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Author Topic: NC pep talk thread part 5  (Read 1868 times)
Anez
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« on: January 31, 2016, 12:58:49 AM »

Continuing this thread:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=289700.0

Having issues with NC? Need help? Advice? Want to share? Hit us up here!

Stay strong, everyone!
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Lexisdad
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« Reply #1 on: January 31, 2016, 10:43:08 AM »

So todays my daughters bday. As expected BPD exgf texted wish her a happy bday. Of course she bought relationship up and tells me reason she ended it is because i wouldn't sleep at her house every night and she was lonely(abandonment)! She also told me she was tired of the fighting. I didn't have the heart to tell her i was afraid sleep at her house every night because if the 3 or 4 rages a week and worrying if a knife would be plunged thru my back. I did tell her most of the fighting was over her trust,insecurity and jeolousy issues. Her answer not all! Ok 9 out 10 were but that wasn't an issue in her mind.

These people with BPD will never accept responsibility for any wrong doing. I even told her "i know you fell out of love with me and i accept it" and she answers " i never fell out of love with you and still love you, i'm sorry i hurt you". I even offered to go to counseling with her upon the breakup. Nothings wrong with me we don't need counseling were her words. Tomorrow starts full nc and even tho i hate to do it i have to because there s no turning back.
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La Carotte
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« Reply #2 on: January 31, 2016, 11:26:29 AM »

This is my first day of NC this time. I have to do it.

Despite the terrible way she's behaved, not just for the final incident but many many times in the past three years, I've spent the day dreading and hoping that she.ll turn up. She hasn't. And I haven't contacted her. I can go to bed in 4 hours  and will have done it and I will not contact her again tomorrow, no matter how many reasons my brain creates to convince me that if I just send this one message... .

This is torture.
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Lexisdad
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« Reply #3 on: January 31, 2016, 11:34:09 AM »

After 5 and a half years of her raging is not her fault! The hurtful words and baseless accusations were my doing?  Gotta do this.
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La Carotte
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« Reply #4 on: January 31, 2016, 11:39:10 AM »

Same story, Lexisdad! I spent time today reading our Messenger thread (couldn't face text or email) and I couldn't get over the number of times she accused me, or I referred to being hurt by what she'd said, and "I couldn't put up with it any more." Etc etc. and each time it was my fault, I wasnt accepting responsibility. BECAUSE I DIDNT DO IT!  And I did put up with it. Again and again and again.

Something has to change. For us both. We can do this. We deserve better.
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Anez
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« Reply #5 on: January 31, 2016, 01:40:28 PM »

So todays my daughters bday. As expected BPD exgf texted wish her a happy bday. Of course she bought relationship up and tells me reason she ended it is because i wouldn't sleep at her house every night and she was lonely(abandonment)! She also told me she was tired of the fighting. I didn't have the heart to tell her i was afraid sleep at her house every night because if the 3 or 4 rages a week and worrying if a knife would be plunged thru my back. I did tell her most of the fighting was over her trust,insecurity and jeolousy issues. Her answer not all! Ok 9 out 10 were but that wasn't an issue in her mind.

These people with BPD will never accept responsibility for any wrong doing. I even told her "i know you fell out of love with me and i accept it" and she answers " i never fell out of love with you and still love you, i'm sorry i hurt you". I even offered to go to counseling with her upon the breakup. Nothings wrong with me we don't need counseling were her words. Tomorrow starts full nc and even tho i hate to do it i have to because there s no turning back.

You're doing the right thing, lexisdad. You need space to recover and to take care of YOURSELF. She's not giving you that space and from all of your posts it seems like she's done and said a lot of hurtful things to you. Eliminating her from your life will immediately make your life a little better.

Good for you! Hope you have a nice day with your daughter. Happy birthday to her!
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Rmbrworst
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« Reply #6 on: January 31, 2016, 04:29:38 PM »

Haven't been on these NC threads much.  Still a bit depressed but honestly, I'm 5-6 weeks out now and it gets a lot better. You'll slowly detach from you exBPD and start focusing on the negativity they brought into your lives.

I miss the time we spent together, I had a great time with him, but it was based on lies and he strung me and another man along at the same time. 

I'll never get back with him and in the future I will learn to take pause and watch for warning signs next time.

Lesson learned.  Wish it was different but it's not.  I have accepted what happened and I have learned from it and now it's time to move on.  Still licking my wounds, but they're starting to scar now.

This experience will forever change the fiber of my being
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kc sunshine
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« Reply #7 on: January 31, 2016, 05:37:22 PM »

In what ways do you think, Rmberworst?




This experience will forever change the fiber of my being

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Rmbrworst
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« Reply #8 on: January 31, 2016, 07:06:46 PM »

@kc sunshine

For the past 10 years of my life, I've been very fortunate.  I have a lot of very close friends.  The type of friends where if I was in trouble, I could call them up and ask to stay with them.  The type of friends that I can trust with anything.  They're the friends I called and cried about my exBPD with, and they listened and they gave me support. 

But my luck ran out w/ the exBPD.

Part of the reason I got so caught up, was I ignored warning signs.  I figured my exBPD was a good person who was just sensitive, and that I could help them through.  Well that person left me discarded with no answer for cheating on me and lying to me.

So how will I change?

Well,  since I've been so fortunate . . . since I've been able to give myself so FREELY to so many people over so many years . . . I totally forgot . . . that some people are not to be trusted.  Some people are not what they seem.  However, I think the biggest thing that's going to change about me is this fact . . .

I can no longer trust my "intuition" about someone, and no matter how I feel about someone . . . warning signs are warning signs.

So I've changed . . . I dont "trust" like I used to.  I was lucky that for so many years I could trust so openly . . . but this has changed that. 
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steelwork
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« Reply #9 on: January 31, 2016, 10:51:24 PM »

I only have one mutual friend with him at this point. My challenge right now is that I want to mine that guy for any current information. He probably doesn't have any current information anyhow, since my ex has not been good about keeping up with him. (My ex was also friends with my brother but dropped him cold--never even returning a text--when he dropped me.)

Even hanging out with our mutual friend feels wrong.
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kc sunshine
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« Reply #10 on: February 01, 2016, 07:36:20 AM »

That makes sense, Rmberworst 

Last night my ex texted me telling me she wants to tell me something. I'm bracing for her to tell me that she's in a relationship now (instead of just casually seeing my replacement). I think it might be a tough day. I'm telling myself "release with grace" like it is a mantra. Any other hints for how to face this dreaded news?
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itgirl
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« Reply #11 on: February 01, 2016, 07:44:20 AM »

kc --  its dreaded news now but eventually a blessing in disguise.  My ex getting engaged after one month of breaking up with me made me very angry.  And that is how I was able to detach.  The previous 4 recycles happened as there weren't a 3rd party involved.

It got me through it.  I knew anything I told my ex would be discussed with the replacement.  So I decided to say nothing.  NOT A WORD.

hang in there. 
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Rmbrworst
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« Reply #12 on: February 01, 2016, 07:49:39 AM »

@kc

Overall my advice is just LC or NC.  It may be in your best interest to only send a brief one sentence response or not respond at all.

You have to focus on yourself and detach. 
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kc sunshine
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« Reply #13 on: February 01, 2016, 08:58:43 AM »

Now she won't tell me until I'm back in town in the middle of the week. That feels even worse, to have to wait for the bad news. Should I try to get her to tell me sooner or should I just leave it be? I'd so much rather know than not to know since she brought it up. It feels awful. Here's our exchange:

Ex:

   Hey... .I want to tell you something. Are you there... .?

Me:

   Too early to call?

Ex:

   At work already... .Maybe better to just wait til you get back anyway. Sound good?

Me:

   But now curious... .Can you write it?

Ex:

   No. Sorry for bringing it up! We can just talk when you get here. Still thinking tomorrow or Wednesday?

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Rmbrworst
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« Reply #14 on: February 01, 2016, 10:02:31 AM »

Are you trying to remain no contact?

Sounds like you two are having a lot of interaction.  This is going to slow your recovery, unless you are wanting to continue a relationship/friendship.

In short, if you are supposed to be NC, these things should not be an issue (as you're making the promise to yourself not to speak unless absolutely necessary).
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Lexisdad
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« Reply #15 on: February 01, 2016, 11:36:29 AM »

Well i finally did it. Last night after some back and forth texts with BPD exgf she had audacity to tell me she could never let me see her son again and did i know what that would do to him. This is a 13 year old who i adored like my own son and he introduced me to everyone as his "stepdad".That was no doubt the line in the sand because i treated her son so well and you make me out like i'm some monster forbidding me to ever see him again.

So this morning i went full no contact. The texts begin, "are you ok" " i know your upset why are you ignoring me and call me i'm worried about you". Then the calls so far 7 today. I refuse to answer the texts or phone calls. I've made no suicidal remarks or anything abd yes i'm upset and brokenhearted but i had to do it. It really hurts to ignore her and go full nc but the relationship is past the point of no return and her let's be freinds for the kids was all b------t.
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MapleBob
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« Reply #16 on: February 01, 2016, 11:49:54 AM »

Day 24 here and I'm missing her a lot again. I'm not tempted to actually contact her or do anything about it (that's on her if she decides to, and I have to respect that), but dang. Maybe all the NC talk about "it takes 2-3 weeks to really miss someone" isn't just a line of garbage.

