Nervousness when seeing them.

[Schermarhorn]

Hello. Does anybody have any advice for bumping into them? I try to avoid places I might see her, but considering we live right near each other it is hard.

Luckily she has not recognized me yet (if she hasn't completely blocked me from memory). But when I see her, for even just a second I get this extremely anxious feeling that can last for up to an hour.

This morning I was feeling great, without her on my mind at all. Then of course I see her walking off my bus.

Does anybody have any advice for this?

[bdyw8]

Hey nonya, your situation sounds just like mine.  I live two blocks from my exBPDgf and it is rough.  We dated for 4 years and my kids and I lived with her and her kids for a year as well.  So everything in the neighbourhood reminds me of our time together.  Plus I'm TERRIFIED to run into her also for two reasons:

1) My attraction to her is like a drug and just seeing her (like you described) creates such anxiety and almost a physical craving for her.  This makes me miss her even more and question and doubt my decision and start wanting her back.   

2) I'm afraid she will throw things in my face to hurt me even more emotionally, like a new bf or more subtle shaming, etc. 

I try to protect myself as much as I can on top of going full NC.  I drive a little bit further to get home so I don't have to drive by her street.  I've even kept my drapes shut - in the fall, she was stalking me heavily and showing up at my house and even camped out in backyard one day waiting for me to come home and confront me.   

I recognize I can't live in fear like this forever, but in these early stages right now (50 days or so), I want to do anything and everything I can to protect myself - from myself really and my own moments of weakness when I may be susceptible to her idealized seductions... .  So I try to avoid places I know she might be.  Don't drive by her street as I said before.  Hopefully one day I will feel strong enough that I won't be living in fear any more and can walk around with my head held high again... .

[Anez]

I see mine 5 days at work. When it first went down I would get high anxiety every time i saw her. My head would sweat a lot and I'd  feel so much anxiety.

that has gone away over the past few months. Sometimes i get anxious when i see her, or sad, or other feelings. And sometimes I just see her and nothing happens.

It's an addiction trigger and over time your brain will not see her as a reward and will rewire itself to just see her as someone in the background.

My T told me when i see her to look at her whole picture, back the fantasy with the reality. The good with the bad. I haven't done a great job at that all the time but it's slowly helping.

Feel fortunate that you don't have to see your ex every day at work and just give yourself as much space as always and back any good thoughts with a bad thought. and over time your brain will be better and the anxiety will be gone.

I know it's tough, tho. Believe me. Time will heal.

[Botonok]

I see my ex sometimes at work, also my replacěent from work. It s not very pleasent, mostly when she is so happy and charming all over the place. I fell only stress, like hearth beating and so on, but no love, saddness, etc. And days afters days it is getring better.

[Michelle27]

I can understand this.  I have only seen my ex a few times since I ended the relationship at the end of June.  Once when I caught him stalking me and once our cars passed each other on the road after I made a mistake in my route to work (I had changed my route in order to avoid just that and out of habit one morning without thinking I took my usual route).  Both times made me very anxious to the point of being sick to my stomach. 

This week I was served with divorce papers and have a case conference scheduled next month in which I am going to have to be in the same room with him speaking to a judge about the case.  I am already terrified and while I don't have a lawyer yet (and likely won't... .I can't afford to hire one) I am already lining up a handful of supportive friends and family to go with me who can also speak to his character if necessary. 

[C.Stein]

Just the thought of seeing her causes anxiety and fear.  Not fear of her, fear of my own emotional reaction to seeing her.

[Driver]

I know I'm not in your shoes and I know ow hard it must be for you, but I think that if I were you and if I wanted to live without this constant fear, I think I'd try to move to another area, unless you are the owner of your estate.

In case you are the owner, then I think it's going to take some time before you get over the whole relationship. But eventually you will get over.

Breaking up with a pwBPD sucks big time.

[Schermarhorn]

I know I'm not in your shoes and I know ow hard it must be for you, but I think that if I were you and if I wanted to live without this constant fear, I think I'd try to move to another area, unless you are the owner of your estate.

In case you are the owner, then I think it's going to take some time before you get over the whole relationship. But eventually you will get over.

Breaking up with a pwBPD sucks big time.

