Just found out my wife probably has BPD

[Optimister]

Hello everyone,

I'm glad such a forum exists. I searched for a long time for a fitting illness for my wife's symptoms, and I think I found it. I'm reading "Loving Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder" and it suddenly all makes sense. So I can start validating my wife - might be too late already but worth a try.

My next two tasks:

Confirming the diagnosis. Not sure how to do that. Just talk to her? Have her Mum or her friend talk to her?

Secondly, making her stop flirting constantly over facebook with her colleague. Last time she did this with a different colleague, it took a few months and she wanted to move in with him. He rejected her. Would like to avoid that happening to her (and me!) again. Don't want to rely on the new guy doing the right thing to make my wife not run away from our family (2 girls, 4 and 7 years old).

Again, happy to be here

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Scarlet Phoenix]

Hi Optimister  

I like your name!

Sounds like you already have a good hold on things. Another great book is Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist.

It's never to late start validating! It's great that you want to give it a try, it's one of the best tools we have to calm high waters. Can you maybe give an example of something you would like to validate? We can help you work on it here and give you feedback (we're nice, we don't bite  )

As for confirming the diagnosis, there's really no way you can do that, only a professional can do that. But that's okay, you can still recognize specific behaviors and use the tools we have here to learn how to deal with them. Lots of our members have partners that are not diagnosed, but the member feel that they fit with the behavior pattern.

I understand why you would want your wife to stop flirting over facebook, I wouldn't have liked that either. That would come under boundary work.

There's lots to dig into here on the website, I suggest starting with just avoiding invalidation, then add on validating and finally build up towards boundary work. To much change at once will rock the boat too much. It's better to smooth the waters first with validation.

Have you seen these?

TOOLS: Stop Invalidating Your Partner (or the BPD person in your life)

and

Communication Skills - Validation

[Optimister]

Thanks for the kind reply

Things that I struggled to validate in the past were for example "I'm tired" independent of the fact that she slept 10 hours and didn't need to do much or . With validation I can hopefully get her to chip in more and say "I can understand that you're tired, you seem to have a lot going through your mind. Let's just do the housework this morning, then we can have a nap later" or something like that. I'm probably too direct still, right?

Thanks for the recommendation, I hadn't heard of that one before.

[babyducks]

Hi Optimiter



I wanted to join Scarlet Phoenix in saying hi and that it's nice to have you with us.

A couple of thoughts for you to mull over.    First on confirming the diagnosis.  It's strongly recommended by the experts that we NOT tell our SO that we suspect BPD due complicated reasons within the illness.  It tends to backfire.

Validation is a skill that takes some time to develop.   And I find it's kind of a unique skill,   what works once for validating my partner might not work on a different day or for a different person.

On your example of being tired.   I would have validated something like this.   I would have validated the feelings first.   I understand it's hard to feel tired all time.  That has to be difficult.  Still I would like to do some housework this morning.   What do you  think about chores in the morning and a nap in the afternoon?    I tend to ask either/or questions rather than an open ended when do you want to do the house work as either/or questions are easier to answer.

what do you think?  how would that work for you if you tried it?

'ducks

[Optimister]

Hello babyducks,

That's great advice, thank you. I was always wondering how to get my SO to start wondering whether she could suffer from BPD, and discussed it with my "Support Group" (3 friends and  my sister who I tell everything) and we all agreed it shouldn't be me who plants the seed. I'm hiding the books as if they were naughty ones   

It's great to have that "validated".


I feel very welcome here, thank you.

Tonight is a big night. I have asked my SO to keep some distance to a person she was chatting to intensely (about 25 times a day that I noticed on a weekend). The last time I noticed tok late that she was crossing boundaries so easily and only stopped the relationship after he, struggling with relationship issues himself, said he needed some distance because of the way she treated him.

I asked for an answer tonight, and if it was negative, I was to go away for some time. My bag is packed.

i hope she stays. But I'm prepared to go.

[babyducks]

hi Optimister,

how did you make out with your conversation?