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JQ
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« Reply #17 on: February 01, 2016, 11:59:48 AM »

Well i finally did it. Last night after some back and forth texts with BPD exgf she had audacity to tell me she could never let me see her son again and did i know what that would do to him. This is a 13 year old who i adored like my own son and he introduced me to everyone as his "stepdad".That was no doubt the line in the sand because i treated her son so well and you make me out like i'm some monster forbidding me to ever see him again.

So this morning i went full no contact. The texts begin, "are you ok" " i know your upset why are you ignoring me and call me i'm worried about you". Then the calls so far 7 today. I refuse to answer the texts or phone calls. I've made no suicidal remarks or anything abd yes i'm upset and brokenhearted but i had to do it. It really hurts to ignore her and go full nc but the relationship is past the point of no return and her let's be freinds for the kids was all b------t.

LD,

I know this has been along time coming and I know just how hard it has been, but I know that you have Lexi AND YOUR best interest at heart!.  It's sad to think that she's using her son as a pawn with you ... .but for BPD is ALL ABOUT THEM!   

YOU know this, but here's a gentle reminder ... .to go FULL NC, you'll need to block her number so you don't get all those calls and texts.  Trust me from my experience and others on here it's never going to stop and for your own healing as well as Lexi you might want to consider blocking them.  Just a thought.  I know it hurts ... .but 30 days makes a habit. You have a lot to do in the next 30 days to keep you busy and you don't need to be interrupted or thinking about any of her calls or text or the lack there of.

This is the start of a new day, a new month, a new year and a NEW LIFE!  YOU GOT THIS BROTHER!

JQ
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Lexisdad
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« Reply #18 on: February 01, 2016, 12:30:21 PM »

JQ,

I hear you on the blocking of the number. This was the first step and that will follow. It certainly wasn't something that i was looking to do but i have finally come to the realization that the relationship is over. It was her decision and i respect her wishes. This morning i made the dreaded trip to the ivf doctor to sign the release to destroy the fertilized embryo's. It was not something i wanted to do but one can only hold onto a glimmer of hope so long.

Like everyone here it's gonna take some time to really heal from this. Thats the dynamics of being with a pwBPD and the aftermath. It pains me to ignore the woman i so deeply loved but they really leave us in such despair we have no choice. Thanks bro!
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jc1010

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« Reply #19 on: February 01, 2016, 04:14:22 PM »

 "here's a gentle reminder ... .to go FULL NC, you'll need to block her number so you don't get all those calls and texts.  Trust me from my experience and others on here it's never going to stop and for your own healing as well as Lexi you might want to consider blocking them.  Just a thought.  I know it hurts ... .but 30 days makes a habit." -JQ

I'm beginning to find out this is such a valid statement. For the last three months, i left my exBPDs number unblocked. I would get the calls, the texts, i even was still following her on instagram, i even responded to the texts/ calls because i wanted there to still be hope. I eventually was terrified to get a text or call from her, or even see her on instagram because if the relapse of pain, but my subconscious still for some reason wanted to get a text or call from her.

And when she would text or call me every three weeks or so, it was honestly reopening the cut in my heart that i was trying to heal. And I was always asking myself what message that would send to her if i blocked her? what would she think about it? would she think i was weak? I thought it would be like losing the battle, showing signs of weakness and bringing me embarrassment.

I couldnt take it anymore though, the check-ins were killing me and killing my healing process. And i would always wonder why she was checking in on me if she already has a new guy. It was driving me nuts and i feel like it would drive anyone nuts. So about a week ago i blocked her number on verizon, cut her off completely, she can't get into contact with me. And i realized that i can't think about what she will think of it, i have to love myself and not let myself get hurt like this. I'm doing this for my own heart, letting myself heal. Sure it's tough but i just concentrate on the healing, everyday my heart heals a little more. I'm not gonna let her rip it open because i'm not gonna let her hurt me anymore. My NC is still fresh, its been two weeks and its gonna go a lot longer than that.

This is only the beginning and in order for me to heal, i have to focus on making myself happy, focus on healing myself everyday. I find myself thinking about the really good times we had and it hurts that its over. But i just then think, well she wasnt the one for me, she hurt me so badly, i love myself and wont let that pain come back. You see, for so long i focused on getting her approval, making her happy and filling her needs that i lost my identity in it. I lost my ability to make myself happy and my sense of self. It's really hard, to not wonder about it, but i just keep being there in a positive way for myself, protecting my heart.

And i can't feel bad about not answering her because it hurts me way more than she will ever know if i keep allowing myself to see the texts and voicemails.  

These wounds run deep, but its making me have to get happy and find the root problems of why i was with her in the first place (need to please others or make them happy). Because i cant live like this anymore, the pain is just too much. When i drop the hope that we will end up together, when i realize that the girl i loved no longer existed is when i find healing to be easiest.


LexisDad, hope you find that inner peace man, i'm prayin for you.


These links have really been helping me out if any of you want to check them out.

www.rapidbreakuprecovery.com/no-contact-rule-after-a-breakup/


www.rapidbreakuprecovery.com/my-girlfriend-left-me-for-another-guy/

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Lonely_Astro
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« Reply #20 on: February 01, 2016, 04:30:25 PM »

Well, I'm 2 weeks into NC (again).  I slipped up and had a conversation with her that resulted in us having contact for a few days.  It made me feel worse, so I went back NC.  Of course, I work with her, and I had to be in her department today.  I said maybe 3 sentences to her while there, all work related.  I could feel her looks burning into me as I ignored her the rest of the time.  I got my work done there as quick as possible and fled like I had suddenly caught fire.

I instantly wanted to scream at her.  I wanted to tear her down in front of everyone about how fake she is, about what she had done to me and has gotten away with it.  But, I didn't.  I still felt a great amount of pain being around her.  Pain and anger.  I keep reminding myself, even if I don't want to, that she chose to do all the stuff she did to me.  She also chose to continue that hurt by leaving the roses out where I would see them (this, still, causes me a great amount of pain and also ushered in me going NC with her two weeks ago).

Even though I feel I know quite a bit about BPD, I still can't believe that a human being can do to another human what she has done to me (and others, no doubt).  To use them in such a way and then just discard them as if they're less than trash only to replace them with another.  Like one of those plastic forks from the box in the lunchroom.  Unbelievable.

It doesn't help that I have been dreaming about her at night.  I try to not think of her to much during the day, which isn't easy, but now I'm not even escaping her at night.  I just want her to go away.  Ugh.

I know time will heal me, as will distance.  But that feels so far away right now.  So distant.
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JQ
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« Reply #21 on: February 01, 2016, 05:43:09 PM »

Hey Group,

This place is becoming more like a AA meeting!  WE need to hand out tokens for 1 month, 6 mph & 1 yr increments NC!  "Hello ... .my name is JQ and I'm XX days NC!"  Welcome JQ!     

 

@JC1010, It's really, REALLY good to see you on a good path to healing in your post. You have come to a point in your life that you not only you need to move forward, but more importantly you WANT to move forward!  This is a GINORMOUS step for you on this new path you've chosen and you should be proud of yourself for the strength it took for you to get here.  I know it's been hard, but as you can see each day it gets a little easier to distance yourself from your BPD.  You've also learned that in order to finally completely heal you needed to go NC ... .the re-cutting of your wounds will finally stop and you can finally start to heal. You might stumble every now & then but we'll be here for you to help you up. I'm really happy for you!  Just a few more days and the first 30 are over! YOU CAN DO IT! 

@MapleBob, I would like to say congratulations on 24 days NC!  It's ok to miss your BPD, they were for a short period of time a big part of your life. Some would say they miss their BPD like a bad case of herpes ... .they go away but they still keep coming back when you least expect it! LOL    Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)   Come on guys that's funny! Feel free to use it!  I now some of you will     You have to keep a since of humor when you've been part of a BPD relationship.   I digress, going NC is tough for sure, but what you've been doing isn't working for you so far is it?  Like JC1010 has said ... .give it some time and things will & do get better.  You don't miss your first gf or bf do you? If you're honest with yourself you'll admit that you think about them from time to time, but so much time has past that you can't ever imaging ever seeing much less dating them again. This will be the case with your BPD soon enough.  In the not to distant future you'll look back and wonder, "what the HELL was I doing? What the HELL was I thinking?"  Hang in there ... .by the time the Super Bowl is here you've got a MONTH in! 

@KC Sunshine, part of the reason the NC is suggested to NONs aka codependents by therapist, Ph.d's etc, is because in the BPD world, they need to remain in control of any one person who they're in a relationship with. When they put you in a "time out" like she is doing for you she's in control of YOU & YOUR feelings, emotions. 

She dropped the bait ... .x:

   Hey... .I want to tell you something. Are you there... .?

YOU swallowed it whole ... .

Me:

   Too early to call?

She set the hook deep ... .

Ex:

   At work already... .Maybe better to just wait til you get back anyway. Sound good?

Me:

   But now curious... .Can you write it?

