first post

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Hello.    I've been reading these boards for 1 1/2 yrs. now.  They have helped me through my worst moments, so thank-you all.

I have been abandoned by my husband of 8 yrs.  Throughout our marriage he had a pattern of running away.  He would leave for a weekend, week, the longest was 2 months.  He left almost 2 yrs. ago.  The first year even though we were living separate we were still together in one way or another.  We "dated" and last summer he even moved back home for 4 months then left again.  We have a 7yr. child together and I have a 13yr. old from my first marriage.  I was married to my first husband for 8 yrs. also.  I was abandoned by him also.  We went to one counseling session together then he never went back.  I kept going and after months of talking she told me she felt he had BPD.  At the time, I didn't have internet.  I got out an old college psychology book and looked it up but there was only a couple paragraphs written.  I just concluded that he was messed up.  I grieved and healed as best I could.  When he left our son was 3.  At least I had a great job.  A career position at the postal service.  I made enough money to take care of my son and I.  I had great benefits and a pension at retirement.  I had also spent 8 yrs. in the military and transferred that time to my postal time so I wasn't in the worst position.  Three years later I met my current husband.  Everything went fast, too fast.  We were married within a year and then he immediately wanted a baby.  I couldn't do my job pregnant, so he told me to resign.  He made good money and told me he would support us.  I had worked since age 16 and was always financially independent.  I quit my job.  It was the first time in my life I trusted another to that degree.  He worked away during the week and I took care of the baby.  Three years later he got a job working at home.  I had to push him to do this but I was sick of being alone and a single parent.  It was a better job.  Things went quickly downhill from there even though there were many issues and red flags before.  I honestly just thought he was immature and never had any proper examples growing up.  When he left I went to counseling because I felt crazy.  I felt like I was living in the twilight zone.  I went through our whole marriage in detail from the beginning and was told he most likely had BPD.  This time I had the internet and did extensive research and reading.  My eyes were opened.  I am a peace keeper and spiritual and really loved my husband.  I held onto the hope that we could make it.  Although, the more I got out of the FOG and with the failed attempt to reconcile in the summer, I was slowing coming to terms with the fact that our marriage was over for good.  This past fall, he said he missed, loved, and needed me and wanted his family back if I was willing.  I was hesitant.  I told him he changed his mind like the wind and his decisions were always based on his feelings in the moment and on nothing more substantial like values and consequences.  I still told him I was willing but he would have to seek counseling.  He agreed he would.  That only lasted 3 weeks.  He wouldn't tell anyone, he stood me up for a date night, and he did not invite me to places he was going.  So I told him I was not going to be disrespected and used and asked him to explain himself.  I got NOTHING.  He said he couldn't talk about it right now.  He should have said he couldn't talk about it now or ever (unless he needed or wanted me again and had to).  There was never any women involved when we were separated.  He had a one night stand one night while we were together.  I forgave him and we moved on but he knew that him being with another women was a deal breaker for me.  About a month or two after he wanted to come back this last time he started dating someone.  She was someone who happened to be a relative of one of the guys from work he hung out with all the time.  So I've been replaced.  It adds a totally different layer of hurt. 

So here I am with a mortgage and 2 kids.  I have no career or degree.  I work a few days a week at a local convenience store for cash.  I get by with that and child support and temporary spousal support.  He lives at a place he inherited from his dad who passed a few years ago.  It is paid off, no mortgage.  He has a great job that pays 50-60k a year, great benefits, retirement.  He left with NO debt.  This Fall he filed for bankruptcy. I handled the finances here.  We didn't have debt but we couldn't save either like a wanted because he had to have all these things with any extra money we had.  His employer was taking out his bankruptcy payment before paying me child support so I was getting shorted every week.  So over Thanksgiving and Christmas I was going through hell trying to deal with that and it was at the same time I found out he was with this other person.  I live in a rural area with no job prospects.  Most jobs are minimum wage or a little over and they want you to be available for all shifts - days, nights, weekends.  I have no family to help with kids so I just feel like I'm in an impossible situation.  I made him my life.  My family was all I really wanted.  I didn't have a bunch of friends.  I was too busy taking care of the responsibilities while he had a thousand friends and played.  So now I have to rebuild my life and he's taken things I just can't get back.  I am already working every weekend so I don't get to see my kids except during the week when it's all work with school, doctors, and taking care of everything.  He gets our son every weekend.  It makes me cry. 

Even if we're not together I have to deal with craziness and drama.  There are calm times and he tries to be a good dad.  However, he puts himself and what he wants before what's best for our son.  They spend the night at other family and friends so my husband can drink.  He puts him in situations that I don't feel are appropriate and sets horrible examples.  The worst is the pain of all this.  I still love him and even though I know intellectually that this relationship can't work, my heart wants it to.  I know he is not capable of loving me in a mature way.  He was like having a third child.  Anyway, It wouldn't let me read the boards for some reason like I always do and I had to register.  So that's a bit of my story.

[peace74]

Hello.    I've been reading these boards for 1 1/2 yrs. now.  They have helped me through my worst moments, so thank-you all.

