Co-parenting with an ex dBPDgf with drug problems~

[WalkingAway]

I am now co-parenting with an ex dBPDgf that is seemingly struggling with drug addiction. I met her in dec 2012 right after I had moved across the country from my hometown because of a job opportunity. She got pregnant 5 months after and I moved in with her soon after. During our relationship we had many problems and she told me she struggled with depression, especially after our sons birth and a loss of her a grandfather who was very close to her. She also lost her job, which was a big strain on her. She told me she had been using some drugs because of her struggles, but that she had stopped using them. I knew she had smoked some pot before I meet her and that she did it sometimes at parties, but I had told her I didn’t want to have anything to do with it and that she absolutely had to keep it away from our son and our home.

She was very reluctant to get help for her depression and psychiatric problems but after a lot of discussion last year we decided to get couples therapy and she contacted her doctor regarding getting a psychologist. Then she had a suicide attempt in May after a therapy session where I had told her that I wanted to move out after several big conflicts where she threw me out (we lived in her house). She was placed in a psychiatric center after the suicide attempt and there she was diagnosed as bi-polar. She struggled a lot last year, especially with aggression and suspicious behavior (out late nights etc). Her brother then moved in with us because he needed help. He was struggling with drug abuse and was living on the street, according to my ex. Things got worse between us and she was doing even more suspicious things. I then caught here smoking pot in our house, with her brother who she was helping with his drug problems…. I confronted her about her drug use/problems and she basically choose the drugs over me... .That, and the fact that our son had been hearing/witnessing some of our fights was the last straw and I them decided to move out. After a few though weeks with more arguments where she got physical with me I finally moved out on 9th Oct and she simultaneously admitted herself to the psychiatric center again. There was diagnose with borderline and proven to use cannabis, amphetamine and strong pills.

We then got a custody agreement on 3rd Nov. She would have our 2s one day a week and every other weekend. This was with the condition that she was drug free and that she confirmed this to child protective services. After returning from my hometown where I spent the Christmas holidays with 2S and my family I got a phone call from CPS informing me that my ex had been arrested for drug use/possession and had been committed to the hospital for detox when I was gone. They told me that our 2S should not be alone with his mother and that it would be child neglect if I let it happen. My ex insisted that she had the right to see our 2S, as per our agreements and this is when the worst weeks of my life started.

I had to keep 2S away from the kindergarten because my ex was going to pick him up. I had to take some days off from work and while all of this was happening she sent me tons of threatening messages (174 text messages in 4 hours, spelling out letter by letter her threats). After I thought she had calmed down she managed to pick our 2s up at kindergarten and CPS had to come visit them. I then contacted a lawyer and field for a temporary injunction. I also reported her to the police and got a restraining order on her after she showed up at my apartment and waited for me and 2s for over an hour. All of my family and close friends live in my hometown so I decided to move back home because I could not stand living like that anymore. My ex has also gotten a new boyfriend which is living with her and is a drug dealer/user and I have also been told by her family that she is also selling drugs now... .I have gotten phone calls from my ex’s neighbor and mom regarding even more arrests after I moved across the country. My ex has also harassed her mother and sister and even given them death threats. It is apparent that she is struggling extremely now.  

As of right now my 2S and me are safe in my hometown. We are living at my parents place and I have the fortune of having a job where they have offices on both sides of the country so I am working as well. Still kind of in shock mode but it gets better day by day. I am now waiting for a court date and talking to CPS in my hometown how to best figure out a new plan for co-parenting, where of course the criteria is that my ex is drug free… She however has gotten her own lawyer, which she only told that I have taken our son across the country, and she has not informed the lawyer about the arrests, drugs or BPD-diagnoses/CPS concerns…

Do any of you have experiences with co-parenting with and exBPD with drug problems? Any tips or stories would be very much welcome.

[ForeverDad]

Documentation of important issues ("substantive", not substance issues) is critical.  Fortunately you have that.

They told me that our 2S should not be alone with his mother and that it would be child neglect if I let it happen.

