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Author Topic: NC pep talk thread part 5  (Read 1199 times)
Anez
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« on: January 31, 2016, 12:58:49 AM »

Continuing this thread:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=289700.0

Having issues with NC? Need help? Advice? Want to share? Hit us up here!

Stay strong, everyone!
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Lexisdad
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« Reply #1 on: January 31, 2016, 10:43:08 AM »

So todays my daughters bday. As expected BPD exgf texted wish her a happy bday. Of course she bought relationship up and tells me reason she ended it is because i wouldn't sleep at her house every night and she was lonely(abandonment)! She also told me she was tired of the fighting. I didn't have the heart to tell her i was afraid sleep at her house every night because if the 3 or 4 rages a week and worrying if a knife would be plunged thru my back. I did tell her most of the fighting was over her trust,insecurity and jeolousy issues. Her answer not all! Ok 9 out 10 were but that wasn't an issue in her mind.

These people with BPD will never accept responsibility for any wrong doing. I even told her "i know you fell out of love with me and i accept it" and she answers " i never fell out of love with you and still love you, i'm sorry i hurt you". I even offered to go to counseling with her upon the breakup. Nothings wrong with me we don't need counseling were her words. Tomorrow starts full nc and even tho i hate to do it i have to because there s no turning back.
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La Carotte
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« Reply #2 on: January 31, 2016, 11:26:29 AM »

This is my first day of NC this time. I have to do it.

Despite the terrible way she's behaved, not just for the final incident but many many times in the past three years, I've spent the day dreading and hoping that she.ll turn up. She hasn't. And I haven't contacted her. I can go to bed in 4 hours  and will have done it and I will not contact her again tomorrow, no matter how many reasons my brain creates to convince me that if I just send this one message... .

This is torture.
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Lexisdad
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« Reply #3 on: January 31, 2016, 11:34:09 AM »

After 5 and a half years of her raging is not her fault! The hurtful words and baseless accusations were my doing?  Gotta do this.
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La Carotte
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« Reply #4 on: January 31, 2016, 11:39:10 AM »

Same story, Lexisdad! I spent time today reading our Messenger thread (couldn't face text or email) and I couldn't get over the number of times she accused me, or I referred to being hurt by what she'd said, and "I couldn't put up with it any more." Etc etc. and each time it was my fault, I wasnt accepting responsibility. BECAUSE I DIDNT DO IT!  And I did put up with it. Again and again and again.

Something has to change. For us both. We can do this. We deserve better.
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Anez
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« Reply #5 on: January 31, 2016, 01:40:28 PM »

So todays my daughters bday. As expected BPD exgf texted wish her a happy bday. Of course she bought relationship up and tells me reason she ended it is because i wouldn't sleep at her house every night and she was lonely(abandonment)! She also told me she was tired of the fighting. I didn't have the heart to tell her i was afraid sleep at her house every night because if the 3 or 4 rages a week and worrying if a knife would be plunged thru my back. I did tell her most of the fighting was over her trust,insecurity and jeolousy issues. Her answer not all! Ok 9 out 10 were but that wasn't an issue in her mind.

These people with BPD will never accept responsibility for any wrong doing. I even told her "i know you fell out of love with me and i accept it" and she answers " i never fell out of love with you and still love you, i'm sorry i hurt you". I even offered to go to counseling with her upon the breakup. Nothings wrong with me we don't need counseling were her words. Tomorrow starts full nc and even tho i hate to do it i have to because there s no turning back.

You're doing the right thing, lexisdad. You need space to recover and to take care of YOURSELF. She's not giving you that space and from all of your posts it seems like she's done and said a lot of hurtful things to you. Eliminating her from your life will immediately make your life a little better.

Good for you! Hope you have a nice day with your daughter. Happy birthday to her!
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Rmbrworst
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« Reply #6 on: January 31, 2016, 04:29:38 PM »

Haven't been on these NC threads much.  Still a bit depressed but honestly, I'm 5-6 weeks out now and it gets a lot better. You'll slowly detach from you exBPD and start focusing on the negativity they brought into your lives.

I miss the time we spent together, I had a great time with him, but it was based on lies and he strung me and another man along at the same time. 

I'll never get back with him and in the future I will learn to take pause and watch for warning signs next time.

