Left me and wants nothing to do with me

[Depression = 72% of members]

I have been reading on the boards for a couple of weeks now and have finally decided to make an account . So me and my ex were together for about 2 years and a half, at the beginning of our relationship she was hospitalized and diagnosed with BPD. We've had our share of problems but the good always outweigh the bad. I thought that we were doing great but two days before Valentine's Day she tells me that she isn't in love with me anymore and has to move out. we met up a week after that had lunch and spoke , she cried to me and told me that this has got to be really hard for me. I have not been the perfect partner , during one of our break ups I hooked up with another girl and refused to see my Ex. I was so upset at the way that she left me that I refused and made the ultimate mistake. We got back together but there was always that doubt in her head, I have flirted with other girls through text but never cheated. I have used this time to reflect on myself and all the mistakes that I made in the relationship and have truly changed my prespective . I'm madly in love with this woman and can't keep her off my mind . I wrote her a letter and waited outside her job for and gave it to her, when she saw me she was furious and told me that she didn't want to see me that way, she didn't want to see me depressed, so we take the train together and keep talking and the whole time she kept bring up my mistakes and how she deserved better than for me to do that to her. How I've had chances and I took advantage . I start to cry because I couldn't take it anymore and she gets really mad and says I have to get over this .She tells me she loves me and cares for me but isn't in love with me and will never see me that way. I have introduced her to my daughter and my whole family loves her . My mistakes have cost me everything but I have learned and will never commit the same error again. She told me that she doesn't want to be with anyone , that she just wants to be alone , and has no feeling towards the relationship we had or trying to fix it. What I don't understand is a couple of weeks before all of this happened she was always telling me she loved me and missed me while we were apart. During this whole ordeal she's blocked my number so I can't reach her , this morning she unblocked me . I've told her that I could do anything to make it work and she's said that its too little to late, before we'd have fights and break up but we'd always get back together . This time she says that the feeling is gone and she just knows, that she'd rather be alone and not always have to look at her phone. She's coming to pick her things up on Thursday and I don't know what to do. She's such a great person and I'm ashamed at myself for letting temptation ruin such a great bond. I need help, I want to win her back and get over all of this , I just don't know how to go about it.

[Jaybast]

I have been reading on the boards for a couple of weeks now and have finally decided to make an account . So me and my ex were together for about 2 years and a half, at the beginning of our relationship she was hospitalized and diagnosed with BPD. We've had our share of problems but the good always outweigh the bad. I thought that we were doing great but two days before Valentine's Day she tells me that she isn't in love with me anymore and has to move out. we met up a week after that had lunch and spoke , she cried to me and told me that this has got to be really hard for me. I have not been the perfect partner , during one of our break ups I hooked up with another girl and refused to see my Ex. I was so upset at the way that she left me that I refused and made the ultimate mistake. We got back together but there was always that doubt in her head, I have flirted with other girls through text but never cheated. I have used this time to reflect on myself and all the mistakes that I made in the relationship and have truly changed my prespective . I'm madly in love with this woman and can't keep her off my mind . I wrote her a letter and waited outside her job for and gave it to her, when she saw me she was furious and told me that she didn't want to see me that way, she didn't want to see me depressed, so we take the train together and keep talking and the whole time she kept bring up my mistakes and how she deserved better than for me to do that to her. How I've had chances and I took advantage . I start to cry because I couldn't take it anymore and she gets really mad and says I have to get over this .She tells me she loves me and cares for me but isn't in love with me and will never see me that way. I have introduced her to my daughter and my whole family loves her . My mistakes have cost me everything but I have learned and will never commit the same error again. She told me that she doesn't want to be with anyone , that she just wants to be alone , and has no feeling towards the relationship we had or trying to fix it. What I don't understand is a couple of weeks before all of this happened she was always telling me she loved me and missed me while we were apart. During this whole ordeal she's blocked my number so I can't reach her , this morning she unblocked me . I've told her that I could do anything to make it work and she's said that its too little to late, before we'd have fights and break up but we'd always get back together . This time she says that the feeling is gone and she just knows, that she'd rather be alone and not always have to look at her phone. She's coming to pick her things up on Thursday and I don't know what to do. She's such a great person and I'm ashamed at myself for letting temptation ruin such a great bond. I need help, I want to win her back and get over all of this , I just don't know how to go about it.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Jaybast]

Can someone please help?

