Fifth Breakup in BPD Relationship

[RicoHal]

Good evening together,

this is my first post on this message board and I am near desperation. My woman for 3 years is in a serious struggle with me right now, I do not know what I can do.

Let me start my story:

We started our relationship about 3 years ago and she introduced herself having slight psychological issues, beeing on treatment for them. At first there were only little moments when she was "unjust" towards me or others, but as time went by, this "episodes" have become more and more hostile towards me.

Very loving in the beginning

Althouh it was very loving and we promised each other to be honest, she suddenly broke up in 2014 (first time) for the reason "to be free" , she said there were no feelings in her , she was an empty shell. She started putting up pictures of her ex-bf and dropped all contact towards me.

After some weeks we were able to talk, we arranged some meetings together and finally made it up. A good time with vacations and lots of love followed, she even seemed to be on the better side of things.

Episodes of "freedom"

I started reading on BPD and noticed more and more of her "episodes" beeing triggered by the contacts she was with... .if we had time together , I could be near we could easily relate and make up all our problems, but when we were seperate for more than a week I noticed she was fading away... .beeing unfriendly and rude, unsocial towards me and not a loving partner. When we were together some days, this rapidly changed and she was a nice woman again.


We had several break-ups, often times in times when she was very stressed by her university, I guess "punishing me" was some kind of coping mechanism she developed. I often took the approach of NC , because I was very hurt and had to go away for some time, although I just wanted to be near her.

Last weekend - it is the most stressfull time of university right now - she finally said there was no love in her left to hold the relationship upright... .we had this talk several times , always finding back together. There was a little clash before , I have not heard anything from here since sunday.

In this moment I am just very sad and dissapointed, because many people want me to give up on here , which I do not want at all. I know that she is suffering a very bad illness, but there really is little to no help from the enviroment she is in. She has very bad self destructive behaviour, which is in parts encouraged by the people she is around... .Now I am afraid she is searching for a replacement (of me)... .

Does someone know what to do? I have certainly the power hold her, but she seems to not want it in these phases... .she is already seeing a therapist on this, but there is no real devotion in curing this, but establishing her "ideas of freedom" which stem from these episodes in which she "need no one"... .

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[1minuteatatime]

Good evening together,

this is my first post on this message board and I am near desperation. My woman for 3 years is in a serious struggle with me right now, I do not know what I can do.

Let me start my story:

We started our relationship about 3 years ago and she introduced herself having slight psychological issues, beeing on treatment for them. At first there were only little moments when she was "unjust" towards me or others, but as time went by, this "episodes" have become more and more hostile towards me.

Very loving in the beginning

Althouh it was very loving and we promised each other to be honest, she suddenly broke up in 2014 (first time) for the reason "to be free" , she said there were no feelings in her , she was an empty shell. She started putting up pictures of her ex-bf and dropped all contact towards me.

After some weeks we were able to talk, we arranged some meetings together and finally made it up. A good time with vacations and lots of love followed, she even seemed to be on the better side of things.

Episodes of "freedom"

I started reading on BPD and noticed more and more of her "episodes" beeing triggered by the contacts she was with... .if we had time together , I could be near we could easily relate and make up all our problems, but when we were seperate for more than a week I noticed she was fading away... .beeing unfriendly and rude, unsocial towards me and not a loving partner. When we were together some days, this rapidly changed and she was a nice woman again.


We had several break-ups, often times in times when she was very stressed by her university, I guess "punishing me" was some kind of coping mechanism she developed. I often took the approach of NC , because I was very hurt and had to go away for some time, although I just wanted to be near her.

Last weekend - it is the most stressfull time of university right now - she finally said there was no love in her left to hold the relationship upright... .we had this talk several times , always finding back together. There was a little clash before , I have not heard anything from here since sunday.

In this moment I am just very sad and dissapointed, because many people want me to give up on here , which I do not want at all. I know that she is suffering a very bad illness, but there really is little to no help from the enviroment she is in. She has very bad self destructive behaviour, which is in parts encouraged by the people she is around... .Now I am afraid she is searching for a replacement (of me)... .

Does someone know what to do? I have certainly the power hold her, but she seems to not want it in these phases... .she is already seeing a therapist on this, but there is no real devotion in curing this, but establishing her "ideas of freedom" which stem from these episodes in which she "need no one"... .

Have you told her that you love her?  Does she know?  If so, you must not contact her.  You must let her chase you.   She will if she wants you back.  Can you put her texts on "silent"?  If so, do it.  You do not have to text her back.  You can literally wait until she asks to sit down and see you.  That is the best way.  Then you have to be cool, calm and collected.  You bring up nothing but light and airy topics.  All on the surface.  Nothing heavy.  At all.  Fun.  Tease a little.

I wasn't.  I had demands.  I assumed she wanted back.  Backfired completely(but not really because I don't want her back unless she finalizes her divorce and I am single.)  Otherwise I would only do FWB.  Those are the only options for me.  Casual sex w/ no commitment or wait and hope I am single. 

