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Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse... Have you considered that being critical, judgmental, or invalidating toward the other parent, no matter what she or he just did will only make matters worse? Someone has to be do something. This means finding the motivation to stop making things worse, learning how to interrupt your own negative responses, body language, facial expressions, voice tone, and learning how to inhibit your urges to do things that you later realize are contributing to the tensions.
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Author Topic: Wife told promininent couples in our Church that I have abused her..now what?  (Read 475 times)
Sluggo
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« on: January 31, 2016, 06:34:12 PM »

Wife told some very influential couples in our church and our associate pastor that I have been physically and verbaling abusing her over the last 17 years.  She tells me that she told them and then she told me what they told her... .  "I cant believe he would do that, I am so sorry for you, I never new that about him, how horrible, etc". 

These are false but now not sure what to do (really it should have me saying that about her)... .  Up to this point, I have not said anything to those couples who she said she talked with.  but some of them were our friends.  I am uncomfortable. 

I don't know how or if I should respond?  Any thoughts or similiar situations?  How did it play out?  Would you do something different if you had to do it all over again. 



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gomez_addams
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« Reply #1 on: February 01, 2016, 03:44:09 AM »

That's got to be crushing to have to go through.  I can only imagine the anguish of wondering if your friends or other folks you respect (and whose respect you desire) mistakenly believe you're an abuser.

My uBPDxw never made good on her threats to tell cops/church/employer/friends and family of the abuse (which never happened).  I still fear -- even though we're divorced -- that she'll come out of the woodwork with some fabricated story.

One option for you would be to set up a meeting with the associate pastor, and let him know that she told you.  Perhaps she told them, perhaps it's just manipulation.  At least with the associate pastor, he's in some sort of official capacity, and you can approach him for some level of counseling on how to handle it.

As for the prominent couples, I understand that Church is a social structure, and while a prominent couple might not be a big deal for others, it might be for you.  You can't control what they think and can't control what your wife tells people.  I don't think that making counter arguments will do any good in the long run. 

Gomez
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Aussie0zborn
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« Reply #2 on: February 01, 2016, 10:18:13 AM »

Oh boy, this is not good. My ex did the same amongst her friends. I ignored it as those friends were basically oxygen thieves (I've never used that term before as I think it's severe but this gives you the idea).

Now, 2 1/2 years post separation and divorce, she sought a restraining order and after a court hearing she got one - even though I proved I was overseas on two out of three occasions that I allegedly followed and threatened her. On the third occasion, the police found I was on the  other side of town going about my business. So her argument changed... ."a long recorded history of abuse" was the reason she had lied to the court and the court believed her. So now I'm appealing  and my costs are again over $10,000

Nip this one in the bud. Deal with it, don't let it go. Talk to the senior pastor in a counselling situation. It's no good going to the prominent members as you are, in their minds, an abuser and you hid it from them so well all these years that they now distrust you.

You might just make a covert sound recording and play it to your pastor. If it's any good you might even play it to the prominent couples to show them what you have to endure.

Another word of caution - perhaps she didn't say anything at all. This is how they lock you in and keep you obedient - you don't want your reputation destroyed now do you? So you now know what's going to happen when you leave her, right?

Plan your exit strategy with all the evidence you need, whether you use it or not. Just save it and keep it in a safe place  it could salvage your reputation and your emotional well being.
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cosmonaut
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« Reply #3 on: February 01, 2016, 10:26:08 AM »

I'm really sorry to hear this, All4BVM.  This must be a frightening and emotionally exhausting experience.  I think you are getting some good advice: you need to take active steps to protect yourself.  Keep records.  Save any emails, text messages, voice mails, etc.  :)ocument any verbal threats.  You never know if she may up the ante and involve the police.  We can hope that she won't, and she may not, but you need to be taking steps in case that she does.  I also think it's sound advice to talk to the pastor and let him/her know what is going on.  He/she may have some advice on what to do, and their influence will carry weight with the rest of the church.

I'm really sorry, man.  These smear campaigns are nasty business.  As someone who abhors domestic abusers and wants to see them treated with severity, I am deeply troubled by false accusations.  Let us support you here.  You might also want to post in the legal board since members there often have more experience with this sort of thing and might be able to give you better first hand advice.
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Rmbrworst
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« Reply #4 on: February 01, 2016, 11:10:10 AM »

I had something similar happen to me.

I would (and have) gotten a lawyer to inform me of my rights and what options I have.  A woman claiming you abused her is not okay, and in my opinion, these accusations need to stop even if at the threat of legal action.

This can escalate in a very bad way and I think you should be prepared. 

Not cool.

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Pretty Woman
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« Reply #5 on: February 01, 2016, 03:50:14 PM »

Hi there,

   I am so sorry to hear you are being victimized by your ex.

This happened to me. I will tell you this: if you are of good character people will see through her accusations, if not initially eventually.

This final discard I find out my ex was telling people I had severe mood swings and she was afraid for her life. All which is laughable given she physically assaulted me... .almost broke my arm.

What I've learned is this... .there will be enablers. There is nothing you can do about this. There are also people that will play both sides because they themselves fear rejection.

All you need to do is hold your head up high. Don't bash her or try to prove to others she is emotionally ill. Prove yourself in your actions. Continue being a good soul and to hell with the naysayers. Your ex mentally beat you up enough... .don't let outsiders.

You are worth more than that!

