Can you help me with a choice?

[Noteliz]

Hi,

I'm currently in therapy with a well-intentioned doctor who really isn't very good at his job.

I will move away from the area this summer so I don't want to look for another therapist I tip I move.

Most of my problems right now stem from dealing with BPD in my life, from the daughter that lives with me to my dead father. My therapist has zero experience with BPD (like most here in Italy).

It is of utmost importance that my daughter moves out. Her presence is causing such strife and I believe she would do better in therapy if she doesn't have me, her trigger, around.

I worry about my and my younger daughter's safety, too.

BPD daughter is without a car (she totalled one) and to get her independent a car is necessary.

If I quit therapy it would give me the money towards a car so my question is... .

In your opinions, what's more important right now, BPD daughter leaving or me continuing with therapy?

(Sorry about typos... .I'm using a phone!)

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[twojaybirds]

I bought my dd a car (even though I said I never would).

I made this decision when it worked for me and I felt good about it.  It was not harping from her.  I also told her this would be the only car I would ever buy her.

She was working at the time.

I did not want her living with me (she did in fact live out of her car for many months)

It gave her a sense of independence, which with her proved helpful in moving her along.

I did not burden myself... took a friend who knows car very well and bought a vvery reliable, used car that I could afford.

[Lollypop]

Hi

I bought my BPDs a truck so he could work. He had an accident about a year later but fortunately it was still driveable. He only worked two days per week anyway. He went travelling after we told him he had to leave. Within 2 months he drove his new girlfriends car without insurance and he totalled it (fortunately nobody got hurt). This was in the USA and he could have got into a lot of trouble.

If he wants to buy himself a vehicle then it's up to him to buy it. Meantime, I am reluctantly driving him to/from work so he can earn money (public transport is limited but not completely out of the question). I'm working this out as I go along and not too sure what I'll decide to do. He's due to give me money this Friday to save for him to leave our house. We want him out as soon as possible.

If you're moving in the summer, is it possible for your daughter move to a place where she can work without a car?

L

[bpdmom1]

I've seen with my son and my non-BPD daughter that helping them become independent gives them self worth.  The more they can do on their own the better.  My son worked in high school and was able to buy himself a car.  While he was working before getting his own car we allowed him to use our old car, since he was working he purchased his own gas and insurance.  This gave him a great sense of self worth and independence.  When he was out of high school we helped him with his rent as he didn't make enough to afford rent and his car payment.  Again this gave him self worth and independence.  My non-BPD daughter is a senior in high school.  She is now driving an old car of ours, since she isn't working we are giving her a weekly allowance for gas as otherwise we would be driving her to school, activities etc.  She has more self worth now that she has some independence. 

As far as my BPD daughter it is more difficult as she refused to work on getting her drivers permit and wouldn't allow us to help her become independent.  We are currently carefully encouraging her to get her permit and will help her to become independent.  It will look different than what we did with my son and non-BPD daughter as they can handle some stress. 

They need to contribute to becoming independent, but I think helping out is something us parents can do to get them there.