Lesson learned.  Wish it was different but it's not.  I have accepted what happened and I have learned from it and now it's time to move on.  Still licking my wounds, but they're starting to scar now.

This experience will forever change the fiber of my being
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kc sunshine
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« Reply #7 on: January 31, 2016, 05:37:22 PM »

In what ways do you think, Rmberworst?




This experience will forever change the fiber of my being

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Rmbrworst
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« Reply #8 on: January 31, 2016, 07:06:46 PM »

@kc sunshine

For the past 10 years of my life, I've been very fortunate.  I have a lot of very close friends.  The type of friends where if I was in trouble, I could call them up and ask to stay with them.  The type of friends that I can trust with anything.  They're the friends I called and cried about my exBPD with, and they listened and they gave me support. 

But my luck ran out w/ the exBPD.

Part of the reason I got so caught up, was I ignored warning signs.  I figured my exBPD was a good person who was just sensitive, and that I could help them through.  Well that person left me discarded with no answer for cheating on me and lying to me.

So how will I change?

Well,  since I've been so fortunate . . . since I've been able to give myself so FREELY to so many people over so many years . . . I totally forgot . . . that some people are not to be trusted.  Some people are not what they seem.  However, I think the biggest thing that's going to change about me is this fact . . .

I can no longer trust my "intuition" about someone, and no matter how I feel about someone . . . warning signs are warning signs.

So I've changed . . . I dont "trust" like I used to.  I was lucky that for so many years I could trust so openly . . . but this has changed that. 
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steelwork
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« Reply #9 on: January 31, 2016, 10:51:24 PM »

I only have one mutual friend with him at this point. My challenge right now is that I want to mine that guy for any current information. He probably doesn't have any current information anyhow, since my ex has not been good about keeping up with him. (My ex was also friends with my brother but dropped him cold--never even returning a text--when he dropped me.)

Even hanging out with our mutual friend feels wrong.
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kc sunshine
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« Reply #10 on: February 01, 2016, 07:36:20 AM »

That makes sense, Rmberworst 

Last night my ex texted me telling me she wants to tell me something. I'm bracing for her to tell me that she's in a relationship now (instead of just casually seeing my replacement). I think it might be a tough day. I'm telling myself "release with grace" like it is a mantra. Any other hints for how to face this dreaded news?
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itgirl
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« Reply #11 on: February 01, 2016, 07:44:20 AM »

kc --  its dreaded news now but eventually a blessing in disguise.  My ex getting engaged after one month of breaking up with me made me very angry.  And that is how I was able to detach.  The previous 4 recycles happened as there weren't a 3rd party involved.

It got me through it.  I knew anything I told my ex would be discussed with the replacement.  So I decided to say nothing.  NOT A WORD.

hang in there. 
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Rmbrworst
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« Reply #12 on: February 01, 2016, 07:49:39 AM »

@kc

Overall my advice is just LC or NC.  It may be in your best interest to only send a brief one sentence response or not respond at all.

You have to focus on yourself and detach. 
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kc sunshine
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« Reply #13 on: February 01, 2016, 08:58:43 AM »

Now she won't tell me until I'm back in town in the middle of the week. That feels even worse, to have to wait for the bad news. Should I try to get her to tell me sooner or should I just leave it be? I'd so much rather know than not to know since she brought it up. It feels awful. Here's our exchange:

Ex:

   Hey... .I want to tell you something. Are you there... .?

Me:

   Too early to call?

Ex:

   At work already... .Maybe better to just wait til you get back anyway. Sound good?

Me:

   But now curious... .Can you write it?

Ex:

   No. Sorry for bringing it up! We can just talk when you get here. Still thinking tomorrow or Wednesday?

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Rmbrworst
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« Reply #14 on: February 01, 2016, 10:02:31 AM »

Are you trying to remain no contact?

Sounds like you two are having a lot of interaction.  This is going to slow your recovery, unless you are wanting to continue a relationship/friendship.

In short, if you are supposed to be NC, these things should not be an issue (as you're making the promise to yourself not to speak unless absolutely necessary).
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Lexisdad
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« Reply #15 on: February 01, 2016, 11:36:29 AM »

Well i finally did it. Last night after some back and forth texts with BPD exgf she had audacity to tell me she could never let me see her son again and did i know what that would do to him. This is a 13 year old who i adored like my own son and he introduced me to everyone as his "stepdad".That was no doubt the line in the sand because i treated her son so well and you make me out like i'm some monster forbidding me to ever see him again.

