Initial dates with your BPD partners

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

How did your initial dates look like?

I never experienced something similar with other dates... .

For example, our first date (drink in a small french style coffee shop) was something like 6 hours long!

We didn't really notice how fast time was slipping... .

Our second date, similar environment, lasted even longer!

After that, that was actually a "rule" that we have long dates. We even had internal joke that each date will break our record from the previous date... .

[blackbirdsong]

How did your initial dates look like?

I never experienced something similar with other dates... .

For example, our first date (drink in a small french style coffee shop) was something like 6 hours long!

We didn't really notice how fast time was slipping... .

Our second date, similar environment, lasted even longer!

After that, that was actually a "rule" that we have long dates. We even had internal joke that each date will break our record from the previous date... .

[Sunfl0wer]

I don't think our first date was unusual.  We were both feeling quite comfortable with one another with the usual first date awkwardness.  Our phone txting went rather fast in terms of 'getting to know you' info.  We were both pretty open to one another before knowing each other well. I hope I am not closed off in comparison when I am ready to date again.

[Herodias]

We were out at dinner and under his breath he actually said "this will be our last date". I said what? He said nothing... .I heard him and ignored it... .it wasn't fact of course because we stayed together 9 years. It was just weird. Lots of little weird things that I ignored... .thought he was shy or something. Never knew someone could be so evil. At he same time, it was the most wonderful flattering time I ever had... .he knew how to mirror me and make me happy. Hope I can find someone who will be half that in the future. I don't expect or want that again, because I know it's not real... .

[burritoman]

Our first date was more of a meeting than a date. Initial plans didn't work out. I went down to her city, picked her up, then drove her to work. I hung out there for 4-5 hours talking to her in between her waitressing. A couple of weeks later though we were scheduled to go to a concert. I spent I think 3 days there, and it was one of the best times of my life. I'll never forget it. Stark contrast to the girl she became about 6-7 months later.

[SadDaddy]

We didn't have dates. Not sticking all the blame on her, but the first time we hooked up was while her best friend, my girlfriend at the time, was sleeping on her floor like six feet away.

We didn't go on a legit date for years after we got together. She liked to throw that in my face. We were kids, pretty poor, drug problems, etc. We were depressed together in the beginning, like an us against the world super sad thelma and louise thing going. When I stopped being the sad narcissist she needed to feed off of, things changed.

[November_Rain]

Our first date was 13 hours long. We went with our original plans, then lunch. He said he wasn't ready to end it yet so we went on a motorcycle ride, then movie and dinner at his house. He actually wanted me to stay the night with him, assuring me that he would be a gentleman. I declined and went home. We met up again at church the next morning and spent the entire day together the following day. It was like he couldn't get enough of me, and of course it was flattering to me. Unfortunately that didn't last long before the push/pull cycles began.

[Welgrow]

Our first date lasted about 4 hours at lunchtime-early afternoon, and I didn't want it to end. The way she looked at me was so enthralling. I was lost in her smile and the conversation had me hooked. She was a candidate from the get go. After that first 4 hours I was really digging her. I then asked her to meet me out again the same night.

[SummerStorm]

The first time my BPD friend and I spoke at length, it was for three hours.  She had been student teaching at the school where I work for about two months, and we had exchanged a few greetings before, but that was the first time we ever had a long conversation.

The first time we hung out was when we went to the movies after work one day.  It was "sports jersey day" at work, and she borrowed a jersey from me.  She also wore it to the movies, which I thought was a bit weird.  It was just a soccer jersey, and she was wearing a shirt underneath it, so she could have just taken it off right after work.  She ended up keeping that jersey for four months. 

After that trip to the movies, we didn't really do much at all. 

When she is in a relationship, she goes all out for the first few weeks.  She goes on lots of dates with the person: dinner, bowling, concerts, museums, etc.  But then, she slowly starts to make excuses for why she can't go on dates.  After she secures an attachment, the dates pretty much end.  Her ex once said to me, "She didn't even do anything with me when we were together.  We never even went to see a movie.  It was pathetic." 

[GreenEyedMonster]

My ex performed poetry at a local coffee shop, and our first "date," if you can call it that, was when I showed up to hear him perform.  With him being a narcissist, this made him instantly attracted to me.  Incidentally, he made no attempt to pay for me whatsoever, despite being just ahead of me in line.  He kept staring at me all night with these wide eyes; you could see the high already.  He said he missed me a lot after that.  His drug was gone . . .

Unbeknownst to him, I met my ex-fiance for a weekend after that and begged him to get back together with me!

[Claycrusher]

Ask her, she'll say it was a fly fishing trip.  She forgets that she was a paying customer of my guide service business on that day.

Ask me, and I would say it was a Friday night Bible study, followed by dinner and conversation.  We could have stayed a bit longer and had breakfast there, I suppose .  I had learned about "borderline infatuation" in school but didn't immediately recognize it when I was the object of it.  But I was... .

