to be difficult even when one of the people involved is not personality disordered.  My experience with this is that you really do get a "crash course" in who the person is, for better or for worse.  

I don't know what to do here?

- respond point by point?

- ignore?

or... .?


My feeling is that it doesn't matter what I did 'wrong' - even If I did none of that stuff she didn't like she would find something to dislike... The only reason I think I would want to respond is because most of that stuff is so trivial and a lot of her points can be counter argued with concrete examples of different behaviour from both me AND her... .

I can't say whether you should respond or not.  However, it might be helpful to read this first.  COMMUNICATION: How to stop circular arguments


I will also say that I remember thinking something similar to what you describe both with my uBPD ex and former friend.  At first I felt shame and pain in response to their accusations that I'd hurt them, been selfish, uncaring (they were both highly intelligent, so their statements, even if inaccurate, were eloquently worded).  Over time, though, I saw the contradictions, "can't win" conditions (e.g. "when I am in distress and you say something, I feel like I can't hear my 'inner voice'" so then I don't say anything... ."when you don't say something, it sends the message that you don't care and I feel abandoned" and double standards.  So I would have a growing sense that things were unfair and call them on it.  I did not get the responses I was hoping for, my experience was that they found any way possible to avoid acknowledging what I was saying.

If you did respond to her, what would you want the outcome to be?  Are you still wanting to have a relationship with this woman?

[woofbarkmeowbeep]

Thanks eeks!

Yeah - moving in will always be tough, and for a BPD with a small child who has just come out of a 5 year thing with someone else, even more so. Unfortunately I fell for it all... you know the whole 'I've never felt this way about anyone ever before' and the 'you can trust me 10000% I won't kick you out no matter what! I've got this BPD under control!' kinda stuff.

Thanks for the link. I can definitely see myself wanting to crush her silly arguments with alternative points/concrete examples and thus 'winning' and 'trying to make her see the mistakes of her feelings/thoughts' and 'fix' her... but you're also right in that it is likely to go unnoticed in her and that I won't get the satisfaction of a level headed, dare I say it - rational conversation.

Honestly, I think now that I know how deep into the BPD swamp she is, all I would really want out of it is the crazy sex... esp since I'm gunna be in her town for the next 3 or 4 weeks... But perhaps even that is a bad move to shoot for... I'm not sure :/

[woofbarkmeowbeep]

Honestly, I think now that I know how deep into the BPD swamp she is, all I would really want out of it is the crazy sex... esp since I'm gunna be in her town for the next 3 or 4 weeks... But perhaps even that is a bad move to shoot for... I'm not sure :/

Well actually that isn't entirely true... My heart still wishes things could work out... But I know that it is pointless to pursue a relationship again... so the next best thing is the sex - which was out of this world for sure... AND which happened to be the one thing she acknowledged in her letter.

[Daniell85]

Ok, with this information, I honestly think she felt completely overwhelmed. Bpd feeling of engulfment. She is still engaged towards you.

I would take a giant step back, if I were you, on all levels. Validate back to her that meeting is a big thing, and anyone would feel that.

I wouldn't say much else at this point. If you want to stay, head back over to the staying board and ask for help with a validating response to her and slow all of this interaction to a snails crawl.

She also doesn't sound done with the other guy, so being cautious and detached is very much in your best interest. You don't want to be sucked further into a situation that will hurt you more. You matter too!

[woofbarkmeowbeep]

Thanks Daniell. Yeah, engulfment for sure. Even I was feeling very overwhelmed by the whole thing... So I can only imagine how she must have felt.

What do you mean by "she is still engaged towards you"?

I don't want to get back with her, it would only be a bad idea... but I'm not sure exactly how to respond, if at all right now... Your suggestion of validating that meeting was a big thing makes sense... But I don't know... I'm still pretty bitter... Part of me wants to just write a really dismissive one liner... .but maybe even more so I'm thinking that no response is the only way forward here... I'm not sure there is anything I can say that will be of any use. Overall, despite the underlying pull to pour my heart out at her, I just need to mend this broken heart and forget about her it seems .

[blissful_camper]

Was her note balanced by an equally positive list? (Qualities about you and experiences she enjoyed) To me, the 'negatives' read like she is talking herself out of continuing an r/s with you. 

I think the suggestion to take a giant step back is good advice. Sleep on it for a bit so that you give yourself the space you may need to make an educated choice that's right for you.  I think what's important should you choose to continue interacting with her, is to do so on your terms. Decide in advance what your limits are and define your deal breaker. Then honor any promises you made to yourself and walk if and when you reach your limit.

A 9 page letter?

[woofbarkmeowbeep]

Was her note balanced by an equally positive list? (Qualities about you and experiences she enjoyed) To me, the 'negatives' read like she is talking herself out of continuing an r/s with you.  