She's keeping you on line without reeling it in ... .

Ex:

   No. Sorry for bringing it up! We can just talk when you get here. Still thinking tomorrow or Wednesday?

By doing this, she remains in control of you and she knows it. It's power, you gave yours up to her. As long as she remains in control of you, your emotions, your feelings you're not going to heal yourself and be able to move forward on a more positive path in life. Rmbrworst is very much correct when they told you, "This is going to slow your recovery / You have to focus on yourself and detach."  So my question to you is have you made the choice yet to move forward without your BPD & still having a difficult time finding your way or is there a different path you want to take?

@Rmbrworst Congratulations on your 5-6 weeks! YOU get a 1 month badge    I know that what you went through was difficult as we've all experienced with our own BPD. You've got a great start on your healing and the lessons learned about what BPD is ... .but I would also look inward if you haven't yet and learn why you are a care giver, codependent and the peacemaker. Like me you might have to go back your childhood & take a deep dive there and learn why you are the way you are. You might not like what you find but I'm sure you'll learn so much more then what to look for in avoiding a BPD. You give some good guidance to KC ... .it's a process to get through it all ... .but there is a light at the end of the tunnel and it sounds as if you see the light and are moving towards it!

@Steelwork, you said, "My challenge right now is that I want to mine that guy for any current information."   Why do you want to "mine" this person for information? What information are you hoping to gain from this sniping of information I'm confused?  You also said, "My ex was also friends with my brother but dropped him cold--never even returning a text--when he dropped me."  To me this another way for your exBPD to remain in control of you. They know that, they're smart, they've learned to survive. No information aka time out aka silent treatment is a way for them to control what you see, hear, or do.

@Everyone, A BPD wants to remain in control of the relationship, this isn't new to any of us here. If they text you & you respond, they will put off answer response, this is a form of MANIPULATION of you!   If they call or text you at all hours of the night, this is a way for them to find you out your most vulnerable  by interrupting you're REM sleep.  If they distant themselves from a mutual friend it's so that they remain in control of that part of your life. They will MANIPULATE you in a variety of ways that we've all experienced and can give example after example.  It's hard to understand the actions of the mentally ill with BPD. BPD doesn't and NEVER will make sense to us and that is in part why it so hard to let go ... .to go NC. We are the forever the  optimist thinker hoping beyond hope that somehow the mental illness is going to get better when we know in your brain it won't but in our heart we hope ... .

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steelwork
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« Reply #22 on: February 01, 2016, 05:56:38 PM »

@Steelwork, you said, "My challenge right now is that I want to mine that guy for any current information."   Why do you want to "mine" this person for information? What information are you hoping to gain from this sniping of information I'm confused?

[hangs head in shame]

I just MISS him!
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« Reply #23 on: February 01, 2016, 06:10:11 PM »

@JQ

Love your post, especially how you broke down KC's interaction with his exBPD.  Spot on.

I do not exhibit do dependant behavior in my "normal" life (with friends, co workers, family), but in relationships I am now finding I often want to be the caretaker and savior.

I think this stems from the relationship with my mother.  She was always sick, always needed attention and help.  I was always there to feed her and help her and nurse her back to health.  Then she would verbally abuse me and my father physically abused me.

Looking back I think she had a personality disorder.  In fact, we have not spoken in 7 years.

I'm realizing how much my past is affection my love life, and that's why I no longer look at the relationship as a burden.  I feel this relationship happened for a reason.  It was a wake up call for me.  Now that all the wounds are open and everything has been brought to the surface, I can pin point what is happening and take control of my relationships.

I've already learned that boundaries are important, and paying attention to and ACCEPTING red flags is the second major thing I have learned.

I love my exBPD.  I miss him as well.

However, I will not tolerate being treated poorly ever again.  No matter how much I "love" someone. 

It's funny, in my other personal relationships I'm not a push over, it's just my love life.  My friends were like ":)ude, we cannot believe you're putting up with this.  You would never put up with this crap."

It's true, I don't put up with it normally, but in romantic life I apparently haven't learned my lesson.

I'm learning it now thankfully.

Much love to everyone
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« Reply #24 on: February 01, 2016, 06:13:54 PM »

Well, I'm 2 weeks into NC (again).  I slipped up and had a conversation with her that resulted in us having contact for a few days.  It made me feel worse, so I went back NC.  Of course, I work with her, and I had to be in her department today.  I said maybe 3 sentences to her while there, all work related.  I could feel her looks burning into me as I ignored her the rest of the time.  I got my work done there as quick as possible and fled like I had suddenly caught fire.

I instantly wanted to scream at her.  I wanted to tear her down in front of everyone about how fake she is, about what she had done to me and has gotten away with it.  But, I didn't.  I still felt a great amount of pain being around her.  Pain and anger.  I keep reminding myself, even if I don't want to, that she chose to do all the stuff she did to me.  She also chose to continue that hurt by leaving the roses out where I would see them (this, still, causes me a great amount of pain and also ushered in me going NC with her two weeks ago).

Even though I feel I know quite a bit about BPD, I still can't believe that a human being can do to another human what she has done to me (and others, no doubt).  To use them in such a way and then just discard them as if they're less than trash only to replace them with another.  Like one of those plastic forks from the box in the lunchroom.  Unbelievable.

It doesn't help that I have been dreaming about her at night.  I try to not think of her to much during the day, which isn't easy, but now I'm not even escaping her at night.  I just want her to go away.  Ugh.

I know time will heal me, as will distance.  But that feels so far away right now.  So distant.

LA,

I'm reminded of a line from a move that applies here quite well ... .indulge me if you will ... .""And why do we fall, Bruce, so we can learn to pick ourselves up."

―Thomas Wayne to a young Bruce Wayne"  

We all stumble from time to time ... .you come to this group and put your hand up and we'll help you back up ... .we'll dust you off, straighten you up. Then it's up to you to take the next step in journey ... .I commend you on not punching her in the throat at work ... .nothing good would come from that  

I know it's even harder because you work near each other ... .you have extra challenges ... .but I know you're up to the task if you have it in  you to go NC. The flowers are a way to manipulate you're feeling and open old wounds.  Ignore the bait ... .there's a big pit filled with sharp spikes if you go to bite the bait ... .     

Go out of your way to ignore her when you need to ... .don't worry about her hurt feelings ... .or how you might feel guilty ... .YOU are responsible for your feelings!  O what YOU need to do in order to move forward ... .

JQ
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« Reply #25 on: February 01, 2016, 06:25:16 PM »

@Steelwork, you said, "My challenge right now is that I want to mine that guy for any current information."   Why do you want to "mine" this person for information? What information are you hoping to gain from this sniping of information I'm confused?

[hangs head in shame]

I just MISS him!

SteelWork,

PLEASE DO NOT HANG YOUR HEAD IN SHAME!  YOU HAVE NOTHING TO BE ASHAMED FOR!   It's ok to miss your BPD ... .we all do ... .it's normal.  It's ok to love your BPD ... .we all do.  BUT you NEED to LOVE YOURSELF first and foremost!   Your heart aches ... .I understand ... .we all understand it.  How long has it been since you've gone NC or have you gone NC yet? You stumbled on your journey ... .heres a hand ... .take it ... .let me dust you off ... .now it's up to you to continue your journey.  WE all know you can do it!   It's going to get better ... .when was the last time you thought about your first junior high school sweetheart?  It's been a couple of days?  Thought  The same will be for your BPD ... .just give it some more time ... .there is a light at the end of the tunnel ... .stay the course.

JQ

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« Reply #26 on: February 01, 2016, 06:36:26 PM »

Thanks. Needed it.

Basically, 9.5 months. There was one BIFFy exchange in Sept. (I wrote to ask if he wanted a certain thing or should I get rid of it, hoped he was well. He said no thanks, hoped I was well, said a chatty thing, I left it there.)
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« Reply #27 on: February 01, 2016, 06:49:13 PM »

@Steelwork, you said, "My challenge right now is that I want to mine that guy for any current information."   Why do you want to "mine" this person for information? What information are you hoping to gain from this sniping of information I'm confused?

[hangs head in shame]

I just MISS him!

SteelWork,

PLEASE DO NOT HANG YOUR HEAD IN SHAME!  YOU HAVE NOTHING TO BE ASHAMED FOR~!   It's ok to miss your BPD ... .we all do ... .it's normal.  It's ok to love your BPD ... .we all do.  BUT you NEED to LOVE YOURSELF first and foremost~!   Your heart aches ... .I understand ... .we all understand it.  How long has it been since you've gone NC or have you gone NC yet? You stumbled on your journey ... .heres a hand ... .take it ... .let me dust you off ... .now it's up to you to continue your journey.  WE all know you can do it~!   It's going to get better ... .when was the last time you thought about your first junior high school sweetheart?  It's been a couple of days?  Thought  The same will be for your BPD ... .just give it some more time ... .there is a light at the end of the tunnel ... .stay the course.

JQ

This is everything in a nutshell.

It's okay to love and miss your exBPD, but you need to love yourself first.
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« Reply #28 on: February 01, 2016, 07:30:38 PM »

First of all, you guys are the best. What would I do without you? I'd be sinking even more than I am now. Thank you thank you thank you.