I live on a college campus. Even if I were to move out of campus I would still have the chance of bumping into her. I would have to change Universities, which I am not considering.

On the bright side, when we last talked she did mention that she wanted to move away after Summer. Hopefully she can commit to that.

[steelwork]

I haven't seen my ex since he dumped me by email about 14 months ago! At first that was what I wanted: a meeting in person to talk about what had gone down. Didn't happen. Now I dread the thought of bumping into him somewhere. Even just visiting certain places that have significance, or seeing a sign for the bank he works for, or even seeing his name in something I wrote years ago can still set my heart to pounding. It's a little bitty ptsd, I guess. I sometimes just want to catch sight of him somewhere so I can face the worst.

[bdyw8]

I haven't seen my ex since he dumped me by email about 14 months ago! At first that was what I wanted: a meeting in person to talk about what had gone down. Didn't happen. Now I dread the thought of bumping into him somewhere. Even just visiting certain places that have significance, or seeing a sign for the bank he works for, or even seeing his name in something I wrote years ago can still set my heart to pounding. It's a little bitty ptsd, I guess. I sometimes just want to catch sight of him somewhere so I can face the worst.

I know, sometimes I wonder if facing the person is the answer to overcoming this fear... .  but where I'm at now, I'm thinking I'm not ready for that as I'm much less than 14 months... .  If I never had to see her again, it probably wouldn't be the worse thing.  Going through a divorce with children was tough to have to see this person all the time, so I guess it's nice to have an ex that I don't HAVE to have contact with... .

[steelwork]

Going through a divorce with children was tough to have to see this person all the time, so I guess it's nice to have an ex that I don't HAVE to have contact with... .

For sure. Could be so much worse.

[Michelle27]

Going through a divorce with children was tough to have to see this person all the time, so I guess it's nice to have an ex that I don't HAVE to have contact with... .

For sure. Could be so much worse.

It is.  I am not only anxious/afraid to see him, but our daughter hasn't seen him since early August.  He even dropped out of contact altogether for 4 months by changing his phone number (and leaving me with his bill... .) and not giving her or I his phone number.  Dealing with that hasn't been easy... .

[gundam94]

I feel the exact same way. She's like a drug... .just being near her is intoxicating.

My BPD ex and I volunteer at the same place, that's where we met. I've only seen her twice since she dumped me. Both times I got so anxious I wanted to puke. I'm taking a 6 month break from volunteering to get over her. Hopefully I can return. 

[bdyw8]

I feel the exact same way. She's like a drug... .just being near her is intoxicating.

My BPD ex and I volunteer at the same place, that's where we met. I've only seen her twice since she dumped me. Both times I got so anxious I wanted to puke. I'm taking a 6 month break from volunteering to get over her. Hopefully I can return. 

Sounds like a good idea!  I'm avoiding at all costs right now for my own protection and sanity (what little I feel like I have)... .

It is.  I am not only anxious/afraid to see him, but our daughter hasn't seen him since early August.  He even dropped out of contact altogether for 4 months by changing his phone number (and leaving me with his bill... .) and not giving her or I his phone number.  Dealing with that hasn't been easy... .

That sucks, sorry you have to deal with that.  It's good that your daughter is with you then throughout this, but it must be tough for her to wonder what happened to her dad.  I'm thankful I didn't have kids with my exBPD, but with my ex-wife (who doesn't have BPD and now in retrospect is pretty decent... ). 

[thisworld]

It seems that these fears get more or less removed at the fourth stage of detachment that is described as creative action here.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=136462.0

And there is the grieving process that I think goes hand in hand with that. In my experience (which I deem abusive) working on the difference between grieving for a person who abused me and grieving for a real loved one helped. Now, can we not call someone who abused us "a real loved one"? Sure, we can. But in my case, detachment also became easier when I changed my focus from what I was feeling to what I believe I received. Understanding what I received in a new light without FOG (fear/obligation/guilt) organically, just naturally changed my feelings to a significant degree. Things became easier. 

First, I consciously warned myself to remember this (at first 2000 times a day as ruminations come at the speed of light): The attention, the intense focus I am/was getting from this person was not love. Yes, there was lots of it, even in his negativity. I felt kind of "magnified" with his reactions even if some were very negative - I think dramatic reactions of the BPD partner has a significant role in this.