[livednlearned]

Hi Jayblast,

It sounds like two issues. One is that she has genuine and deep abandonment fears -- that's one of the core aspects of the diagnosis. She will likely have a harder time than many overcoming what she feels was abandonment, even if she is the one who broke things off.

The other is that she needs to see you as the guy she fell in love with. As hard as it may be, showing that side of you, the great guy you were when you met, is who you need to be for her right now. When she sees you are torn up and depressed, she sees how she can hurt you, and that makes her feel worse. It also puts the relationship in a more difficult place -- it feels like work. 

Can you find the lighter part of yourself right now? Let go of the guilt. It isn't going to help win her back, and could only drive her further away. When or if she brings it up, focus instead on validating how she feels. If you need help learning this skill, try to ask validating questions. They can be very powerful.

Same goes if she says she doesn't love you anymore. Accept and acknowledge her feelings. It doesn't mean you agree. It tells her you hear what she is saying, and that may have the effect of getting her to stand down a little. Right now she probably perceives (rightly) that you will do anything to win her back so she is on the defense. Let her know you hear her, and work on your abandonment anxiety.

Be the awesome guy you were when you met. 

[Jaybast]

@livednlearn thank you for the advice, I have read and tried to implement some of the validating questions. But it doesn't seem to work yesterday we spoke over the phone and she was furious again, telling me that she has no desire to speak to me nor does she want to have any kind of relationship with me romantic or not. I told her she was my best friend and I just want to talk to her and she said you were thinking about that when you did what you did , when she says she has no desire to speak to me I said but how can you speak to your friends and she says my friends didn't do what you did to me. I honestly feel like this is beyond repair . And to make things worse she went and had dinner with a friend , her friend just broke up with her girlfriend and she says after what so and so told me I realize that some things just don't work out. She told me she didn't hate me but was yelling at me and saying hurtful things . I worry bout her a lot . She tells me that she doesn't care about the relationship or me but she posted something on social media about how being pretty won't keep a man or being a good woman won't keep a man only a man that wants to be kept can be kept . When asked about that she said it has nothing to do with me and to trust her that nothing she does has to do with me . I feel like she's pushing me away so hard . Whenever I talk she always says that I didn't think about that when I was out with that other girl. Mind you that incident happen a year ago. I don't know I'm so lost

[Jaybast]

Also she has never been like this with me before so angry and so unforgiving . I feel like something is going on with her, and she's acting like she's happy but I don't really see it.

[livednlearned]

Validation is easy to understand, hard to implement.  

It's also about creating a validating environment so that our loved ones feel emotionally heard. She likely escalates her anger because she doesn't think you are empathizing with how she feels. If you are hoping that validation will convince her to change how she feels, that won't work out well, I'm afraid.

For me, the initial mistake I made was to ask validating questions and then quickly shift to defending myself.

She feels you betrayed her, abandoned her, moved on. Can you let yourself feel how that might feel, and try to set aside guilt or defensiveness or what you want? It doesn't mean you agree she is right necessarily. It means you are willing to see how she could feel that way. And to just let her have those feelings without trying to change them.

When I validate my loved one, I sometimes have to be with him while his emotions are on tilt, and, as long as he is not being abusive to me, let him feel how he feels. I often wait until his emotions have run their course, when the more rational part of his brain is in lockstep, before I introduce solutions. Timing can be everything.

