Broke up with a woman I am pretty confident is BPD

[ripcurl16]

I dated an amazing woman who I think is BPD and maybe has other issues too.  To her credit, she did try and tell me about them as best she could. She did not tell me she is BPD, probably not to scare me off but almost all of the symptoms were there in full force except for me knowing she has tried suicide or to physically hurt herself.

Essentially, after two dates she appeared to have had sex with someone else.  I did not pry because she was adamant were not not exclusive.  She claimed she did not have sex with him but I doubt most people would believe her story.  Regardless, I did not see the point in arguing about what I could not prove and she did not apologize for hurting me -- although she may have and I'd have to see the email but I doubt she did.

I started to pull away toward the end of the relationship.  She texted, emailed and called me a lot.  I felt she was very controlling by telling me not to see this or that friend or relative when I wen on a trip.  I could have been more re-assuring but I am not blaming myself.

My point is she eventually texted me that I had "competition".  I called back and asked who it was and she told me some guy she could tell was interested in her asked for her number and she gave it to him.  I complained and told her if I had done it then she would not have been understanding and we agreed to be open with people that we were dating each other exclusively. 

She responded by cursing me out.  I abruptly ended the conversation by telling her I was ending it.  She was surprised.  She did tell me she came from a very verbally and emotionally abusive home and did not speak with her parents for years.  So I was concerned she was re-enacting something from that past because it was all new to me.

She never called to apologize.  When she did call weeks later she suggested that I was over her which was not the case.  She did not apologize and expressed surprise that she had no idea how things got so bad, so fast.  When I told her what I shared here she was not apologetic at all and justified her conduct.  So I told her there was no point in talking if that was the situation.

She then unleashed a bunch of hurtful and false accusations that I doubt she believed but for whatever was fine sending -- as she stated she had re-edited what she wrote to me several times.

I responded by not responding soon.  I responded a few days later.  She repeated that she was not sorry for hurting me and that it was all my problem.

She then told me she still missed me and loved me and that I was the first guy she was in love with (she is 31) and that she wanted some things back (that I admit were hers). 

I sent back one of the two items.  I then offered to talk and she rejected my offer and said we should go our separate ways.  I told her I would return the rest of the items -- I put all items she bought for me and my kids after only knowing me for 2 months and they were generous and thoughtful gifts.  I also texted her I agreed with her and that she should not contact me again.

I am feeling sad and wondering if there was a better way I could have handled all of this.  My intention when I was pulling away was to meet her in person and decide what to do with our relationship.  She told me she had broken up with her last boyfriend (age 21) by text.  She then denied her was her boyfriend of 3 months (yes they had sex many times and she bragged a lot about it in ways I found strange)

I guess I am left feeling empty and sad because most women I have known in the past would have some level of empathy.  She does not.  Can anyone here help me understand what happened?

BTW she stated I hate her.  I never suggested that at all.  Where does all this suddenly come from when we used to tell each other we loved each other.  I agree we moved way too fast.  But I don't hate her at all, and told her so, to no avail.

[thisagain]

Hi Ripcurl,

Welcome to bpdfamily 

There are probably some things you could have handled differently, if you'd known more about what was going on. I'm not sure it would have made a difference to the outcome of the relationship.

There are a lot of resources here for you to learn more about BPD, why people with BPD act the way they do, and what the non-BPD partner can do to have a better relationship. Even if it's completely over with your ex, those skills will benefit you in any relationship. Those lessons are available here: Detaching from the Wounds of a Failed BPD Relationship.

How long were you two together, between the second date and the text about "competition"? When did you decide to be exclusive?