After distinguishing between attention and love, I had to formulate that attention+warmth does not equal love, either. It resembles love at the surface level but it isn't love - as I understand it to be, as I try to give to my loved ones. (Once there was a thread here about what was good about our BPD exes and many people found that it was superficial things or qualities that didn't result in a feeling of emotional safety or trust. But everyone's relationship differs of course).

Understanding this didn't mean that it was integrated in me. So, I worked on wisemind that is again here among the lessons.

These two have brought me to the door of creative action stage I believe. I still get the tummy thing when I see him (with other girls especially), but it doesn't affect me as much as it would two months ago. Plus, I get the same kick in the tummy when I see my first boss - she caused me a lot of difficulty:)). I got it the first couple of times I ran into my ex husband's photos on the Internet. The husband tummy kick is gone now. The boss tummy kick remains:)) I've accepted this as a bodily reaction. In time, it really gets better with our BPD exes.

What do we need to do for ourselves to come to stage 4 and what stage of detachment are we at now? 

Best,

TW     

[troisette]

"After distinguishing between attention and love, I had to formulate that attention+warmth does not equal love" - wise words thisworld.

Many people who become involved with BPDs were emotionally abused or neglected as children; it makes us vulnerable to attention and warmth, mistaking it for the unconditional love that we did not receive in our younger years.

I have realised nonya that my worry about meeting my ex is not fear of him, but rooted in concern about my frailty, unsure of what my response would be.

He lives just a few streets away but I have only seen him once, in the distance, during five months of no contact. My stomach flipped. But that was several months ago and I'm now getting to the stage, but not there yet, of wanting to see what my reaction is if I do see him. 

[C.Stein]

The attention, the intense focus I am/was getting from this person was not love. Yes, there was lots of it, even in his negativity. I felt kind of "magnified" with his reactions even if some were very negative - I think dramatic reactions of the BPD partner has a significant role in this.

After distinguishing between attention and love, I had to formulate that attention+warmth does not equal love, either. It resembles love at the surface level but it isn't love - as I understand it to be, as I try to give to my loved ones. (Once there was a thread here about what was good about our BPD exes and many people found that it was superficial things or qualities that didn't result in a feeling of emotional safety or trust. But everyone's relationship differs of course).

The attention, the childlike excitement and happiness that my ex had when she saw me was certainly addictive.  It is also one of the hardest things to overcome for me given now she almost certainly sees me as a pariah, a stain on her life.

This attention and warmth I received from her was her version of "love", which isn't love at all.  She gave her parents dog the same type of attention and warmth as she gave me ... .kinda gives additional meaning to lapdog.  I believe she equated things like cuddling on the couch, holding hands in public, sex, going on special outings, etc... .as being equal to love.  However emotional intimacy, true love, goes far deeper than superficial "loving" acts and things you do together.  You can certainly have true love in these types of acts but not without emotional safety, respect and trust.  These are the things she repeatedly compromised which is the polar opposite of true love, or any kind of love for that matter.

When my ex finally broke me completely all these acts ceased to have any meaning at all because I no longer felt she loved me.  I no longer felt emotionally safe with her at all.  These acts were superficial and shallow because her love was superficial and shallow.   There was no intimacy anymore when cuddling on the couch or "making love".  She took/destroyed the meaning and depth out of the "love" I felt we had once shared.   I no longer felt comfortable doing these "loving" things with her because I didn't feel they were real anymore nor did I feel safe.  They had become a farce with respect to her and knowing this now brings great sorrow to my heart.  

I wanted desperately to have the emotional intimacy, the complete unwavering emotional trust in her, to give her my uninhibited trust and love.  I wanted to feel unafraid to completely expose myself emotionally to her.  Yet she could never seem to find a way to cherish, protect and value the love and trust I gave her.  