I think the suggestion to take a giant step back is good advice. Sleep on it for a bit so that you give yourself the space you may need to make an educated choice that's right for you.  I think what's important should you choose to continue interacting with her, is to do so on your terms. Decide in advance what your limits are and define your deal breaker. Then honor any promises you made to yourself and walk if and when you reach your limit.

A 9 page letter?

Hey Bliss thanks for the message.

No, there was not one thing that was positive about me in the 9 page letter... the closest she got was where she said she could not deny we had a physical connection... the rest was just stuff like "the more time I spent with you the more grating it got"... ."when you declared you liked wearing my socks, you never actually asked, it felt as though my desires did not matter"... ."there are things about you that no amount of talking or communication could make me ok with"... etc...

prior to me coming to stay with her it was all "I want you in my life, Ive been thinking about how good itd be to try a day to day thing with someone like you... you make me want to be better and happier for you"... ."I have no frame of reference. Never felt like this for anyone"


Yeah... I will sleep on it for a few days... Part of me really wants to just go for the 'let's just have sex' option and leave it at that... (esp given I am leaving her town in a few weeks) but at the same time I would be frustrated/hurt/feel like ive 'lost' if she rejected me... so I have a feeling I may just not respond... Of course, my heart wants it to be where it was before all the devaluation begun... but I realise that person is probably gone now... so it all just feels so pointless...

[woofbarkmeowbeep]

A day after writing the letter she blocked me on the account she wrote it on.

I didn't/haven't replied though.

Man... She scares me.

[blissful_camper]

A day after writing the letter she blocked me on the account she wrote it on.

I didn't/haven't replied though.

Man... She scares me.

The blocking seems like a knee-jerk reaction to emotions causing discomfort.  Imo, a 9 page letter is a push-pull (feeling engulfed but at the same time fearing abandonment.)  Maybe she blocks to reinforce her 'reasons' but I wager she may be feeling abandoned because you didn't respond quickly enough in her mind (and wisely so on your part).  In her letter you may find nuggets of projection. She revealed what she would do in advance of your visit when she said this: "promised me she would not go nuts and ditch me half way thru or anything."  Let her scare you.  That's a healthy feeling.  That's your mind/body/spirit telling you that something ain't right.  Hold on to that feeling and allow it guide you to a calmer place where you can heal and move out of the dysfunction. 

[woofbarkmeowbeep]

A day after writing the letter she blocked me on the account she wrote it on.

I didn't/haven't replied though.

Man... She scares me.

The blocking seems like a knee-jerk reaction to emotions causing discomfort.  Imo, a 9 page letter is a push-pull (feeling engulfed but at the same time fearing abandonment.)  Maybe she blocks to reinforce her 'reasons' but I wager she may be feeling abandoned because you didn't respond quickly enough in her mind (and wisely so on your part).  In her letter you may find nuggets of projection. She revealed what she would do in advance of your visit when she said this: "promised me she would not go nuts and ditch me half way thru or anything."  Let her scare you.  That's a healthy feeling.  That's your mind/body/spirit telling you that something ain't right.  Hold on to that feeling and allow it guide you to a calmer place where you can heal and move out of the dysfunction.  

Wise words... thank you.

I spoke to my friend who had spoken to her friend who said she is having a bit of a melt down... My friend suggested I write a basic message (via email which I am not blocked) to her... like 'Ok, I'm sorry you feel that way. Its obviously best we went our separate ways. take care of yourself'... .

Is that a smart move? or in a BPD situation is NC always better?

What would you suggest the smart move to be?

[Rmbrworst]

A day after writing the letter she blocked me on the account she wrote it on.

I didn't/haven't replied though.

Man... She scares me.

UCK . . . So frustrating.  Isn't that typical.

Dude, just let yourself be blocked.  You dont have time for this.  It's manipulation and toying with your emotions. 

Is this an interaction you want to continue?

I highly doubt it . . .  think logically and think of your boundaries.

[Mr. Magnet]

2 weeks before she filed she called me her soul mate

Now she calls me a con man a grifter and a fraud and tells me she cannot stand to be around me

[woofbarkmeowbeep]

2 weeks before she filed she called me her soul mate

Now she calls me a con man a grifter and a fraud and tells me she cannot stand to be around me

Holy S---. Same story.

[mrwigand]

A day after writing the letter she blocked me on the account she wrote it on.

I didn't/haven't replied though.

Man... She scares me.

