Nothing changed and I'm afraid nothing ever will

[Aleks]

Been here a couple of months now and felt relieved finding out my wife has BPD... .at least I had an answer for all her craziness and strange behaviour. I wrote a post many months ago and people here have been really supportive... .haven't written anything since. I read all the lessons, lots of books on BPD, I learned about validation, SET, boundaries and all. However I think I suck at all of them... .I find it really difficult not to take it personally... .she is getting worse with each fight... .she dysregulates over little things and makes up an entire drama making me the guilty one. She hates my mom, she hates that I speak to her, she hates my grandma and every member of my family... .even though my family helped her whenever she needed help but she doesn't appreciate anything they have ever done for her. My mother lives five minutes away. However she made me tell my mom that she isn't welcomed in our house... .she doesn't allow my family to see our 2.5 year old boy. Even though my mother lives so close she can't see her grandchild month in a row because my wife doesn't wante her to... .my family is just devastated... .I am wrn up, exhausted, depressed, sad, an emotional wreck... .she has belittled me in the worst possible way, saying terrible things about me and my family... .she thinks my mom is controlling me and tells me what to do... .she made me choose between her and my mother countless times (SHE REALLY HATES MY MOTHER). I am cursed, called names, she even tries to phisically abuse me... .she can't really harm me but I got slapped a few times, thrown things at, yelled at... .and all of these in front of our child who also has type 1 diabetes. She is like a demon in those moments... .her eyes are filled with hatred. Nothing I ever do is good enough and I work, help around the house, care for my child and so on... .Whatever I do it is never enough. On the other hand she is always tired from all the housework, taking care of the boy, and she keeps complaining ... .she always thinks she is sick,she has some sort of disease... .I am just sick and tired of all this crap, but I love my child so much and I really wished there was a way to make things work... .I am just lost. How can we stop JADE-ing when their accusations are so illogical, so mean and petty, how can we not take all the verbal abuse personal... .I find it really hard because even if I refuse to engage, she keeps challenging me until I blow back. I left the house on a number of occasions and I was accused of not caring about the health of our child.

Now she is at her parents with our child, she wants a divorce (SHE WANTS A DIVORCE EVERY MONTH), says she never loved me, cared about me, liked me, never wanted to get married, regrets doing it, i am an awful person and I never changed... .What the f... .k can I change, why can't she see her behaviour as a problem... .I tried pointing out she might have a problem and now she says I called her CRAZY.

Deep down I know I am guilty for where things got... .I always gave in to her manipulation and emotional blackmail and lost my own self on the way... .I am a shadow now... .a reminder of the person I used to be.

HELP ME OUT PEOPLE ... .Teach me... .how do I deal with it... .how do I respond to accusations, name calling, cursing, abuse... .how do I set boundaries... .how can I make my own choices, how can I get strong and become the person I used to be? This almost 6 years marriage has taken away my soul, my heart, my personality, my family, my friends... .MY LIFE.


I am sorry for the long post but I needed to vent a little.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[JH68]

Aleks, welcome.  There are a lot of resources on this website.  Please take time to read the articles and lessons.  

she made me tell my mom that she isn't welcomed in our house . . . she made me choose between her and my mother countless times

Living with my BPDw, I often find myself in a position where I have to make difficult, unpleasant choices.  It is easy for me to get into the victim mindset that I have to do something, that I don't have a choice.  However, when I go back and look at the things my wife "made me do,"  I have to acknowledge that I nearly always had a choice.  Sometimes, I'm worn out and don't have the mental fortitude to resist something she's pushing; I give in because it is the easiest thing to do at the moment.  Sometimes, I look at the choice in front of me and choose the thing she's pushing because the alternatives are worse.  Sometimes, I resist and I don't give into what she wants.  