That is important to keep in mind, you could sabotage your own parenting if you felt sorry or guilted by her.

Warning... .Don't feel sorry for her and hide any of it.  Yes, that is a risk for us Nice Guys and Nice Gals, too often we are too fair, too nice, too whatever.  While you don't want to be or appear vindictive, stand up for your child.  Keep the focus on what's best for your child.

She will try to paint you as an obstructive person. a runaway or kidnapper parent with no reason to do so.  Hopefully your lawyer can bring her lawyer up to speed with the complete facts.

You may also want to include that she shouldn't be living with drug users/sellers.  You may not be able to limit all parental contact but you can include supervised visitation requirements if there is ordered visitation.

[WalkingAway]

Thanks for your reply, ForeverDad!

Here in Norway we have something called a “concern report” which every department working for the government has to file when something concerning a parent’s childcare capability happens. I am grateful that I have gotten documentation through CPS from the police, the hospital as well as the psychiatric center. The kind of ironic thing is that if I had not been this long in the destructive relationship with her she might not have been diagnosed with BPD or caught using drugs and me and 2s would be in a very different situation… She probably would have encountered the police somewhere down the line though…

 

And I have still been struggling with feelings of guilt and compassion for her, even after all that has happened. She has even broken the restraining /no-contact order after I moved across the country by sending a text message where she claimed I was the reason why she was going to kill herself… Of course nothing happened. I also have had bad feelings in regards to 2s not seeing his mother in over a month now. However, I know that he would not be safe if he was with her and all of these feeling are slowly fading away. Sometimes it’s hard to separate my feelings towards her and what is best for 2s. This is something I should work on in one of the other sub-forums here I guess.

She has threated to “show up with the police” and arrest me for kidnapping several times. She has signed under in the agreement that 2s is living with me but the one thing she is using against me now is that I have broken a “rule” in regards to not notifying her 6 weeks before moving. As my lawyer told me, this was under extreme circumstances and no judge will panelize me for that. I have also made it very difficult for her to see 2s by moving from the west coast to the east coast, but I had no options. I am waiting on feedback from both my lawyer and CPS in regards to updating my ex’s lawyer on the facts at hand. She has already changed lawyer one time so I am curious to see what happens now. She has to agree to cooperate with me and CPS but she does not take any liability for her actions.

Supervised visitation is actually what me and my lawyer is asking for in the temporary injunction. It is however hard to find a suitable supervisory person since it seems to be very difficult to get one from CPS and she is in conflict with everyone in her family that I trust. But this is her problem, not mine.

I have been thinking that some contact is what is best for 2s all this time, but I have now had thoughts about the possibility of me taking care of 2s alone is what is best for him… This is tough to process and I have to wait and see how thing turn out before I make up my mind in regards to what I feel/believe is best…

[catnap]

In the US, there are professional services that offer supervised visitation that report directly to the court.  Mandatory drug testing prior to visitation if drug issues involved.  However, it sounds as though that might not be an option where you live. 

My son was in a similar situation that ended with him getting full custody when his daughter was 7 months old and his exgf only could see their daughter in a professionally supervised setting that she had to pay for.  Prior to ANY visitation she had to complete parenting classes and drug rehab.  She never did do the court ordered classes or visits-- the drug lifestyle won.  A year later, son returned to court to have her parental rights removed.  He is raising a happy, smart and well adjusted daughter (now age 5) by himself with the help of us--the grandparents--we pick up from daycare when needed, and babysit when he has to work on weekends.  Your family sounds very supportive and your son well taken care of and loved. 

The decision was not easy for him to completely remove the mother, but she in reality was the one who walked away.  He did hear about how he "stole the baby", etc., but the cold hard truth was that she put her lifestyle as the priority over her child. 

[WalkingAway]

In the US, there are professional services that offer supervised visitation that report directly to the court.  Mandatory drug testing prior to visitation if drug issues involved.  However, it sounds as though that might not be an option where you live. 

