What is it about the discard (blindsiding) that makes it so difficult to process

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Mine threatened to break up or divorce so many freaking times that I was shocked when she finally filed.

I think she finally did it when she saw how much I resented her treatment of me.  Once I knew the BPD diagnosis, she says I made her feel bad about herself because I thought she was a bad person or something like that.  I reminded her of all her flaws.

Is that common?

[Mr. Magnet]

Mine threatened to break up or divorce so many freaking times that I was shocked when she finally filed.

I think she finally did it when she saw how much I resented her treatment of me.  Once I knew the BPD diagnosis, she says I made her feel bad about herself because I thought she was a bad person or something like that.  I reminded her of all her flaws.

Is that common?

[Turkish]

Mine wasn't diagnosed with anything other than depression, but she thought she had something else, an unnamed "attachment disorder." Me urging her to get help was met with, "I feel like you're throwing my sickness in my face." Before that, she told me, "I know I'm sick."

Hard to validate that, or even if it's necessary unless you have unfinished business and need to stay in contact. Even then, boundaries are important.

[TheCodependent1]

This may help you understand the mindset of a BPD as their illness is revealed. I've found this to be the very best article written on BPD. Just an excerpt:

"The danger felt by the person with Borderline Personality Disorder motivated by neurotic fear of being found out and facing possible rejection or abandonment, stems from disordered emotional processing and cognition. As a result, the very idea of someone exposing the reality of borderline behavior is a trigger that evokes fear of exposure along with the subsequent fear of abandonment. Consequently, the potential of facing this stress triggers the core issue, the fear of abandonment, isolation, and public exposure to the truth resulting in Borderline Rage."

"If you are the person who understands the deception and the personality disorder patterns and you decide to challenge the dysregulating behavior patterns, be prepared to become the focused object of rage motivated by irrational belief that you pose a threat for abandonment, social isolation, and rejection. "


https://organizationalchangesolutions.wordpress.com/2011/03/11/deception-and-the-borderline-personality-what-could-have-been/

[GreenEyedMonster]

I think part of it is because most of us recognize problems in relationships and are aware of them long before they manifest into something serious.  For pwBPD, however, they hide the problem, mask the problem, bury the problem . . . until it explodes.  The fact that there IS a problem at all is reason enough for you to abandon them.

The problem is also usually an imagined one, so it is hard for us to see it coming if we're a "non."

I have attachment issues also, from suffering a very bad abandonment early in my life.  I know when something is triggering that PTSD-like reaction in me.  I can tell my partner and talk about it without doing the push-pull thing.  It is humiliating to have to tell your partner that something they did caused you a panic attack, and it means dragging skeletons out of my closet that I don't always want to talk about.  If someone can't handle all this, though, I realize they aren't the partner for me, because I can't pretend those things didn't happen to me.  My last partner, a narcissist, basically wanted me to ignore all my fears so that he could do the things he wanted to do.  This didn't end well for him.

I think the more a "non" tries to get the partner with BPD to act "normal" and not process their fears, the more of a landmine the issue becomes.

[anothercasualty]

I think part of it is because most of us recognize problems in relationships and are aware of them long before they manifest into something serious.  For pwBPD, however, they hide the problem, mask the problem, bury the problem . . . until it explodes.  The fact that there IS a problem at all is reason enough for you to abandon them.

The problem is also usually an imagined one, so it is hard for us to see it coming if we're a "non."

I have attachment issues also, from suffering a very bad abandonment early in my life.  I know when something is triggering that PTSD-like reaction in me.  I can tell my partner and talk about it without doing the push-pull thing.  It is humiliating to have to tell your partner that something they did caused you a panic attack, and it means dragging skeletons out of my closet that I don't always want to talk about.  If someone can't handle all this, though, I realize they aren't the partner for me, because I can't pretend those things didn't happen to me.  My last partner, a narcissist, basically wanted me to ignore all my fears so that he could do the things he wanted to do.  This didn't end well for him.

I think the more a "non" tries to get the partner with BPD to act "normal" and not process their fears, the more of a landmine the issue becomes.

All very well stated, GEM! Thank you for this. I really needed to read/hear that thought process today.

[GreenEyedMonster]

I'm glad it helped.

For me, if the conversation goes like this, I know I'm in trouble:

GEM:  "I have some issues from one of my first relationships."  [Expands on details.]

exNPD/BPD:  "Wow, you are an amazing person.  I can't believe you survived that."

