What is she trying to do here?What is the best way to respond in this situation?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Backstory in short:

- Begged me to fly across the country and stay with her for 6 weeks.

- I did.

- 1 week later she had sex with her ex

- 2 weeks later she told me to leave because she needed space.

- Didn't contact me for a week.

- Wrote a 9 page letter a week ago saying how terrible I am.

- I responded with a short, polite message to acknowledge the letter and close it.

- A week later (tonight) she responds saying:

"I really am sorry that things didn't work out.  I really did want to try.  I wanted to believe it would work, but I could feel something wasn't right the first night you were here and couldn't verbalize it.

There are some things about yourself that you need to work out too.  All these people who are somehow inadequate or crazy in your life have one thing in common... .

Goodbye now and I really am sorry and wish you the best."

------------------------

Question: What is she trying to do here?

Question: What is the best/most powerful way to respond?  No response? Or "please don't contact me again" Or?

[woofbarkmeowbeep]

Backstory in short:

- Begged me to fly across the country and stay with her for 6 weeks.

- I did.

- 1 week later she had sex with her ex

- 2 weeks later she told me to leave because she needed space.

- Didn't contact me for a week.

- Wrote a 9 page letter a week ago saying how terrible I am.

- I responded with a short, polite message to acknowledge the letter and close it.

- A week later (tonight) she responds saying:

"I really am sorry that things didn't work out.  I really did want to try.  I wanted to believe it would work, but I could feel something wasn't right the first night you were here and couldn't verbalize it.

There are some things about yourself that you need to work out too.  All these people who are somehow inadequate or crazy in your life have one thing in common... .

Goodbye now and I really am sorry and wish you the best."

------------------------

Question: What is she trying to do here?

Question: What is the best/most powerful way to respond?  No response? Or "please don't contact me again" Or?

[Nextinline]

Bin it. Ignore it. Treat it with the contempt it deserves.

Don't give her the pleasure of a response.

[FannyB]

Sounds like projection to me. By highlighting your deficiencies she neatly sidesteps responsibility for messing you around so badly.

NIL is right though. What's the point of responding? If she was physically a 5 year old child, you could send her to bed without supper for being naughty. As she's emotionally a 5 year old child there's not much you can do except put it down to where's it's come from, shake your head and move on.  

Doesn't mean you can't consider whether there's anything you need to work on however - as none of us are perfect.


Fanny

[woofbarkmeowbeep]

*sigh... .such a hopeless situation huh... Sheesh...

[valet]

Hey woofbark, that sounds like a lot to handle.

How does it make you feel?

[woofbarkmeowbeep]

Hey woofbark, that sounds like a lot to handle.

How does it make you feel?

Hey Valet... Yes... tis been quite an exhausting ride... especially given I've still got two weeks in her country before I leave... I've had all kinds of headaches (I never get headaches) since she kicked me out and the whole thing is quite hard to process... Friends tell me to 'move on and forget about it' which is easier said than done. I fell for her big time and was sucked right into it all... so it's going to take a while I think to smooth out... .

But overall I feel like an absolute fool and obviously very hurt... she told me she was on top of her BPD with the therapy she has been engaged in the past year... of course, she was anything but... Part of me wants to write a huge email to her tearing her gaslighting etc in her 9 page letter apart... but I realise it is pointless... and that makes me feel helpless in a hopeless situation. ah man...

[Rmbrworst]

Bin it. Ignore it. Treat it with the contempt it deserves.

Don't give her the pleasure of a response.

Exactly.  Amen.

@wolfbarkme

You're right, it is pointless, and it's just dragging you into drama.

It's so hard to let it go, but let it go.  She doesn't care if you were hurt, or if she does care she won't accept responsibility and just turn it around on you.

My exBPD blamed me as the reason he was cheating on me.

Ya buddy, okay.

[kc sunshine]

Write your letter here, woof, to us. We'll get it and understand.

[steelwork]

Write your letter here, woof, to us. We'll get it and understand.

Definitely, writing your heart out can be cathartic.

[Penelope35]

I kind of have a different opinion about this. If you can understand and accept that writing a letter to her won't change her way of thinking and won't make her realize where she is wrong, if writing to her won't put your healing on hold or back while waiting for her reply and won't create any expectations for you and all you want is just to say your site of the story and get it out even if you know it won't be heard, then you can go ahead and do it. Just expect that she may respond in a way that will get you more frustrated.

[steelwork]

I've been writing-not-sending letters for a long time now, and those letters have changed a lot. Almost a year ago I thought, "Oh, I really get it now" and wrote a letter and didn't send it. Then a few weeks later I wrote a slightly different letter that seemed truer to what I felt and didn't send that either. This happened so many times that I eventually decided there was not going to be a final perfect letter that I could send and not expect a reply to and feel I'd gotten it off my chest. I realized that my feelings would probably keep evolving, and I'd keep having different insights, so best not to send that letter at all, because it would never be The Last Letter.