My son was in a similar situation that ended with him getting full custody when his daughter was 7 months old and his exgf only could see their daughter in a professionally supervised setting that she had to pay for.  Prior to ANY visitation she had to complete parenting classes and drug rehab.  She never did do the court ordered classes or visits-- the drug lifestyle won.  A year later, son returned to court to have her parental rights removed.  He is raising a happy, smart and well adjusted daughter (now age 5) by himself with the help of us--the grandparents--we pick up from daycare when needed, and babysit when he has to work on weekends.  Your family sounds very supportive and your son well taken care of and loved. 

The decision was not easy for him to completely remove the mother, but she in reality was the one who walked away.  He did hear about how he "stole the baby", etc., but the cold hard truth was that she put her lifestyle as the priority over her child. 

Thank you for your encouraging and motivating reply! I really need it, cause now things have escalated even more. My Ex's mother has now also requested a restraining/no contact order after the ex showed up at her apartment and left a knife under her doormat. My Ex has also written a concern report about me to CPS where she is now claiming I am not a good caretaker for our son and is lying through her teeth and even claiming I have watched children pornography and masturbated in front of our son! I did not think she was capable of this level of evilness but I realize now that she has no limits.

[catnap]

I think that your only option is to keep your son safe.  His mother is very unstable and dangerous. 

[ForeverDad]

No limits whatsoever.   Many of us have been stunned with that realization.  Partly it's their Black or White thinking, if we're not elevated on a pedestal then it's okay to trash us and try to crush us into the mud.  Partly it's the lack of Object Constancy, their memory of the past can be negatively impacted by their feelings and moods of the moment.

My spouse and I had spent the first 8 years of our marriage together in volunteer religious work.  A half dozen years later we had a preschooler and due to her increasing paranoia and Blame Shifting I had to separate.  Those years together in such a fine environment meant nothing.  She had driven away all MY relatives and OUR friends, so I became her focus of suspicions, she would always insist wall were 'probably' abusers.  Well, that separation started with her looking bad so she desperately had to make me look worse than her.  Within months she was trying to convince the local children's hospital and regional abuse center I was a child so******* and anything and everything else.  They didn't see anything actionable — about me.  Of course the accuser is never scrutinized for making repeated 'unsubstantiated' allegations.  (The premise is that society shouldn't hinder whistle blowers and reporters of allegations.  That keeps the targeted person virtually powerless in the cross hairs.)  However, for over a year she did convince the child therapy quasi-agency that I was "likely to be dangerous to the patient or others".  It took a few (agonizing) years but it got to the point where they didn't even want her to attend child's counseling sessions.

[Survivor83]

I just want to take a moment and say I am sorry this happened to you. I am currently going through something very similar. To answer your question there really are no effective means of co-parenting with your ex. My ex is almost in the same situation but her drug of choice was meth. She is extremely delusional and paranoid and has fabricated a false reality to explain how our situation is all my fault. I tip my hat to you sir and say best of luck.

[WalkingAway]

So a quick update.

I have gotten the date for the temporary injunction and it is only about one and a half week away.

There have also now been arranged a supervised visit for the ex and 2s at CPS’s office here in my hometown. It went okay and 2s was fine, but CPS had a lot of observations and comments regarding the ex and her lack of enthusiasm etc after not seeing her son in over a month. 2s was also not that excited to see his mom... .They also promised me to make her take a drug test after the visit, but they did not. They instead made an arrangement that the ex is going to take a drug test at her doctor’s office next week if she wants a new supervised visit when she comes back to town for the temporary injunction... .We will see how that goes. When the ex traveled cross the country to my hometown she sent a lot of disturbing snap pictures (naked pictures etc) to her friends and family, and two strangers contact me on Facebook regarding concerns about 2s on and “warned” me about the ex coming to my town… I don’t know if I can trust everything her mother is telling me but she has told me that the ex is now using needles… The ex did not mention anything regarding her “concern report” about me while she was with CPS and when asked about the accusations she said she had “deleted the evidence”…

CPS has contacted the police to get new information regarding the ex and I hope I get some more documentation before we go to court. I am quite certain I have enough documentation regardless, but it would be nice to have some of the things I have been told about confirmed. I have however a new concern report (dated 24th February)” from emergency care in her hometown regarding her being “unstable. The ex seems to realize that she has to make adjustments but I don’t know exactly what she will aim for in court. The question now is how long can I demand her to take drug tests and only see 2s with supervision and can I demand more, i.e. proof of treatment of her drug/BPD problems. I will off course talk to my lawyer about this. I feel confident but still have a bad feeling in my gut. She and her lawyer will certainly try to paint a different picture in court and I hope I have enough to make the judge see through it.