So this morning i went full no contact. The texts begin, "are you ok" " i know your upset why are you ignoring me and call me i'm worried about you". Then the calls so far 7 today. I refuse to answer the texts or phone calls. I've made no suicidal remarks or anything abd yes i'm upset and brokenhearted but i had to do it. It really hurts to ignore her and go full nc but the relationship is past the point of no return and her let's be freinds for the kids was all b------t.
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MapleBob
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« Reply #16 on: February 01, 2016, 11:49:54 AM »

Day 24 here and I'm missing her a lot again. I'm not tempted to actually contact her or do anything about it (that's on her if she decides to, and I have to respect that), but dang. Maybe all the NC talk about "it takes 2-3 weeks to really miss someone" isn't just a line of garbage.

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JQ
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« Reply #17 on: February 01, 2016, 11:59:48 AM »

Well i finally did it. Last night after some back and forth texts with BPD exgf she had audacity to tell me she could never let me see her son again and did i know what that would do to him. This is a 13 year old who i adored like my own son and he introduced me to everyone as his "stepdad".That was no doubt the line in the sand because i treated her son so well and you make me out like i'm some monster forbidding me to ever see him again.

So this morning i went full no contact. The texts begin, "are you ok" " i know your upset why are you ignoring me and call me i'm worried about you". Then the calls so far 7 today. I refuse to answer the texts or phone calls. I've made no suicidal remarks or anything abd yes i'm upset and brokenhearted but i had to do it. It really hurts to ignore her and go full nc but the relationship is past the point of no return and her let's be freinds for the kids was all b------t.

LD,

I know this has been along time coming and I know just how hard it has been, but I know that you have Lexi AND YOUR best interest at heart!.  It's sad to think that she's using her son as a pawn with you ... .but for BPD is ALL ABOUT THEM!   

YOU know this, but here's a gentle reminder ... .to go FULL NC, you'll need to block her number so you don't get all those calls and texts.  Trust me from my experience and others on here it's never going to stop and for your own healing as well as Lexi you might want to consider blocking them.  Just a thought.  I know it hurts ... .but 30 days makes a habit. You have a lot to do in the next 30 days to keep you busy and you don't need to be interrupted or thinking about any of her calls or text or the lack there of.

This is the start of a new day, a new month, a new year and a NEW LIFE!  YOU GOT THIS BROTHER!

JQ
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Lexisdad
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« Reply #18 on: February 01, 2016, 12:30:21 PM »

JQ,

I hear you on the blocking of the number. This was the first step and that will follow. It certainly wasn't something that i was looking to do but i have finally come to the realization that the relationship is over. It was her decision and i respect her wishes. This morning i made the dreaded trip to the ivf doctor to sign the release to destroy the fertilized embryo's. It was not something i wanted to do but one can only hold onto a glimmer of hope so long.

Like everyone here it's gonna take some time to really heal from this. Thats the dynamics of being with a pwBPD and the aftermath. It pains me to ignore the woman i so deeply loved but they really leave us in such despair we have no choice. Thanks bro!
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jc1010

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« Reply #19 on: February 01, 2016, 04:14:22 PM »

 "here's a gentle reminder ... .to go FULL NC, you'll need to block her number so you don't get all those calls and texts.  Trust me from my experience and others on here it's never going to stop and for your own healing as well as Lexi you might want to consider blocking them.  Just a thought.  I know it hurts ... .but 30 days makes a habit." -JQ

I'm beginning to find out this is such a valid statement. For the last three months, i left my exBPDs number unblocked. I would get the calls, the texts, i even was still following her on instagram, i even responded to the texts/ calls because i wanted there to still be hope. I eventually was terrified to get a text or call from her, or even see her on instagram because if the relapse of pain, but my subconscious still for some reason wanted to get a text or call from her.

And when she would text or call me every three weeks or so, it was honestly reopening the cut in my heart that i was trying to heal. And I was always asking myself what message that would send to her if i blocked her? what would she think about it? would she think i was weak? I thought it would be like losing the battle, showing signs of weakness and bringing me embarrassment.