'ducks

[Optimister]

It's happening tonight. Quite apprehensive. I think she'll promise me to keep the distance but I fear she's not planning to keep it.

[waverider]

I asked for an answer tonight, and if it was negative, I was to go away for some time. My bag is packed.

The problem is the answer will just be words. Your boundary enforcements  need to be based on actions not just promises. pwBPD will say anything to duck an issue.

It is important to diferentiate between demands/requests/agreements and boundaries

The best way to validate is to show interest, often by asking a question. eg in your example 'I feel tired', a response could be "do you feel emotionally tired or physically tired?". If in doubt aim to avoid invalidating, as one invalidation can override 10 validations.

Most importantly dont fall into the trap of fixer/ rescuer in an attempt to overdo validation.

[Optimister]

Thanks everyone - these tips are worth gold.

Validation is hard. It took me 10 minutes today to write a one-line response to her saying she wished our daughter would let her have a nap. In the end I wrote "yes, I feel the same sometimes". I feel I could have done much better.

Concerning boundaries, I know how hard it will be to set boundaries, so I'm asking her what she will do when she says she's willing to keep her distance.

How bad is threatening? Like "if I ever find out, I will ... ."?

[babyducks]

What do you think about something a little less threatening?

When I notice you talking with X, I feel hurt and frustrated  ( or whatever you really feel ) I am going to take some time for myself.

In your own words of course.

[waverider]

What do you think about something a little less threatening?

When I notice you talking with X, I feel hurt and frustrated  ( or whatever you really feel ) I am going to take some time for myself.

In your own words of course.

Agree with ducks, dont threaten it just creates a challenge and a pwBPDs response to a perceived challenge is an over reaction. Keep to what you feel. In reality it is not even whabout what you find out to be true or not, it is what you feel. To not know the truth but to live in constant fear/suspicion is just as bad.

Feelings can't be rebuked but details of the facts can be, and will be.

eg driving something underground, you know it but cant prove it.

Whatever your boundaries they wont be adhered to by request and more often than not will need to be demonstrated by action. Hence many don't even find airing a warning first of value as it has no results and can often provoke conflict in itself. Often our motivation for the heads up is an attempt to avoid having to have a boundary in the vain hope that a hopeful request will suffice. Sometimes that is driven by fear that we may not be strong enough to stick to the boundary.

[Optimister]

It could have gone better. She told me she didn't want to stop chatting to this guy so I took my bag and went after saying "I know it's hard for you, but it hurts me too much when you do it."

I don't think she was prepared for that. She said what about the kids and you picking up Grandma and everything? I really took care of her too much over the last years, and now she's confused because I'm firm in where the limits are.

Told her she can call at any time when she changes her mind, or when she wants me to take care of the kids and she goes away.

Still prefer to sleep in the smelly cheap hostel than having her lie to my face that she will do it without any intention of doing so.

[waverider]

Must have been a shock to her system, and very concise and brave of you. Now you need to be consistent for when she ramps it up a bit. Gracefully accepting your choices is not a strong trait of pwBPD.

[Optimister]

Thank you, it feels sad but liberating. For years I didn't have control over my life. I'm slowly gaining it back.

The book Stop Caretaking The Borderline has arrived. Guess I know what I'll be doing this weekend.

Thanks for all your support and brilliant advice.

Optimister

[Optimister]

Hello,

So the situation is as I feared: my SO doesn't accept that she needs help and believes she can do it all by herself - despite the fact that she called on her mother to help her out 24 hours after I left, and we have an au pair living with us who chipped in, too.

I'm finding it really hard. I know I can't tell her that she won't cope. I know she needs to find out by herself. But I fear that the kids will suffer while they are with her - already the little one has become very clingy and whiney.

I fear that I can't stay away any longer. I fear I need to go back to the house and cuddle my kids because I don't know how long it will be before she realises that she doesn't cope alone. And then, when she realises, she might still not admit it to me.

Am I playing into her hands by doing that? Probably. I just feel I don't really have any other choice.

Gloomy,

Optimister