Again, thank you all for the support!

[ForeverDad]

Here are a couple impressions I've concluded from my years with domestic court, CPS, police, peer support reports here, etc.

• While the courts and agencies may want the parent with mental health issues to improve, they they don't force them to comply with therapy.  As in, you can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink.  Court and professionals may focus on expectations, you focus on the reality.



• Court will be inclined to set the bar fairly low.  The judge may think it isn't as bad as you say.  That's why independent documentation is so very helpful.



• Court may prefer to set Supervised Only as a temporary solution and if/when she meets the goals then it would go away.  However, the downside to that is you'd have to start a new action all over again the next time she relapses.  And drug addicts have a high recidivism rate.  You or the professionals probably need an ability to 'monitor' her ability to have parenting or parental contact, not for just 6 months or a year, but longer.



• As for physical custody, court will no doubt continue to have you as the Primary Parent, it's the details that matter.  Nail down loose ends.  The standard court orders have boilerplate expecting cooperation so beware of vague phrases that can enable problems such as "mutually agreed" exchange locations or "reasonable" telephone contact.



• As for legal custody, better for you to get sole custody and Residential Parent for School Purposes, though if the court is reluctant to give you full custody at least try for Decision Making or Tie Breaker status so she can't delay or obstruct major decisions.



• Your focus must be for your child.  When with professionals primary focus should be on your child's welfare, you necessarily should be second to that.  His mother, well, she's an adult, she has a responsibility for her actions and behaviors, if she shows up on your priority list it needs to be further down.  You're not vindictive, you're just dealing with the reality.

[WalkingAway]

So another quick update.

The ex and her L has now tried to reject the temporary injunction in last minute... .My L told me all their claims are invalid and the case will proceed on Monday as planned. She have now been given several changes to provide a drug test to CPS but her last excuse was that she could not afford it. I have gotten conformation from the police regarding some of the stuff I have only heard about in regards to her criminal activities and even gotten confirmed more severe things (grand theft... .). It seems like the ex and her L know they have a bad case and are trying to delay things. It is really strange cause this would basically give the ex no custody (I have main custody and CPS still feels it is dangerous for 2s to be alone with her).

Her in Norway they have to kinds of supervised visitations, which can be given by a judge.

1 Protected supervision. 16 hours in one year where CPS is present at all time

2 Supported supervision. 32 hours in one year where CPS assist

We are aiming for #1. There is not possible to make an arrangement without an legal ruling because of the circumstances and I pray that the judge sees this and gives her a verdict.

If it doesn’t happen I guess we will proceed to a trial with permanent ruling.

[livednlearned]

Hi WalkingAway,

I'm so sorry for all you've been through, you and 2S.  :'(

My ex (bipolar + n/BPD) also had a substance abuse problem, though he was perhaps more functional than your ex, if you can call it that. He mixed alcohol with prescription pills, so no illegal drugs.

He is no longer in our lives and recently I learned he has moved away. My son was 9 when we left, and 12 when things became too tenuous and the court finally ruled out visitation altogether. Our original (temporary) order stipulated that ex was not to drink or do pills before or during visitation and there was really no way to enforce it. From the pattern of his messages, and their content, I suspect he did his best to wait until our son was asleep before he lit up and began self-soothing with alcohol and drugs. Like you, I also received 100+ messages in a 12 hours period, throughout the night. I think it may be something that goes along with the mania/bipolar cormorbidity?

