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Author Topic: Your previous non-BPD relationships  (Read 741 times)
blackbirdsong
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« on: February 21, 2016, 10:18:48 AM »

The relationship with my dBPDexGF was my first real relationship.

Can you describe your previous relationships with persons that don't have BPD (dBPD or uBPD)?

How and why did they end?

Who ended the relationship?

We often speak only about BPD relationships, but I think we can also learn a lot about why we ended up woth BPD person by observing our previous relationships with nonBPD people also.
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Rmbrworst
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« Reply #1 on: February 21, 2016, 12:28:24 PM »

I'm glad you asked this question.  Gave me some time to think about my past relationships, and helps me realize why I'm in the position I am in now.  This post will be a little cathartic for me, so I apologize if it gets too long.  Here goes:

#1  One year relationship with a full blown Narcissist.  At the time I didnt know, looking back it's obvious.  He carried on two other relationships behind my back.  We all found out about each other, and we all broke up with him on the same day.  He denied knowing any of us as we were all in the room at the same time.  I always looked back on this relationship and laughed, telling people I started out with a bang.  

#2  A little over year with a drug addict.  Very sweet and nice guy.  Never did anything to hurt me, he was very protective and loving, however, he could not control his deep depression and used drugs to escape.  We broke up but remained friends.  I haven't talked to him in years though as his health just got worse and worse, and his addiction deeper and deeper.

#3  My longest relationship.  3 years, with someone who I wouldn't consider a full blown Narc, but he had the traits.  He was very selfish, would never apologize, if he did apologize he would shift blame or there was always a "but . . ." included.  He was very interested in what others thought of him, spent 100,000s of dollars on material things not because he enjoyed them, but only because he wanted others to be impressed by them.  I only saw him cry twice.  When he was looking at a huge row of expensive houses he would never be able to afford, and when I caught him cheating on me.  Looking back, he did not cry when I broke up with him. Instead he entered a relationship with someone new the next week.  

#4  My best and healthiest relationship at about 2 years lovers, 8 years friends.  He was completely mentally healthy.  Very sweet man, all my friends loved him.  I still love him as well.  He's my best friend.  We still hang out with each other, and he talks to me about his new love interests and I speak to him about mine.  Our breakup was healthy and mutual. We decided we just didn't match.  He was in the closet and I was very out of the closet as a gay man, and our values and views just didn't match well enough to fully dive into a relationship.  I compare all of my relationships to this one as an example of "almost perfect" or "something to strive for".

#5  My exBPD who I discuss mostly on here.  Asked me to enter Poly three way relationship.  I agreed.  Broke up with him when I decided it wasn't a healthy functioning relationship I wanted to be in.  He begged for me back with so much conviction it was insane (love bombing), I agreed to go back to him but I wouldn't do it if he was still in a relationship with someone else.  He agreed.  Next day, he broke up with me, seemed unemotional and annoyed that I was so upset (discarding).  One week later we go back together (charming).  6 weeks later he discarded me again in the same manner, very uncaring and unemotional (2nd discard).  Got back a week later (charming) and 6 weeks after that, the final discard . . . and I finally saw the "cycle".

Okay, a lot of information here but felt good to type.  I do want to summarize everything though.

My track record, is not that great.  Looking back it's obvious I have been in many unhealthy relationships.  The reason I've ended up with narcissistic, drug addled, selfish people, is because every relationship I've been in, I have never set any healthy boundaries for myself.  In my fourth relationship, I didn't need to set boundaries, because my partner was healthy and never tried to push down any boundaries I had.  He was also respectful, polite, slow going, empathetic, and he had a strong sense of self.  None of my other partners in my life have shown any of those traits.  All of my other partners have been selfish, users, overly attached, no sense of self, lack empathy, and use others when they can.

Oddly enough, I ended all of my relationships, except for the most recent with the exBPD.  I get attached quickly to my lovers, but when I found out they were being selfish and all around, bad people . . . I would leave.  I exited every relationship in a healthy manner, allowing a friendship to grow if possible, and making sure I was open to communication after the relationship had ended, so that both parties could heal and feel better.

My exBPD was the first person who broke up with ME, and he did it three times.  What's odd is he told me once "I'm never the one to end a relationship because I'm such a coward.  I wait until they break up with me."  Well . . . I guess I was low on the totem pole for people he cared about, because he was willing to break up with me over and over again.  However, he's said a lot of things, and much of it untrue or false promises, so I'm done ruminating over every little thing he's said.  It's pointless.

My relationship with my exBPD has opened my eyes, and allowed me to realize that I often end up in relationships that are filled with turmoil.  It's truly not on purpose.  I will get attached to someone, think they are a great person, fall in love, and then when I realize they're really not the nicest person, I'm already hooked and I will do anything to try and save the relationship.  Looking back, most of these partners really did not care if the relationship thrived or failed.  I know the two Narcs didnt, and I know the drug addict was too worn out from his own issues to work on a real relationship.  The only healthy relationship I had was with one guy.