I couldnt take it anymore though, the check-ins were killing me and killing my healing process. And i would always wonder why she was checking in on me if she already has a new guy. It was driving me nuts and i feel like it would drive anyone nuts. So about a week ago i blocked her number on verizon, cut her off completely, she can't get into contact with me. And i realized that i can't think about what she will think of it, i have to love myself and not let myself get hurt like this. I'm doing this for my own heart, letting myself heal. Sure it's tough but i just concentrate on the healing, everyday my heart heals a little more. I'm not gonna let her rip it open because i'm not gonna let her hurt me anymore. My NC is still fresh, its been two weeks and its gonna go a lot longer than that.

This is only the beginning and in order for me to heal, i have to focus on making myself happy, focus on healing myself everyday. I find myself thinking about the really good times we had and it hurts that its over. But i just then think, well she wasnt the one for me, she hurt me so badly, i love myself and wont let that pain come back. You see, for so long i focused on getting her approval, making her happy and filling her needs that i lost my identity in it. I lost my ability to make myself happy and my sense of self. It's really hard, to not wonder about it, but i just keep being there in a positive way for myself, protecting my heart.

And i can't feel bad about not answering her because it hurts me way more than she will ever know if i keep allowing myself to see the texts and voicemails.  

These wounds run deep, but its making me have to get happy and find the root problems of why i was with her in the first place (need to please others or make them happy). Because i cant live like this anymore, the pain is just too much. When i drop the hope that we will end up together, when i realize that the girl i loved no longer existed is when i find healing to be easiest.


LexisDad, hope you find that inner peace man, i'm prayin for you.


These links have really been helping me out if any of you want to check them out.

www.rapidbreakuprecovery.com/no-contact-rule-after-a-breakup/


www.rapidbreakuprecovery.com/my-girlfriend-left-me-for-another-guy/

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Lonely_Astro
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« Reply #20 on: February 01, 2016, 04:30:25 PM »

Well, I'm 2 weeks into NC (again).  I slipped up and had a conversation with her that resulted in us having contact for a few days.  It made me feel worse, so I went back NC.  Of course, I work with her, and I had to be in her department today.  I said maybe 3 sentences to her while there, all work related.  I could feel her looks burning into me as I ignored her the rest of the time.  I got my work done there as quick as possible and fled like I had suddenly caught fire.

I instantly wanted to scream at her.  I wanted to tear her down in front of everyone about how fake she is, about what she had done to me and has gotten away with it.  But, I didn't.  I still felt a great amount of pain being around her.  Pain and anger.  I keep reminding myself, even if I don't want to, that she chose to do all the stuff she did to me.  She also chose to continue that hurt by leaving the roses out where I would see them (this, still, causes me a great amount of pain and also ushered in me going NC with her two weeks ago).

Even though I feel I know quite a bit about BPD, I still can't believe that a human being can do to another human what she has done to me (and others, no doubt).  To use them in such a way and then just discard them as if they're less than trash only to replace them with another.  Like one of those plastic forks from the box in the lunchroom.  Unbelievable.

It doesn't help that I have been dreaming about her at night.  I try to not think of her to much during the day, which isn't easy, but now I'm not even escaping her at night.  I just want her to go away.  Ugh.

I know time will heal me, as will distance.  But that feels so far away right now.  So distant.
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JQ
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« Reply #21 on: February 01, 2016, 05:43:09 PM »

Hey Group,

This place is becoming more like a AA meeting!  WE need to hand out tokens for 1 month, 6 mph & 1 yr increments NC!  "Hello ... .my name is JQ and I'm XX days NC!"  Welcome JQ!     

 

@JC1010, It's really, REALLY good to see you on a good path to healing in your post. You have come to a point in your life that you not only you need to move forward, but more importantly you WANT to move forward!  This is a GINORMOUS step for you on this new path you've chosen and you should be proud of yourself for the strength it took for you to get here.  I know it's been hard, but as you can see each day it gets a little easier to distance yourself from your BPD.  You've also learned that in order to finally completely heal you needed to go NC ... .the re-cutting of your wounds will finally stop and you can finally start to heal. You might stumble every now & then but we'll be here for you to help you up. I'm really happy for you!  Just a few more days and the first 30 are over! YOU CAN DO IT! 