The blocking seems like a knee-jerk reaction to emotions causing discomfort.  Imo, a 9 page letter is a push-pull (feeling engulfed but at the same time fearing abandonment.)  Maybe she blocks to reinforce her 'reasons' but I wager she may be feeling abandoned because you didn't respond quickly enough in her mind (and wisely so on your part).  In her letter you may find nuggets of projection. She revealed what she would do in advance of your visit when she said this: "promised me she would not go nuts and ditch me half way thru or anything."  Let her scare you.  That's a healthy feeling.  That's your mind/body/spirit telling you that something ain't right.  Hold on to that feeling and allow it guide you to a calmer place where you can heal and move out of the dysfunction.  

Wise words... thank you.

I spoke to my friend who had spoken to her friend who said she is having a bit of a melt down... My friend suggested I write a basic message (via email which I am not blocked) to her... like 'Ok, I'm sorry you feel that way. Its obviously best we went our separate ways. take care of yourself'... .

Is that a smart move? or in a BPD situation is NC always better?

What would you suggest the smart move to be?

I think if you choose to respond at all, what your friend suggested would be most appropriate. I think your instinct that challenging her on anything would be futile is correct. If it were me and I felt compelled to respond, I would say simply, "Hey, I got your letter, and I  totally understand and respect your feelings. Good luck with everything moving forward."

Maybe that's not even true, but I think best to leave this situation cleanly and with maximum dignity.

[woofbarkmeowbeep]

I think if you choose to respond at all, what your friend suggested would be most appropriate. I think your instinct that challenging her on anything would be futile is correct. If it were me and I felt compelled to respond, I would say simply, "Hey, I got your letter, and I  totally understand and respect your feelings. Good luck with everything moving forward."

Maybe that's not even true, but I think best to leave this situation cleanly and with maximum dignity.

Ok... thank you for this feedback... I guess I will send something similar to that... The whole thing scares me - engaging with her... But I should probably acknowledge a 9 page letter in some form or another and something simple like this makes sense... I'll do it now... Eek.

[blissful_camper]

I think if you choose to respond at all, what your friend suggested would be most appropriate. I think your instinct that challenging her on anything would be futile is correct. If it were me and I felt compelled to respond, I would say simply, "Hey, I got your letter, and I  totally understand and respect your feelings. Good luck with everything moving forward."

Maybe that's not even true, but I think best to leave this situation cleanly and with maximum dignity.

Ok... thank you for this feedback... I guess I will send something similar to that... The whole thing scares me - engaging with her... But I should probably acknowledge a 9 page letter in some form or another and something simple like this makes sense... I'll do it now... Eek.

You aren't obligated to respond.  But if you decide to, I agree to keep it short and polite.  And then leave it there to give yourself some space. 

[woofbarkmeowbeep]

Ok... I've sent her a short, polite message... very stressful nonetheless!

[blissful_camper]

Ok... I've sent her a short, polite message... very stressful nonetheless!

What's your plan to alleviate that stressor?  Where are you at with all of this?  How are you feeling? 

I was in your shoes once too.  I know how hard it is.   If you're done, you're done.  If you're not, that's okay too.  I can assure you though that if you give yourself some space so that you can move away from the dysfunction and gain perspective, you will begin to heal and the further you go on that healing path, you won't want to go back. 

It was a rough ride for me but well worth it.  I have this board to thank for helping to get me on the right path.  If you haven't already done so, you may find 2010's posts helpful.   

[woofbarkmeowbeep]

Ok... I've sent her a short, polite message... very stressful nonetheless!

What's your plan to alleviate that stressor?  Where are you at with all of this?  How are you feeling?  

I was in your shoes once too.  I know how hard it is.   If you're done, you're done.  If you're not, that's okay too.  I can assure you though that if you give yourself some space so that you can move away from the dysfunction and gain perspective, you will begin to heal and the further you go on that healing path, you won't want to go back.  

It was a rough ride for me but well worth it.  I have this board to thank for helping to get me on the right path.  If you haven't already done so, you may find 2010's posts helpful.  

Thanks for these points of reflection.

It's been quite a mess... Really bad headaches and sharp head pains for almost 2 weeks (strange for someone who never gets headaches)... although over the past few days they have calmed down a bit... .I've also had stomach pains... all sorts... And also just a mental disorientation kinda feeling... Like I've been secretly infiltrated by an enemy spy and blown apart... so strange to give so much trust and build up good communication channels etc with someone only to have it blown to bits without any warning as such.

I'm still in a stage where if she wrote me something sweet and asked me to reconcile, I am not sure how I would respond... at least, I would consider meeting her... maybe... but mostly only because I am still in her country with 2 weeks left. If she doesn't contact me while I am here, I am not sure I will talk to her again.

What do you mean by looking at 2010's posts? What? where?

[woofbarkmeowbeep]

(ignore this, I accidentally pressed quote instead of modify again)