Recovering from betrayal

[Darsha500]

Recovering from betrayal

Hi all, haven't posted or made much use of the board in some time. The reason being that what tends to happen is that when I do read posts, it tends to dredge up bad memories and feelings, which is something that I'm really trying to get past.

This takes me to the message I would like to convey - how to move beyond the hurt.

I recently came upon a book called living and loving after betrayal. In it, the author suggests that the most crucial thing to recovering from intimate betrayal (which takes many forms, emotional abuse, infidelity, etc.)  is building a healing identity.

He suggests that to the extent that we identity ourselves as the victims of a traumatic happening, a tragedy; to the extent that we identity ourselves as a person who has been ruined by our ex, we stay mired in our pain, our suffering.

The solution? Identity yourself with those qualities that emphasize your resilience and strength, your compassion and goodness. For example, I was thinking of myself very much as this person who has been traumatized by my ex. I realized that this had practically become my identity, a traumatized person full of resentment.

But this is not me, I am much more than that. Identifying with my values, I am a warrior not a surviver. I am loving and compassionate and forgiving. Not hateful and resentful.

When I frame myself in this way I feel so much more powerful. Last night I spent time lying in bed consciously choosing to engage in the behavior opposite to that which my painful memories brought up. Rather than stew over my exs insanity and outrageous behavior, I concentrated on the fact that she is a wounded person doing the best she can (some may debate this point, but this is the way one author frame the pwBPD. I.e. Doing the best they can). I felt compassion and understanding for her. I felt love and forgiveness for her and I let this feeling saturate my heart. I let it saturate all of the blackened areas of my heart which have become hardened. It felt amazing.

So this is going to be my new tactic. Whenever I get triggered and she enters my mind with all of her wrath, rather than reacting with disgust and hatred, I'll take the contrary action. I'll direct my love into the injuries, into my heart and into hers. I'll remember the good times and bask in their glow, perhaps imaging an alternate future, a happy ending. In this way I can retrain my brain.

Aside from the sentimentality, it does seem to be having a very positive affect, this tactic. The author refers to it as reconditioning your brain. He claims that after enough practice, the restorative images that we associate with our painful memories will become the automatic response.

I HIGHLY recommend this book. It has been perhaps the most helpful and practical one I have read thus. 

[Welgrow]

Thanks so much for this... .I needed to read something that would direct me away from resentment soon, because it's been eating me alive. She has rent free space in my head and I'm not acting like I'm healing. I've been acting stuck. I have a question though. I believe there is some merit to not laying ourselves open to future harms from our pwBPD or others yet to come? Did you read anything about viewing this as a victory in some manner that won't open us up to future abuses?

[Michelle27]

I am pretty sure I read this book last year when I discovered my now ex BPDh had had a year long affair with my "friend" 4 years before that.  I had suspected something but he had always denied it, and I had dragged him around to 3 different marriage counselors and a couple's communication course (all he admits that he sabotaged) as well as pushed him to get therapy for what I had just discovered was BPD.  It was the beginning of my detaching but it was a long slow process, taking 4.5 years before I finally pulled the plug. 

If it's the book I remember, there were a lot of exercises to do and I remember buying a notebook and a lot of sticky notes to work through it.  It was very helpful.

[Darsha500]

Thanks so much for this... .I needed to read something that would direct me away from resentment soon, because it's been eating me alive. She has rent free space in my head and I'm not acting like I'm healing. I've been acting stuck. I have a question though. I believe there is some merit to not laying ourselves open to future harms from our pwBPD or others yet to come? Did you read anything about viewing this as a victory in some manner that won't open us up to future abuses?

Hey,

I'm glad you read my post. I was thinking "I bet you there are people on the forum who could really benefit from this book."

Here is quote from it that stuck out to me.

":)etermined focus on healing, growing, and creating a life that you deeply value is the only reliable way to heal from the past and prevent betrayal in the future."

So this book does address the not leaving ourselves open to further abuse.

As for books that really emphasize the victory element. I just finished one called psychopath free, healing from relationships with... .