@MapleBob, I would like to say congratulations on 24 days NC!  It's ok to miss your BPD, they were for a short period of time a big part of your life. Some would say they miss their BPD like a bad case of herpes ... .they go away but they still keep coming back when you least expect it! LOL    Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)   Come on guys that's funny! Feel free to use it!  I now some of you will     You have to keep a since of humor when you've been part of a BPD relationship.   I digress, going NC is tough for sure, but what you've been doing isn't working for you so far is it?  Like JC1010 has said ... .give it some time and things will & do get better.  You don't miss your first gf or bf do you? If you're honest with yourself you'll admit that you think about them from time to time, but so much time has past that you can't ever imaging ever seeing much less dating them again. This will be the case with your BPD soon enough.  In the not to distant future you'll look back and wonder, "what the HELL was I doing? What the HELL was I thinking?"  Hang in there ... .by the time the Super Bowl is here you've got a MONTH in! 

@KC Sunshine, part of the reason the NC is suggested to NONs aka codependents by therapist, Ph.d's etc, is because in the BPD world, they need to remain in control of any one person who they're in a relationship with. When they put you in a "time out" like she is doing for you she's in control of YOU & YOUR feelings, emotions. 

She dropped the bait ... .x:

   Hey... .I want to tell you something. Are you there... .?

YOU swallowed it whole ... .

Me:

   Too early to call?

She set the hook deep ... .

Ex:

   At work already... .Maybe better to just wait til you get back anyway. Sound good?

Me:

   But now curious... .Can you write it?

She's keeping you on line without reeling it in ... .

Ex:

   No. Sorry for bringing it up! We can just talk when you get here. Still thinking tomorrow or Wednesday?

By doing this, she remains in control of you and she knows it. It's power, you gave yours up to her. As long as she remains in control of you, your emotions, your feelings you're not going to heal yourself and be able to move forward on a more positive path in life. Rmbrworst is very much correct when they told you, "This is going to slow your recovery / You have to focus on yourself and detach."  So my question to you is have you made the choice yet to move forward without your BPD & still having a difficult time finding your way or is there a different path you want to take?

@Rmbrworst Congratulations on your 5-6 weeks! YOU get a 1 month badge    I know that what you went through was difficult as we've all experienced with our own BPD. You've got a great start on your healing and the lessons learned about what BPD is ... .but I would also look inward if you haven't yet and learn why you are a care giver, codependent and the peacemaker. Like me you might have to go back your childhood & take a deep dive there and learn why you are the way you are. You might not like what you find but I'm sure you'll learn so much more then what to look for in avoiding a BPD. You give some good guidance to KC ... .it's a process to get through it all ... .but there is a light at the end of the tunnel and it sounds as if you see the light and are moving towards it!

@Steelwork, you said, "My challenge right now is that I want to mine that guy for any current information."   Why do you want to "mine" this person for information? What information are you hoping to gain from this sniping of information I'm confused?  You also said, "My ex was also friends with my brother but dropped him cold--never even returning a text--when he dropped me."  To me this another way for your exBPD to remain in control of you. They know that, they're smart, they've learned to survive. No information aka time out aka silent treatment is a way for them to control what you see, hear, or do.

@Everyone, A BPD wants to remain in control of the relationship, this isn't new to any of us here. If they text you & you respond, they will put off answer response, this is a form of MANIPULATION of you!   If they call or text you at all hours of the night, this is a way for them to find you out your most vulnerable  by interrupting you're REM sleep.  If they distant themselves from a mutual friend it's so that they remain in control of that part of your life. They will MANIPULATE you in a variety of ways that we've all experienced and can give example after example.  It's hard to understand the actions of the mentally ill with BPD. BPD doesn't and NEVER will make sense to us and that is in part why it so hard to let go ... .to go NC. We are the forever the  optimist thinker hoping beyond hope that somehow the mental illness is going to get better when we know in your brain it won't but in our heart we hope ... .

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steelwork
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« Reply #22 on: February 01, 2016, 05:56:38 PM »

@Steelwork, you said, "My challenge right now is that I want to mine that guy for any current information."   Why do you want to "mine" this person for information? What information are you hoping to gain from this sniping of information I'm confused?

[hangs head in shame]

I just MISS him!
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« Reply #23 on: February 01, 2016, 06:10:11 PM »

@JQ

Love your post, especially how you broke down KC's interaction with his exBPD.  Spot on.