Anyway, there is a grieving process when you finally realize your child's other parent cannot meet the minimum requirements to be in your lives. When the judge ruled no more visitations and awarded me full custody, I felt a mixture of relief and grief. Really, when you look at your child's face and see the sadness that they don't have a whole family, it can shred your heart to pieces.

I know now that my son (who seems to have a sensitive genotype himself) would never have survived living with my ex. When there is a bipolar parent, there is a 50 percent chance of heredity, and they say roughly the same with BPD, at least the predisposition to be highly sensitive.

Learning to validate painful feelings is the one miracle cure that helped my son cope with his ongoing grief about his dad. He's a teen now, and has closed up a bit and chooses to keep more things private. If you can, learn everything about validation and use it with your son. One of the things I was raised to do was to appease negative feelings and this can stunt emotional growth. I've learned to just listen and hold my son (if that's what he wants) when he is sad/mad/upset because if he experiences them, he learns that he is resilient in the face of great pain.

I hope all goes well with the injunction and that you and your son are doing ok. My therapist told me a child only needs one sympathetic witness (healthy parent) in life to do well. It can be a bit harder if your child suffers from some of the same things that afflicted your ex, though even these challenges can be overcome with enough love and some helpful communication skills 

LnL

[WalkingAway]

  Hello LnL

Anyway, there is a grieving process when you finally realize your child's other parent cannot meet the minimum requirements to be in your lives. When the judge ruled no more visitations and awarded me full custody, I felt a mixture of relief and grief. Really, when you look at your child's face and see the sadness that they don't have a whole family, it can shred your heart to pieces.

This really hit me hard when I was reading it yesterday. There are a lot of feelings and emotions and it is at times hard to understand them... .


Thank you so much for sharing. Reading about your story and that you and your son now are okay is inspiring

I will decently look in to validation and what that involves. I am going to get Circle of Security training as well with help from CPS.

[livednlearned]

Lesson 5 over on the Coparenting board is dedicated to Raising an Emotionally Resilient Child When One Parent Has BPD:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=182254.msg1331459#msg1331459

The book I Don't Have To Make Everything All Better is excerpted under the section on validation, and this book was the most helpful for me. Ultimately, it changed me, not just my son. So hang on and be prepared for some emotional growth    We end up having to model for our kids what we want them to be, and that means changing our own patterns.

[WalkingAway]

Thanks for the reading suggestions!

I have bought Splitting... .on ebook and as a mp3 but I don’t have time to read through it before the hearing. Does anyone have any tips on which chapters I should focus on if I have time?

After talking to my L and others about the situation I feel kind of confident that we will at least get supervised visitation, the question then becomes how strict and for how long. To summarize:

We made an agreement on November 3 last year after I moved out on October 9. She was to have 2s every other weekend and one day a week, with the understanding that she was drug free and CPS was given drug tests.

Documented incidents by either the police or health care departments since the agreement:

22/11 Tested positive for drugs at her doctor’s office

31/12 Arrested. Drug charges

02/01 Hospitalized because of overdose

21/01 Arrested. Drug charges

27/01 Arrested. Grand theft

22/02 Showed up at her mother’s apartment with a knife. Forcibly admitted to emergency room because of psychological imbalance

Then there is also the two restraining orders and documented threats to me and her mother. All this plus CPS's reports should be enough for the judge to make the right decision.

My L is trying to keep the conflict level as low as possible while dBPD-exgf and her L is doing the opposite. What I am not sure about is if I should also mention the things that happened when we lived together that is a concern in regards to 2S. The Intense mood swings, extreme anger, yelling at 2s for not putting on a bib etc. As well as the things she told me about her drug use.(Compered her drug use to a “hobby”, said it was her reward. Admitted to use cannabis for long periods as self medicating. Admitted using amphetamine for several weeks because of stressful work). She claims not to have a drug problem and told CPS that her habits with drugs is comparable with others who drink a couple glasses of wine when they have a babysitter; this is documented in one of their report. Her lawyer is claiming her drug use is “situation based drug use” whatever the heck that means…

And then there is also her false accusations.

[ForeverDad]

After talking to my L and others about the situation I feel kind of confident that we will at least get supervised visitation, the question then becomes how strict and for how long.