I am still heartbroken, and I am still suffering depression because of what has occurred, but from this point on I refuse to be a "victim" anymore.

In any future relationship I will be going very slow, acknowledging warning signs, and most importantly, setting firm boundaries for myself.

I personally believe setting firm boundaries is the FOUNDATION of fostering a healthy relationship in the future.  If I had set firm boundaries, none of these relationships would have gone past 3 months.  All the men I stayed with had huge red flags, and I ignored them time and time again.  I will NEVER do this again.  I have learned my lesson.  I would have never gotten involved with my exBPD in the first place because I would have never entered a three way relationship.  I let my boundaries down.  

It was actually funny because he mentioned it a couple of times before and I said "Absolutely not, what do you think I am, a side b___?"

That was me setting boundaries and being healthy.  After I let that boundary down . . . 6 months of hell followed as I entered the most emotionally destructive relationship of my life.

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lostsoul27

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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
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« Reply #2 on: February 22, 2016, 02:30:19 AM »

Aside from some short dates, I've had 2 serious long term relationships prior to meeting my BPD wife.

I've been living with 2 narcissistic family members until I went to college.  I made sure to adapt to gain their love and praise.  Thats why I'm so codependent.  When I finally freed myself from my childhood, it was the greatest feeling.  I loved college because I was free to make my own choices in life without constantly worrying about my boundaries being neglected.

My first long term girlfriend was beautiful, bright, and slightly controlling but no BPD.  Her parents were very nice people, she wasn't raised in a dysfunctional family.  This relationship lasted a long time but we were still college students.  We dated all throughout college.  I never liked her controlling behavior (minor compared to a BPD) and then slowly interest faded away as soon as I met another girl.  I was still young and wanted to experience more. 

My next long term girlfriend did not have BPD.  I can clearly say that.  She was very nice and beautiful.  He was very mature in her way of thinking and had an open mind.  After some time, I just kind of lost interest in her.  I think because she was strong emotionally.  It was something I was new to, and associated it with disinterest.  She was the one who thought I didn't want a girlfriend anymore.  And to be honest, I didn't.  We broke up mutually.  To this day, I still think about her.  She was a great gal.

I think I subconsciously longed to be needed.  My wife was very different than my other girlfriends.  The chaos was strangely familiar and I coped with it... .BPD and codependents attract.  We were both damaged in some way.  I accepted what happened now and am concentrating on improving my life.

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troisette
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Posts: 443


« Reply #3 on: February 22, 2016, 04:43:24 AM »

It's an interesting thread Blackbird and one which has caused me to consciously give a lot of thought about past relationships and why I got into them.

I realize that all of my relationships have been with high-drama, emotionally disturbed people - this echoes my FOO and is what became my norm. I thought "normal" men who were attracted to me were boring and didn't pursue a relationship with them.

I was married to someone for 25 years who was abusive in many ways; we are still in contact as we have adult children. He shows no remorse for his behaviour, either to me or the kids - including those from his previous marriage. As you'll understand, this has had a deleterious effect on them. Not just his behaviour but the model I set by putting up with it. Many years ago, in the 1980s and before PDs were discussed, my family doctor suggested that he had "a form of borderline psychopathy only just recently identified".

I then married a narcissist, he was diagnosed. I knew nothing about the disorder until I was into the marriage. Eight years of hell followed.

Then an 18 month relationship with a BPD. I had survived very difficult FOO problems and the difficulties of my marriages but I was unaware of BPD and emotionally floored by the time I ended it. I had never experience anything like it. Five months no contact has been beneficial.

In November I met a man who I considered a friend, I enjoyed his company but wanted nothing more. A month ago he told me that he is besotted with me, wanted a full on relationship or could not see me any longer as it was too painful for him.

During the five month nc from BPD I'd been doing a lot of reading and self-examination. I'd had therapy in the past and had  intellectual understanding of why I'd become involved with such people but the emotional "aha" button hadn't rung.

I had a conversation with "friend" three weeks ago - telling him that I would be sorry to lose a friendship, that we are responsible for our own happiness (in other words, I am not responsible for his... .) and wished him well. This all came naturally and was a groundbreaking event for me. In the past I would have felt responsible for his unhappiness, felt guilt and a plethora of other unhealthy responses.

And also, just before Christmas, my ex who is the father of my children broached a reconciilation - this came out of the blue.

I was able to handle both approaches and conversations with grace and a clear head; no recriminations but empathy for them and clear sight about them, their motives and possible hidden agendas. I would not have been able to do this in the past.