I have been abandoned by my husband of 8 yrs.  Throughout our marriage he had a pattern of running away.  He would leave for a weekend, week, the longest was 2 months.  He left almost 2 yrs. ago.  The first year even though we were living separate we were still together in one way or another.  We "dated" and last summer he even moved back home for 4 months then left again.  We have a 7yr. child together and I have a 13yr. old from my first marriage.  I was married to my first husband for 8 yrs. also.  I was abandoned by him also.  We went to one counseling session together then he never went back.  I kept going and after months of talking she told me she felt he had BPD.  At the time, I didn't have internet.  I got out an old college psychology book and looked it up but there was only a couple paragraphs written.  I just concluded that he was messed up.  I grieved and healed as best I could.  When he left our son was 3.  At least I had a great job.  A career position at the postal service.  I made enough money to take care of my son and I.  I had great benefits and a pension at retirement.  I had also spent 8 yrs. in the military and transferred that time to my postal time so I wasn't in the worst position.  Three years later I met my current husband.  Everything went fast, too fast.  We were married within a year and then he immediately wanted a baby.  I couldn't do my job pregnant, so he told me to resign.  He made good money and told me he would support us.  I had worked since age 16 and was always financially independent.  I quit my job.  It was the first time in my life I trusted another to that degree.  He worked away during the week and I took care of the baby.  Three years later he got a job working at home.  I had to push him to do this but I was sick of being alone and a single parent.  It was a better job.  Things went quickly downhill from there even though there were many issues and red flags before.  I honestly just thought he was immature and never had any proper examples growing up.  When he left I went to counseling because I felt crazy.  I felt like I was living in the twilight zone.  I went through our whole marriage in detail from the beginning and was told he most likely had BPD.  This time I had the internet and did extensive research and reading.  My eyes were opened.  I am a peace keeper and spiritual and really loved my husband.  I held onto the hope that we could make it.  Although, the more I got out of the FOG and with the failed attempt to reconcile in the summer, I was slowing coming to terms with the fact that our marriage was over for good.  This past fall, he said he missed, loved, and needed me and wanted his family back if I was willing.  I was hesitant.  I told him he changed his mind like the wind and his decisions were always based on his feelings in the moment and on nothing more substantial like values and consequences.  I still told him I was willing but he would have to seek counseling.  He agreed he would.  That only lasted 3 weeks.  He wouldn't tell anyone, he stood me up for a date night, and he did not invite me to places he was going.  So I told him I was not going to be disrespected and used and asked him to explain himself.  I got NOTHING.  He said he couldn't talk about it right now.  He should have said he couldn't talk about it now or ever (unless he needed or wanted me again and had to).  There was never any women involved when we were separated.  He had a one night stand one night while we were together.  I forgave him and we moved on but he knew that him being with another women was a deal breaker for me.  About a month or two after he wanted to come back this last time he started dating someone.  She was someone who happened to be a relative of one of the guys from work he hung out with all the time.  So I've been replaced.  It adds a totally different layer of hurt. 

So here I am with a mortgage and 2 kids.  I have no career or degree.  I work a few days a week at a local convenience store for cash.  I get by with that and child support and temporary spousal support.  He lives at a place he inherited from his dad who passed a few years ago.  It is paid off, no mortgage.  He has a great job that pays 50-60k a year, great benefits, retirement.  He left with NO debt.  This Fall he filed for bankruptcy. I handled the finances here.  We didn't have debt but we couldn't save either like a wanted because he had to have all these things with any extra money we had.  His employer was taking out his bankruptcy payment before paying me child support so I was getting shorted every week.  So over Thanksgiving and Christmas I was going through hell trying to deal with that and it was at the same time I found out he was with this other person.  I live in a rural area with no job prospects.  Most jobs are minimum wage or a little over and they want you to be available for all shifts - days, nights, weekends.  I have no family to help with kids so I just feel like I'm in an impossible situation.  I made him my life.  My family was all I really wanted.  I didn't have a bunch of friends.  I was too busy taking care of the responsibilities while he had a thousand friends and played.  So now I have to rebuild my life and he's taken things I just can't get back.  I am already working every weekend so I don't get to see my kids except during the week when it's all work with school, doctors, and taking care of everything.  He gets our son every weekend.  It makes me cry. 

Even if we're not together I have to deal with craziness and drama.  There are calm times and he tries to be a good dad.  However, he puts himself and what he wants before what's best for our son.  They spend the night at other family and friends so my husband can drink.  He puts him in situations that I don't feel are appropriate and sets horrible examples.  The worst is the pain of all this.  I still love him and even though I know intellectually that this relationship can't work, my heart wants it to.  I know he is not capable of loving me in a mature way.  He was like having a third child.  Anyway, It wouldn't let me read the boards for some reason like I always do and I had to register.  So that's a bit of my story.

[JohnLove]

Hello peace74, I have been here for about that time too. Reading the stories on here really help to put things into perspective. I am truly sorry for your situation. You seem like such a good person and I can really relate to what you have posted. We believe in the relationship only for them to treat us very poorly. Not just ourselves but the RELATIONSHIP.

I have 3 children with my uBPDex (20year r/s, seperated 2008). I had a current dBPD partner (4 year r/s) until last Saturday when we went to her cousins 4 day "camping wedding".

I am glad you registered... .and posted.