A couple months ago my BPDw told me that I have to choose between her and my 18 year old son.  I told her, "I love you both.  I want both of you in my life and I'm not going to choose."  I was prepared for her to have a tantrum, ask for a divorce, or tell me that by not choosing I had actually chosen him over her.  None of that happened.  When she realized I wasn't playing that game she dropped it.  By refusing to choose, I didn't have to cut my son out of my life.  Also, I didn't have to pick him over her (which would have likely triggered her abandonment issues.)  Instead, I pushed the choice back to her.  She had to decide what (if anything) she was going to do about the fact that I'm going to keep my son in my life.

Deep down I know I am guilty for where things got... .I always gave in to her manipulation and emotional blackmail and lost my own self on the way... .

This sounds like you have already taken a huge step in the direction of improving things.  You deserve to give yourself a pat on the back for writing this.  She didn't "make you" do things.  You gave into her manipulation and emotional blackmail.  Everyone who lives with a pwBPD gives into manipulation and blackmail sometimes.  So, don't beat yourself up for it.  The first step to taking your power back is to realize that you always had the power, you always had a choice.  Unfortunately, sometimes it is hard to see that.   Now, when I find myself in a situation where I feel that I'm forced to do something, I try to stop myself and figure out what my choices are.  Sometimes the battle is not worth fighting and I choose to give in.  Sometimes the stakes are too high and I choose to resist.

[mimixxs]

Dear Aleks,

it is so hard to do this when there is a child! I can only give you one piece off advice. deescalate. as much as is humanly possible. try to avoid the useless confrontations - nothing comes of them anyways except the verbal abuse, right? try to stay calm. for your own sake but also for your child.

to feel better about yourself and to reconnect with yourself try to join a sport, a club anything really that gets you out of the house and among people who share an interest with you.

[Daniell85]

You certainly have a lot on your plate right now 

What may help you is to look at this as a work in progress. Your wife says your mom can't see your child. Very hurtful all around. Hugs to your mom, too.

RIGHT NOW... .you probably won't be able to address the issue between your wife and your mom. Your wife is extremely hostile to your family and it's a giant leap to try and clear up right now. Is there a "reason" for the hostility? An event that she is using as an excuse?

So that leaves you with what you can do. The first thing is to de-escalate things.

How long has your wife been at her parents? Was there a particular event or argument that set her off to go over there?

[sweetheart]

Hello Aleks this sounds overwhelming so it must feel a whole lot worse for you. I want you to take some really deep breaths, because as you are at the moment nothing can be sorted.

What's good even though it might feel bad, is your wife and child are with her mother and they are safe. You are safe, and you have some space to take those deep breaths and just not react and get drawn in to her chaos for a bit.

If she's raging, texting dysregulated stop answering your phone. This is the start of boundary enforcement, that if she is not calm and being abusive or threatening. Do not pick up. You can text and say that you care about her very much and will talk with her when things are calmer between you. Then leave it and take sometime to focus on you and your needs. How do you feel about putting that in place as a starting point for you?

Here are two links for you, one is about looking after yourself and what that looks like. The other is how to not be eaten whole by being in a relationship with someone who has BPD. It gives you some clear dos and donts to refocus and reframe your thinking. It starts prompting you to think about boundaries so that you can ground yourself emotional and build up your strength.

It is possible to sort things from where you are now, however the changes are in your hands. This will not be a quick fix, to improve things is about being slow, steady and consistent.  Ok?

What does it mean to take care of yourself?

US: "Relationship Recycling" - What is it?

Come back and let us know how things are. What's happening today, how are you feeling?

[Aleks]

You certainly have a lot on your plate right now 

What may help you is to look at this as a work in progress. Your wife says your mom can't see your child. Very hurtful all around. Hugs to your mom, too.

RIGHT NOW... .you probably won't be able to address the issue between your wife and your mom. Your wife is extremely hostile to your family and it's a giant leap to try and clear up right now. Is there a "reason" for the hostility? An event that she is using as an excuse?

So that leaves you with what you can do. The first thing is to de-escalate things.

How long has your wife been at her parents? Was there a particular event or argument that set her off to go over there?

Actually there isn't any reason to hate my mother, other than the fact that she thinks my mom is a controlling shrew who tells me what to do (THAT IS CRAZY) and she sees every little thing every gesture, every word as a personal attack against her.

