wanting opinion

[S0TEK]

So my wife was first diagnosed with BPD 7 months ago she has been to 4 different people and they have all said agreed that she is. She still at times does not think she is. She goes to counseling I think to make me happy. I tell her she has to go for herself or its a waste of time. She says she does some of the things she does to see if they care and only wants to do things her way if not they are just being mean to her or don't like her. At times this includes me she does things to see what I will do and see if I still care. at times she acts worse than my teenage son. I asked her to get help after she started cutting she told me she had done it in the past. now she does it all the time when she feels bad.

Is it wrong of me to want to set up a schedule for her and get a routine set up for her to follow like a teen. I get so frustrated with how she acts. have bee to her counselor with her a few times and it has not gone well. we talk about things when we can and I think we have things at a good point and then hours later she is back to saying I don't care and just want to do what I want and don't care about how she feels. I am just getting to a point where I don't think I can help her. Her sisters know but do not know she cuts. I have threatened to tell them and her parents that don't know anything and she begs me not to saying she does not want to be a burden. so what I need to keep it all in? I have told her how i have read about having the family know and help in a good thing

I am just not sure what to do or where to go from here.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[JohnLove]

Hello SOTEK. My BPDexgf says this crap to me all the time. It's maddening. She doesn't cut but she has stabbed herself in front of me.

No, it s not "wrong" of you to want to help her with structure and try to provide her with stability but will more than likely result in you being a persecutor... .and labelling controlling.

You are getting to the point where you are realising her problems are not yours and are bigger than you?... .and that is a positive first step.

[zodi 2010]

Hi sotek,

Perhaps you should enlighten us with what u mean by structure and routines.  Are they necessary?  In what way does this help your dBPDw?  Is she given the opportunity to provide input, or do you dictate what they will be in your own accord? 

I have found that listening, showing understanding, and compassion can greatly reduce the pain someone with BPD feels.  My person with BPD just wants to feel loved, and like she matters to others.

You stated that she is in counseling, have you considered teaming up with her T to see what actions on your part are professionally recommended?  Maybe the T can lead you in a positive direction with how to help her.  The T may even provide a way that makes both you and her feel heard, important, and empowered.  In any event, I hope you find your path to successfully helping your dBPDw.  I am sure the other forum members will give you personal experience that can help you see what you should and can do.