At times I feel she did value my love, of this I have no doubt.  However she also wouldn't hesitate to use my love for her against me or to throw my love and emotional well being under the bus for her own benefit.  She couldn't see (or didn't want to) the damage she was doing or accept responsibility for it and it slowly destroyed me.  Attempts to talk to her about these things were as fruitful as talking to a stump.  I continued to hold onto hope like a blind fool, continued to believe in the good person I know she can be, refusing to believe she couldn't find a way to truly love me the same as I did her.  Sadly the more she compromised my emotional well being the less safe I felt with her and the more distant I became.  My love got overshadowed by the fear and anxiety she caused within me.  I feel guilty for this now even though I know I probably shouldn't.

Now 6.5 months after being thrown away like trash I still find myself "hoping" and feeling anxious at times.  I find myself struggling with believing this woman who I loved like no other, who I though loved me like no other, could be so cold-hearted and cruel in the end, that she could do the things she did to me and still claim to "love" me.  

Perhaps what I really struggle with is why I allowed it to happen even when I saw the potential for it right from the beginning.  Perhaps I am more disappointed and disgusted with myself than I am with her.  

So what does all this have to do with feeling nervous at the thought of seeing her ... .everything and nothing.

[gundam94]

The attention, the intense focus I am/was getting from this person was not love. Yes, there was lots of it, even in his negativity. I felt kind of "magnified" with his reactions even if some were very negative - I think dramatic reactions of the BPD partner has a significant role in this.

After distinguishing between attention and love, I had to formulate that attention+warmth does not equal love, either. It resembles love at the surface level but it isn't love - as I understand it to be, as I try to give to my loved ones. (Once there was a thread here about what was good about our BPD exes and many people found that it was superficial things or qualities that didn't result in a feeling of emotional safety or trust. But everyone's relationship differs of course).

The attention, the childlike excitement and happiness that my ex had when she saw me was certainly addictive.  It is also one of the hardest things to overcome for me given now she almost certainly sees me as a pariah, a stain on her life.

This attention and warmth I received from her was her version of "love", which isn't love at all.  She gave her parents dog the same type of attention and warmth as she gave me ... .kinda gives additional meaning to lapdog.  I believe she equated things like cuddling on the couch, holding hands in public, sex, going on special outings, etc... .as being equal to love.  However emotional intimacy, true love, goes far deeper than superficial "loving" acts and things you do together.  You can certainly have true love in these types of acts but not without emotional safety, respect and trust.  These are the things she repeatedly compromised which is the polar opposite of true love, or any kind of love for that matter.

When my ex finally broke me completely all these acts ceased to have any meaning at all because I no longer felt she loved me.  I no longer felt emotionally safe with her at all.  These acts were superficial and shallow because her love was superficial and shallow.   There was no intimacy anymore when cuddling on the couch or "making love".  She took/destroyed the meaning and depth out of the "love" I felt we had once shared.   I no longer felt comfortable doing these "loving" things with her because I didn't feel they were real anymore nor did I feel safe.  They had become a farce with respect to her and knowing this now brings great sorrow to my heart.  

I wanted desperately to have the emotional intimacy, the complete unwavering emotional trust in her, to give her my uninhibited trust and love.  I wanted to feel unafraid to completely expose myself emotionally to her.  Yet she could never seem to find a way to cherish, protect and value the love and trust I gave her.  

At times I feel she did value my love, of this I have no doubt.  However she also wouldn't hesitate to use my love for her against me or to throw my love and emotional well being under the bus for her own benefit.  She couldn't see (or didn't want to) the damage she was doing or accept responsibility for it and it slowly destroyed me.  Attempts to talk to her about these things were as fruitful as talking to a stump.  I continued to hold onto hope like a blind fool, continued to believe in the good person I know she can be, refusing to believe she couldn't find a way to truly love me the same as I did her.  Sadly the more she compromised my emotional well being the less safe I felt with her and the more distant I became.  My love got overshadowed by the fear and anxiety she caused within me.  I feel guilty for this now even though I know I probably shouldn't.

Now 6.5 months after being thrown away like trash I still find myself "hoping" and feeling anxious at times.  I find myself struggling with believing this woman who I loved like no other, who I though loved me like no other, could be so cold-hearted and cruel in the end, that she could do the things she did to me and still claim to "love" me.  

Perhaps what I really struggle with is why I allowed it to happen even when I saw the potential for it right from the beginning.  Perhaps I am more disappointed and disgusted with myself than I am with her.  

So what does all this have to do with feeling nervous at the thought of seeing her ... .everything and nothing.