I do not exhibit do dependant behavior in my "normal" life (with friends, co workers, family), but in relationships I am now finding I often want to be the caretaker and savior.

I think this stems from the relationship with my mother.  She was always sick, always needed attention and help.  I was always there to feed her and help her and nurse her back to health.  Then she would verbally abuse me and my father physically abused me.

Looking back I think she had a personality disorder.  In fact, we have not spoken in 7 years.

I'm realizing how much my past is affection my love life, and that's why I no longer look at the relationship as a burden.  I feel this relationship happened for a reason.  It was a wake up call for me.  Now that all the wounds are open and everything has been brought to the surface, I can pin point what is happening and take control of my relationships.

I've already learned that boundaries are important, and paying attention to and ACCEPTING red flags is the second major thing I have learned.

I love my exBPD.  I miss him as well.

However, I will not tolerate being treated poorly ever again.  No matter how much I "love" someone. 

It's funny, in my other personal relationships I'm not a push over, it's just my love life.  My friends were like ":)ude, we cannot believe you're putting up with this.  You would never put up with this crap."

It's true, I don't put up with it normally, but in romantic life I apparently haven't learned my lesson.

I'm learning it now thankfully.

Much love to everyone
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JQ
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« Reply #24 on: February 01, 2016, 06:13:54 PM »

Well, I'm 2 weeks into NC (again).  I slipped up and had a conversation with her that resulted in us having contact for a few days.  It made me feel worse, so I went back NC.  Of course, I work with her, and I had to be in her department today.  I said maybe 3 sentences to her while there, all work related.  I could feel her looks burning into me as I ignored her the rest of the time.  I got my work done there as quick as possible and fled like I had suddenly caught fire.

I instantly wanted to scream at her.  I wanted to tear her down in front of everyone about how fake she is, about what she had done to me and has gotten away with it.  But, I didn't.  I still felt a great amount of pain being around her.  Pain and anger.  I keep reminding myself, even if I don't want to, that she chose to do all the stuff she did to me.  She also chose to continue that hurt by leaving the roses out where I would see them (this, still, causes me a great amount of pain and also ushered in me going NC with her two weeks ago).

Even though I feel I know quite a bit about BPD, I still can't believe that a human being can do to another human what she has done to me (and others, no doubt).  To use them in such a way and then just discard them as if they're less than trash only to replace them with another.  Like one of those plastic forks from the box in the lunchroom.  Unbelievable.

It doesn't help that I have been dreaming about her at night.  I try to not think of her to much during the day, which isn't easy, but now I'm not even escaping her at night.  I just want her to go away.  Ugh.

I know time will heal me, as will distance.  But that feels so far away right now.  So distant.

LA,

I'm reminded of a line from a move that applies here quite well ... .indulge me if you will ... .""And why do we fall, Bruce, so we can learn to pick ourselves up."

―Thomas Wayne to a young Bruce Wayne"  

We all stumble from time to time ... .you come to this group and put your hand up and we'll help you back up ... .we'll dust you off, straighten you up. Then it's up to you to take the next step in journey ... .I commend you on not punching her in the throat at work ... .nothing good would come from that  

I know it's even harder because you work near each other ... .you have extra challenges ... .but I know you're up to the task if you have it in  you to go NC. The flowers are a way to manipulate you're feeling and open old wounds.  Ignore the bait ... .there's a big pit filled with sharp spikes if you go to bite the bait ... .     

Go out of your way to ignore her when you need to ... .don't worry about her hurt feelings ... .or how you might feel guilty ... .YOU are responsible for your feelings!  O what YOU need to do in order to move forward ... .

JQ
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JQ
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« Reply #25 on: February 01, 2016, 06:25:16 PM »

@Steelwork, you said, "My challenge right now is that I want to mine that guy for any current information."   Why do you want to "mine" this person for information? What information are you hoping to gain from this sniping of information I'm confused?

[hangs head in shame]

I just MISS him!

