Rescuer professions

[Frank88]

I've noticed a lot of us on here have stayed in relationships longer than we should have. Could it be our training? I believe I have stayed in two because I thought I could fix or save, that I could muscle through the problems, and because I did not want to abandon anyone. I believe that a lot of my upbringing and professional life have prepared me to do this. I wonder if there are a high amount of military, firefighters, police, etc. that end up in these positions due to our self discipline and beliefs. Never quit. Used to dealing with pain, abuse, discomfort.

[Turkish]

As my T said, "there's nothing wrong with being a Rescuer." He said that he was one himself,.having grown up with an alcoholic father. I would add social workers, thereapists, doctors, nurses (even including the BPDs which my RN mother has told me about for years), and perhaps some teachers. We could add more to the list. Rescuers are necessary. They can be a type of glue which helps save the world from itself.

When it bleeds over into our intimate relationships, it can get us into trouble. Seperating the noble aspect of Rescuing (helping others) from that which hurts us (Rescuing at the expense of ourselves) is what results in pain. The first rule of first responders is to keep ourselves safe: don't grab the person being electrocuted without proper PPE, and don't go into a confined space without an SCBA.

We know this in our professions, but seem to forget about it in our relationships. Why is this?

[Rmbrworst]

I work I'm healthcare in a trauma hospital.  The part of my job that gives the biggest satisfaction is helping somebody when they need it most.

I am a caretaker and I love to treat my partner very well.  It wasn't until recently that I realized many times in my romantic relationships, I sacrifice myself far too much.  However at work I sacrifice myself constantly.  It's considered par for the course.

I'm learning all around in my relationships and career not to give away so much if nothing comes back in return

[Welgrow]

I've read that somewhere too. I'm a fireman and when I read about codependents/Nons being the fixer/rescuer types it blew me away. I though 'God, I dedicated my life to fixing other people's problems/emergencies.' It's strange how I've let it bleed over to my personal life. My T has a cliché that seem appropriate to this bleed over. He says, "What works at work, hurts at home." I need to learn to let people have their problems. I need to learn healthy boundaries with any future lovers.

And Frank, I think it's a combination of my training and years of service coupled with my terrible self worth issues that stem from my FOO that made me extremely vulnerable. I too have been in two relationships with the BPD type and it seemed impossible to break away. I just suffered/muscled through it too, and didn't want to abandon people I love even if it was destroying me. Thanks for the topic.

[Lexisdad]

I am a police officer/paramedic. I no doubt stayed much longer because i thought i could help my BPDex gf. Over five and a half years of rages and several occasions where she became physical. My experience and training led me to believe i could deal with her actions. Most of us who are in these proffesions are doing it because of the noble calling and the fact that we like to help people. We spend our whole careers helping strangers and we can't help the person in our own lives we love the most and we have no control of the outcome. We are typically the ones most people look up to to make a difference and are known typically as the " good guy".

[GreenEyedMonster]

I'm a teacher and it is certainly a martyr profession.  You are judged by how much work you take home, how many extra hours you put in and sit at your desk when the school day is done, how many Saturdays and Sundays you come in, and just generally how much you're willing to put your kids first.  One boss I worked for a while back said that you should be willing to come to school any time because teaching is a 24/7 profession!  Talk about having bad boundaries!  It took me a while to establish good work/self boundaries as a teacher, but shockingly, a lot of my colleagues don't seem to need or want boundaries.  If I don't have boundaries I go absolutely insane -- my anxiety disorder goes crazy on me, and I lose all perspective on what "good enough" looks like.  I would say that our whole profession has a boundary problem.  Maybe we'd attract healthier people if we worked on that.

They say that "helping professions" attract people with personality disorders, and I often think this is true.  I've heard that teaching in particular attracts people with narcissistic tendencies, and you can maybe see why.  It is a job where you have a lot of control over your immediate environment, interact with mostly people (students) who are beneath you on the chain of command, can punish people swiftly for insubordination, and play a judging role.  The daily routine is a performance where you are the expert.  This part of the job held no appeal for me and I almost had to "learn" to be more narcissistic; I became a teacher because I loved my content area and wanted to share it with others.  I hate grading and judging and ranking and sorting -- I always ask myself why I should have that kind of authority and I am very humbled and intimidated by it!  Obviously not ALL teachers are narcissists, but I suspect the percentage is higher than the general population.

I've encountered a fair amount of nurses, though, too, who have this tendency, so it does seem to go along with helping professions.  It seems like many individuals in these professions are either codependent or attain some kind of emotional supply from the people they help.  For a pwBPD, it might be the security of being an "indispensible" member of a team who has saved lives.  For a pwNPD, it might be the supply they get from being admired and praised, or a martyr complex.  For a codependent person, it may be that they enjoy losing themselves in others.  But I do see a pattern here too.