Courts often want to presume there is improvement if not some level of recovery for the parent.  That's fine and dandy but your concern is about everyone else and especially your child.  Beware of court wanting to set up milestones that if reached by your ex, however unlikely to happen at this point, then the protections go away.  Courts love it when monitoring ends, they've succeeded in a goal.  But you don't want to restart a case all over again every couple years!  So if at all possible, you need to obtain or retain the ability to monitor her and contact with your child going forward, not just until she meets a certain landmark.  The fact is that with serious drugs relapse is a real concern.  Even if she gets her life to a better place, there's no guarantee it will last.  At the least you need the ability to pull back on her parental contact when you see problems, at least temporarily, and not have to wait for court's permission to do so.

Documented incidents by either the police or health care departments since the agreement:

22/11 Tested positive for drugs at her doctor’s office

31/12 Arrested. Drug charges

02/01 Hospitalized because of overdose

21/01 Arrested. Drug charges

27/01 Arrested. Grand theft

22/02 Showed up at her mother’s apartment with a knife. Forcibly admitted to emergency room because of psychological imbalance

Then there is also the two restraining orders and documented threats to me and her mother. All this plus CPS's reports should be enough for the judge to make the right decision.

Don't hide her misbehavior and poor patterns.

And likely these reports are just the tip of the iceberg, a lot surely never was found out.  But the documentation is what you and the court has to work with.  A whole lot of smoke, there's good reason to conclude there's fire to and not just smoke.

What I am not sure about is if I should also mention the things that happened when we lived together that is a concern in regards to 2S. The Intense mood swings, extreme anger, yelling at 2s for not putting on a bib etc. As well as the things she told me about her drug use.

What does your lawyer say?  Mention it so the court can get a sense of her long pattern of behaviors.  Her pattern.  But there is so much else that it will just reinforce the existing documentation by professionals.  However, understand that with time some incidents will fade in importance.  I recall on my first testimony in court about prior incidents, working my way backward in time, the magistrate stopped me when I reached 6 months.  Evidently there's a point where incidents get too old to mean much, legally 'stale'.  They shift from actionable recent incidents into older history or patterns.

Frankly though, her lawyer is trying to throw as much dust in the air as possible to blunt the impact of all the bad reports.  Minimization, excuses and counter-allegations are a desperate attempt to obscure the reality.  With so much input that won't succeed. Though I expect the court will be obligated allow her lawyer to bring them up.  Without any evidence though, it will be seen as unsubstantiated and/or hearsay.

[WalkingAway]

Yesterday might have been the most absurd day of my life... .and there has been some strange f#"¤%ing days lately.

She basically showed the judge and the court how severe her illness is by telling them her whole life story of abuse and destructive behavior with drugs etc. More than I could imagine. (ex. She brought a local newspaper the she claims has a headline about her when she was six and she assaulted her teacher.) She was fishing for sympathy by being “completely honest” and hoping to get by with lying about others at the same time but ended up digging a big black hole for herself. She claimed to have been struggling mentally her whole life and that she has been using drugs from the age of 13. And then she claimed to have been drug free for a month now by taking long walks with her boyfriend…... She had no prof of being drug free or of getting the treatment she was claiming and when questioned about the treatment she could not answer for herself and it was clear she was not going to therapy.  She referred to Wikipedia and excused all her behavior with drugs, threats etc. with her having borderline and that it was me and her family’s fault that she has borderline. She showed no self-reflection and did not take responsibility for any of her actions. No one asked about her false allegations regarding me which she now has claimed in front of a judge in court. I am considering reporting her to the police for false statement. When talking about 2s and visitation she was only concerned with money and expenses and she barely mentioned 2s at all. She did however bring pictures of 2s to the court and put one on display directed straight towards me for the last hour of the meeting… And this is not even half of the loony toon things that happened. And the she said she wants to have 2s alone one long weekend each month!

We were “hoping” for cooperation and that she would agree to supervised visitation for a long period but now we are going to trial and we got  supervised visitation until the new trial preparation meeting in June.