SteelWork,

PLEASE DO NOT HANG YOUR HEAD IN SHAME!  YOU HAVE NOTHING TO BE ASHAMED FOR!   It's ok to miss your BPD ... .we all do ... .it's normal.  It's ok to love your BPD ... .we all do.  BUT you NEED to LOVE YOURSELF first and foremost!   Your heart aches ... .I understand ... .we all understand it.  How long has it been since you've gone NC or have you gone NC yet? You stumbled on your journey ... .heres a hand ... .take it ... .let me dust you off ... .now it's up to you to continue your journey.  WE all know you can do it!   It's going to get better ... .when was the last time you thought about your first junior high school sweetheart?  It's been a couple of days?  Thought  The same will be for your BPD ... .just give it some more time ... .there is a light at the end of the tunnel ... .stay the course.

JQ

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« Reply #26 on: February 01, 2016, 06:36:26 PM »

Thanks. Needed it.

Basically, 9.5 months. There was one BIFFy exchange in Sept. (I wrote to ask if he wanted a certain thing or should I get rid of it, hoped he was well. He said no thanks, hoped I was well, said a chatty thing, I left it there.)
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Rmbrworst
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« Reply #27 on: February 01, 2016, 06:49:13 PM »

@Steelwork, you said, "My challenge right now is that I want to mine that guy for any current information."   Why do you want to "mine" this person for information? What information are you hoping to gain from this sniping of information I'm confused?

[hangs head in shame]

I just MISS him!

SteelWork,

PLEASE DO NOT HANG YOUR HEAD IN SHAME!  YOU HAVE NOTHING TO BE ASHAMED FOR~!   It's ok to miss your BPD ... .we all do ... .it's normal.  It's ok to love your BPD ... .we all do.  BUT you NEED to LOVE YOURSELF first and foremost~!   Your heart aches ... .I understand ... .we all understand it.  How long has it been since you've gone NC or have you gone NC yet? You stumbled on your journey ... .heres a hand ... .take it ... .let me dust you off ... .now it's up to you to continue your journey.  WE all know you can do it~!   It's going to get better ... .when was the last time you thought about your first junior high school sweetheart?  It's been a couple of days?  Thought  The same will be for your BPD ... .just give it some more time ... .there is a light at the end of the tunnel ... .stay the course.

JQ

This is everything in a nutshell.

It's okay to love and miss your exBPD, but you need to love yourself first.
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kc sunshine
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« Reply #28 on: February 01, 2016, 07:30:38 PM »

First of all, you guys are the best. What would I do without you? I'd be sinking even more than I am now. Thank you thank you thank you.

Gang, I am exhibit A of what happens when you don't stay NC. JQ, you hit the nail on the head with your breakdown of our interaction. Oh man. The worst. And I'm devastated by it. Hurt by the interaction and hurt by the prospect that what she has to tell me is that she is in a relationship with the replacement.

It was hard to put my finger on what felt so wrong about the interaction-- why I felt so wronged, but I think JQ nailed it. But in addition to control, I think there is also something just mean about telling someone you have something to say that you know will hurt (if that indeed is what she has to say, which of course it is, because what else would there be to say like that?) and then making them wait for it. In her head, she's probably justifying it by thinking "oh I'll tell her in person and that is kinder than over the phone," which could have been true if she hadn't said anything but she did. Is this right, or am I being over-the-top sensitive?

It's all crazy-making-- it actually does make me feel crazy. Also, the weird thing is that she texted me in the middle of a date! (she always had a theory that BPD gave her a 6 sense-- when things like that happen, sometimes I think it is true!)

I have to really figure out why I'm not going total NC. Here's what comes to mind, but there may be deeper things:

1) A sense that I can endure this crazy behavior. (I'm not sure that it is true-- I've never really interacted with someone that has the potential to be really mean before, so it really may be way out of my league)

2) I love her still. I think my love could transform into a friendship love but these kind of interactions aren't helping that transformation. That's actually a good justification for NC.

3) She's good friends with a couple of her exes and I'm good friends with mine as well. Interestingly the exes she is friends with are the ones that broke up with her instead of her breaking up with them. Maybe she wounded the ones that she broke up with too badly to be friends with her.

On the good side, I haven't checked social media even though I am dying to, especially today. Can a get a 20 day mini-chip for that?

 




@KC Sunshine, part of the reason the NC is suggested to NONs aka codependents by therapist, Ph.d's etc, is because in the BPD world, they need to remain in control of any one person who they're in a relationship with. When they put you in a "time out" like she is doing for you she's in control of YOU & YOUR feelings, emotions. 