My relationship was the exact same way... .I feel the same way

[thisworld]

I have been thinking about this thread. I think one thing that relieved the anxiety of seeing my ex (as much as possible) was working on detachment. The other was to prepare as much as possible (like for a critical job presentation, an academic jury exam, a court trial where I would be tried for instance) whatever. As I couldn't choose the moment where life would bring my ex on my way, I had to prepare diligently.

This preparation had two components (emotional preparation and practicising behaviour skills that I actually didn't have. I simply had no clue about how I could behave, what my behaviour repertoire could be -other than my natural ones which would probably mean throwing myself into his arms and then regretting it:))

1. This is my emotional preparation. (I think we all need our unique emotional preparation. I decided to visualize this as comedy rather than suffering. I believe they are very close. And why deprive myself from the huge palette of human condition:)) I think I tried saving my own ego from him so much that it became a fear. Then I decided, there you are, I can put myself into all sorts of funny shapes and there is nothing to be afraid of anymore. This felt like regaining control.

I think we all have little insecurities or quirks that make us uncomfortable sometimes. Here is mine: I bang my head a lot.   Accidentally. In the presence of men that I like. This happens. Has happened all my life. There you are, in your best behaviour, appearing like an intelligent being, trying to be as attractive as possible. Everything is going well and then OUCH, I've banged my head Cables and stuff like that on the floor as well as table edges are great dangers to me. I just get clumsy. (To the point that my optimal dating space would be a flat, outdoor area with no objects around, a dessert?) I used to feel horribly embarrassed because of this in my twenties. Like, horribly horribly embarrassed. All the men I have dated have saved me from a little accident One was a true gentleman, he carried my stiletto heel in his hand:)) Relaxing never helped, it happens when I'm relaxed as well. When I talk about someone I like, my friends ask "Have you banged your head, yet?" My boyfriends know this about me, too.

Now, my greatest fear, GREATEST FEAR, in relation to seeing my ex was banging my head somewhere or stumbling onto something. "Hello, I'm doing fine thank you, blah blah blah, ouch, oh thank you!" Then he would know that he has emotional power on me.

I decided to accept this. Simply get out of this secret power fight. I tried to bring myself internally to this point: "Yes, I may be suffering three different hells because of you everyday although I've decided I don't want to be with you and you may know this as well. No harm in you knowing this. This is the truth. However, another truth is that I'm not a toy that automatically runs to you when my emotions are triggered. I may want to but I will not. I'll suffer for this a lot but that's actually MY business. It has nothing to do with YOU. I've promised myself that I'll stick my hedgehog keyholder in my mouth before saying anything to you if I get the urges. You and I are separated by the inevitability of a hedgehog keyholder in my mouth. Stupid as it seems, this is our truth now. There is nothing you can do about it. Regardless of my feelings for you, I CHOOSE TO exist with a hedgehog keyholder in my mouth than getting emotional with you."

This meant, I focused on protecting myself at whatever cost (at the cost of accepting to be an idiot in his eyes). I stopped (to the best of my power) lending my ego to him. I tried to stop seeing myself from HIS eyes. I didn't want ego solutions, I wanted survival solutions. (I believe one can have a hedgehog keyholder in their mouth for survival:))

This idea, handing my power to the hedgehog keyholder , relieved me a lot. For one thing, it helped me revisualize the situation as something funny instead of tremendously emotional. This works with my character. From then on, I promised myself to say Hedgehog! as soon as I saw him. Not just parroting, but trying to remember and feel all the comedy. My individual CBT technique  

Visualizing this enough times in my mind, I came to the power that I felt ready to do this even in his presence!   My ex boasts a lot about the women in his life to others. So, what's he going to say really "This woman is so crazy for me that she puts a hedgehog keyholder in her mouth when she sees me?"   I don't think many would see that as the pinnacle of attraction:)) Cluster B personality disorders are not very strong against humor, they are actually pretty helpless. They are effective through "deep" emotions but usually get surprised at the face of humor because humour takes us out of the area where one can control the other. That's the nature of humour anyway, laughter is that special, unique human behaviour that defies explanation.  