Gang, I am exhibit A of what happens when you don't stay NC. JQ, you hit the nail on the head with your breakdown of our interaction. Oh man. The worst. And I'm devastated by it. Hurt by the interaction and hurt by the prospect that what she has to tell me is that she is in a relationship with the replacement.

It was hard to put my finger on what felt so wrong about the interaction-- why I felt so wronged, but I think JQ nailed it. But in addition to control, I think there is also something just mean about telling someone you have something to say that you know will hurt (if that indeed is what she has to say, which of course it is, because what else would there be to say like that?) and then making them wait for it. In her head, she's probably justifying it by thinking "oh I'll tell her in person and that is kinder than over the phone," which could have been true if she hadn't said anything but she did. Is this right, or am I being over-the-top sensitive?

It's all crazy-making-- it actually does make me feel crazy. Also, the weird thing is that she texted me in the middle of a date! (she always had a theory that BPD gave her a 6 sense-- when things like that happen, sometimes I think it is true!)

I have to really figure out why I'm not going total NC. Here's what comes to mind, but there may be deeper things:

1) A sense that I can endure this crazy behavior. (I'm not sure that it is true-- I've never really interacted with someone that has the potential to be really mean before, so it really may be way out of my league)

2) I love her still. I think my love could transform into a friendship love but these kind of interactions aren't helping that transformation. That's actually a good justification for NC.

3) She's good friends with a couple of her exes and I'm good friends with mine as well. Interestingly the exes she is friends with are the ones that broke up with her instead of her breaking up with them. Maybe she wounded the ones that she broke up with too badly to be friends with her.

On the good side, I haven't checked social media even though I am dying to, especially today. Can a get a 20 day mini-chip for that?

 




@KC Sunshine, part of the reason the NC is suggested to NONs aka codependents by therapist, Ph.d's etc, is because in the BPD world, they need to remain in control of any one person who they're in a relationship with. When they put you in a "time out" like she is doing for you she's in control of YOU & YOUR feelings, emotions. 

She dropped the bait ... .x:

   Hey... .I want to tell you something. Are you there... .?

YOU swallowed it whole ... .

Me:

   Too early to call?

She set the hook deep ... .

Ex:

   At work already... .Maybe better to just wait til you get back anyway. Sound good?

Me:

   But now curious... .Can you write it?

She's keeping you on line without reeling it in ... .

Ex:

   No. Sorry for bringing it up! We can just talk when you get here. Still thinking tomorrow or Wednesday?

By doing this, she remains in control of you and she knows it. It's power, you gave yours up to her. As long as she remains in control of you, your emotions, your feelings you're not going to heal yourself and be able to move forward on a more positive path in life. Rmbrworst is very much correct when they told you, "This is going to slow your recovery / You have to focus on yourself and detach."  So my question to you is have you made the choice yet to move forward without your BPD & still having a difficult time finding your way or is there a different path you want to take?

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« Reply #29 on: February 01, 2016, 08:14:55 PM »

Hi Group 

Some thoughts ... .

Bullet: comment directed to __ (click to insert in post) KC, PLEASE DON'T BEAT YOURSELF UP FOR THIS ACTION! YOU ARE HUMAN, YOU LEARN, YOU GROW!   you said, " I think there is also something just mean about telling someone you have something to say that you know will hurt (if that indeed is what she has to say, which of course it is, because what else would there be to say like that?"    You're trying to rationalize the behavior of a BPD with logic ANNND  we all know that a BPD behavior NEVER has & NEVER will make sense.  You said, "hurt by the prospect that what she has to tell me is that she is in a relationship with the replacement".  This is BPD behavior attempting to devaluate you by telling you how "wonderful" the replacement is or how they do "this something" so much better then you or to tell you that they are "a couple".  Your BPD continues this behavior because they know it has in the past and will continue to affect you in the future ... .UNTIL you decide that it WON'T any longer affect you ... .the choice is yours to make.

In your 3 points you mentioned ... .you are again trying to rationalize & justify your thinking to yourself "and maybe to us" why you should continue your contact with your BPD to some degree. (1) You haven't be able to "ENDURE" the crazy behavior up to this point and it's obviously taken a toll on your mental and physical health with not sleeping, eating, stressing, crying, among other emotional derailment ... .so what makes you think you can continue with this for the rest of your life much less for the foreseeable future? I'm curious ... .no judging ... .just looking for education and insight ... .(2) Be honest with yourself KC ... .Once you loved someone as deep as you have her ... .do you really believe that you can "JUST" be friends?"  What would your reaction be ... .how would you feel the first time you see your exBPD kiss another or hold hands?  (3) just because someone else does it doesn't mean it's ok for you to do it ... .what good would come from this.  AS far as that 20 mini chip ... .you got 10 more days ... .YOU CAN DO THIS!   YOU know YOU can!  If you truly want too ... .it appears you come to that fork in the road ... .take the path to the left & continue doing what you're doing or take the path to the right & see where that leads you ... .we can't decide for you ... .but we got your back either way.

@Steelwork,  You get a 1 month NC badge!  Keep working on the 6 month badge! You can do this!  Get out with some friends ... .a movie, a salad, some good pasta, but get out. Occupy yourself with a new hobby ... .but you're doing very well don't doubt yourself or one moment! 

@Rmbrworst, You said, "I think this stems from the relationship with my mother.  She was always sick, always needed attention and help.  I was always there to feed her and help her and nurse her back to health.  Then she would verbally abuse me and my father physically abused me. Looking back I think she had a personality disorder."    I truly believe you're on the right path in your own self discovery.  You are the classic codependent, "Care GIVER" and the perfectionist with the care you gave to your mother. It was this behavior that you grew up with that has imbedded into the core of who you are, always wanting to help, give assistance, give of yourself ... .you do it without thinking ... .you don't give it a second thought, you always sacrifice yourself, your happiness & own needs.  But even given all you had, trying to just help, doing the best you could was never good enough and you suffered the the rathe of both parents as not being good enough? Is that close? No need to answer ... .just question for thought ... .  if it is or isn't I would suggest that you seek out professional guidance & therapy to help you sort through those feelings, thoughts, and emotions to help you on your journey.


JQ
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« Reply #30 on: February 01, 2016, 08:18:20 PM »

@MapleBob, I would like to say congratulations on 24 days NC~!  It's ok to miss your BPD, they were for a short period of time a big part of your life. Some would say they miss their BPD like a bad case of herpes ... .they go away but they still keep coming back when you least expect it~! LOL   Smiling (click to insert in post) Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)   Come on guys that's funny~! Feel free to use it~!  I now some of you will     You have to keep a since of humor when you've been part of a BPD relationship.   I digress, going NC is tough for sure, but what you've been doing isn't working for you so far is it?  Like JC1010 has said ... .give it some time and things will & do get better.  You don't miss your first gf or bf do you? If you're honest with yourself you'll admit that you think about them from time to time, but so much time has past that you can't ever imaging ever seeing much less dating them again. This will be the case with your BPD soon enough.  In the not to distant future you'll look back and wonder, "what the HELL was I doing? What the HELL was I thinking?"  Hang in there ... .by the time the Super Bowl is here you've got a MONTH in~! 

Right on, man!  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

I actually do have a couple of long-ago exes who I still miss from time to time, but you're right, time makes it different. There are certainly a bundle of "what the hell was I thinking?" moments. Still miss her, though. But right on, encouragement appreciated.
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« Reply #31 on: February 01, 2016, 08:52:40 PM »

Well everyone first full day no contact. I go to the gym for a good workout and of course i ignore calls and texts. Come home and shower and knock on the door. I open the door and am greeted by 2 police officers asking my name and if i'm ok. I'm fine guys whats up. Well we got a call to check your "welfare" because you havent answered your phone. Can you beleive this craziness ive gotta explain as a cop to two cops that my exBPD gf ended a relationship 8 weeks ago and after enough b-----t i had enough and decided to not answer her. I explained the verbal abuse and rages and that i didn't need put myself in any predicaments trying to act rational with the irrational person you love. How embarrasing this was for me. I made no threats or any insinuations whatso ever and she freaked out big time. This is the same girl who went insane if she thought i said anything about her to her family but she has the nerve to ask me if i'm mad she called the cops. I'm beyond pissed because i'm a very private person first of all and in reality all she had to do was make one accusation that she thought i was depressed over this breakup and i'd be sitting in an emergency room awaiting a psych eval for me who is not the crazy one here. I'd most likely have to be cleared by a department psych dr and this is exactly the reason i did not move in with her and did not spend many nights sleeping over. I ve certainly been deeply in love with her but 5 1/2 years if weekly rages left me very cautious. The countless times she threw me out i always was waiting for the tranquility and stability which never seemed to happen walking the weekly mine field.
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« Reply #32 on: February 01, 2016, 10:28:31 PM »

Well everyone first full day no contact. I go to the gym for a good workout and of course i ignore calls and texts. Come home and shower and knock on the door. I open the door and am greeted by 2 police officers asking my name and if i'm ok. I'm fine guys whats up. Well we got a call to check your "welfare" because you havent answered your phone. Can you beleive this craziness ive gotta explain as a cop to two cops that my exBPD gf ended a relationship 8 weeks ago and after enough b-----t i had enough and decided to not answer her. I explained the verbal abuse and rages and that i didn't need put myself in any predicaments trying to act rational with the irrational person you love. How embarrasing this was for me. I made no threats or any insinuations whatso ever and she freaked out big time. This is the same girl who went insane if she thought i said anything about her to her family but she has the nerve to ask me if i'm mad she called the cops. I'm beyond pissed because i'm a very private person first of all and in reality all she had to do was make one accusation that she thought i was depressed over this breakup and i'd be sitting in an emergency room awaiting a psych eval for me who is not the crazy one here. I'd most likely have to be cleared by a department psych dr and this is exactly the reason i did not move in with her and did not spend many nights sleeping over. I ve certainly been deeply in love with her but 5 1/2 years if weekly rages left me very cautious. The countless times she threw me out i always was waiting for the tranquility and stability which never seemed to happen walking the weekly mine field.

