Broke the inertia

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I just initiated my second divorce from a second BPD. First marriage was 7 years with 2 children that I had/have custody of, one in high school, one in college now.  First wife was distant and had affairs, but not much fighting until the divorce, which was epic.

Second wife, 9 year marriage, no children together, she has 2 boys from prior marriage, same ages as mine. She rages most every night. Abuses alcohol, but rages even during dry stints. She's an angel in the morning, too much so. Hormones, etc. closely followed and not the cause. Most people don't know there's a problem because we can appear happy, fun, and fine. Only the kids and a few close people have seen the abuse. Doctors, counsellors, psychologists, psychiatrist have all been involved over the years. 

I finally hit my max, got an attorney known for being calm and peaceful, moved out, and want a peaceful separation agreement. She begs me to come back, and will not cooperate with formalizing the separation.  I work, she stays home. At least I finally broke the inertia, but I knew it would be a tough road, and it is.

[Ivanvaljean]

I just initiated my second divorce from a second BPD. First marriage was 7 years with 2 children that I had/have custody of, one in high school, one in college now.  First wife was distant and had affairs, but not much fighting until the divorce, which was epic.

Second wife, 9 year marriage, no children together, she has 2 boys from prior marriage, same ages as mine. She rages most every night. Abuses alcohol, but rages even during dry stints. She's an angel in the morning, too much so. Hormones, etc. closely followed and not the cause. Most people don't know there's a problem because we can appear happy, fun, and fine. Only the kids and a few close people have seen the abuse. Doctors, counsellors, psychologists, psychiatrist have all been involved over the years. 

I finally hit my max, got an attorney known for being calm and peaceful, moved out, and want a peaceful separation agreement. She begs me to come back, and will not cooperate with formalizing the separation.  I work, she stays home. At least I finally broke the inertia, but I knew it would be a tough road, and it is.

[thisworld]

Ivanvaljean hi 

Welcome to bpdfamily. I'm sorry that you are going through a separation and a divorce but it's great that you have broken your inertia and have made some decisions. How do you feel nowadays? How are your wife's reactions affecting you?

I'm sure many people on this board will relate to your experience and the Legal Board will have many members going through similar experiences right now. I hope, with support from both boards, you will go through this process as strongly as possible.

Looking forward to hearing from you,

TW

[Ivanvaljean]

Thank you, thisworld. I'm doing fine... .Not homeless out in the cold, getting shot at, or have a brain tumor. I've been working to keep it in perspective and avoid self-pity. Tempted to become a womanizer, but know that wouldn't really do me any good.  Feeling my confidence drop like a heavy rock to the bottom of the river, though. I have to work on that so I don't rush to another woman to fill that void. My BPD wife built me way up, but then tried to tear me way down. The ups were great.  But, I couldn't take the conflict anymore and knew it was a poor model for my kids.

She texted a lot yesterday saying she knows I've cheated, but I haven't.  I'm sure it garners her sympathy from friends, and probaly is a reaction to her feeling abandoned.  I'm fine with the accusation because I'm kind of mad at myself for not leaving her and her wake-me-up-from-dead-sleep-on-work-night tirades of insults.  I'm physically a big strong man and very successful in most areas of life. I guess something is pretty screwed up about my psychological make-up to get in these relationships. I had a great childhood. Can't figure it out.

[thisworld]

Hi again

It's good to hear that you are doing fine and approaching this with great control and awareness. And I think you are very right about being a model for the kids.

I'm sorry that you are going through accusations. Many people here can relate to that as well.

As for what pushes you in these relationships, yes, for many of us, that is related to some issue with our family of origin but that doesn't have to be the case. Perhaps, sometimes our positive personal traits such as self-confidence, belief in our problem-solving skills and maybe even rationality contributes to our role in these highly conflicted relationships. I stayed in a long relationship before believing that rational discussion could result in solution - but it just resulted in endless arguments about "facts" on which we never agreed- , I couldn't accept the fact that as a successful problem solver I couldn't solve this major problem in my life so I endlessly insisted on trying and my ego simply couldn't take that I was "failing" in this very important aspect of my life. So, I stayed and stayed. Do you think you may have positive traits like this that somehow didn't work in these relationships? 

In my example, also, I'm a high achiever raised as a little perfectionist in the hands of a low-grade NPD mother. The thing with my mother was she was never overtly abusive as more disordered mothers can be sometimes. So, during my teens and early adulthood, I believed I came from the perfect family - and we were very stable in a lot of senses- but then in time realized that maybe we were not so perfect. I'm not writing this to imply that this may be the case for you. I just wanted to share my story with you. Anyway, my family wounds lead me to seek people with similar wounds - like wound-mates were my soul-mates. Unfortunately, I have had to realize that experiencing similar pains during childhood does not make everyone treat each other sensitively. Today, I know that deep down I too was trying to re-enact that original scenario and create a different outcome.

As of today, after having a brief relationship with my BPD/NPD ex, I see that I don't tend to remain in these relationships but I have high-risk behaviour at the initial attraction stage - my gut warned me so many times but I ignored it in so many ways, incredible.

