I talked with my parents...

[Moselle]

... .and discovered where my stuff comes from.

- Dad traumatised as a boy from a very high conflict divorce. (NPD traits, BPD traits)

- Mom, damaged from a mom who threatened to leave every week due to emotional abuse from her dad. (co-dependent traits)

Its very confronting to discover where my co-dependent traits come from.

I'm not sure what to do. I'm just hurting all over. Any advice?

(Background is: I'm two years out of a very abusive marriage, and going through a very high conflict divorce with a BPD/NPD spouse)

[eeks]

Hi Moselle,

I can understand this being painful.  It can be startling to realize that there's a legacy of emotional dysfunction that you either didn't know about, or didn't realize the extent of.  Is this the first time you have talked to your parents about traumatic aspects of their own childhoods?

It sounds like you are in a tough spot right now because it will likely be valuable to explore your FOO dynamics (posting here, by reading books/self-contemplation and/or with a therapist).  However, this process can be an emotional roller coaster in and of itself, and you're in the middle of a high conflict divorce. 

One option would be emotional "triage", if you will, to focus on the divorce in the short term (communication, coping skills, support from members who have been there), and putting the FOO inquiry on hold.  Not repressing it, rather discerning that right now is not the best time to dig deep.  Another, of course, would be to start your own healing process concurrently.  I'd say it comes down to how much emotional upheaval you feel you can handle at one time.

Does it help at least to know that the co-dependent traits are not your fault?  That they are a set of behaviours some children learn in order to make the best of a bad parental situation?  And that you learned it from your parents who learned it from their parents... .so it hurts a lot, and we're all stuck with the consequences of our FOO issues, but it's nobody's fault per se?

eeks

[Moselle]

Thanks eeks. Yes it does feel better to understand that its not anybody's fault, especially mine.

I have had discussions with them about it before, after it came out during therapy about 3 years ago, but I havent really examined it from a healing perspective. Perhaps we need to touch it a few times before we feel comfortable going into the pain.

I've only recently been able to name the pain and actively feel it. Like my first boundary 2 years ago, it feels uncomfortable. But I 'm proud of my self compassion that is growing

Whew, emotional upheaval. There is a limit and I think I stretch it all the time. There's actually too much right now so I'm going to take your advice and dial back on it for later examination.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Moselle, I admire your courage to speak with your parents directly about these issues.  It seems that most Nons (including me) who get involved with a pwBPD have FOO issues that make them particularly susceptible to the BPD dynamic.  I know I was, though of course I didn't realize it at the time.  It's sort of a setup, because we Nons tend to walk into a perfect storm without any awareness of what we are getting into.  At least that's what it was like for me.  Learning where all this stuff comes from, I suggest, is key to the healing process.  Agree w/eeks: take it slowly and try to break it down into manageable bites.

LuckyJim

[Grey Kitty]

Moselle, I've got two thoughts for you.

1. You obviously have a LOT of pressing concerns with your divorce, and they will not wait.

This kind of introspection could be better left on a back burner for later.

Or it could be what you need to address right now.

Only you know which applies, or if it shifts from one to the other.

2. Understanding how your parents had their codependence baked into them from their parents is very good for background, but probably not where you will need to spend your time and energy for growth.

The patterns you learned from your parents is where I expect you will spend most of your time and energy, trying to move forward and address things.

If you want to dig farther into this now I'd recommend you start by describing the patterns of behavior between your parents, yourself, and your siblings (if any).

As you said you are hurting all over, doing whatever you can to be kind and gentle to yourself may be a better approach today.

[Moselle]

Moselle, I've got two thoughts for you.

1. You obviously have a LOT of pressing concerns with your divorce, and they will not wait.

This kind of introspection could be better left on a back burner for later.

Or it could be what you need to address right now.

Only you know which applies, or if it shifts from one to the other.

2. Understanding how your parents had their codependence baked into them from their parents is very good for background, but probably not where you will need to spend your time and energy for growth.

The patterns you learned from your parents is where I expect you will spend most of your time and energy, trying to move forward and address things.

If you want to dig farther into this now I'd recommend you start by describing the patterns of behavior between your parents, yourself, and your siblings (if any).

As you said you are hurting all over, doing whatever you can to be kind and gentle to yourself may be a better approach today.

Thanks GK, I will look into the patterns of behaviour and record them in my improvement journal. It's hard to place this on the back burner. Its like finding out that butterflies come from cocoons. Once you know, you know  I have some good people close to me slowing me down a bit, and helping me to be patient with myself. One of them (also a borderline surviver/thriver from 12 years ago), said "Moselle, you have come so far, learned so much, you're on your way". It doesn't feel like it, though the FOG has lifted somewhat, and at least I know the scope of work that still needs to be done.

My kids weigh on me, they are with the self proclaimed ":)ragon", and she's succeeding somewhat in alienating them from me.

Hey Moselle, I admire your courage to speak with your parents directly about these issues.  It seems that most Nons (including me) who get involved with a pwBPD have FOO issues that make them particularly susceptible to the BPD dynamic.  I know I was, though of course I didn't realize it at the time.  It's sort of a setup, because we Nons tend to walk into a perfect storm without any awareness of what we are getting into.  At least that's what it was like for me.  Learning where all this stuff comes from, I suggest, is key to the healing process.  Agree w/eeks: take it slowly and try to break it down into manageable bites.

Not so much courage as a search for the truth. I feel angry and experience an emotion of guilt as a follow on. My children have been exposed to this unknowingly by me! and now its their journey of discovery of what I have learned at 39. I feel bad for the years of modelled abuse and co-dependence in my marriage, which they take on as a template for 'normal' behaviour. Manageable bites . Which part of the elephant do I bite first, the tail, the legs, the trunk. I can tell you, none of it tastes very good 

[Grey Kitty]

I know what you mean about things like that not letting you avoid them... .there is a point where it is time.