Discussing Paying the Bills

[Inquisitive1]

I just found out my dBPDw paid the bills on Sunday. Overall this is good. She's getting more involved in things and there's one payment that would have been late if I had paid it today...

But, there's a few of things she did wrong.

1) She paid a bill that isn't due until after my next paycheck. this isn't a big deal this month, but some months this would bust our budget.

2) She made a minimum payment on my credit card, and a large payment on her card. I try to be more equitable.

3) She didn't tell me she had paid the bills. When I pay the bills, I always make sure to tell her so she knows what's going on with our money.

I want to talk to her about this and try to get her to address at least some of these issues, but she's so sensitive to criticism, I'm not sure how best to proceed.

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[sweetheart]

Hi Inquisitive1,

I've been thinking because this kind of conversation could be tricky as I'm sure you know.  So how about a combination of positive reinforcement and a problem solving approach where your SO takes the lead through a series of validating questions from you. How do you think she might respond ?

How do you feel about doing this?

Here is a link that you could adapt to your needs https://bpdfamily.com/parenting/07.htm

I have a tendency to practice these types of conversations, because I know they are potential flash points. I sometimes write them out like a script in my journal.

Would this work for you or is just a bit too weird? 

It's worth acknowledging here the improvement that your dBPDw has made in taking ownership of paying the bills. This sounds like a really positive step in your marriage that just needs a bit of fine tuning.

[Chilibean13]

What if you tried to suggest you have a monthly (or bi-weekly) meeting on budgeting so that both of you can make sure you have input into what bills to pay. Go with the idea of working together as a couple and building communication. Maybe look up some magazine articles on budgeting together and present them to her. All the while make sure you praise for her paying the bills. Could you suggest setting up a specific day of the month, week, (or whatever) to pay bills so you can both do it together as a couple activity?

OR set up a plan together before it's time to pay bills. With this paycheck we pay this bill and with the next one we pay that bill, etc. etc. Maybe even set up a long term plan for debt reduction. That way when doing bills you both know where extra money will go.

My H hates to have anything to do with bills but he wants a say in where the money goes. We worked out a regular expenses budget together. I let him know what spending needs are upcoming, what we should try to save for, how much is left on each of our debts. He divvies up the rest of the leftover money. It's so wonderful to see him taking it so seriously. He wants to make sure our money is spent or saved appropriately.

[waverider]

It is likely that each one was paid on an impulse, the ability for overall management/budgeting/regulating of finances is a typical weak area for pwBPD.

If you want any structure or framework for this you will most likely have to provide it, not just expect her to understand your thought process and fall in line.

eg have a list/calendar up somewhere with all bills and due by dates on it. Then just have them ticked off when paid. That way there is an easy to follow structure which provides the prompts and checks. Dont expect her to do all this in her head while keeping it in perspective with the "big picture'. having a check list also appeals to a pwBPDs sense of "look what i've done"

You are right criticism will not be taken in perspective and will potentially cause her to not make any effort at all.

[empath]

Having had these types of conversations, I would recommend lots and lots of affirmation of what she has done well and how helpful it is -- both at the beginning and at the end, possibly sprinkled in the middle, too. Couch your tweaks in phrases that start with I would find it helpful... .  Then be prepared for the process to take waaaaay longer than it seems like it should. The goal is to keep from triggering shame or abandonment or inadequacy and to facilitate communication and working on something together.

[Inquisitive1]

thanks for all the feedback! I'm definitely going to slow down and think this through before proceeding. I like the checklist approach... .not sure how best to implement it since most of our bills are online and the specific due dates change month-to-month... . 

More comments are welcome. I'll post back with an update.

[waverider]

thanks for all the feedback! I'm definitely going to slow down and think this through before proceeding. I like the checklist approach... .not sure how best to implement it since most of our bills are online and the specific due dates change month-to-month... . 

More comments are welcome. I'll post back with an update.

TBA I got sick of juggling due by dates and so now just set up a new account and auto transfer a set amount into it every pay check without fail. This builds up a buffer or float, then when a bill comes in it gets paid straight away. Eventually if the money going in is more than enough to cover the bills there is enough surplus each year to invest in something one off for the house, repaint a room etc.

It seemed ambitious at first but it gets the bills discussion off the table and for my wife once the routine is established she adapts, and we never have confusion or conflict over bills any more.

As long as you are always trying to balance the books you will always have drama, as it will be subject to her impulse and needs at the moment. Responsibility and obligation are not big motivators and will always be swept away by immediate need, whether its to withold due to wanting money for something else or whether it is to chuck extra in to "prove' she can handle money. Consistency is unlikely