She dropped the bait ... .x:

   Hey... .I want to tell you something. Are you there... .?

YOU swallowed it whole ... .

Me:

   Too early to call?

She set the hook deep ... .

Ex:

   At work already... .Maybe better to just wait til you get back anyway. Sound good?

Me:

   But now curious... .Can you write it?

She's keeping you on line without reeling it in ... .

Ex:

   No. Sorry for bringing it up! We can just talk when you get here. Still thinking tomorrow or Wednesday?

By doing this, she remains in control of you and she knows it. It's power, you gave yours up to her. As long as she remains in control of you, your emotions, your feelings you're not going to heal yourself and be able to move forward on a more positive path in life. Rmbrworst is very much correct when they told you, "This is going to slow your recovery / You have to focus on yourself and detach."  So my question to you is have you made the choice yet to move forward without your BPD & still having a difficult time finding your way or is there a different path you want to take?

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JQ
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« Reply #29 on: February 01, 2016, 08:14:55 PM »

Hi Group 

Some thoughts ... .

Bullet: comment directed to __ (click to insert in post) KC, PLEASE DON'T BEAT YOURSELF UP FOR THIS ACTION! YOU ARE HUMAN, YOU LEARN, YOU GROW!   you said, " I think there is also something just mean about telling someone you have something to say that you know will hurt (if that indeed is what she has to say, which of course it is, because what else would there be to say like that?"    You're trying to rationalize the behavior of a BPD with logic ANNND  we all know that a BPD behavior NEVER has & NEVER will make sense.  You said, "hurt by the prospect that what she has to tell me is that she is in a relationship with the replacement".  This is BPD behavior attempting to devaluate you by telling you how "wonderful" the replacement is or how they do "this something" so much better then you or to tell you that they are "a couple".  Your BPD continues this behavior because they know it has in the past and will continue to affect you in the future ... .UNTIL you decide that it WON'T any longer affect you ... .the choice is yours to make.

In your 3 points you mentioned ... .you are again trying to rationalize & justify your thinking to yourself "and maybe to us" why you should continue your contact with your BPD to some degree. (1) You haven't be able to "ENDURE" the crazy behavior up to this point and it's obviously taken a toll on your mental and physical health with not sleeping, eating, stressing, crying, among other emotional derailment ... .so what makes you think you can continue with this for the rest of your life much less for the foreseeable future? I'm curious ... .no judging ... .just looking for education and insight ... .(2) Be honest with yourself KC ... .Once you loved someone as deep as you have her ... .do you really believe that you can "JUST" be friends?"  What would your reaction be ... .how would you feel the first time you see your exBPD kiss another or hold hands?  (3) just because someone else does it doesn't mean it's ok for you to do it ... .what good would come from this.  AS far as that 20 mini chip ... .you got 10 more days ... .YOU CAN DO THIS!   YOU know YOU can!  If you truly want too ... .it appears you come to that fork in the road ... .take the path to the left & continue doing what you're doing or take the path to the right & see where that leads you ... .we can't decide for you ... .but we got your back either way.

@Steelwork,  You get a 1 month NC badge!  Keep working on the 6 month badge! You can do this!  Get out with some friends ... .a movie, a salad, some good pasta, but get out. Occupy yourself with a new hobby ... .but you're doing very well don't doubt yourself or one moment! 

@Rmbrworst, You said, "I think this stems from the relationship with my mother.  She was always sick, always needed attention and help.  I was always there to feed her and help her and nurse her back to health.  Then she would verbally abuse me and my father physically abused me. Looking back I think she had a personality disorder."    I truly believe you're on the right path in your own self discovery.  You are the classic codependent, "Care GIVER" and the perfectionist with the care you gave to your mother. It was this behavior that you grew up with that has imbedded into the core of who you are, always wanting to help, give assistance, give of yourself ... .you do it without thinking ... .you don't give it a second thought, you always sacrifice yourself, your happiness & own needs.  But even given all you had, trying to just help, doing the best you could was never good enough and you suffered the the rathe of both parents as not being good enough? Is that close? No need to answer ... .just question for thought ... .  if it is or isn't I would suggest that you seek out professional guidance & therapy to help you sort through those feelings, thoughts, and emotions to help you on your journey.


JQ
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