[Michelle27]

I am a teacher too.  When I was a child, I considered all kinds of careers, all in "helping" professions like social work, nursing, lawyer and teacher.  Ultimately I chose teaching because I love my subject area specialty (music) and the idea and the idea of spending every day at work doing what I loved made me happy combined with having an example of an amazing high school music teacher who inspired me greatly.  I work in an inner city middle school with low income, needy kids and that's actually what I love most about my job.

During the worst years with my BPD ex, I threw myself into my work even harder because it gave me the feedback I needed that I was doing well at something.  Many of the former students of mine from those years (now in their 20's) are still in touch and more than a handful call me "Mom".  My work is where I got the validation for being a good person that I didn't get at home from my husband and well, as a Mom, you don't always get the immediate validation that you are doing a good job (although now I can see that my girls survived the chaos in our home much better than I would have expected).  Those years were so rewarding professionally, that I have continued pushing myself professionally and still do good things at work, so I'm grateful that it was an is an outlet that I needed. 

I do believe that those in helping/rescuing professions are easy targets for pwBPD/Narcissism and I can see why. 

[Penelope35]

I am in a health care profession too and have been a volunteer animal rescuer since I was a kid.

I have a feeling that this will be a very interesting thread

[Driver]

I wish to remain as anonymous as possible, so I'll just say that I do the same job as some of you mentioned here above.

[Confused108]

I was a Police Officer years ago. But helping people , listening to their problems, being strong when others can't be is just who I am. At the end when everything was said and done with my ex and after the discard  is when j started to reaserch her behaviors. It's just not normal to claim to love someone and ten the next day drop them like they never existed. I came up with of course BPD. All her symptoms were there. About 7 to 8 of the 9 to be diagnosed with the disorder. I had no idea at the time with my ex that this is what I've been dealing with so many many years ago. I contacted her thru email and told her what I came up with. Of course I got no response.

[gundam94]

I work in a factory before that I had completed all the schooling and training to be a police officer. I've always been a very nice person. As a kid I tried to be friends with everybody. It got me walked all over as a kid. Today I'm still that very outgoing nice guy. I go out of my way to help people. I volunteer with kids and I love it. I've always wanted to help people. It's who I've always been.

[misterfire17]

I am a firefighter- for almost 30 years. I have been with my wife for almost 34 years. I think one thing that has influence in addition to wanting to save every victim is the conditions we see. For me sometimes it is a hook or a deception in that when you see how bad things are for some people, you can't imagine being ungrateful for what you have- even though many/ most people would wonder why you put up with the things you do.

[MyLifeIsNow]

I run a small day care center. I'm more of a nurturer than a rescuer. Maybe there are similarities... .? My wife had two relationships before we met - with a social worker and a psychotherapist. Imagine that. 

[Frank88]

Well put misterfire, about seeing how bad other people have it. I think for many of us we have to remember that helping others is a good trait to have and to not be burned out by one person or relationship. 

[MapleBob]

Wow, this is an enlightening thread! I was a teacher, but I was not very long ago driven out of the profession for, essentially, trying to set boundaries for myself with work!

Doesn't Codependent No More (or maybe some supporting literature somewhere) basically state that Rescuing has done an immeasurable amount of good in the world? Little enough solace as it is, that seems like a true statement to me.

[GreenEyedMonster]

Wow, this is an enlightening thread! I was a teacher, but I was not very long ago driven out of the profession for, essentially, trying to set boundaries for myself with work!

Isn't it crazy how unhealthy boundaries are the norm in education?  I was sitting in the lounge the other morning talking to some colleagues and one said, "Yeah, I come in every Sunday for three hours.  There's no way I could get my job done if I didn't."  I was kind of shocked that she said that out loud.  It's like, what do you want, a gold star?  All of us do work outside the typical hours at one point or another, but not all of us keep track of it enough to brag about it.  Sometimes I take work home, sometimes I don't.  Sometimes I grade all weekend, sometimes I don't.  I don't like sitting at my desk and prefer to work at my home office, but I get labeled as "one of those people who leaves at contract time."  Ugh.  I also don't have a spouse or kids at home to distract me, so there's no reason to drive 30 miles in to work to use the school computer when I have my laptop at home.  Unless I want to impress everyone . . .

There is this huge culture of one-upsmanship when it comes to martyrdom.

Sometimes I think that parents who are in rescuer or helper professions raise kids to think that martyrdom and selflessness are noble or even expected.  I never saw my mother do anything nice for herself.  I equate parenthood with that.  Being a bit of a stubborn person, that makes me dislike the idea of having kids.  "You will love sacrificing everything for your child," I am told.  I get really sick of all this pressure to be selfless! 

My exNPD/BPD was raised by a crazy martyr mom who was herself in a rescue profession, and pushed him into a similar profession.  It never really stuck for him.  He was in a non-rescue profession before that and I think he was happier with it.