Oh man . . .

This story is so ridiculous that all I can think of, is some day in the future (hopefully sooner than later), you will be telling somebody this story and they will be laughing at the sheer absurdity of it.  It's not funny now, but looking back it could be.  Sorry if that's not making you feel any better.

She's very aggressive, you said this is your first day no contact?  Keep going . . . I dont think she will last long.  Once she finds out you're not answering, she will move discard you and move on most likely.  I cant believe she called the cops.  You poor guy.  I dont think you should worry too much about having a psych eval and stuff like that.  You seem completely together and it's not like they'll grab you out of your home and whisk you away or anything. 

"I always was waiting for the tranquility and stability which never seemed to happen walking the weekly mine field."

It's when the rages become more and more often and the pushing and pulling starts to wreak so much havoc on your heart, you think to yourself "oh my god, it will never be the same".  It's a crap feeling, but I know in time you are going to look back at this whole situation and say "what was I thinking?"
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« Reply #33 on: February 01, 2016, 11:02:36 PM »

Hey LD,

Brother I'm sorry that you had to go through what you did today ... .but it should do nothing but amplify the reason to remain NC.  You're BPD is certainly deregulating and causing some really tough issues for you.  I know you you ignored the calls & text ... .but you didn't block them either ... .like when she calls she gets the message, "this number is no longer in service, etc etc etc." so in her mind it gave her concern to your well being ... .notice I said, " IN HER MIND" ... .she certainly isn't stable & is deregulating ... .the actions of those who suffer from BPD mental illness will never be logical or make any amount of sense to us.

Thought If you are within a week or two of retiring from the PD, are relocating to undisclosed location that is out of state ... .before you sign all the paper work and leave why don't you go online to your carrier website and change the number ... .you can actually pick it out from a serious of numbers. It's easy, doesn't cost you anything as well. Then as you check out of the PD, set up forwarding information you can give THEM your new phone number.  When the BPD calls you they'll get the "this number is no longer in service or in use bla bla bla".   It'll go straight to the message instead of going to vm and giving her the reason to do what she did tonight ... .it's a start at least. I had to change my number & unlisted it 4 times in 6 months ... .and thats when they charged me $75 each time they did. I was getting a little upset ... .the calls stopped when I threaten to call the FBI for someone stalking me since I was in the military ... .the calls no longer came ... .but I was always wondering when the other shoe would drop ... .it finally did 18 years later when I retired from the military and my BPD mother or sister gave her my number ... .either will admit it ... .but I've since blocked it ... .this time for free. 

Hang in the brother ... .if you do these things ... .the transition will be much easier without worrying about what she's going to do about unanswered text or calls.

JQ
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« Reply #34 on: February 02, 2016, 01:10:00 AM »

Nothing really to add to the ongoing conversation, but just had a weird moment, and want to get it off my chest.

Was just sitting and thinking, and had a flash of memories from my exBPD.  I haven't been focusing on him in my thoughts that much lately, but it all just came in sort of a rush.  It's like I suddenly saw how sick our relationship was as if I was from the outside looking in.  It's like the logical part of my brain just kicked in and went "Wow, you two really destroyed each other."

There are some things I'm thinking about and saying to myself "How did you not realize this was so bad for you?"

I guess I always thought if I tried hard enough, I could save it.  In the meantime, I just lost track of how broken it had really become. 

Many lessons learned.  We will become better people for having endured this if we try to.
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« Reply #35 on: February 02, 2016, 08:39:39 AM »

Nothing really to add to the ongoing conversation, but just had a weird moment, and want to get it off my chest.

Was just sitting and thinking, and had a flash of memories from my exBPD.  I haven't been focusing on him in my thoughts that much lately, but it all just came in sort of a rush.  It's like I suddenly saw how sick our relationship was as if I was from the outside looking in.  It's like the logical part of my brain just kicked in and went "Wow, you two really destroyed each other."

There are some things I'm thinking about and saying to myself "How did you not realize this was so bad for you?"

I guess I always thought if I tried hard enough, I could save it.  In the meantime, I just lost track of how broken it had really become. 

Many lessons learned.  We will become better people for having endured this if we try to.

Hello Rmbrworse,

It's good to get things off your chest here ... .it's a good place where you won't find anyone judging you or thinking lesser of you ... .it's a positive step in the right direction.

It appears that you had an epiphany ... .the proverbial light bulb went on ... .the "aha" moment ... .I think that moment came for me very much like yours did when I was looking in from the outside at what had been going on ... .trying to make sense of it all ... .and taking all the advice, guidance, therapy and self evaluation looked at my relationship with my BPD and came to the conclusion that nothing good from a union with her will ever happen. I was destroying myself ... .I lost myself in the fog ... .literary killing myself for her. My lightbulb moment was incredible ... .

Don't be to hard on yourself Rmbrworst ... .because of how influences growing up ... .good and or bad ... .you are the eternal optimist ... .you don't give up on anything or anyone.  Like most of us you believed that if you worked hard enough, tried hard enough, love and cared hard enough your relationship with your BPD would be what you wanted it to be.  But BPD & codependency relationships are like oil & water ... .they never mix ... .you have to constantly shake them up in a bottle to "APPEAR" to blend, but the reality of it all is that you just shake them up into little pieces that will quickly separate back into the whole person again.

You're on you way to a better self ... .and with a better self ... .you will be able to be a better partner in life to the right person ... . 

JQ
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« Reply #36 on: February 02, 2016, 10:20:58 AM »

I get the text this morning " call me, i need to talk to you about last night". So i break the nc and call and she admits she was wrong for calling police and she really thought something happened to me. I tell her i understand. Of course the " i love you" comes from her which is why she did it. We talk for a few and the relationship comes up and i tell her this did not have to end. She went on to state she was worried about her 13 year old son and how this is 2nd man he was attached to abd relationship ended and she couldnt hurt him anymore. She admits i treated him great. We talk about the constant fights abd rages and she finally comes out.

She actually states what if we got back together and i cant control myself when you upset me. She say's you know how i get. I tell her thats something that can be worked on.She states she s not seeing anyone which i beleive and go's on to say she hasn't raged since we split. She say's she wants to think about trying to work this out and talk to her son about having me back in my life. I'll admit i love her so deeply and she's actually talking rational that part of ne wants to beleive this can work.   Help me out guys!
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« Reply #37 on: February 02, 2016, 11:13:49 AM »

I get the text this morning " call me, i need to talk to you about last night". So i break the nc and call and she admits she was wrong for calling police and she really thought something happened to me. I tell her i understand. Of course the " i love you" comes from her which is why she did it. We talk for a few and the relationship comes up and i tell her this did not have to end. She went on to state she was worried about her 13 year old son and how this is 2nd man he was attached to abd relationship ended and she couldnt hurt him anymore. She admits i treated him great. We talk about the constant fights abd rages and she finally comes out.

She actually states what if we got back together and i cant control myself when you upset me. She say's you know how i get. I tell her thats something that can be worked on.She states she s not seeing anyone which i beleive and go's on to say she hasn't raged since we split. She say's she wants to think about trying to work this out and talk to her son about having me back in my life. I'll admit i love her so deeply and she's actually talking rational that part of ne wants to beleive this can work.   Help me out guys!

Lexisdad,

Some questions to ask yourself ... .What was different about last night conversation then any other conversation you two have had?  She's has BPD ... .a mental illness ... .and likely never to be able to regulate herself to ANY degree without a lifetime of professional mental healthy therapy and possible mood stabilizers ... .AND that is only if she will agree to do both.  Story after story you've told has been full of chaos, drama, flying monkey's, that has had you on the crazy train roller coaster ... .be honest with yourself ... .NOT us ... .but really be honest with yourself ... .What makes you think that anything is going to change because of one conversation she has?  Look at it from the outside looking in as a law enforcement officer ... .a third party ... .analytical ... .objective ... .if we were to tell you the same things you've been telling us all this time ... .what would be your guidance to us?

It's sad that a young boy is caught up in the middle of things ... .and I hope that the boy's father is in his life to some degree ... .but YOU have to look after yourself & Lexi. Just the other way you were telling us that the BPD was bad for Lexi ... .she was bad for you ... .what has change in the one conversation?

