How to make friendship work, when romantic feelings exist

[alkaseltzer]

Not sure if this is the right place to post this given that my friend and I have NOT ever had a romantic relationship, but here goes.

I love my friend deeply. We've been friends for six years. We never dated or even had sex, but have made out a few times and have generally had a very close friendship. A year and a half ago, we had a vacant room in my house so I invited her to become my roommate. We became even closer, she told me about her BPD and other mental health conditions (MDD and PTSD). She called me her best friend, and I felt the same way. At some point I realized I had feelings for her and decided to tell her. Long story short, it was a disaster. She started to become hostile and disrespectful, and found my professed feelings for her pathetic. Things slowly came unraveled and she has been spiraling out of control ever since. This past September we had to kick her out because her drug addictions had escalated to the point where she was endangering the rest of us. Even though she had been saying for months that she wanted to move out (but could never find the right time/place/way to do it), she seemed genuinely hurt and shocked that we evicted her.

A few months later, she's still doing tons of drugs and sleeping with any guy that will give her drugs, but occasionally makes efforts to get clean. Her and I go through alternating phases where she says she misses me and wants to hang out, she asks how long until I am finished my psychology degree and can "fix her" (I tell her that's not how it works - I have also told her that the thing she needs to do most is to cry, and let all the pain out, but that is the one thing she does not want to do) but after a few days becomes extremely uncomfortable around me and disappears for weeks at a time, ignores my calls and messages and says she doesn't want to see me because I'm a creep who's obsessed with her. I may well be. I try, but I can't really hide the feelings I have for her, they're written all over my face and in the way that I look at her. She once actually asked me to stop looking at her because the way that I looked at her made her uncomfortable. I just look at her as though she is the most beautiful thing in the world, which is ridiculous because she is a flawed and imperfect person. But I am a typical pisces and when I love somebody, I love them deeply, to the point of wanting enmeshment. I am aware of how suffocating that would be for someone with BPD and I feel like I am totally respectful of her need for space, I don't bring up my feelings, but she sees right through me and feels I am stupid for feeling the way that I do. She feels totally unattractive and unworthy of love, and she says she wishes I had never said anything about the feelings that I have. Oh, and she also denies having BPD or a drug problem. I think she deeply regrets having shared so much of herself with me.

I understand and accept that she may never be able to accept the love that I want to give her, or return my feelings. I still want to be her friend and would love to see her be happy. We were friends long before I developed any romantic feelings for her. On the internet there are people who will say that such a friendship is doomed even without knowing that she has BPD. Are they right? I want to be a stabilizing force in her life and be there for her regardless of what becomes of "us," but is that even possible?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[JohnLove]

Hello alkaseltzer, yes the "Internet" is correct. She has BPD, MDD, and PTSD and before the end of your story she didn't. DENIAL. Don't Even Know I Am Lying, sums it up pretty well.

Just sharing your home ended in her endangering you. What else did you forget to share with this board?

Why would you even think a romantic "relationship" would not end in total disaster for everyone concerned?

Ever heard of red flags?

[alkaseltzer]

Hello alkaseltzer, yes the "Internet" is correct. She has BPD, MDD, and PTSD and before the end of your story she didn't. DENIAL. Don't Even Know I Am Lying, sums it up pretty well.

Just sharing your home ended in her endangering you. What else did you forget to share with this board?

Why would you even think a romantic "relationship" would not end in total disaster for everyone concerned?

Ever heard of red flags?

I'm asking if it's possible to salvage the friendship. I don't think I want a relationship with her. Maybe she senses that? I could never say it to her but I think it's true. I wouldn't be able to trust her. I don't trust her. I want to be with her but I don't trust her. It's hard to know how to separate "love" from infatuation when you already have an "unconditional love" type friendship... .and even harder when the person betrays you. But for some reason it hasn't changed how I feel about her.

[confounded]

I'm in sort of similar situation with my friend. Our story started when she told me that she was infatuated with me, that I'm her fetish, etc. - in the years I've known her, it's always been her that has initiated physical contact (hugging, holding hands, kissing a couple of times; we've never had sex). The difficulty is that we are both married to someone else. In my case, this is not necessarily the end of it, since I'm polyamorous and believe that's it is possible to have multiple close relationships at once, though that requires a lot of communication and openeness, and my wife accepts this side of me.

Anyway, about three of months ago I took the plunge and told her exactly how I feel and what I wanted from our relationship - I thought it was safe to do so, since we'd been talking about multiple relationships (she even finished the Heinlein quote I started: "Love does not divide, it multiplies", "... .and the more you love, the more you can love", she finished), and professed our love for each other - but somehow she got scared once she realised what she was doing, started backpedalling and vanished on me. Haven't heard of her since... .I'd too like to salvage our friendship, but have no idea if it's even possible anymore.

[JohnLove]

A friendship requires effort from both parties. Friends don't betray each other. Friends don't endanger each other. Good friends aren't disrespectful... .and if they find themselves in that position will offer a genuine apology and correct their mistake. If you truly desire to "see her happy" that may take a long time with the path she is on and you may be setting yourself up for more disappointment. She is disrespecting herself, endangering herself, and abusing herself in many ways... .so why do you feel she will treat YOU any different?

You need to ask yourself what do you want or expect from the friendship?... .and if genuine friendship is even a possibility. Only you can answer this for yourself.

All the best.

[alkaseltzer]

A friendship requires effort from both parties. Friends don't betray each other. Friends don't endanger each other. Good friends aren't disrespectful... .and if they find themselves in that position will offer a genuine apology and correct their mistake. If you truly desire to "see her happy" that may take a long time with the path she is on and you may be setting yourself up for more disappointment. She is disrespecting herself, endangering herself, and abusing herself in many ways... .so why do you feel she will treat YOU any different?

You need to ask yourself what do you want or expect from the friendship?... .and if genuine friendship is even a possibility. Only you can answer this for yourself.

All the best.

I am trying to have NO expectations. I want way too much, clearly, but like I said, the love I feel for her feels, to me, unconditional, and felt this way long before I ever had an inkling of any romantic feelings for her. She is not the first "troubled soul" I have tried to "save." She may even see me as a familial, even parental figure, and maybe that is all I can be to her. If being unable to apologize (or to forgive, for that matter) makes one unable to be a good friend, then she cannot be a good friend. And maybe that is the case. In that case my focus would have to shift to the question of "how can I best take care of myself and ensure that I do not sacrifice my own needs and my own happiness, while continuing to offer unconditional love to this person?"

Confounded, I empathize with your situation. It seems that love is scarier for some people than for others. I for one have never been afraid to make myself vulnerable, but clearly others feel differently.