It was, all in all, a pretty stereotypical experience.

[MakingMyWay]

We didn't really date before we became "official". But the first time we went out as a couple was a movie. We didn't really speak much, we were both very nervous. But she had a letter prepared saying how special I was to her and all that idealization stuff. It was very intense.

[Michelle27]

My BPD ex and I met online.  We emailed multiple times a day for about a week and made plans to meet.  On the day of the meeting, I received a dozen roses delivered to my work with a nice card.  I had a 6 year old daughter and it was important to me that she be seen as an important part of my life, so we met at a fast food place with a playground so she could play and we could talk.  We sat there talking for probably 4 hours after which I invited him home to continue talking (I felt safe) and he ended up staying until about 2 am.  He came out the following night (he lived in another town) and took me for dinner and a movie as my daughter was at her Dad's that night.  He laid it on thick and I fell for it.  We were "in love" within days.

It's funny now, but weeks after we separated, I received his credit card statement in the mail.  He had ordered what I assume to be a dozen roses and had them delivered somewhere ($80 florist bill).  I guess if it works... .

[SummerStorm]

We didn't really date before we became "official". But the first time we went out as a couple was a movie. We didn't really speak much, we were both very nervous. But she had a letter prepared saying how special I was to her and all that idealization stuff. It was very intense.

Yeah, my BPD friend doesn't really date that much before becoming official with someone.  And at one point, she seriously considered leaving her (now ex) boyfriend for me and would have just jumped into being my girlfriend without us even going on one date.

[MapleBob]

We met online, and talked for a couple of weeks until she could free up a weekend to come visit me. The first date was MAGIC, and lasted two days. I don't know how she constructed such a perfect and complete composite of exactly everything I wanted without even knowing me, but I was hooked. And she was too.

Things were VERY different a year later, because she slowly eroded all of that away by keeping silent and behind her mask, and then had begun flipping out from time to time and then apologizes and diminishing what she had said as emotional outbursts not indicative of the scope of the actual problems she was having. For my part I was happy to sweep that under the rug, but I should have tried harder to validate her and get her to talk about it.

I mean, duh, emotional outbursts that don't get talked about again:  .

[Invictus01]

Met her during a break between a wedding (out of town) and a reception at the bar/restaurant she was the manager of (never knew her before). Noticed her flirting with me, I flirted back. Got her number before I left to the reception, exchanged a few texts with her that night. Met up with her the next day. Seriously, a freaking straight out of a romantic movie date (we talked about it later on, she said she told all her co-workers who watched in shock and awe me getting her number in the middle of their staff meeting that it was like a movie). Met up around 1 pm over a few drinks, talked non-stop till about 4 pm (so much in common), met up with my best buddy, his family and all my good friends around 4 pm, she left to a family dinner (invited me with her, I declined, this would be awkward and weird), she left the dinner early to meet up with me again. She didn't dropped me off at my buddies place till midnight and only because I had an early flight back home. She wanted to go party till 3 am.

Stayed in touch every single day for 6 months, most days 100+ texts a day. I went to visit her, she came to visit me. Sharp at the 6 months mark, she became distant, dumped me with a 4 sentence text that ended with a smiley face 2 weeks later.

[Rmbrworst]

We met on a dating app.  He asked if we could talk on the phone.  We talked for hours.  He said "I feel like we could talk forever, I love talking to you."

I felt the same way.  I always loved our conversations.  We were friends for a year before we dated.

Now he won't even speak to me.

Yesterday I finally blocked all contact with him (meaning blocked him all on social media and blocked his number and deleted it).

Very painful.  That's why it's been so hard letting go because I'm just shocked he was so fun and so sweet and he turned into a liar, cheater, and emotional abuser. 

[Infern0]

During the idealisation phase (first 10 weeks) we went on lots of dates, 2-3 per week. Everything from dinner to the movies to bowling etc, it was like she didn't even care what we did she just wanted to do something with me. We also took turns paying which was weird to me but oh well.

As soon as devaluation started she kept coming up with excuses not to spend time together and we didn't go on anymore dates.

[SummerStorm]

During the idealisation phase (first 10 weeks) we went on lots of dates, 2-3 per week. Everything from dinner to the movies to bowling etc, it was like she didn't even care what we did she just wanted to do something with me. We also took turns paying which was weird to me but oh well.

As soon as devaluation started she kept coming up with excuses not to spend time together and we didn't go on anymore dates.

Yep.  After we hung out the first time, she was in my classroom constantly, always wanting to talk to me.  Then, she wanted to hang out all the time after work and would get upset if I made other plans.  This was April of last year.  By June, she didn't want to see me at all and ended our friendship.  Very quick turnaround.   Her ex and I estimated that it takes 2 months for devaluation to start with her.