It's ok to miss her ... .we all miss our BPD ... .but we are living a much better happier life without the constant stress, inner turmoil, the constant second guessing of what we coming home to? What will be on the other end of the phone when we answer it.

She asked you a question that you didn't answer ... ."She actually states what if we got back together and i cant control myself when you upset me. She say's you know how i get."    so she states she hasn't changed ... .that she's going to continue to rage ... .get angry ... .that her behavior isn't never going to change ... .so ... .the choice is yours LD ... .look inward ... .be honest with yourself ... .answer the questions for yourself ... .

JQ
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« Reply #38 on: February 02, 2016, 11:36:31 AM »

She definitely is not holding back on the guilt triggering when bringing up her 12 y.o. son. When i initially cut my exBPD off all social media in november, she said ___ like 'hey you, I saw what you did, do whatever you have to do to get through this.' Like she was now acting as the caretaker? I went no contact, like you did, for 15 hours. She didnt call the cops or anything but she did hit me with a guilt. She texted me and said "i hope you didn't block my number, because what if i need you?' i then thought things like maybe she cares... .suicide... all other guilt related thoughts flushed through my mind.

I felt so guilty and responded saying i didnt i just miss you, basically told her everything she wanted to hear. And i definitely would have just straight up blocked her number so i couldnt see those type of guilt triggering statements, if i were given a second chance. Although i try not to have regrets, i would have done that differently and sped up this healing process. That's just me, but you got to do whats right for you

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« Reply #39 on: February 02, 2016, 11:41:53 AM »

I get the text this morning " call me, i need to talk to you about last night". So i break the nc and call and she admits she was wrong for calling police and she really thought something happened to me. I tell her i understand. Of course the " i love you" comes from her which is why she did it. We talk for a few and the relationship comes up and i tell her this did not have to end. She went on to state she was worried about her 13 year old son and how this is 2nd man he was attached to abd relationship ended and she couldnt hurt him anymore. She admits i treated him great. We talk about the constant fights abd rages and she finally comes out.

She actually states what if we got back together and i cant control myself when you upset me. She say's you know how i get. I tell her thats something that can be worked on.She states she s not seeing anyone which i beleive and go's on to say she hasn't raged since we split. She say's she wants to think about trying to work this out and talk to her son about having me back in my life. I'll admit i love her so deeply and she's actually talking rational that part of ne wants to beleive this can work.   Help me out guys!

LD,

JC is giving some sound guidance and examples ... .

Didn't you just tell us yesterday that you were afraid that she was going to ... .how did you say it ... "plunge a knife keep in your back while you slept".  Have you decided that wearing a vest to bed is a normal thing now? Jus saying

JQ
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« Reply #40 on: February 02, 2016, 11:48:39 AM »

@lexisdad

This is extreme behavior from her, no doubt, and you should consider approaching this with extreme caution. I know that you want to reconcile, and that this probably feels like the "movie moment" where that happens, but... .I look back to my dealings with my uBPD exes and I see that I ignored one of the core tenants of dealing with dysregulated people: never ever ever reward the bad behavior! You can understand it, you can validate it, you can learn to work with it, but don't reward it.

I suspect that she realizes that she's "been bad", and she's throwing you a bone to make up for it, trying to justify the unjustifiable. My ex did that often, and then it would always come back around to her painting me black and pushing me away again, often with the stated reasons being "you made me do XYZ, and therefore we're not good together", instead of "let's both make better choices in our relationship".

She's gotta show you some tangible changes, and this looks like more of the same push/pull/act out cycle.
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« Reply #41 on: February 02, 2016, 12:22:01 PM »

Thanks everyone for the input and i guess i got caught up in the moment. Theres no doubt she s definitelly trying to suck me back in.By this mornings conversation i believe she realizes that her rages played a huge part along with the dyllusional jeoulosy. Already todays texts are a) she just got new cable package and has home phone and the new number is ------ b) i have an appointment today with a new gyno at 4 pm and she wants to keep on top of her hpv abd cysts on her breast. I would think thats not something you would share with an ex boyfriend and some one you said you hated. I certainly am gonna tread lightly with this and see how it progresses. First sign of any craziness and i'm shutting it down. I havent mentioned the move yet and i'll see how the next few days go.   Thank you everyone i guess were all here for the reasons we find it so hard to understand these loved ones and make sense.
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« Reply #42 on: February 02, 2016, 01:08:37 PM »

Thanks JQ for your support, and I love your words. I wasn't so much trying to justify or rationalize my breaks in NC, I was mostly trying to understand it for myself. Why do I keep breaking NC if it is so painful? I forgot another reason-- I've only really gone NC if she has contacted me. So maybe there is some FOG stuff there too. Fear that she'll never contact me again if I don't respond? (so fear of losing the connection for good?) Obligation because responding seems like what is "done" or should be done. Guilt? I'm not sure if I feel guilty-- that doesn't seem to be a big one.

Today is another rough one, on the edge of despair-- though I have had a few moments of feeling better. NC day 1, release with grace day 19. 






Bullet: comment directed to __ (click to insert in post) KC, PLEASE DON'T BEAT YOURSELF UP FOR THIS ACTION~! YOU ARE HUMAN, YOU LEARN, YOU GROW~!   you said, " I think there is also something just mean about telling someone you have something to say that you know will hurt (if that indeed is what she has to say, which of course it is, because what else would there be to say like that?"    You're trying to rationalize the behavior of a BPD with logic ANNND  we all know that a BPD behavior NEVER has & NEVER will make sense.  You said, "hurt by the prospect that what she has to tell me is that she is in a relationship with the replacement".  This is BPD behavior attempting to devaluate you by telling you how "wonderful" the replacement is or how they do "this something" so much better then you or to tell you that they are "a couple".  Your BPD continues this behavior because they know it has in the past and will continue to affect you in the future ... .UNTIL you decide that it WON'T any longer affect you ... .the choice is yours to make.

In your 3 points you mentioned ... .you are again trying to rationalize & justify your thinking to yourself "and maybe to us" why you should continue your contact with your BPD to some degree. (1) You haven't be able to "ENDURE" the crazy behavior up to this point and it's obviously taken a toll on your mental and physical health with not sleeping, eating, stressing, crying, among other emotional derailment ... .so what makes you think you can continue with this for the rest of your life much less for the foreseeable future? I'm curious ... .no judging ... .just looking for education and insight ... .(2) Be honest with yourself KC ... .Once you loved someone as deep as you have her ... .do you really believe that you can "JUST" be friends?"  What would your reaction be ... .how would you feel the first time you see your exBPD kiss another or hold hands?  (3) just because someone else does it doesn't mean it's ok for you to do it ... .what good would come from this.  AS far as that 20 mini chip ... .you got 10 more days ... .YOU CAN DO THIS~!   YOU know YOU can~!  If you truly want too ... .it appears you come to that fork in the road ... .take the path to the left & continue doing what you're doing or take the path to the right & see where that leads you ... .we can't decide for you ... .but we got your back either way.

@Steelwork,  You get a 1 month NC badge~!  Keep working on the 6 month badge~! You can do this~!  Get out with some friends ... .a movie, a salad, some good pasta, but get out. Occupy yourself with a new hobby ... .but you're doing very well don't doubt yourself or one moment~! 

@Rmbrworst, You said, "I think this stems from the relationship with my mother.  She was always sick, always needed attention and help.  I was always there to feed her and help her and nurse her back to health.  Then she would verbally abuse me and my father physically abused me. Looking back I think she had a personality disorder."    I truly believe you're on the right path in your own self discovery.  You are the classic codependent, "Care GIVER" and the perfectionist with the care you gave to your mother. It was this behavior that you grew up with that has imbedded into the core of who you are, always wanting to help, give assistance, give of yourself ... .you do it without thinking ... .you don't give it a second thought, you always sacrifice yourself, your happiness & own needs.  But even given all you had, trying to just help, doing the best you could was never good enough and you suffered the the rathe of both parents as not being good enough? Is that close? No need to answer ... .just question for thought ... .  if it is or isn't I would suggest that you seek out professional guidance & therapy to help you sort through those feelings, thoughts, and emotions to help you on your journey.


JQ[/quote]
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« Reply #43 on: February 02, 2016, 01:24:24 PM »

Also, I think part of what is sending me into a tailspin is I'm going back to the town where we both live for the first time since our breakup (2 months ago). The return is probably triggering all my anxiety. Could it be a bit of PTSD?
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« Reply #44 on: February 02, 2016, 01:31:14 PM »

LD,

24 hours ago you wrote,

"Well everyone first full day no contact. I go to the gym for a good workout and of course i ignore calls and texts. Come home and shower and knock on the door. I open the door and am greeted by 2 police officers asking my name and if i'm ok. I'm fine guys whats up. Well we got a call to check your "welfare" because you havent answered your phone. Can you beleive this craziness ive gotta explain as a cop to two cops that my exBPD gf ended a relationship 8 weeks ago and after enough b-----t i had enough and decided to not answer her. I explained the verbal abuse and rages and that i didn't need put myself in any predicaments trying to act rational with the irrational person you love. How embarrasing this was for me. I made no threats or any insinuations whets ever and she freaked out big time. This is the same girl who went insane if she thought i said anything about her to her family but she has the nerve to ask me if i'm mad she called the cops. I'm beyond pissed because i'm a very private person first of all and in reality all she had to do was make one accusation that she thought i was depressed over this breakup and i'd be sitting in an emergency room awaiting a psych eval for me who is not the crazy one here. I'd most likely have to be cleared by a department psych dr and this is exactly the reason i did not move in with her and did not spend many nights sleeping over. I ve certainly been deeply in love with her but 5 1/2 years if weekly rages left me very cautious. The countless times she threw me out i always was waiting for the tranquility and stability which never seemed to happen walking the weekly mine field."