[Aleks]

Update: My wife came back from her parents. She just spent one night there. However we had fought again... .She told her parents that I was the one who always picks fights with her and never leave her alone... .Her dad even called me and threatened to call the police because I don't leave his daughter alone. I am speechless... .I am just so disappointed with her and what a manipulative person she can be... .how can she lie with so much ease when the both of us know who starts every fight and who abuses, both verbally and physically... .

I hate everything about my miserable life... .

[sweetheart]

I understand you feel hurt and upset by the your w distorting her version of what's gone on, however in trying to improve things between you it will be important to find ways of trying to accept and at the same time protect yourself against being emotionally overwhelmed by these behaviours.

Also have you considered how you will protect yourself in the future if your w continues to make false accusations to her parents about you and they do phone the police?

This is mental illness, it often makes no sense at all but you will start being able to see patterns and common grievances in your w's behaviour. These patterns will help you.

How are things at home today, I can hear you feel awful, can you move on from this and see how things are over the next couple of days?

[Aleks]

My feelings and wishes are never taken into consideration... .However if she wants something and I say no... .there's hell on earth.

Regarding my problem with the fact that she refuses to let my mom see her grandchild... how should I deal with it?

Say one day I tell her that I'd like to take my son to his grandma... .I'm 100% sure she'll say NO and start to dysregulate... .What should I do, how should I make my wants matter... .he's not just her child, he's also mine... .I should be able to decide when or where I wanna take my son... .and not be treated like I'm some kind of slave in my own house. God there are so many wrong things in my life that sometimes I would just like to wake up with amnesia and forget all the hurt and pain, all the verbal abuse, the hurtful feelings. Other times I'd like to just shout ... .YOU HAVE A MENTAL ILLNESS AND YOU NEED TO TAKE CARE OF IT... .However I think she'll never accept this... .I tried implying that her behaviour is not quite ok but she accuses me of calling her crazy.

Well, thanks everyone for your support... .I don't know how to deal with all these problems anymore... .I'd like to be able validate and not JADE and so on... .but it's so hard when nothing I want is respected, I'm not respected, my family isn't... .

[Aleks]

I understand you feel hurt and upset by the your w distorting her version of what's gone on, however in trying to improve things between you it will be important to find ways of trying to accept and at the same time protect yourself against being emotionally overwhelmed by these behaviours.

Also have you considered how you will protect yourself in the future if your w continues to make false accusations to her parents about you and they do phone the police?

This is mental illness, it often makes no sense at all but you will start being able to see patterns and common grievances in your w's behaviour. These patterns will help you.

How are things at home today, I can hear you feel awful, can you move on from this and see how things are over the next couple of days?

Thanks for your support. Things are let's say better... .I mean we didn't fight today... .and sometimes she seems like nothing had happened, nothing had been said, no verbal abuse had taken place... .I am still very hurt and I feel so overwhelmed with everything. I have spoken to my family and they are also very hurt and very worried about my son and me. I mean this has gone so out of line... .However I'd like to set and enforce better boundaries I just find it difficult. Say she starts an argument over nothing, then she starts name calling... .I tell her I won't speak if I'm not respected and go to another room... .I can still hear her verbally abusing me... .so I don't see any difference... .I am not responding but she keeps her name calling and cursing... .I still heard everything she said... .it still hurt as much... .

[Daniell85]

Then leave the house. You don't have to stay there and take the abuse.

Alternatively put on a head set and listen to some music or watch a movie with the head set on.

[Mustbeabetterway]

Hi Aleks,  sounds terrible for all of you.  I have learned that I really had to take a hard look at my part in the discord. 

I felt like a victim also, but we have to get over that and use the power that we have to make our own decisions.  Do it for yourself and also for your son.

You may not have a clue how to do this, and I did not either.  But, I am tired of letting things happen to me and I am making some changes in myself.  You cannot change her.  I repeat you cannot change her.