[Penelope35]

I've been writing-not-sending letters for a long time now, and those letters have changed a lot. Almost a year ago I thought, "Oh, I really get it now" and wrote a letter and didn't send it. Then a few weeks later I wrote a slightly different letter that seemed truer to what I felt and didn't send that either. This happened so many times that I eventually decided there was not going to be a final perfect letter that I could send and not expect a reply to and feel I'd gotten it off my chest. I realized that my feelings would probably keep evolving, and I'd keep having different insights, so best not to send that letter at all, because it would never be The Last Letter.

I agree that that you never get to the point where you trully accept that this would be the last letter and that you will be done with everything you had to say. But I think some of us may need to react or say something before we can realize and accept this. I wrote and never send a lot of letters but I did send two at times when I wasn't as frustrated which I don't regret. Sending them did affect me in a lot of negative ways but in the end I think also helped me realize that there is no way I can be understood by him

[steelwork]

I agree that that you never get to the point where you trully accept that this would be the last letter and that you will be done with everything you had to say. But I think some of us may need to react or say something before we can realize and accept this. I wrote and never send a lot of letters but I did send two at times when I wasn't as frustrated which I don't regret. Sending them did affect me in a lot of negative ways but in the end I think also helped me realize that there is no way I can be understood by him

This is like me with my mother. Every once it starts to seem like a good idea to try to get through to her. It never works, but for a little while I'm at least reminded that there's no getting through to her.

Curious: what kinds of response (if any) did you get to your letters?

[steelwork]

oops. Every once IN A WHILE that is.

[Penelope35]

My ex is the kind who would recognise his faults and apologise. And this is what he did but of course that didn't lead anywhere.  He would still try to explain why he did/said what he did/said with excuses that didn't make any sense or other manipulative comments. But I guess I needed to do that before I realised that it only served to get it out of my system

[Penelope35]

It did get me into those never ending cycles of arguments that left me more hurt and frustrated though. But I guess I had to learn the harsh way. It did also give me a tiny sense of peace though because I got things out of my system

[steelwork]

My ex is the kind who would recognise his faults and apologise. And this is what he did but of course that didn't lead anywhere.  He would still try to explain why he did/said what he did/said with excuses that didn't make any sense or other manipulative comments. But I guess I needed to do that before I realised that it only served to get it out of my system

Right. Well, when we were still communicating, my ex would ignore the substantive parts of my emails and only reply to the superficial parts and goof around or complain about how hard his life was (all this while I was alone with the scorched wreckage of the r/s, trying to be a good sport, and he was as he put it "having fun" with my replacement).

I mean, it was bizarre. He'd send me emails about significant-sounding dreams he had about me, or write to tell me how tragically compromised his life was, or that he was worried he had skin cancer, or that he was going to lose his job (irrational worries). He agreed at one point that we should meet  and talk in person (he'd dumped my by email), said he'd get back to me with a time, then said he was "afraid" and feeling "avoidant"-- then more chitchat and happy talk or complaints about how hard it was to find a new apartment (it turns out he was apartment-hunting with my replacement, though he never mentioned that part).

Until finally I pretty much forced him to acknowledge what was really happening between us--and that there was no "friendship" if he couldn't acknowledge my feelings or even say (yes/no) whether this in-person talk was ever going to happen. At which point he pretty much told me to go f*ck myself and then froze me out permanently.

[Penelope35]

I can totally get what you are saying. Replying to the sulerficial parts and not looking at the big picture was very common. Both times I send a letter though I knew his fear of abandonment was at its pick (although he was the one who broke up with me) so I knew i would be heard a little bit more

[steelwork]

He would have probably been happy to maintain email contact indefinitely. Because, unlike face-to-face conversation, you can respond selectively.

I.e. he is a coward.

[steelwork]

I want to say--and apologies for thread-jacking--that all my attempts to have adult-style, mature communication (including a face-to-face meeting, which I consider a minimum show of respect when you break up with someone who you once claimed was the love of your life) happened before I put 2+ 2 together and realized that I was dealing with someone with a personality disorder. I now understand that I was pissing in the wind. If I could go back in time, I would never have subjected myself to that torture, and I do not recommend it to anyone else.

[valet]

Hey woofbark, that sounds like a lot to handle.

How does it make you feel?

Hey Valet... Yes... tis been quite an exhausting ride... especially given I've still got two weeks in her country before I leave... I've had all kinds of headaches (I never get headaches) since she kicked me out and the whole thing is quite hard to process... Friends tell me to 'move on and forget about it' which is easier said than done. I fell for her big time and was sucked right into it all... so it's going to take a while I think to smooth out... .

But overall I feel like an absolute fool and obviously very hurt... she told me she was on top of her BPD with the therapy she has been engaged in the past year... of course, she was anything but... Part of me wants to write a huge email to her tearing her gaslighting etc in her 9 page letter apart... but I realise it is pointless... and that makes me feel helpless in a hopeless situation. ah man...