AND today you wrote ... ."First sign of any craziness and i'm shutting it down."  "I would think thats not something you would share with an ex boyfriend and some one you said you hated".  So what has changed in 24 hours that you now want to share your plans to retire in a few days, move from the state, tell where you're moving too with your daughter Lexis when just 2 days ago you told her it was't a good idea to spend Lexis birthday with her?  Now I'm the one confused.  Why do you believe she is NOW stable enough to tell her of your plans without her going into ... .what did you call it ... .Oh yeah ... ."weekly rages" and "I made no threats or any insinuations whets ever and she freaked out big time."  .  Question ... .if she freaked out big time from you doing absolutely nothing what do you think her reactions are going to be once you tell her you're retiring in a few days and oh by the way I'm moving to this state? 

As Maplebob points out, this is EXTREME BEHAVIOR from her, no doubt. She is deregulating cycles are happening quickly which is part of the BPD mental illness. You have been in a tumultuous 5 1/2 yr relationship with this person with weekly rages. Do you really believe that she's going to do well when you tell the news?  IMHO you're ignoring clear signs of her mental illness because you want to believe that if you love her hard enough ... .if you care for her hard enough she'll become miraculously become cured of a lifetime mental illness.

Take a deep breath and step back from the situation for a moment officer LD ... .does any of this makes sense to you? Those with BPD generally will not make sense ... .they act in a illogical manner ... .they behave like that of a 3 year old toddler and will for the rest of their life. There are those with BPD that are known as "high functioning" like my exBPDgf who works for a fortune 100 company making 6 figures a year. She has an Ivy league education with 2 Master degrees ... .but when she is in those moments where she is interacting with those who are intimate with her she CAN NOT function as a rational human being. She like yours deregulates ... .example ... .I'm having a serious conversation with her about the relationship that causes her "engulfment" fears that triggers her 3 year old toddler behavior and the next thing I know she's talking about how funny a comedy show is or asking me if I would like to get a cheese pizza. Anything to avoid a conversation that will cause her EXTREME ANXIETY and have a melt down because she will NEVER be able to comprehend the many facets of a relationship. She's incapable of a life & love without the internal stress, anxiety, because at her core she is a seriously broken human being. I didn't CAUSE it, I can't CONTROL it, I can't CURE it.  I understand she's mentally ill ... .I understand that she'll never really live a "normal life" ... .I understand that our relationship will never be ... .I understand that I will miss her ... .that I will always have a part of my heart for her ... .but for my own mental health, physical well being, my own happiness I also know that I needed to move on without her ... .I know I had to go NC as suggested by Ph.d's, mental health professionals, therapist ... .what guidance and suggestions does yours suggest?

It'll get better with time ... .give it some time ... .be patient ... .take a deep breath ... .YOU have a lot on your plate with your pending retirement & relocation and more importantly your daughter.  IMHO, you don't need the added stress of your exBPD ... .just my opinion brother ... .stay strong ... .be safe ... .

JQ
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« Reply #45 on: February 02, 2016, 01:39:40 PM »

Also, I think part of what is sending me into a tailspin is I'm going back to the town where we both live for the first time since our breakup (2 months ago). The return is probably triggering all my anxiety. Could it be a bit of PTSD?

KC,

It's not what I think will send you into a tailspin but what you believe ... .if you're asking me ... .yes IMHO I believe there is some PTSD involved in your increasing anxiety. It would be normal for such feelings when you had such a toxic, emotional relationship with someone.  You as a NON feel deeply about your BPD and when you broke up it was probably ugly and hurt you deeply. The same can be said for a warrior on the battle field ... .although never lovers & having known each other for a relatively short period of time, a warrior feels deeply for their brother who's falling on the battle field and it hurst deeply and causes PTSD ... .emotions of the heart don't care if you break your heart with someone suffering from BPD mental illness or someone you called a brother and lost onto battle field.

I take it that it's a small town and the chances of running into one another is rather high?  Stay strong ... .its going to be difficult for sure. So maybe you can work on expanding your circle in restaurants or other places you frequent to avoid those awkward encounters.  Maybe you want to NOT advertise of your return to a lot of people. I would engage your therapist the best way forward in how to handle this PTSD along with your emotions and feelings.

JQ
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« Reply #46 on: February 02, 2016, 01:54:47 PM »

JQ,

Thank you brother. This is why i'm still here on these boards. When i feel the strong urge to reconnect i will be looking at your last post to put myself in a reality check. I guess we all have wishful thinking but these pwBPD are very keen at what they do to us.
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« Reply #47 on: February 02, 2016, 02:09:27 PM »

JQ,

Thank you brother. This is why i'm still here on these boards. When i feel the strong urge to reconnect i will be looking at your last post to put myself in a reality check. I guess we all have wishful thinking but these pwBPD are very keen at what they do to us.

LD,

You're welcome brother ... .I didn't really do anything but point out some things and have you ask yourself some questions. YOU are the one that thought things through!    

DON'T think for one moment you're alone in how your thinking about your exBPD ... .I too have those moments I wish with all that is good in the world that I could reach out to her, to tell her I care for her, to tell her I love her ... .but the simple reality is that I'll NEVER be able to do that ... .EVER!  I refuse to let myself be mentally, emotionally, physically abused by her anymore. I KNOW she is mentally ill and there isn't a dam^ thing I will ever be able to do about it. I have to love myself even more ... .

It was something never meant to be long term ... .but something that was meant to happen ... .because of this flying monkey circus of a relationship with her I really grew as a person, I learned so much about myself. And because of those things and so many more I can live a "normal" life and move forward ... .be in a loving and caring relationship with someone who really does love me and cares for me and is there for me ... .I learned how serious a mental illness BPD is ... .and I learned that I was a NON and had to learn to put myself first ... .to be responsible for myself and my own happiness. That my self worth wasn't attached to trying to fix anyone or take care of anyone that my self worth came from within ... .

JQ
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« Reply #48 on: February 02, 2016, 03:28:05 PM »

JQ,

It's these lucid times with them when they are acting as such normal people that were left wondering was it her or does she really have a mental illness. Have us questioning hey maybe this could really work. Then after reading your post i find myself reliving the past and realize how many times was the calm before the storm times you also fell into the vortez. I think we all wish we didn't feel so deeply for them and could just walk away from this unscathed. I'm really in a whirlwind of emotions today for sure.
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« Reply #49 on: February 02, 2016, 03:42:03 PM »

JQ,

It's these lucid times with them when they are acting as such normal people that were left wondering was it her or does she really have a mental illness. Have us questioning hey maybe this could really work. Then after reading your post i find myself reliving the past and realize how many times was the calm before the storm times you also fell into the vortez. I think we all wish we didn't feel so deeply for them and could just walk away from this unscathed. I'm really in a whirlwind of emotions today for sure.

LD,

I COMPLETELY understand where you're coming from brother.  I can't count how many times that I saw "MOMENTS" AND "ONLY MOMENTS" of clarity in her eyes, in her behavior that made me think that she can control this behavior ... .that there is someone inside there that loves me, that wants this to work and is willing to work for it. But this mental illness is a b!tch! 

Maybe it would be better for us as NONs to see something along the line of  schizophrenia or bi-polar both just as serious mental illness but does nothing to our own heart & soul if were to become involved with them ... .somehow maybe that would make more sense to us. The sad truth is that BPD is just a serious if not more serious mental illness because there really is no cure for them ... .there is "semi management" of their behavior with behavioral therapy and or mood stabilizers ... .but no real cure and that's what makes it so hard for us to really understand as the perpetual optimist that we are.

Their moments of clarity is very short as we both have experienced ... .then the hoards of flying monkey's take to the sky and we duck & cover!

Stay with me LD ... .stay strong ... .you can do this brother !  Concentrate on you for the foreseeable future! Concentrate on our beautiful daughter Lexis!  Ensure a smooth transition for you and for her to a new and relaxing chapter for the both of you!

Be safe ... .stay with me 

JQ
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« Reply #50 on: February 02, 2016, 07:10:47 PM »

WOW so many good posts here, and I just dont have time to respond to everything.  Please just know everything you guys have posted about has really helped me with my recovery, and I'm so thankful everyone is here helping each other through the heartache and trauma.

@KC

I definitely exhibited Co Dependant behavior with my exBPD, however, I'm not like this is every relationship. 