Clownish as it may seem, it may has saved me a lot of pain:)) Depth and suffering only when I'm alone, that was my magic formula.

So, basically I replaced the thought "You know I still have feelings for you and this means that I'll run into your arms... ." with "Yep, I have them, so what?" (When I visualize this, I raise my eyebrows at "so what"?

My ex had the habit of reading my emotions and explaining them to me (very wrongly, but he would dictate his narrative on us.) Instead of the power fight, instead of trying to change his understanding about this, I integrated "Yes, they may be very true, so what?" SO WHAT to everything he says! I'm still entitled to my own thoughts about MYSELF and HIM   I don't tell him everything I think about him, do I? (He doesn't know I'm TW on this page for instance.)

I owe my detachment to SO WHAT and the hedgehog keyholder.  

I think if we see ourselves through their eyes, our own results don't satisfy us. If we see ourselves through our own eyes and with the supportive, loving eyes of our friends etc, it gets better.

The way we evaluate an outcome is as important as what actually happens. "So what?" This saved me.

Best, TW

[thisworld]

And my practical tips (there are thousands of things on the internet for this, it seems that it's not only us who has worries about this.)

1. If your are getting out of the boundaries of your own garden, dress as becomingly as possible. Nothing overstated but don't walk around like a wreck as you used to be when you were living with the ex. Basically, I wasn't ready to run into him in my worst shape discovering that he is well-kept and has a nicely dressed lady next to him. Shallow as it may seem, this was my truth (I was nowhere near thinking like I'm still a beautiful child of this earth no matter what. I'm closer to this now but that doesn't mean my female friends wouldn't have to give me support for at least 1 month each time we came together:))

So yes, no more going out with my favourite thick sweater and leggings that make me look like Big Bird on Sesame Street:))

2. Polite bus stop behaviour: The whole thing has to be like running into an acquaintance at the bus stop. Nice, neutral conversation. Nothing personal. I have to take control of this right from the first second: No cheek kissing. I'm super good at initiating a handshake with people who attempt to kiss me but that would be weird, too. I decided I would stop him with my eyes and facial expression. Nod and greet politely and "bus-stop positively", not "relationship- positively." If he tries to change the situation with a "Oh, you are not kissing me now" or something like that, DO NOT SAY ANYTHING. Maybe an "Oh" and touch cheeks neutrally - not long, don't actually kiss the cheek. Let him think whatever he does. Just practice boundaries afterwards. ALWAYS.

3. Accept that it's weird. Yes, it's weird. If you feel cornered, even say it. "Oh this is weird." BUT TAKE IT OUT OF THE EMOTIONAL RELATIONSHIP SPACE with something like "But that's human life I suppose."

4. Respond to stuff like "You have changed", "You haven't changed", "You look so beautiful" with a thank you. DO NOT RECIPROCATE. If he insists "How about me?", "You look alright/fine." positively.

5. "How is your life nowadays?" RESIST THE URGES: a. Oh, I have such a wonderful life without you you can't imagine. b. It's not your business. // Just give neutral and boring information. "Oh, life is life I suppose, you know, work, sports... ." If he hints at romance, "I want to enjoy my wet blanket and Billy no mates self for a bit (say this happily). You know I'm so behind in my work and the house is blah blah /gray rock. 

7. DON'T BE SARCASTIC.

8. Keep it brief. Remove yourself from the situation. "I've got to... ." Then GO. Don't WAIT. (He may catch and have a dramatic cuddle.) So, GO GO GO. Don't do that thing where you say BYE and keep on looking into someone's eyes.

9. If he is with a woman, acknowledge the woman with a polite hello and nod, but do not "befriend" her. You are not this couple's best friend or anything. You are not their enemy, either.

10. NEVER believe for a second that they are better, stronger, whatever than you because there is two of them and you are alone. It takes great courage to be on your own in life. Carry it proudly. Remember (you have a lot of people loving you elsewhere. You are not ALONE! Only, right at this moment, you don't have one of them with you.)

Now, this is mostly counter-intuitive for me and I actually practiced.

But then I know all too well what happens when I'm left to my own natural behaviour skills - bang your head, get emotional, pay for it dearly afterwards.

I'd also try to remember everything bad I experienced to have a whole picture of him.

Best,

TW