It really drilled in the victory piece, how we come out of these relationships stronger wiser people. The thing is, the author frames those with BPD as if they were psychopaths who are entirely conscious of their behavior. As if they were just malicious people. He is not really qualified for the statement he makes, in my opinion. It was uplifting to a point though.

Michelle27.

Yes it does have a lot of exercises. I'm sure it's the same one. Their are very few books on the particular subject on Amazon.

The wisdom of a Brocken heart also touched on the victory of recovery from heart break. Though isn't geared towards emotionally abusive relationships.

[Rmbrworst]

Thank you for sharing.  This is helpful.

[ob-la-di]

Nice post, I'll check out the book. 

As for the other author's perspective that borderlines are psychopaths who are entirely conscious of their behavior, that description does apply to my BPDxh when he's dysregulated.  He's not actually out of control, he chooses to be hurtful and irrational. Apparently it's different for other borderlines.

[hergestridge]

Not having read this book, I think it's essential for recovery from betrayal to understand why you feel so betrayed.

For me it was the realization that my BPDxw was not the kind of loving partner I had imagined. She never had been. It was something that I projected onto her.

There is "truth" that I had to get rid of. That "truth" was "My life partner loves me and we are kind to each other". Whenever she was mean to her I corrected her. I said "That is not you, you are kind of loving".

I did not see her for what she is. If I had seen her for what she is I would have left her very early on.

I never forgave her for her ultimate betrayal but I have recovered myself. And the key to that is understanding that she was more or less a fictional character to me, that I created myself. The ongoing feeling of everything having turned to sh*t is kept alive by thinking that everything was once good. Once you see how essential your projections are to the way things played out, how can you feel betrayed? Perhaps you feel that you have let yourself down by living a fantasy, and that is a whole new chapter of recovery. And a step in the right direction. Towards self-love and clarity.

[anothercasualty]

He suggests that to the extent that we identity ourselves as the victims of a traumatic happening, a tragedy; to the extent that we identity ourselves as a person who has been ruined by our ex, we stay mired in our pain, our suffering.

I used to know someone that if you asked them to introduce themselves would start with "Hi, my name is <name> and I am divorced". I almost expected this person to place a big scarlet letter ":)" on all of their clothes to identify them as a divorced person. That became their identity. Needless to say, they continued to experience pain for a long time.

Thanks for the reminder about this Darsha500. I sometimes find myself placing some scarlet letters on my clothes figuratively!

[Darsha500]

He suggests that to the extent that we identity ourselves as the victims of a traumatic happening, a tragedy; to the extent that we identity ourselves as a person who has been ruined by our ex, we stay mired in our pain, our suffering.

I used to know someone that if you asked them to introduce themselves would start with "Hi, my name is <name> and I am divorced". I almost expected this person to place a big scarlet letter ":)" on all of their clothes to identify them as a divorced person. That became their identity. Needless to say, they continued to experience pain for a long time.

Thanks for the reminder about this Darsha500. I sometimes find myself placing some scarlet letters on my clothes figuratively!

That's a perfect example!

Not till I started reading this book did I realize that I have also been wearing the figurative scarlet letter - shortly after introducing myself to certain people telling them about tragic end and its impact on me. It didn't even occur to me that this has been self-defeating.

There are so many layers to the recovery process. There is so much to discover. I recently picked up another book called attached - the science of adult attachment.

It talks about the different attachment styles and how they play out in romantic relationships.

Basically, this whole catastrophe has opened up so much new territory for me to explore within myself. For me to "know thy self." For me to become myself, more and more.

I've heard many describe the road of recovery from these relationships as envievitably leading to a greater sense of authenticity, a greater, more conscious sense of self. I would have to agree.

I think that that is the victory won from these relationships, or atleast it has been my victory. I am not who I use to be. One might compare the whole ordeal to the heroes journey. Leaving the known, venturing into the unknown, facing off against the trickster, the anima perhaps, coming in touch with your inner Wisdom, and return to the world with new found knowledge.

Pressing issues that I was unable to fully accsess and resolve were catalyzed as the result of my relationship. How interesting to think of my ex as a blessing. One who I can say thank you too, for allowing me to get into deeper touch with myself, to learn to love and care for myself to a degree I had not been able to before meeting her.