Another ex boyfriend of mine is still a great friend to me.  We still hang out together, we had a very healthy relationship, it just didn't work out because we slowly found that we were not compatible.  We discussed it, and we moved on from each other, but we knew we had a beautiful friendship that we didnt want to let go of.   I never exhibited the codependant behavior with him, not in the slightest.  However, our relationship was HEALTHY.

W/ my exBPD . . . its obvious looking back on it . . . how I just totally let my guard down and totally downgraded myself just to be with him.  I let down every barrier, had no boundaries, and I fell quickly.  Then my love turned into desperation as he discarded me . ... over and over and over again.  Of course, right after he would rage at me.  I did not realize it was unhealthy, until being no contact and looking back without the emotions getting in the way.

So I know that I truly have the ability to have a HEALTHY relationship.  I've done it before, it was great, and it's still great.  I love my exNON boyfriend.  We still have a lovely friendship.

However, I now know I have this side of me that can come out with the WRONG PEOPLE!  That's the key.  I have found there are certain people who bring out that "selfless" side of me, even if it hurts me.  I have recognized this.  I am STOPPING it.  I am in therapy.  We are working on this.  Boundaries are something I'm just learning about.  I should never have to sacrifice my well being just because I care for another. 

It's a hard lesson learned, but I'm getting there.  It will all work out in the end.  I think there's unresolved trauma in my past that I've carried over to adulthood, but with therapy, time, and effort on my part, I can put this behind me and move forward.  Thanks for your response.

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« Reply #51 on: February 02, 2016, 07:11:57 PM »

Hey guys/gals

I really enjoyed this article and it has helped me recognize patterns of abuse that happened w/ my exBPD. 

Education is power, and educating ourselves about this disorder (or these traits, whichever . . .) is essential to healing.  (imo)

I just wanted to share, hope you enjoy it, hope you get something out of it. 

www.mental-health-matters.com/borderline-personality-disorder-and-the-abuse-of-non-borderlines/
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« Reply #52 on: February 02, 2016, 09:27:51 PM »

W/ my exBPD . . . its obvious looking back on it . . . how I just totally let my guard down and totally downgraded myself just to be with him.  I let down every barrier, had no boundaries, and I fell quickly.  Then my love turned into desperation as he discarded me . ... over and over and over again.  Of course, right after he would rage at me.  I did not realize it was unhealthy, until being no contact and looking back without the emotions getting in the way.

So I know that I truly have the ability to have a HEALTHY relationship.  I've done it before, it was great, and it's still great.  I love my exNON boyfriend.  We still have a lovely friendship.

However, I now know I have this side of me that can come out with the WRONG PEOPLE!  That's the key.  I have found there are certain people who bring out that "selfless" side of me, even if it hurts me.  I have recognized this.  I am STOPPING it.  I am in therapy.  We are working on this.  Boundaries are something I'm just learning about.  I should never have to sacrifice my well being just because I care for another. 

Rmbrworst,

How long ago after no contact did you finally hit your state of not being emotionally attached and to rationally realize that you became a selfless person when you were with this exBPD?

I'm two weeks no contact and i know she is pretty toxic for me. I began to lose my sense of self in our relationship because i was so concerned about her approval and her needs. It drained me and when she didnt take me back, i was like an empty vessel. i didn't know who i was and was so empty. However, i'm making progress but i still find myself on days wondering about her. I think of the good times we had and i wonder how she feels about me blocking her number when i told her we could be friends (i didn't tell her i was going to cut her off, i just did it). I wonder if she thinks about the good times and if she misses me like i miss her.

I guess what i'm also asking is if this is normal to wonder like this and how long did it last?
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« Reply #53 on: February 02, 2016, 09:34:35 PM »

Hi wonderful gang,

Made it through the day, whew.

Congrats on 2 weeks NC, jc1010! How did you find the strength to do it?
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« Reply #54 on: February 02, 2016, 10:26:02 PM »

Hi wonderful gang,

Made it through the day, whew.

Congrats on 2 weeks NC, jc1010! How did you find the strength to do it?

kc sunshine,

thanks. well, the past three months, they have been the most productive three months i've had in terms of self growth in my whole life. Me as a codependent, i was finding myself in highs and lows. When i tried getting my exBPD back in early November, we met for coffee. I wanted her back bc i felt so depressed without her, felt completely empty and hopeless. I had hit rock bottom. After we broke up, i was drinking like a fish, doing drugs... i was slippin and i caught myself... i was depressed as sh!t. I woke up one morning and wanted her back, so like i said we met for coffee.

We talked and i asked if she was with anyone, she said no, i said do you see us getting back together anytime soon? she said i don't think so. I was in shock , i thought i was going to die. she was punishing me. Even though at the time of the break up i knew it was the right thing to do, i still emotionally wanted her back. I was so lost. I told her i was going to stop drinking. improving myself to prove her i'll do whatever to get her back. So i start hitting AA meetings, started seeing a therapist ect. Finally got a lot of sh!t off my chest i never told anybody to the therapist. see all these things that hurt the relationship (was blaming myself for its demise) i was working on and improving myself. So fast forward a month, december, last day of finals. i say lets get coffee again. we do, i want to show her how much i changed. I write a letter and read it to her about the changes i made and how i was uncovering trauma that caused me to do things in the relationship. She ends up saying she's not saying we can't end up together one day, but she doesnt see it anytime soon. she's happy for me ect. So im pretty hurt through it. cant stop thinking about her... so about two weeks later i log on her facebook. i had to know. she's been sleepin with some dude ten years older than us, three weeks after we broke up. i was shocked. i went and saw my brother, thought i wasnt gonna pull out of this. wanted to die. he talked so sense into me. he told me to cut her off completely. i do, this is around december 17th. throw out all her sh!t ect. the next night she calls me at 4 am. i didnt answer i was asleep. i was shocked. it was the first time she hit me up since the last day of finals. i am so confused. i text her ask her whats up. she said she was drunk. i am really not responsive, very one word answers.

the whole time though, i'm kind of happy that she's been taking an interest. she keeps texting me. i'm happy inside that she cares again. she asks me what she should do about dudes hitting on her at work, she's bored ect. I'm like are you kidding me Laugh out loud (click to insert in post). and i knew shes with the older dude too. but after two days, my emotional addiction comes back. i drunk call her and tell her i miss her, ect. it was dumb. but it was like back to square one. don't hear from her for weeks. but there i was again. i cared again. i was thinking about her again. so i felt like i had to relive this pain because i slipped up and let her gain control. logged back into her facebook, saw they were still hookin up. was torn up again. but i feel like its something i had to see. i'm devastated again, and thats when i realized i cant keep living like this... the ups and downs. So after that, i knew i couldnt keep hurting myself.

So basically what i'm trying to say here @kc is the thought of the pain i went through twice is what keeps me from contacting her. the pain i went through, the reliving my trauma twice through her abandonment and punishment. The thought of getting high and feeling so sh!tty in. that thought of rock bottom, the feeling of being so isolated and in so much pain and not knowing how to live with out getting her approval or making her happy is what keeps me from wanting to go through it again. Two weeks ago, i blocked her number and stopped playing the we can be friends game because it was making me care again.  i couldnt go through it again man. It's toxic. I found myself in the darkest times of my life, and i just couldnt let myself keep sinking to that feeling again everytime i began to think she cared and would begin to care back just to find out she doesnt

So i look at her as toxic, she left behind a toxic empty vessel and now that i have cut her off from pouring more pain and suffering into my vessel, im focused on scraping out the negativity and the childhood trauma that made me even want to look out for this type of girl in the first place. i look in the mirror. i uncover myself. I do this throuh writing in a journal, reflecting on my upbringing, seeing my therapist, trying to sweat out toxins, meditating and loving myself. Its not easy and like i said to rmbrworst, i  still think about her and wonder, but this is only the beginning and writing this sh!t down reminds me of the path im on to healing.  so that's how i do it, not wanting to relive that pain i felt and looking out for my own heart, hope you remember the pain she caused and the pain it will recause next time you go to hit her up man...

sorry that post was so long but it helps to write it out to remind myself too

-jc
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« Reply #55 on: February 02, 2016, 11:21:04 PM »

Hi wonderful gang,

Made it through the day, whew.

Congrats on 2 weeks NC, jc1010! How did you find the strength to do it?

KC,

To add to what JC1010 told you ... .each of us is different and responded to our BPD relationship & the break up on our own way. You have to get to a point like all of us that you reach that you don't want to feel like this anymore. You have to come to terms with the fact that you BPD is mentally ill, and there is nothing YOU are going to be able to do to resolve it. You have to decide when enough is enough ... .when the pain gets to much. You have to get to a point where  you want to explore and find the reason why you were attracted to your BPD in the first place. Then you can learn to grow and do what is right for KC and not for your BPD. As JC told you, "I look in the mirror. I uncover myself and all the ways to help get you there. JC gives some good guidance ... .

As he said ... .you finally have to be willing to end this endless cycle of B.S. and live for yourself ... .you only get one go around in life ... .how much longer do you want to spend on your BPD when any day at anytime you can be taken off of it. There is someone else out there that you'll fall in love with ... .there is 8,472,294,973 people in the world ... .don't let one determine you're path in life 

JQ
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« Reply #56 on: February 03, 2016, 01:08:24 AM »

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