GEM:  "Wellll . . . I have this problem, that I imagine you doing the exact same thing to me, because of the trauma I've been through."

exNPD/BPD:  "How can you accuse me of that!  How can you make me out to be like the *(#^& who did that to you!  I am not that kind of person and you know it!  You need to get your mental health checked.  You need therapy.  You are going to wreck every relationship you will ever have!"

Yep, didn't work.

[Fr4nz]

I'm glad it helped.

For me, if the conversation goes like this, I know I'm in trouble:

GEM:  "I have some issues from one of my first relationships."  [Expands on details.]

exNPD/BPD:  "Wow, you are an amazing person.  I can't believe you survived that."

GEM:  "Wellll . . . I have this problem, that I imagine you doing the exact same thing to me, because of the trauma I've been through."

[... .]

Well, to be honest: after the experience of a relationship with a BPD/HPD, I'm now in full alert when dating new potential partners... .I'll look carefully for red flags :D

So, if a new potential partner tells me something like that, that would alert me a little bit, because that can be a BPD indicator; however, instead of accusing you and suggesting you to get therapy, I'd ask you to go in more detail and I'd be a very kind and careful listener

[troisette]

Thank you Codependent1, that's a very good article, the best I've read too.

[GreenEyedMonster]

I'm glad it helped.

For me, if the conversation goes like this, I know I'm in trouble:

GEM:  "I have some issues from one of my first relationships."  [Expands on details.]

exNPD/BPD:  "Wow, you are an amazing person.  I can't believe you survived that."

GEM:  "Wellll . . . I have this problem, that I imagine you doing the exact same thing to me, because of the trauma I've been through."

[... .]

Well, to be honest: after the experience of a relationship with a BPD/HPD, I'm now in full alert when dating new potential partners... .I'll look carefully for red flags :D

So, if a new potential partner tells me something like that, that would alert me a little bit, because that can be a BPD indicator; however, instead of accusing you and suggesting you to get therapy, I'd ask you to go in more detail and I'd be a very kind and careful listener

I'm self-aware and outright told the individual in question that I can be a challenging person to be in a relationship with.  I ALWAYS apologize and take responsibility for whatever I've done when the anxiety subsides, and I lose control of it very rarely . . . even more rarely if I have an open dialogue with my partner.  I recognize that I have some "special needs" that not everyone can handle, and if they would leave after I were honest with them about it, I wouldn't hold them at fault.  "I just can't deal with your anxiety" is legit, in my opinion, which is why I clarify the situation as close to Day 1 as possible.  I have never broken up with someone because of my anxiety.  My previous relationship lasted 12 years.

The problem is that my exNPD/BPD was so addicted to me by the time he learned what he was dealing with, he didn't have the courage to leave.  I was honest, but he failed to recognize his own limitations, even though I described in VERY great detail what happens when I have anxiety and what provokes it.  He even knowingly re-did things that had caused me panic attacks in the past, without bothering to ask me if I could handle them a second time.

My point in sharing all this is that sometimes when you try to shove a traumatized person in a "normal" box for your own convenience, you bear at least some responsibility for the outcome.  If you don't want to be surprised by a terrible ending in a relationship, make sure you are a trustworthy and open person who doesn't react defensively in situations where your partner is trying to share important information!

[OopsIDidItAgain]

Three days before our relationship ended mine said to me "I know there is something wrong with me and I feel like right now I'm in my right mind and I can tell you that soon I might not be who I am at this exact moment. But I'll come back to being me eventually and I'll fix us, if I damage us because I want us more than anything I have ever wanted in my life."

It was like a line from a movie. Now, I feel like she foreshadowed our breakup. three days later she ended things out of nowhere. Five minutes before she ended it (LITERALLY 5 MINUTES) she wanted to marry me and have children, then Boom she was all of a sudden unhappy.

So yes, things like that left me personally blindsided.

[SummerStorm]

In normal relationships, there is usually some indication that the end is near and some sort of discussion about it.  There is returning of personal belongings, a gradual decrease in communication, etc.  In a relationship with a pwBPD, however, there is often no indication.  As others have mentioned, they can wake up one day and want to marry you and wake up the next day and want to leave you.  They often keep your personal belongings and just shut off all contact.  There is no closure, and that's what makes it so difficult to process.

[Confused108]

My ex sent me a letter she wrote to me how I was the love of her life the "one" for her etc. how she could not live without me etc etc. . Then 2 days later bc of a stupid comment I made about a tatoo she got all huffy and said she needed time bc our relationship became exhausting. Then she said I was obsessed with her?  Lol! Then she needed a break and the next day later just dumped me. Crazy!

