Marriage ending

[PD89]

Hi.

My wife and I have been separated for about 3 months. She has started seeing someone new, and has essential lost the support of her entire family as a result.

I have been told that today she has been diagnosed with BPD, after an attempted suicide.

I've naturally been struggling with events, however this diagnosis really hit home. Having read some articles of this site, it seems so obvious in hindsight and is making me feel like I've wasted nearly 4 years of my life, as the outcome is so predictable. I will add that there is a child involved too, however, whilst I am "daddy" I'm not the biological father.

I'm guessing this is not an entirely unique situation and I'm looking for some support from people who have experienced this too. Is it reversible, am I a "trigger", is it worth trying to save things? Etc

Thanks

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[livednlearned]

Hi PD89,

I'm glad you found the site, although sorry for what you brings you here. It can be something of a relief to get a label for the disorder, and at the same time overwhelming as you take in all the information.

Where do things stand now in terms of living arrangements with your wife? Have you been in touch with her since the suicide attempt?

The new guy may not stick, although that may depend on circumstances out of your control. What kind of interactions are you having with her, and are you still in contact with the child?

Hang in there and keep posting if you feel ready to share more. It really does help to know you're not alone.

LnL

[lingering]

Hi BP89,

Glad you are here.  I am a newbie too.  There is tremendous relief in just knowing that all the crazymaking tuff has a name and a cause that is not me.  I have contributed to it, sadly, but I did not cause it and I can not cure it. 

My marriage is ending by my choice.  There have been days full of deep sobbing on his part.  I see he is hurting.  I want to soothe that but am not going to because that is the relentless cycle of the past 6 years.  I am glad I am getting out now rather than just putting another bandaid on the bleeder.  It hurts him.  It hurts me but it also lets the sunlight in so there can be healing.  I don't know what he will do but I do know that I intend to heal.  I have lost so much of my joy for life in this marriage... .it slipped away so subtly but looking at it now through the BPD glasses, it all makes so much sense. 

Best wishes!

selflish

[PD89]

Hi Lingering, that takes some courage. I know on the one hand that I'm probably going the same way. Unfortunately for me this is/was my first major relationship and she made me feel so important to her life. Everyone is telling me to leave it, but I feel like I'm abandoning her, even though she left me.

Thanks LnL. We haven't been talking much, in fact a family member told me. We've been living with our respective parents.

As for recent events, she was seeing the new guy and also kept seeing me (for lunch, odd days out etc) and she felt forced into making a "choice". The look in her face when she made it said to me "I'm making a poor decision" and I think the suicide attempt possibly shows that. I believe she's using him as a crutch because she can't be alone. I'm led to believe he "controls" her and isn't keen on her talking to people without his approval. This clearly isn't a healthy situation.

I haven't seen her for just over a week now, the child I haven't seen for two. I don't feel it's fair on the child to get hopes up that "daddy" will be around, especially if things truly are over.

Thanks again for the support

[livednlearned]

It's heartbreaking about the child  :'( and you're probably right that it's best to be careful about contact with the child while things are unstable in your relationship. 

Was she diagnosed BPD after her suicide attempt landed her in the hospital? And if so, is she getting medical or psychological treatment that you know of?

Did you part amicably, or at least without conflict, when things ended?

[PD89]

We had initially ended quite well. Sad, but accepting. She's become nastier recently and is isolating herself from her family. I think shes a bit scared and confused, but I can't do anything at the moment. Today she told me we are "nothing" and she "doesn't want my support" but she also wants me to commit to staying in the child's life. That's not something I can commit to with things as they are, and we have left it as a decision still to be made.

She is going to be receiving professional help, and yes this was all identified after the attempt.

As things stand we will be getting divorced, however we have to be married for 1 year before applying for divorce, which is 3 months away. I have let her know I'm there for her if she ever needs it. I'll have to move on with my life and if the situation is right, we could try again one day, but I'm not holding out high hopes.

[livednlearned]

One of the most confusing behaviors of BPD is the pushing away -- it can be a form of "I quit" before you can fire me.

She may need to "quit," for whatever reason. It might be temporary, it might not be, it's hard to know.