So I'm beginning to understand the "gift" that people on these boards talk about. I have not consciously set new boundaries (although I knew my co-dependent tendencies made this necessary), but my boundaries are evolving anyway. My experience with BPDex was so shattering it seems that, finally, healthy self-awareness is developing. This feels liberating. I'm not fully over BPDex but I am beginning to be grateful for the experience and to understand the benefits, despite the emotional agony I experienced.
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FallBack!Monster
Formerly AudB73, Back2Me16
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« Reply #4 on: February 22, 2016, 07:18:28 AM »

There is a smirk on my face when reading this questions because that's something that I have been exploring lately.

#1... .Going back to my first BF in H.S.

He was weird.  That's all I can say about him.  My brother didn't like him and my brother also thought he was crazy.  He wasn't in anyway abusive to me but I deserved better than a guy who can always seem to come up short and could always come up with excuses.  Oh yeah, and he gave me an STD.  Not sure what his disorder was.  He lied a lot though.

#2... .  My son's father.  We didn't really had a BF/GF r/s.  He was cute but I didn't like his ways.  He was rude and obnoxious.  He would break up with every girl he dated just because.  When I asked him why he kept breaking these girls' hearts, he would look puzzled and say idk.  I one day asked him but if he was gay.  He said no.  I asked so what are you looking for, he said idk.  We never had a relationship at all. 

We lost contact for years, the miraculously he contacted me again after my son's 18th bday.  Poor thing... .he said he had lost the contact information I gave to him, in a fire.  yeah! BS!  I now know for sure that he is a narcissist.  He also has combat PTSD.

#3... .  My first "real" relationship... .Chased me. Nice, sweet, giving, and tender.  We had a honeymoon for about a year and a half.  After that, only God knows who he was.  He was inconsiderate, selfish, and it seem that no matter how I explained anything to him, he just could not understand.  He would leave me a lot and then come back as if nothing ever happened.  Ready to be sweet and kind until he felt like acting selfish again.  He wasn't my son's father, but my son got to love him during the time we were together, to the point that he started to call him dad.  This seem to make them both happy, so I never stopped it.  I only made sure that my son wasn't getting confused in thinking that he was his biological father.  My son was only 6 but a very intelligent 6 yr. old.  Told me that he knew.  He seem to be also in love

with being my son's step-dad until he left us a few weeks before Christmas and never bothered to call or bring a gift.  I know about his childhood abuse.  In fact that was one of the first things he spoke to me about.  But he didn't sound pitiful like the BPD women do it.  It was more like us telling each other bad childhood experiences.  But to think about it, it spoke about it a lot.  Now that I know about BPD, I can see that his childhood messed him up.  That man could NOT keep his emotions together.  He wasn't the worse guy, but he was killing me.  I had to get away from him and I did.  As much as I loved him, I moved and never saw him again.  Loved him for years but no desire to ever see him again.

#4... .I started to date women... .She was cute and shy.  Not the smartest cookie in the jar but that's ok, because I was prepared to help her learn... .What a nightmare!  2 1/2 years of pure hell and sex.  She wouldn't go to work and would screw up any chance that I had at getting a job.  She also, would take our last dollar and spend it on beer.  Come back with the wrong change and try to tell me she didn't know what happened to the rest of the money.  While she was getting more and more intoxicated right before my eyes.  Would go to the store for bread, come back in a few minutes with

short change from whatever bill I had given her.  On the way back home (few minutes) she would drink a 40 ounce of beer.  By the time she made it back home, she was almost still sober, but the beer would start working as she's talking to me.  Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)... .All the while denying that was even drinking.

That was that.  About 15 months into the relationship, she started to accuse me of flirting with any man, woman, old and young that walked pass me.

Then she started provoking me.  She started to abuse me physically but she only did it so that I would hit her back.  She wasn't looking for a fight.  She wanted me to abuse her.  I was scared to sleep under the same roof with her.  NO WAY that was going to be my life.  I was only in my early 20s.  I had to leave.  I found a way, and my son and I were out of there.  I spoke to her again after all that time, and noticed that her PD was now full blown.  I describe our phone conversations like me talking to a pit-bull.  She was just always angry and bringing up stuff from 20 years ago.  I went NC about 4 years ago.  Blocked her from every and any social media and I have since changed my phone number.