I hope I showed the court that I am more than welcome to cooperate but that it is impossible because of her. And if she doesn’t prove her self drug free and/or that she is getting successful treatment I am hoping to get supervised visitation for a long time or full custody

[livednlearned]

Wow.

It can be an advantage to have a BPD person give testimony. My ex represented himself and that was probably the number one reason why I ended up with full custody.

I guess it's always possible she will settle right before trial. It's hard to imagine her lawyer allowing her to do that all over again in front of another judge.

Some people who have come through this forum through the years talk about the importance of expert witnesses. For example, since it is now on record (by her own admission) that she has BPD, you could cue up someone who has expertise on BPD and child-rearing, and the ill effects. Plus, an expert witness who can testify about the impacts of the drug history she shared.

Sometimes judges have common sense, and sometimes they go so by the book that they won't consider common sense in their rulings. You don't want to leave it to chance that a judge will understand what BPD means to the well-being of your child.

[WalkingAway]

I guess it's always possible she will settle right before trial. It's hard to imagine her lawyer allowing her to do that all over again in front of another judge.

Yeah, we will have to wait and see what her situation is like in 3 months. Im thinking that if she gives negative drug tests and CPS gets conformation of success/improvement from her therapy maybe I can suggest an agreement with strict regulations.

Exampel:

- She gets 2s one weekend pr month

This with the condition that she proves a negative drug test 10 days before the visit and CPS get consent for full insight in her therapy and aproves the visit.

If she gives a positive drug test or CPS has concerns, she gets 2 hours supervised visitation pr month.

It would also be very important to get strict rules in regards to delivering/picking up of 2s, the protected visitations, as well as the financial stuff.

If her situation doesn’t improve in the next 3 months I might have to go for full custody. And yesterday she again broke the restraining order and sent me 3 messages... I feel like the only way she will be stopped and the only way to get her some kind of help is to report her to the police, because she is clearly not doing anything herself to better her situation. But reporting her to the police is starting to feel like kicking someone when they are down... .

[WalkingAway]

Just found out she also broke her restraining order against her mother yesterday and called and sent mean meesages to CPS!   She is spiralling down fast.

[livednlearned]

I'm sorry, WalkingAway. It's a terrible disorder, and like you say, it can feel like kicking someone when they're down.

Your ex sounds so much like mine, right down to being mean to the third-party professional who you think they would try to humor. Instead, they start treating them like they treat us, and that's probably the fastest way to lose custody.

[Frank88]

Walking away-Just out of curiosity, was the pregnancy planned or an "accident?"

[WalkingAway]

Your ex sounds so much like mine, right down to being mean to the third-party professional who you think they would try to humor. Instead, they start treating them like they treat us, and that's probably the fastest way to lose custody.

It’s still baffling that she did that... .She has always managed to keep a straight face with CPS and other third parties but now she “deliberately” showed CPS how unstable she is. She called and sent them mean messages less than an hour after she had a supervised visitation with them where CPS thought she seemed calm and “stable”. I hope now CPS really sees how unstable she is.¨

Btw, just ordered I Don't Have To Make Everything All Better from amazon   

[WalkingAway]

Walking away-Just out of curiosity, was the pregnancy planned or an "accident?"

It was not planned. She claims she was on birth control and has told me she thinks it happened because of a bad stomach/the pills not working. I figured it was one of those 0.1% when birth control doesn’t work. But the strange thing is that she gave a long and unfolding explanation of why she got pregnant at the hearing on Monday. I just said she got pregnant after 5 months of dating and then she came with this long almost apologetic story afterwards… It seemed kind of out of place but so did almost everything else she talked about... .