I'm sorry man. It sucks when we're feeling down and our friends don't really get it. I've been there before too.

I agree that a long email would probably be inappropriate. Just remember, it's ok to feel hopeless. Just part of being human. Let at all of that stuff in. It's always easier in the long run to address those feelings now, so that you can get to the bottom of what led you you to where you are now.

I hope you feel better soon!  

[steelwork]

Just remember, it's ok to feel hopeless. Just part of being human. Let at all of that stuff in. It's always easier in the long run to address those feelings now, so that you can get to the bottom of what led you you to where you are now.

I hope you feel better soon!  

Right--I guess that's what I really wanted to say.

I think I delayed my own recovery by staying engaged, which was really about trying to beat back the feelings of hopelessness.

[woofbarkmeowbeep]

Just remember, it's ok to feel hopeless. Just part of being human. Let at all of that stuff in. It's always easier in the long run to address those feelings now, so that you can get to the bottom of what led you you to where you are now.

I hope you feel better soon!  

Right--I guess that's what I really wanted to say.

I think I delayed my own recovery by staying engaged, which was really about trying to beat back the feelings of hopelessness.

You mean staying engaged with your BPDex in a dialogue?

[woofbarkmeowbeep]

Hey woofbark, that sounds like a lot to handle.

I'm sorry man. It sucks when we're feeling down and our friends don't really get it. I've been there before too.

I agree that a long email would probably be inappropriate. Just remember, it's ok to feel hopeless. Just part of being human. Let at all of that stuff in. It's always easier in the long run to address those feelings now, so that you can get to the bottom of what led you you to where you are now.

I hope you feel better soon!  

Thank you, Valet. Tis a good reminder that hopelessness (like all of the messiness coming up) is something that I can just sit with without necessarily trying to overtly 'fix' it. Over time it will pass... .!

[steelwork]

Just remember, it's ok to feel hopeless. Just part of being human. Let at all of that stuff in. It's always easier in the long run to address those feelings now, so that you can get to the bottom of what led you you to where you are now.

I hope you feel better soon!  

Right--I guess that's what I really wanted to say.

I think I delayed my own recovery by staying engaged, which was really about trying to beat back the feelings of hopelessness.

You mean staying engaged with your BPDex in a dialogue?

Yeah. Keeping up the email exchange in the hopes that it would preserve a friendship.

[woofbarkmeowbeep]

Just remember, it's ok to feel hopeless. Just part of being human. Let at all of that stuff in. It's always easier in the long run to address those feelings now, so that you can get to the bottom of what led you you to where you are now.

I hope you feel better soon!  

Right--I guess that's what I really wanted to say.

I think I delayed my own recovery by staying engaged, which was really about trying to beat back the feelings of hopelessness.

You mean staying engaged with your BPDex in a dialogue?

Yeah. Keeping up the email exchange in the hopes that it would preserve a friendship.

How long ago was this? and how did it end? - are you still in contact?

[steelwork]

How long ago was this? and how did it end? - are you still in contact?

The email contact ended last March. As I said in a previous post in this thread:

"Until finally I pretty much forced him to acknowledge what was really happening between us--and that there was no "friendship" if he couldn't acknowledge my feelings or even say (yes/no) whether this in-person talk was ever going to happen. At which point he pretty much told me to go f*ck myself and then froze me out permanently."

Sorry--it was buried at the end of a minirant, so easily missed.

That was it until late September, when I sent him a brief friendly housekeeping email (asking if it was okay to throw a certain thing out that he might want) and he replied with a brief friendly response (that he didn't want the then, hoped I was well).

And that was it. It goes without saying that this was a non-closure situation. Very very painful.

I tried to modify this post and it's formatting the whole thing as a quote now. Sorry.

[steelwork]

wbmb, I know it's hard when we're in this situation (plus radio silence in my case which seems to be permanent) not to envy the people who are posting elsewhere about hearing apologies from their exes. I painfully wish for some acknowledgement from him that I ever meant anything to him, after an epic seduction and then the most intense romantic relationship I've ever had. After being told that he would never love anyone after me. Etc.

But we may be the lucky ones.

[steelwork]

(Also, my response to your question got formatted as one big quote--above.)

[Aussie0zborn]

That's just classic. She is trying to make you question yourself, cause you confusion and with your confusion show that it was YOU that was the cause of the relationship failure and all the turmoil. The confusion also clouds your judgement in trying to determine what happened, to process it and to make sense of it. If we could have made sense of it when we needed to, we would have walked away very early in the piece unscathed.

Seems to me you are questioning yourself already. These tactics really do succeed.

The answer her is simple : be kind to yourself and block her totally. NO CONTACT is the best first step and the best response. After that, you can start looking at why you would fly across the country and subject your good self to a situation you know is bad. Or at least, should have known. And if you didn't know, you can look at why not. From here on, it's about you - not the ex. Please don't get fooled again.