New member, saying hello and long post with questions

[Offaleater]

Hi all,

I will TRY to keep as brief as possible, but it will feel good I guess to get some off my chest.

I met a woman 3 years ago, she was at the end of a long term relationship, I was a few years out of a 17 year marriage. She is 16 years my junior.

Her relationship was long distance and she claimed to be ending it, but it sort of kept going for a good 18+ months, with me being a secret, until she could end it. But it seemed she couldn't do it.

Last year we went traveling overseas together, and while away she found out she was pregnant, with someone else's baby, not mine or her previous partner.

I have never quit understood her behaviour, every so often she would just go out and do something stupid, or dangerous (risky). While other times she was reasonably sensible.

She always was obsessed with a previous partner ( from 7+ years before) and would often be a mess because of how it ended (she was unfaithful)

Anyway, a lot of times she ended up in hospital after something caused her to have a breakdown, usually involving an ex, and one time a doctor took me aside and mentioned BPD to me.

I did my own research and it fitted like a glove.

After we got back from overseas, she tried to be with the father of her unborn baby, and I moved to the country. But it didn't last long, she and he didn't get along, I suspect he couldn't handle the mood swings, and she didn't like that he didn't do exactly what she wanted at all times.

She left him, was in and out of hospital, and staying at various peoples houses until their welcome was worn out.

She then told me she thought the baby was mine and that I had abandoned her, and our baby, I am a very loyal person and responsible, and it hit me where it hurt, she as alone, and it might be my child. So I agreed to come stay with her and help wi the end of pregnancy and birth and baby when it came. I made clear a relationship was not what I wanted.

But slowly and surely I have found that she took it for granted that we were a couple.

All off a sudden she introduces me as her partner, something she never did before.

She started talking about our future children and long term plans.

At a recent stint in hospital (after baby was born) she was finally diagnosed with BPD, which was a relief for me, as I knew myself, but nice to have professionals agree.

We still don't know who the biological father is , she lets the other man have visits and everyone believes he is the genetic father, but when she speaks to me she says it might be mine.

She puts off paternity test as she wants it to be mine.

I continually catch her out in lies to me, I am surprised she continues as she is quite bad at it. And every time when I prove to her I know it's a lie, her reply is

"I didn't want to hurt you"

Of course now I love this baby (11 weeks old).

She is meant to start some treatment soon (DBT or something).

Some things I wonder,

Is infidelity just going to be something I always worry about?

If it gets too much, can BPD people raise a child?

One thing I notice and curious if it's part of the disorder, for her the words MAYBE, MIGHT, PERHAPS, do not exist, if I say MAYBE IT WILL RAIN, all of a sudden we are getting ready for a blizzard.

I find it very difficult at times as a rational argument is impossible. She interjects with something that has nothing whatsoever to do with the situation and leaves me dumbfounded. 

Most of the time she is nice, but she can on occasion say something that is so personal and nasty it freaks me out, something that can do nothing except really hurt me.

Also, unrealistic expectations of people, seems everyone for some reason owes it to her to do whatever she wants and they should be grateful doing whatever it is.

She is obsessed with what others do, and seems to think everything is somehow related to her, she will see a post on Facebook and I'll hear about it for hours, it has nothing to do with her, but she believers it is.

Often we have to leave somewhere or I hide her as there is someone she doesn't want to see, I find it odd someone so young seems to have enemies, I have never had one.

I would leave, but I feel guilty, I do care for her, and worry about her, and now I worry snout the baby, who is doing very well, but I am always there making sure.

I am by no means perfect, I suffer major depression, anxiety and PTSD myself, but I take medication and function well. Mostly.  I can't really work, and that's ok, social security agree and so I get some money to live on. Most people would consider me very relaxed and "together" but mostly I well. But I am quite at ease with all that, I don't expect to be happy really, but I prefer to be stress free. But she makes every day a drama of some sort, if we go to the shop it is an ordeal for some rapeason I can never anticipate.

Anyway I am rambling, sorry, but I haven't got anyone to talk to about this. It's sometimes very overwhelming. Oh I am 42 years old, already have a grown daughter, and actually prefer to be alone.

Thanks for listening,

Ari

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[livednlearned]

Hi Offaleater,

Welcome and hello 

I would be relieved too to know there was a diagnosis, and it sounds like she is accepting this dx and willing to try therapy? That's all pointing in positive directions, which is important when it can seem like you're on a steep hill of uphill struggle.

If you discovered the baby wasn't yours, would anything change for you?

If she were to be with you and then have another affair, would that be a dealbreaker for you?

I ask because "saving" a relationship can mean many things. It can mean learning how to interact with, and accept, and communicate with someone who has BPD. We can only maximize our chances, and accept that this is a serious disorder with impulsivity, emotional dysregulation, sometimes paranoia and psychosis, and an unstable sense of self. People with BPD don't do stress very well, and life (especially with a baby) can be stressful.

This is really about learning what we can to minimize conflict and stay grounded when our BPD loved one is on the roller coaster. If you are in the picture because the baby might be yours, and then discover the baby is not, that seems like an important decision point to explore.

[Offaleater]

Thanks, yes I was relieved when she was diagnosed for sure.

Regarding the baby, I am 99% sure it isn't mine biologically, and it doesn't matter, I love the little fella.

Another affair? Hmm, I think that would be a deal breaker, it's taken me months to get her to admit to this one, even though she got pregnant, she still denied it. I wonder if it's impossible for her to be faithful.

Thanks for the reply, this forum has been a big help, reading others stories, knowing I am not alone, and I wasn't imagining it all.

Ari

[Grey Kitty]

Regarding the baby, I am 99% sure it isn't mine biologically, and it doesn't matter, I love the little fella.

Are you more committed to being a father to the baby than to staying in a relationship with the mother? (I get that you wish to do both.)

You indicated that another affair would be a deal breaker for you, and given her history, it sounds like a very real risk.

So I agreed to come stay with her and help wi the end of pregnancy and birth and baby when it came. I made clear a relationship was not what I wanted.

But slowly and surely I have found that she took it for granted that we were a couple.

All off a sudden she introduces me as her partner, something she never did before.

She started talking about our future children and long term plans.

I think this is pretty typical for a pwBPD--if you try to re-define the relationship to a limited (i.e. just friends) level, they will act to pull you in farther.

Anyhow, you obviously care for her and want good things for her and the baby, and want to have some role in her life... .so you need tools to help you manage it better.

Most people would consider me very relaxed and "together" but mostly I well. But I am quite at ease with all that, I don't expect to be happy really, but I prefer to be stress free. But she makes every day a drama of some sort, if we go to the shop it is an ordeal for some rapeason I can never anticipate.

Yeah, there is a lot of this with a pwBPD. Can you describe in some detail a specific incident? There are a lot of different tools, and applying them to a specific situation works better than trying to solve big general problems for me.

[livednlearned]

Hi Offaleater,

Everything going ok? It can be overwhelming at times in BPD relationships. Just checking in to see how you're doing