#5... .This woman did and did until she got my attention.  We became friends. Straight by  coming on to me.   I convinced myself to look at her as more than friends.  Said some comforting words to me.  I took my protective shield down and let her in. She came in and destroyed me inside out for about 15 years.  If any of you could think of an insulting word, self esteem destroyer, dream killing expression, diminishing remark, phrase or statement; she's said it to me.  My self esteem was so low but I couldn't see it.  I all remember is feeling like I just wanted to do something that she could admire me for.  Thought  It took me awhile, but I realized that nothing I did was going to make her like me. However, I always felt that my life was never going to progress, unless I got away from her.  I did.  thank God!  We are still in contact, but I let her know that she can no longer have any of my energy.  She now tries to buy

me but I meant what I said. Suddenly, she has come to the realization of some many things.  How important I was to her and her life.  How wonderful I am, and she realizes what she's lost.  I hope she does!  Oh! all those years we lived together she regret getting into a lesbian relationship because she didn't want people to look at her as a lesbian. All those years. Really? One to live as one but that's where she draws the line... .hahahaha... .Anyway, now she wants to marry me.  HA! NO Way.  All she wants to do is suck me in and break me down again.  Besides, I stopped being physically attractive to her about 7 years before I broke out.  Now that I'm far away, I can honestly say... .ew... .In reality she's cute and sexy, but just not to me; anymore.

#6... .  The reason why I am on bpdfamily.com.  I am still questioning why I let her in my house, around my things, around my family, and in my space in general.  If I never knew what a backstab felt like, I learned when I met this woman.  In front of my face she was sweet, shy, sexual, sad, sensitive, with the most beautiful delusional story about how we were going to be happy together.  She could just see it.  Never been with a woman (so she says) but she just knew I was the one.  When asked how did she know, among other delusions, she would say... .because I know "You" can make me happy.  Not we could make each other happy but, "I" can make "her".  WHATEVER! She brought nothing to the table!

I tried to explain to her that I was unhappy until I made myself happy, and that she should not give anyone that much power over her.  But I'm sure I don't have to explain to any bpdfamily members here how that went.  I convinced her to do the right thing; to break up with me.  It was better that way.  If I had broken it off with her, WOW!  This woman was not only taking the happy that I had built inside of me, but she was also bringing the value of my expectations of my self down.  I had never verbally abused anyone as much as I verbally abused her.  It seems that that's what she wanted.  When I realized that me bad mouthing her because of her hurtful actions, seem to amuse her, I stopped.  When I stopped she would only come around or call once in a while.  No fun for her anymore.  Since we parted, I have missed her; sometimes when I'm doing certain things but I am NOT regretful that she's out of my life.  Its only been a few months.  We facebook msg now and then, but nothing there.  I'm sure she is keeping busy.  me? I'm bored but I'm fine... .or at least, I'm getting there.

         

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Michelle27
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« Reply #5 on: February 22, 2016, 09:02:42 AM »

My only long term relationship outside of middle/high school boyfriends was my first husband who I met when I was 17 years old.  He was controlling and physically abusive.  I was raped in university when we were dating and he used that rape to blame me for being abusive (I "must have liked it" as I didn't report it out of embarrassment because I was drunk and allowed myself into the unsafe situation).  His control and physical attacks (hit me on our honeymoon, punched me in the stomach when I was pregnant with his daughter... .) while horrifying, wasn't nearly as damaging to me as the emotional damage caused by my 2nd husband (the BPD).  I met him when I was only 6 months out of my first marriage and he was only 6 weeks separated from his first wife (he only said he was separated for "awhile", I didn't realize until later how long... .). 

I have done a lot of work digging into why I chose men in my life who were not emotionally there for me in order to ensure it never happens again.  So important as part of the healing process.

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Fr4nz
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Posts: 568



« Reply #6 on: February 22, 2016, 10:03:25 AM »

I had two important r/ss in my life... .the latest one with my uBPD/HPD ex gf, which lasted 1.5 years, while the prior one with a girl (lasted 9 years).

For what is related to the 9-years r/s, I have to say that the girl was not the smartest cookie in the jar, but she was quite beautiful and I stayed with her, regardless of her incredible possessiveness and jealousy, because of some unfounded insecurities and fears of abandonment.

Indeed, that relationship was characterized by huge amounts of fights (95% of times started by her), mostly due to her incredible possessiveness/jealousy, and push/pull behaviours; however, she never nearly reached the intensity or the amount of damages my uBPD/HPD did to me.

I maintained contacts with her after the breakup (she did it) over the time, and very recently she told me that she went to a T, who told her she has OCPD issues (this pretty explains why she's so fixated with the possessiveness/jealousy thing, even with her current partner!).

Now I recognize that even in that r/s I was not able to affirm my boundaries, mainly because of my unfounded insecuritues to not find a new partner; also, I participated, more or less consciously, to the push/pull dynamics which characterized the r/s (with the very frequent and exciting make-up sex that often followed fights).

So, you can see that I brought all these dysfunctional things to the subsequent r/s I had with my BPD/HPD ex, and this led me to the final disaster :D

Anyway, the future looks bright, since with all the knowledge I have I now know how a sane relationship should be and how to search for emotionally sane women Smiling (click to insert in post)
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