Do people with BPD have feelings of being a fake or fraud? I thought someone told me that is one of their feelings and one of their biggest fears is being caught in their lies and double life. I know many will lie even when the proof is there. But has anyone ever heard it being their biggest fear to be exposed to their partners? I mean obviously after abandonement and engulfment
I think this is a rather complex question. IMHO, the answer to this question is yes, they do but for two different reasons (and not necessarily after abandonment and engulment). And one of these reasons has nothing to do with being a fake or a fraud at all.
I have read that they have this feeling of being a fake or a fraud. My ex BPD and I used to talk about this openly and I was the one who brought it up in a conversation. As the child of a NPD, I used to have this, too, when I was younger. For me, it was related with low self-worth and with the inner anxiety this brought - as I understood later. My ex BPD fully agreed (and very genuinely and sadly) - one of our rare genuine moments. It's a strange feeling. I was a high achiever and was a very capable person in certain things, which then became part of my profession. I knew that I was talented, I was exceptionally good at what I was doing but paradoxically, this feeling remained in an irrational way and it was pretty strong. I think years of lack of affirmation and validation brought this. It was also because my mother was an invalidating person, I had learnt to hide myself, the goofy vulnerable person I was behind a different air. It went away as I matured (but first got cracked when I felt safe in therapy and dropped it tears). My ex BPD boyfriend says he had the same thing and I believe him. Some of our childhood experiences with our parents are very similar - his being more extreme with an alcoholic though. In BPD, it is probably also related to having a poor sense of self and an emptiness. This feeling occurs when you are not a fake or a fraud.
Are pwBPD afraid of being caught in their lies or a double life as a result of real actions? I wouldn't say that this would be the biggest fear of all pwBPD but I would say yes, if they are consciously leading a double life, they would be afraid of being caught and held accountable as much as the next person. Some little less, some a little more but the fear would be there. I'm saying this because I don't think a pwBPD is only someone who does things only genuinely at the abandonment-engulfment axis. Yes, they have the emotional maturity of a three-year old but my ex boyfriend is also a 36 year old man with some life experience. I know that deep down he may not be fully understanding why people react to him the way they do, but he also know that certain things he is doing are wrong and deceitful and yes, he is afraid of being caught the way a non would be afraid of being caught - especially if he is remaining in a relationship and is continuing his actions systematically. One simple example: he would be flirting (heavily flirting) online with other women and badmouth me to them (say he is at home and I'm working in the garden.) If I entered the house unexpectedly I could read the joy and see a sort of cruel smile on his face while he was doing it but if he felt that I understood it, he would get very fearful - again the look in his eyes gave it all away. he obviously knew what he was doing was wrong (sometimes, if it was doing it for NPD supply, he would genuinely feel entitled if badmouthing was because of frustrations related with BPD). In later moments of lucidity or when he was trying to recycle me, we talked about these openly (and he was mirroring me and was in his best behaviour). He seemed to know what he did was wrong but I didn't sense any feeling of remorse for having hurt me or doing all that character assassination or emotional cheating. It felt like he was sad that he was caught and lost something. He has strong narcissistic traits though. I also know that he was capable of conscious manipulation like a non, so I believe that would bring some fear.
I know for sure that narcissists are afraid of being caught this way because it rips their façade and exposes them - the worst thing that can happen to a narcissist. But I also know that they don't experience it as a very strong fear that somehow shapes their actions - like they still do what they do. Only when they are discovered, it is bad. I believe this becomes more prominent under certain circumstances when someone thinks they have something to gain by staying with the other person.
Again I think this all depends on the individual and where they are in life. My ex boyfriend went through the same scenario with many women through his life. Maybe when he was younger, he really didn't know why he did what he did and was tormented by it. Nowadays, he is largely dissatisfied and gets genuinely unhappy (for brief moments until a new replacement) that he cannot sustain relationships but he is pretty much used to himself. In addition, I believe he has honed certain skills in the sense that he knows what attracts some women and almost always has a scripted way of approaching people - like a torch carrier for "loyalty" to the extent that I found these "I'm a very loyal lover" talks disturbing. I'm a loyal person and never brought it up like a commodity or a marketing tool in my relationships. I believe my ex got more manipulative in years and lies more consciously - not just pathological lying. Of course, I cannot say this is how it is for all pwBPD.
Sometimes he felt very entitled - "why don't you understand that I'm obsessed with my ex and write her my dreams about our hotel room and include you in these messages as well." (This wasn't what he said but it came down to it. Then he had a really bad rage attack - so I believe deep down there was shame but I don't know what exactly that shame related to in his conscious thoughts. Sometimes he felt less entitled but did things nevertheless. When he is more relaxed and when he feels safer, he switches to a somatic narcissistic mode with me so it's pretty confusing and nerve wrecking actually.