[SummerStorm]

My ex sent me a letter she wrote to me how I was the love of her life the "one" for her etc. how she could not live without me etc etc. . Then 2 days later bc of a stupid comment I made about a tatoo she got all huffy and said she needed time bc our relationship became exhausting. Then she said I was obsessed with her?  Lol! Then she needed a break and the next day later just dumped me. Crazy!

That's pretty much all it took for me to go from being the "one" to being "psychotic," "clingy," and "annoying."  I said one little thing to her, and it set her off. 

[Confused108]

My ex sent me a letter she wrote to me how I was the love of her life the "one" for her etc. how she could not live without me etc etc. . Then 2 days later bc of a stupid comment I made about a tatoo she got all huffy and said she needed time bc our relationship became exhausting. Then she said I was obsessed with her?  Lol! Then she needed a break and the next day later just dumped me. Crazy!

That's pretty much all it took for me to go from being the "one" to being "psychotic," "clingy," and "annoying."  I said one little thing to her, and it set her off. 

Wow see! Unreal man! Now I really undersatand the term walking on Egg shells!

[MapleBob]

I think part of it is because most of us recognize problems in relationships and are aware of them long before they manifest into something serious.  For pwBPD, however, they hide the problem, mask the problem, bury the problem . . . until it explodes.  The fact that there IS a problem at all is reason enough for you to abandon them.

The problem is also usually an imagined one, so it is hard for us to see it coming if we're a "non."

Oh my god yes. I went through this exactly with my recent uBPDex. I had no idea there was a problem until it was too late. I felt like I had been tested and failed without even knowing it. That's not healthy, and it's not sustainable, and it's shocking.

[HarleypsychRN]

Three days before our relationship ended mine said to me "I know there is something wrong with me and I feel like right now I'm in my right mind and I can tell you that soon I might not be who I am at this exact moment. But I'll come back to being me eventually and I'll fix us, if I damage us because I want us more than anything I have ever wanted in my life."

It was like a line from a movie. Now, I feel like she foreshadowed our breakup. three days later she ended things out of nowhere. Five minutes before she ended it (LITERALLY 5 MINUTES) she wanted to marry me and have children, then Boom she was all of a sudden unhappy.

So yes, things like that left me personally blindsided.

That is exactly how it happens. Mine told me she loved me 24 hours earlier. When I confronted her about her  lies, she moved out the next day WITHOUT any emotion at all.

[Confused108]

Three days before our relationship ended mine said to me "I know there is something wrong with me and I feel like right now I'm in my right mind and I can tell you that soon I might not be who I am at this exact moment. But I'll come back to being me eventually and I'll fix us, if I damage us because I want us more than anything I have ever wanted in my life."

It was like a line from a movie. Now, I feel like she foreshadowed our breakup. three days later she ended things out of nowhere. Five minutes before she ended it (LITERALLY 5 MINUTES) she wanted to marry me and have children, then Boom she was all of a sudden

So yes, things like that left me personally blindsided.

my ex told me that she wanted to see me so her 6 hour drive would make her feel off and not good.

That is exactly how it happens. Mine told me she loved me 24 hours earlier. When I confronted her about her  lies, she moved out the next day WITHOUT any emotion at all.

[SuperJew82]

That's kind of sad. I believe they really want these things, but they just cannot stop hitting the self-destruct button. I can't image it, but it sounds like pure hell. It hurts me when I heard her say " I just want to be normal "

I forgave her after she cheated and lied time and time again. After every episode she would sell me on how it wasn't going to happen again. She would never stop having one or two men on the sidelines. One was the deadbeat father of her two year old - and that was never going to go away.

Had to put it to a stop. The torment was never going to end.

[gundam94]

For me it was the fact that it came out of nowhere. I thought everything was fine. I was a week away from asking her to marry me. That's how fine I thought everything was.

Also because it went so wrong so fast. Before I knew it my 2 1/2 year relationship was going down in flames and the harder I tried to put the flames out, the harder they burned. I did everything I could to try and save my relationship.

[HarleypsychRN]

For me it was the fact that it came out of nowhere. I thought everything was fine. I was a week away from asking her to marry me. That's how fine I thought everything was.

Also because it went so wrong so fast. Before I knew it my 2 1/2 year relationship was going down in flames and the harder I tried to put the flames out, the harder they burned. I did everything I could to try and save my relationship.