[thisagain]

Welcome to bpdfamily, Rico!

I can tell how much you love your (ex?) girlfriend. It's really hard to love someone who has BPD traits, and watch them cycle from being loving partners to wanting nothing to do with you. Whether she comes back or stays away, you're in the right place to find help and support.

Here you can learn more about BPD and the things you can do to minimize the conflict and hurt in your relationship. The first few links listed here are a good place to start: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=287068.msg12704923#msg12704923

Also, and maybe more importantly, you can learn about boundaries and taking care of yourself, so that the back-and-forth with your relationship will be less upsetting and disruptive in your life.

Have you tried to contact her since Sunday? How long has she stayed away during your past breakups?

[RicoHal]

I really honestly and unconditionally love her, even if she is very rude / upsetting I would not leave her out in the cold. The only boundary is sex with another man, which would completely be a no-go for further relations with her.


I really appreciate the help so far from this site, thank you very much !


There was no contact at all from any side since the weekend , also usually I am not the one to initiate it. She sometimes stays away for 2-3 weeks, but one time it was 4 months when there were no signs of her at all. NC usually has worked very well, but her enviroment ("friends" and boys around her , maybe family) who always let her down, might support her "having a little outlet" in destroying herself... .they dont get this disease at all.


In the past I had (unknowingly) 2 BPD Partners before on which I basically clinged too much which ruined the relationship after there first "phases" of anger and hatred towards me. They started crying after we cuddled or just belittled themselves constantly... .

[1minuteatatime]

I really honestly and unconditionally love her, even if she is very rude / upsetting I would not leave her out in the cold. The only boundary is sex with another man, which would completely be a no-go for further relations with her.


I really appreciate the help so far from this site, thank you very much !


There was no contact at all from any side since the weekend , also usually I am not the one to initiate it. She sometimes stays away for 2-3 weeks, but one time it was 4 months when there were no signs of her at all. NC usually has worked very well, but her enviroment ("friends" and boys around her , maybe family) who always let her down, might support her "having a little outlet" in destroying herself... .they dont get this disease at all.


In the past I had (unknowingly) 2 BPD Partners before on which I basically clinged too much which ruined the relationship after there first "phases" of anger and hatred towards me. They started crying after we cuddled or just belittled themselves constantly... .

NC has helped me to just get "centered".  I love her.  I always will.  I don't know if we will ever work out.  I will respond to her texts but I am trying to live my life.  Dating again. 

I met a gal that I think is pretty cool.  Holds a decent job, takes care of both of her kids and says that she wants to see me for a 3rd date. 

I am actually more compatible with the new dating person than my BPD ex.  But.  Starting over is work.  It takes effort.  I will make the effort because I am worth it.

[RicoHal]

There is still no sign after 42 days of NC , but I talked to ok BPD girlfriends. They were honestly sorry for that they had done to me, which is kinda strange.

I have gained a substantial amount of muscle and new, better clothes and wealth. I guess it had a little good in it. But I still wonder if I should reestablish contact to her... .What do you think?

[hurtinchicago]

There is still no sign after 42 days of NC , but I talked to ok BPD girlfriends. They were honestly sorry for that they had done to me, which is kinda strange.

I have gained a substantial amount of muscle and new, better clothes and wealth. I guess it had a little good in it. But I still wonder if I should reestablish contact to her... .What do you think?

In all honesty, this is a decision that only you can make. You have to weigh your feelings for her against the backdrop of her behavior toward you. It's a tough call, and one that I am currently juggling with my girlfriend. All I can say is good luck.

[thisagain]

So you've had three girlfriends who you think had BPD? Have you had any who you thought were mentally/emotionally healthy? Strong emotions and low self-esteem, like you describe in your other ex-girlfriends, can be symptoms of BPD or a lot of other things. I'd say most healthy women (and many men!) act that way at times.

It sounds like you've been focusing on taking care of yourself over the past month, which is great. And it's natural to still have the impulse to re-establish contact with her, especially as some of the initial pain wears off and you start remembering more of the good times. What do you hope would happen if you initiated contact? 

Have you done any learning and thinking about whether you want to knowingly go back into a BPD relationship? A good place to start is The Do's and Don'ts for a BP relationship

[RicoHal]

To this day I have kept NC , also found out that she now finally has blocked me from every way of communication and deleted every reference to my existence in her life.


I have done some thinking the last days, sorted out all the photographs and saw in more than 400+ pic we were actually having many good times together... .I guess no one had this much "action" in so little time, I have really travelled very far with this woman.

The breakup is still a riddle to me, as more and more girl approach me (even from my past!) to be my friends... .

The initial borderline girls (diganosis was confirmed by themselves and doctors)  have all returned, 2 are even in therapy for their behaviour right now.

To this day they claimed some unexplainable force took them away from me (in their words)... .they often thought of me but never contacted me for some reason... .now there is a loving , caring vibe in them, even regret it seems... .


The recent girl has made no effort to seek me out yet (40 days NC) , my things are still at her home but nothing has happened so far.