[WalkingAway]

So it has been a month since the court order of temporary supervised visitation and she has not made any attempt for it to happen. It was clearly stated in court and written in the order that she has to contact CPS, but she has not. She was also arrested for drug possession on week after the court hearing (where she claimed to have been drug free for a month). She has also started a “firm” with her boyfriend, started a blog and has apparently placed herself once again into a psychiatric home. As well as posting on facebook. about suicide attempts and having pictures of police cars and ambulances in front of her house…. By reading her blog and fb it seems like she is still focusing on showing her “innocence” by “proving that the system, her family and I  failed her. And she only writers about how me “keeping 2s away from her” is making her life miserable, nothing about what is best for 2S.I have now submitted the subpoena for the final court hearing. This was with the same demands as before (supervised visitation), but if this keeps up I believe I should consider asking for full custody.

But 2s is doing great. =) We had some problems with sleeping routines but he is now falling asleep and sleeping the whole night in his own bed. (he had gotten used to sleeping in my bed). My dad who is taking care of him while I am at work is getting a little tiered though (he is turning 70 this year). So I am considering asking my boss for reduced work load. This is normal for single parents in my country. It’s a new job though, so it is not fun to ask for this but I think I have to. It would only be until august when 2S is starting back in kindergarten.

[ForeverDad]

Walking away-Just out of curiosity, was the pregnancy planned or an "accident?"

It was not planned. She claims she was on birth control and has told me she thinks it happened because of a bad stomach/the pills not working. I figured it was one of those 0.1% when birth control doesn’t work. But the strange thing is that she gave a long and unfolding explanation of why she got pregnant at the hearing on Monday. I just said she got pregnant after 5 months of dating and then she came with this long almost apologetic story afterwards… It seemed kind of out of place but so did almost everything else she talked about... .

It seems those 0.1% of birth control failures are common for people with BPD (pwBPD).  Quite a number here have said they were in that 0.1% 'oops' group.  I guess it's hard for them to admit "I forgot" or be aware "Subconsciously I didn't want to lose you" or "I had to have control over your life".

Was it intentional?  Accidental?  Medical exception?  You may never know for sure but you'll always have the suspicion that it wasn't the meds.

[WalkingAway]

It seems those 0.1% of birth control failures are common for people with BPD (pwBPD).  Quite a number here have said they were in that 0.1% 'oops' group.  I guess it's hard for them to admit "I forgot" or be aware "Subconsciously I didn't want to lose you" or "I had to have control over your life".

Was it intentional?  Accidental?  Medical exception?  You may never know for sure but you'll always have the suspicion that it wasn't the meds.

Yeah, I'm thinking she did it on purpose, but It really doesn’t matter now.

Here is what she has written on her blog (loosely translated. She actually used the term mac-dreamy though, )

This until I met the man who would become the father of my first child. I remember I was so in love. Was sure I had found me my "mac-dreamy" We were in love and with the confidence from that i dared to finally take the step and apply for executive positions. Not long after I was appointed as store manager. I was very proud and nervous but took the challenge head on. I was stressed and worried and this made me struggle alot with stomach trouble. This led to the birth control pills I went on not working as they should. Five months into the relationship with mac-dreamy I had become pregnant.

[WalkingAway]

Still no attempt from the ex to have visitation with 2s, now 6 weeks after the court hearing. The drug test she gave on the day after the hearing was too "thin" to verify and she has not given the other two drug tests which she was supposed to give (and i was to pay for). This combined with the fact that she was arrested a week after the hearing for drug possession tells me she is still struggling hard with drugs and this should be enough to convince the judge in june that she has not improved since last hearing.

She has also been completely quiet on facebook and her blog for two weeks now which is a big contrast to the last months. I am curious to what she is doing but I need to realize I don’t need to monitor her anymore, there is enough evidence to prove that she is not stable. I also realize a part of me probably wants to know if she is "okay" (at least alive) but this is something I also need to let go.

[ForeverDad]

It is what it is.  Isn't Acceptance one of the last stages of Grieving a Loss?

Always remember that one of our greatest qualities, wanting to help, can be our greatest weakness since it can expose us to risks.  In your case, your parenting and your child's welfare could be impacted.  She is an adult, court won't force her to change, they will address her as she is.  As you are doing.

[WalkingAway]

That's probably it, I am slowly starting to accept that 2S's mother is really not the person I thought she was and that she probably will be potentially dangerous throughout his childhood.