If she wants to reconnect with you, how are you feeling at this point?

[PD89]

Right now I'm open to that if she wants to, but only if she's willing to stick with the professional help and be open to actually trying to get better. Previous therapy for depression has started to help then she'll give up just as it starts to have an effect (the last time was when we first started dating and I didn't know any better). I also feel that if I continue to see the child, we'll eventually end up back in a cycle and I'm not sure how healthy that would be for anyone.

Having said that, she's currently created something of a siege mentality with her new boyfriend and some friends as they are the "only ones who support her" but I'd imagine it's only a matter of time before that falls apart too.

[PD89]

I'd like to an update, with a couple of questions. Let me know if this would be better suited to a different area of the forums.

I received a text on Sunday from my wife (wBPD?) claiming that she'd only talk to me if I agreed to stay in the child's life forever. I reiterated that I don't feel able to make that decision yet. We ended up texting for a bit longer, mainly about the BPD, and again how she's being supported by new BF and old friends. During this she moved from "fine, don't see CHILD again" to "my mum will drop her off so we don't have to meet if that's what it takes". I then let her know about the relationship cycle from this site, which she did not take kindly to, accusing me of trying to mess with her. That was not my intention, but I can see why she thought that so I apologised. End of conversation. Fair enough.

Tuesday rolls around and whilst at work I get a text from her - "call me if you can". I thought this to be a bit strange, so I replied asking what was up. Turns out she needed a copy of a document that I have from the marriage. I phoned her anyway to see if that was all she needed (it was) and to let her know I could do it, but not until the next afternoon. She sounded well and happy and when I said I had to go (I was driving, stopped at lights) she seemed a little sad; something along the lines of "oh, ok then... .talk to you whenever". This whole exchange was a bit odd, as her sister has told me she's been really down recently. Anyway, wBPD texts again the next morning asking me if I've made the copy yet, I reply I haven't yet as I haven't had chance, like I said yesterday. Finally get a chance to make the copy later in the day, asking her to acknowledge receipt... .nothing. Apparently she has received it and did what she needed to do with it. I'd have thought a "thanks" would be manageable.

Her sister has also told me that wBPD does next to nothing whilst at home, barely does anything with the child and won't look after the shared pet we had. Turns out her parents take all this responsibility to keep her happy, but she never is. They are annoyed that they do it, have told her so, yet continue to do it (but this is another story).


My questions then:

Do you have any thoughts on "call me"? What she said she wanted could have easily been requested in a text. Could there be more to it, or am I over analysing?

Would you agree that her contact so far is solely to get something she wants? I.E. the document/confirmation I'll stay in her child's life.

Thoughts on the extreme "don't see the child" to "I'll make some compromises, please see them"?

Is it possible that she is "milking it"? I'm not denying she has BPD, but she is now in a situation where everybody around her does what she asks. She's in control and can act however she likes because "I've got BPD". Is that typical behaviour?

Any advice from anyone who has been in a similar situation. That is to say, partner/friend/whoever has BPD, has the potential to/needs to make improvements, but won't. Whether because they don't want to try, because life is easier having everyone else tip-toe around or because there is a much deeper rooted problem.


Apologies for the wall of text.

Thanks

[C.Stein]

Is it possible that she is "milking it"? I'm not denying she has BPD, but she is now in a situation where everybody around her does what she asks. She's in control and can act however she likes because "I've got BPD". Is that typical behaviour?

Any advice from anyone who has been in a similar situation. That is to say, partner/friend/whoever has BPD, has the potential to/needs to make improvements, but won't. Whether because they don't want to try, because life is easier having everyone else tip-toe around or because there is a much deeper rooted problem.

With respect to my ex I would expect she will use knowledge of her potentially having BPD as an excuse to justify her questionable and hurtful actions/behavior.  I suspect admitting to herself that she might have a PD and getting tested to find out for sure is simply too much for her to handle and it will take her hitting absolute rock bottom for her to finally do something about it.  Even then she might deny it and her destructive cycle will continue.  I imagine as long as there are enablers in her life she will never get help regardless of how bad it gets.

I don't know if that helps or not?