It sounds like you are afraid of her anger and want to avoid it.  I was the same way.  That is what makes us Walk on Eggshells.  Let's think about irrational anger - it is not rational, there is no rational explanation.  So you have to stop trying to understand it and decide what you are going to do.  She actually cannot "make" you do thkngs.  You do them to appease her.

For example, my husband is a name caller and cusses like a sailor often at me.  He knows I get all worked up when he calls me names.  That is why he does it.  He wants a response from me.  Probably, he wants to "make" me do something.  In the past, I would jump up and start trying to make things right or engage in a protracted fight with him.  But, now, I leave the room or the house so I dont have to hear it.  Usually, when I come back (15 minutes to an hour) things have calmed down.  If so, I go on as if it didn't happen (this has been a hard one because I like to pout but all the pouting in the world did not make it better and usually made it worse). If he persists, then I take another break. 

Try it.  i hope these things may help.  There is a Better Way - Take Care 

[Aleks]

Hi Aleks,  sounds terrible for all of you.  I have learned that I really had to take a hard look at my part in the discord. 

I felt like a victim also, but we have to get over that and use the power that we have to make our own decisions.  Do it for yourself and also for your son.

You may not have a clue how to do this, and I did not either.  But, I am tired of letting things happen to me and I am making some changes in myself.  You cannot change her.  I repeat you cannot change her.

It sounds like you are afraid of her anger and want to avoid it.  I was the same way.  That is what makes us Walk on Eggshells.  Let's think about irrational anger - it is not rational, there is no rational explanation.  So you have to stop trying to understand it and decide what you are going to do.  She actually cannot "make" you do thkngs.  You do them to appease her.

For example, my husband is a name caller and cusses like a sailor often at me.  He knows I get all worked up when he calls me names.  That is why he does it.  He wants a response from me.  Probably, he wants to "make" me do something.  In the past, I would jump up and start trying to make things right or engage in a protracted fight with him.  But, now, I leave the room or the house so I dont have to hear it.  Usually, when I come back (15 minutes to an hour) things have calmed down.  If so, I go on as if it didn't happen (this has been a hard one because I like to pout but all the pouting in the world did not make it better and usually made it worse). If he persists, then I take another break. 

Try it.  i hope these things may help.  There is a Better Way - Take Care 

Thank you so much for your support. It's true... .I am afraid of her anger and fury, of her irrational thinking, mean remarks and I have always tried to do things so as not to trigger another rage episode. Now I realise it was all in vain and nothing was ever enough. I really hate to admit it but it's true; she didn't make me do anything, I chose to give in to her every whim... .and in the process I lost myself as a person. I know now that she'll never change and the power is within me... .I really hope I'll have the strength to stop being a victim and become the person I used to be. I am trying so hard to not get drawn to her negativity, not respond to her comments and impose healthy boundaries but it is so hard... .what I find really difficult is to validate her when everything she says is so irrational and pure nonsense. I know you're supposed to validate a feeling, an emotion but when you're accused of something you haven't done how can you validate that... .I pray to God to give me enough strength to handle this the right way... .

Now she still wants a divorce... .earlier today she asked how can we work things out, yesterday she wanted a divorce as soon as possible... .today she says we should take the divorce slowly... .I am so sick of this... .since the beginning of our marriage there was always this: "I love you and you're the best thing that ever happened to me/I hate you and never loved you and I wanna divorce."

[Mustbeabetterway]

I know it is all difficult.  Of course you want to make your spouse happy.  Me too.  But, sometimes the things that work are counterintuitive.  What seems the normal thing to do is not always the best response.  That is why some of the tools that make things better take much practice.

I am sometimes the one who wants to throw in the towel.  I get so frustrated.  But, since this is the "Improving a RS" board then lets try to improve ourselves!  Lol

So do something for yourself. Do something that brings you joy.   and for Heavens sake visit your mom if you want to. 

Actually, your wife may change or she may not.  The point I was trying to make was that you cannot make her change by as you say "giving in to her whims".

You can do it.  Sounds like you care about her and would like to improve things.  Go for it.  But, remember it usually is slow progress.  Stop and appreciate the little victories.