How about your gut? Do you notice red flags or have you experienced them or do you get into these relationships without any warning from your gut?

Best,

TW

[Ivanvaljean]

Wow, TW.

You are great with feelings and words. My background, experiences, perceptions, and issues are almost identical to yours. Yes, I always see red flags, but ignored them with my two marriages. I don't think I hold women to as high a standard behaviorally as I hold myself, and I guess that's gotten me into trouble. If they look good and they are fun, then I let character issues slide. Maybe it relates back to my mom somehow, but cannot put my finger on it yet. Certainly my dad I'd a lot like you and me, high-achieving problem-solver, but my mom "wears the pants," but never yells at him and never cheated on him.

As far as staying in so long both times, it was because of the kids. I would have gotten out much quicker both times if it weren't for them... .Im quite sure. They liked being in a crazy family better than being in a broken one I thought. But their best childhood memories seem to be from my four single years in between... .  I sure hope I haven't messed them up. They seem okay.

[thisworld]

Thank you for your encouraging words Ivanvaljean. I think you are great with literary allusions

Yes, you are not alone here. Many of us have similar backgrounds, high functioning styles and sometimes, what would be healthy contributions to a relationship just did not work in these relationships. So, again, welcome!

Yes, I always see red flags, but ignored them with my two marriages.

It is interesting how we do this, isn't it? My favourite way of ignoring my gut is rationalization:) After some time spent on this board, I started working on this in the Awareness board and have been discovering a lot about myself there as well as trying to develop practical techniques to prevent this in the future. But I think spending time here helped me a lot to make sense of what went on in my relationship as I didn't know about BPD. How about yourself? Do you feel informed about this disorder or is it new for you as well despite two marriages (sometimes people just realize it afterward)? Can we provide any materials on a particular subject for you?

I don't think I hold women to as high a standard behaviorally as I hold myself, and I guess that's gotten me into trouble. If they look good and they are fun, then I let character issues slide.

Wow. Great awareness about yourself and very eye-opening for me, too. I think I'm guilty of being "too forgiving" in the beginning but then my expectations arise. And that's not real forgiveness anyway (in my case) as I simply ignore red flags. Then during the relationship, I focus more on boundaries and don't let many things slide. That's why, I really need to ask more questions and speak more about myself in the beginning. This is what I have learnt:))

Maybe it relates back to my mom somehow, but cannot put my finger on it yet. Certainly my dad I'd a lot like you and me, high-achieving problem-solver, but my mom "wears the pants," but never yells at him and never cheated on him.

I'd be patient with myself in this. In my experience, family of origin issues unfold slowly. Do you feel like you'd like to focus on this nowadays, or is your detachment from your marriage the priority? How is it going for you in this sense?

As far as staying in so long both times, it was because of the kids. I would have gotten out much quicker both times if it weren't for them... .Im quite sure. They liked being in a crazy family better than being in a broken one I thought. But their best childhood memories seem to be from my four single years in between... .  I sure hope I haven't messed them up. They seem okay.

It's good to hear that they are OK and I think having an emotionally satisfied, happy father will add a lot to them. How old are they? How are they responding to the new situation?

Stay strong!

[Ivanvaljean]

I'm informed on BPD. I knew my first wife had it by the end, and it took a few years to realize I had married another!  I'm actually an MD, so I learned about it in school and can easily recognize the low-functioning ones. I think from now on I will recognize the high-functioning ones, too. I certainly should be an expert.

In answer to another question, detachment from my marriage is a priority. I'm not as concerned about being able to detach as the impact it will have on my kids and me. I know it will be much better long term, but I want to make the transition as healthy as it can be. My kids are 19 and 15.  They approve and support my decision... .the older says he cannot believe I held out this long!  He's in college and seems to have all cylinders firing in tune. My daughter, the younger child, seems to have more mixed feelings and seems to be having detachment issues.  My 2nd BPDw has been her "mother."  She has had two BPD moms of different complimentary styles. But she is resilient and will be "fine."  I try to be there to back her up, but still let her navigate the relationships on her own. She has to experience them for herself.  She probably is worried that she will become like them, but is grasping to get the best parts of them. They have taught her that "dad just doesn't get you like I do."  She doesn't buy that completely, but still thinks she is better off having them around. I agree, but they can also burn her. She's playing with fire, like anyone is that is around them. My son has been burned enough that he's experienced beyond his years, gets what he needs, gives what he can without getting consumed, and laughs the rest off.

[thisworld]

Ivanvaljean,

Again, I'm sorry that you went through two conflicted relationships but are equipped in terms of understanding this disorder. Many of us come here trying to find out what has just happened to us, but you sound more ready to focus on yourself. Lessons and other materials on this board resonate with many people. In my detachment, what helped me a lot in the beginning was to read about ten beliefs that usually keep us stuck - identifying mine, trying to work on them by reading other posts and asking for opinions helped me.

Here are those beliefs:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=136462.0

Posting about our feelings and our specific troubles keeping us at a certain point also help.

It seems your daughter is a powerful young girl going through a transition in her life. Would the "Co-parenting" board help you not because you will necessarily be "co-parenting" but there would be a lot of parents with children reacting in their own ways?

Best,

TW