In a romantic relationship, it's not a good idea, too, to become needy or clingy. It's hard when your own abandonment anxiety is triggered, but sometimes you have to stand down and give people space. She is being very clear with you right now about how she feels and doing what you are doing is not working. It may be time to focus on building yourself back up to be the awesome guy you were when you met  

[sebastian.l]

What about the ultimate mistake of 'hooking up with other women' and 'flirting with other women on the phone'... .I think that's the 3rd issue here that triggers her pain. Seems like she feels betrayed and fears you can easily replace her pretty quickly, which of course triggers a lot of fear. Not only in people with BPD.

[Jaybast]

Yeah I can see that . All I can do now is play the waiting game, she used to live with me and still has a lot of her things at my place, and also my phone is under her name, she says she'll pay for it but doesn't want me to think that she's doing it to fix us or work on us . But I can see how she's in pain , and nothing I do or say can fix it. It's just such a drastic change from her side , maybe I shouldn't contact her for a while and just give her space but I just see her drifting further and further away . She has a lot of pride .

[sebastian.l]

I don't want to be harsh. It just seems to me not a typical BPD behaviour. It reads like someone puts up all the strength to detach from something that caused a lot of pain and she can't overcome it. And there is a real reason, the 'other women', it's not an imaginary one. Sorry man, I don't want to blame you, I am not a saint. Just seems to like she wants to detach. Best to do in this situation is probably give space and be in the waiting loop. It's hard I know!

[Jaybast]

Yeah I guess that's all I can do is just wait, i found this behavior weird because before that she was always on top of me and showing me lots of love then the next day it was totally different.

[livednlearned]

I agree with sebastian.l, it's probably best to give her some space, even when/if she picks up her things. It's a good idea to do this in a way that keeps the door open, like letting her know you hear her, while also being strong. If the last thing she remembers is a desperate, guilty, needy guy beating himself up, that's not the guy she fell in love with. If you can be gentle and validating with her, while also forgiving yourself and understanding where you were at, that's the sweet spot.

Because if she does come back to you, she can't stick a poker in you every time she is upset -- that's not going to work in a BPD relationship. She has to know that you aren't there to be skewered, you have self respect, even if you've made mistakes.

[sebastian.l]

Yeah I guess that's all I can do is just wait, i found this behavior weird because before that she was always on top of me and showing me lots of love then the next day it was totally different.

I understand. Yes, the quick mood swing in all or nothing is odd. You mentioned the Valentine's Day. Maybe worth to look in this. Maybe something in the past reminded her

[Jaybast]

Yeah I have been lookin into that a lot, we haven't had contact with each other and to me it doesn't look like it's going to happen anytime soon. I have been taking it one day at a time, my older sister invited her over to her house for a girls night and she agreed to go. Hopefully she has a break through over there or something in her thinking changes. I also never gave her her Valentine's Day gifts, I have them in the house but never mentioned it to her that I had them, whey should I do with them?

[Jaybast]

Ok so here's an update, last night she called me and we had pretty casual conversation, we were on the phone for about 40 minutes just talking about things in our life's at the moment. The whole time we spoke I didn't bring up our relationship, but she did . She told me that she didn't like me and laughed, I asked her why and she said " because you hurt me before and you want to come back acting crazy like I should get back with you". I laughed it off and said , hey I didn't say anything about you getting back with me. She then asked if we could talk tomorrow (today) because she was tired and had to work early, we said bye and hung up. Now I have had some movie tickets for a while and I have to go close to her job to exchange something, I asked if she would be interested in catching a movie today after work, she said she was busy but opted to go tomorrow . This is good progress , no?

[livednlearned]

Did you end up going to the movies together?

[Jaybast]

Did you end up going to the movies together?

No we didn't she says her father and sister are picking her up from work today because they have a family event to go to, I asked if she worked tomorrow and she said that she was off Tuesday that we can go then. But she did ask me not to speak about our relationship and said ok, but I asked her if she had someone new and she got furious and told me that I shouldn't ask her that again, she also said that if she were to see someone new , that she didn't have to tell me. So I said that I was only asking because I didn't want to come in between anything and she said "you won't ". But she still agreed to come with me to the movies Tuesday so I am no stuck again.