I'm still trying to recover from the end of a relatively short relationship. That is the insidious thing about these relationships. I treated my girlfriend like a queen and she devalued me quicker than if I treated her neutral. Love and affection is exactly what she did NOT need. The harder you try, the worse the pain when they blindside you. The fact that they just walk away as if you meant nothing to them is the most painful aspect of having a relationship with someone with BPD... .particulary when they have already made contact with their next "victim".

[MapleBob]

Also because it went so wrong so fast. Before I knew it my 2 1/2 year relationship was going down in flames and the harder I tried to put the flames out, the harder they burned. I did everything I could to try and save my relationship.

Same here, but it only took 8 months before her first discard attempt. Then 6 more months with two more discard attempts, then two months of NC, then ten months of "trying to be friends" (aka "me enduring her sabotage whenever we could actually go a few weeks without some kind of fight".

If it's any insight for you, my ex basically admitted that it wasn't fair or normal or even really about me; she was 100% incapable of seeing any positivity, and was focused 100% on the slim margin of negativity between us. Might be the same with yours. I'd like to think they'll come to regret that.

[gundam94]

Harley: You have no idea how right you are my friend. I treated my ex like a Queen as well. I tried to always be there for her and would drop anything at a moments notice for her. It got to the point where I had tailored my entire life to fit around her schedule. At the time I believed it was a necessary sacrifice to make our relationship work (after all she is still in school and it was easier for me to do). And yes the fact that they can walk away so easily really hurts. I fought so hard to save my relationship. I couldn't understand why she wasn't. Little did I know I hard already been replaced. But yea, she walked away from our 4 years of friendship, 2½ of which we dated, like it was nothing. Like I meant absolutely nothing to her. That's what hurts the most.

For what it's worth I'm sorry for what you're going through. It's a terrible thing that I wouldn't wish on anybody. I know you've probably heard this before but it does get better.

Maple: Wow, I'm sorry you had to deal with that. That sounds absolutely terrible.

While I hope she does regret it one day (I don't want to sound arrogant but I was probably the best thing to happen to her), I highly doubt it. She is not the kind of person to admit she's wrong. She'll go down with her sinking ship, the whole time denying it's sinking. She would bring up my past mistakes and/or hurtful things I said and use them against me. However if I just mention something she did wrong in the past she'd break down into tears and say how I'm being mean, purposefully misunderstanding the past and how she's sorry. Her sorry absolves her for all her past mistakes. My sorry does not.

That was one thing that I could never stand about her. She could never let go of the past. In her mind every fight we ever had was unresolved. Sometimes we'd argue for weeks on end. Just going around in circles. With her trying to find a solution, even if the solution was just me saying "I'm sorry". It would get to the point where I'd forget what we were originally fighting about. I would just start telling her what she wanted to her just to end the fight. But that didn't work because she'd bring up what I said X amount of days before hand. She would cause me of just running away from all of our problems when she was trying to fix them. I tried to explain to her that wasn't the case. But she would not listen. She said we go around in circles because of me. Not because she's looking for a solution that fits her.

[Dutched]

This may help you understand the mindset of a BPD as their illness is revealed. I've found this to be the very best article written on BPD. Just an excerpt:

"The danger felt by the person with Borderline Personality Disorder motivated by neurotic fear of being found out and facing possible rejection or abandonment, stems from disordered emotional processing and cognition. As a result, the very idea of someone exposing the reality of borderline behavior is a trigger that evokes fear of exposure along with the subsequent fear of abandonment. Consequently, the potential of facing this stress triggers the core issue, the fear of abandonment, isolation, and public exposure to the truth resulting in Borderline Rage."

"If you are the person who understands the deception and the personality disorder patterns and you decide to challenge the dysregulating behavior patterns, be prepared to become the focused object of rage motivated by irrational belief that you pose a threat for abandonment, social isolation, and rejection. "


https://organizationalchangesolutions.wordpress.com/2011/03/11/deception-and-the-borderline-personality-what-could-have-been/

Really, really SPOT ON, at least from my experiences.

The link/site sums it up very accurately.

Matters got worse and worse over the years, but projected as me being the cause for it. Even towards the kids.

After I discussed matters with the family doctor (for him a new ‘chapter’ opened as only exws version was known to him), exw was soon after very strongly advised to have treatment. Which was categorically refused, but indeed triggered, resulting in one of the most severe outbursts until then. Incl physical violence towards me. somehow.