PW

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mywifecrazy
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« Reply #6 on: February 01, 2016, 05:47:04 PM »

I agree with Pretty Woman. Hold your head up high! The decent HEALTHY people that are worth keeping in your life will not take her words for granted and will come to you to hear your side of things. The ones who would believe serious accusations about you without talking to you first are not worth having in your life anyway!

I had a similar situation. My uBPDxw was going around telling people that I sexually abused her (rape), physically abused her and my sons. When I Found out I was in SHOCK as she is a waif and acted like a chameleon. I was very upset because I found out that she told family, friends, neighbors, etc. She even was telling a cop that she was running around with these things and he belongs to my church. I was so stressed out that I was about to go around and tell the people in my church that if they heard these stories that they weren't true. I stopped myself because I knew it would just make me look like the crazy one. I decided to put it in Gods hands and let go of things that weren't in my control.

In the end the people are seeing the truth about me by my actions and not any words they may have heard. Also by her actions. They see me at church with my kids all the time. She stopped going. She stopped associating with her girlfriends at church. They see me keeping her family involved with our kids because she has abandoned her own mother and siblings, They see that she has abandoned the kids to me as the primary custody parent. Etc, Etc, Etc.

I would not recommend going around church trying to clear your name. Use that energy to get closer to your Lord and Savior while your at church. The people you want to keep in your life will see through the distortion!

I do understand the anxiety you are going through. It's scary when someone smears you like that. Not to mention the potential legal troubles.

Hang in there!

MWC... .Being cool (click to insert in post)
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The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the Lord delivers him out of them all. (Psalm 34:18, 19)
Sluggo
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« Reply #7 on: February 04, 2016, 07:55:32 AM »

Thank you all for sharing your experience and support. 
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apollotech
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« Reply #8 on: February 04, 2016, 09:11:13 PM »

All4BVM,

I am sorry to hear that that has happened to you. She's triangulating you (as the persecutor) in order to garner sympathy for herself (the victum) from the church family (the rescuer). That's not a diagnostic criteria for BPD; we all triangulate to some extent. Do you have any thoughts as to why she feels the need for the sympathy? That's a major push, so, at least to her, something major occured. Remember, if she is afflicted with BPD, the "major" occurance could actually have been a good thing or normal to a healthy person.
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Sluggo
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« Reply #9 on: February 08, 2016, 07:17:49 AM »

All4BVM,

I am sorry to hear that that has happened to you. She's triangulating you (as the persecutor) in order to garner sympathy for herself (the victum) from the church family (the rescuer). That's not a diagnostic criteria for BPD; we all triangulate to some extent. Do you have any thoughts as to why she feels the need for the sympathy? That's a major push, so, at least to her, something major occured. Remember, if she is afflicted with BPD, the "major" occurance could actually have been a good thing or normal to a healthy person.

The major event was that I left the house and went to an apartment for the last 3.5 weeks.  It is almost like the things I believe she does to me are the things that she accuses me of.  It makes me pause when she does that and look over my actions.  It places that doubt in my mind of like am I really the problem.  I know I have my part of being too passive, non confrontational, a pleaser, but not what she says I do : control her, speak to her in very condescending ways, block doors, grab me-- she does all that. 

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Panda39
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« Reply #10 on: February 08, 2016, 01:45:44 PM »

It is almost like the things I believe she does to me are the things that she accuses me of. 

What you describe above is projection and it is common with pwBPD.

Below is a definition and a link about projection... .

Projection

Projection is a defense mechanism, operating unconsciously, in which what is emotionally unacceptable in the self is unconsciously rejected and attributed (projected) to others.  Projection is denying one's own unpleasant traits, behaviors, or feelings by attributing them, often in an accusing way,  to someone else.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=70931.0

Panda39
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"Have you ever looked fear in the face and just said, I just don't care" -Pink
Grey Kitty
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« Reply #11 on: February 08, 2016, 03:41:16 PM »

Q1: How credible is your wife's statement that she told these people?

Do you believe she actually did it?

Have you been seen any response/reaction from these people?

Q2: How credible is your wife with these people?

They might not believe her, especially if they've seen evidence of how much she kept you under her thumb... .
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naguma
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« Reply #12 on: February 08, 2016, 03:56:04 PM »

Went through something similar.

Therapist helped out here, therapist told me to get my ex on record saying I never raped her as that is often the next step.

Her advice went something like this.

You need the answer within 3 hours of first asking.

Play the hurt ex partner, something you are probably familiar with at this point. In my case I asked her about a specific instance and said something alone the lines of "On such and such night we did this and I hope you don't think I would ever rape you?" (pick any night of wild sex, there were probably things that could be construed as rape). You know the tone, the one where you're afraid you hurt her - you're normal way of communication at this point probably.

Then flood every outlet until she is forced to response - bordering on harassment. For me, it was call her sister - her work - and send her multiple messages. This affects 2 things. First, you are acting exactly as she portrays you and that pleases her - so she wont be looking for another way to hurt you, better chance at honesty about rape. Second, you don't give her time to realize she may want to use rape against you at some point in the future.

Consequently, this was the last interaction I had with my ex. After the false accusations of abuse, I never wanted to see her again (even if I still love her.).
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naguma
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« Reply #13 on: February 08, 2016, 03:58:20 PM »

a
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teapay
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« Reply #14 on: February 08, 2016, 07:07:36 PM »

Like Grey Kitty,  I would also ask if anyone at your church has approached you about her accusations against you since they are pretty serious and the folks she supposed told are prominent and possibly leaders, pastors or elders.  I would hope so and hope they would not just try to ignore or condone serious abuse in the church fellowship, especially if they believe it.  Are you and she still attending there?

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