[livednlearned]

You might want to prepare yourself for another cancellation.

If that happens, you might want to be light about it, and let her know you're there if she ever feels like doing anything.

She may be trying to deal with control in a way that isn't healthy for her, or for you. This article explains it: https://bpdfamily.com/content/why-we-struggle-in-relationships

[Jaybast]

What do you mean another cancelation ? You really think that she would cancel again? I was thinking that too but didn't want to believe it . I'm keeping thoughts hopeful because I love this woman to death and I will keep fighting for her.

[livednlearned]

If she does cancel, you have to understand it in the perspective of BPD. Canceling may have nothing to do with you, it may be more about managing strong emotions (fear of abandonment/fear of engulfment).

The best way to "fight for her" is to be emotionally grounded. She is on a roller coaster, your job is to stay on the ground, not to get on it with her. It's hard, Jaybast. None of this is easy. You want to be back to the way things were, and that doesn't exist anymore. Going forward, keep your own independence front and center -- this will help her with her own struggle to feel independent. She is less likely to go swinging from one (fear of abandonment) to the other (fear of engulfment) if you can remain grounded yourself.

[Jaybast]

Yeah I'm trying my hardest , she told me that she said to leave her alone from day one, so I haven't texted her the last thing we said was when we agreed to meet up on Tuesday. I still don't know what to do with her Valentine's Day gift . I don't want her to think that I'm giving it to her to try to win her back.

[Jaybast]

Ok so now I have learned that she lied to me about having to work today, she still says that we are on for tomorrow but she does not know that I know she isn't at work. What should I do should I still go?

[livednlearned]

People with BPD experience a lot of anxiety, and a lot of shame. Her feelings are likely jumbled up, and she may feel pressure to "show up," so that she says yes even though she's not sure it's what she's ready to do. It's not emotionally mature, which you want from her, it also is what it is.

You're hoping to get back together with her, and calling her on this will probably sink your chances. This is why we talk a lot here about values and boundaries. Some people aren't ok with lies like this, some people are ok, especially if they understand where it's coming from (say, to protect herself, her emotional vulnerability).

If you want to reassure her that things are going to be ok, you have to be light, easy, no pressure, no gotchas, no punishment. She isn't sure yet what's in store by meeting up with you and has already been hurt again (and again) by you as she sees it, and is likely working double time to figure out her own feelings.

[Jaybast]

So if I do meet with her tomorrow what should I speak to her bout ? What should our conversation consist of ? I'm thinkin about taking her to dinner before the movie . Should I bring her gifts or leave them home ? She still hasn't made an attempt to pick up her belongings .

[livednlearned]

If it were me, I would keep things as neutral as possible. Stick to movie only, light conversation. No big topics, no overt romantic gestures, just hey, how are you, talk about the movie, etc. Go slow, and then slow it down even more.

Give her emotional and psychological space from the relationship and the churn of any big emotions so she can relax 

[Jaybast]

Ok thank you so much for the insight I really do appreciate all the help. I'm going to try to get some good rest so that I can enjoy the day as much as I can with her . I'll keep the conversation light and see what comes of this .

[Jaybast]

Another cancellation, I'm about to give up all the way. I can't be having my hopes up like this all the time, now she has to work today.

[livednlearned]

Another cancellation, I'm about to give up all the way. I can't be having my hopes up like this all the time, now she has to work today.

She can't reconcile her feelings. With BPD, it is very hard to hold two opposing truths in mind at once. This is why there is black/white thinking. It's why dialectical behavior theory is recommended, to learn that something hurtful can also be ok at the same time.

She may want to see you, and can't because of the emotional intensity and storminess going on inside her, with very little understanding about what she's feeling.

How did you respond when she cancelled?

[Jaybast]

I told her that it was ok that maybe we could go another time. She said sorry and told me that she promised to call me before she went to work .she texted me a picture of her breakfast that her father had cooked her and told me she was spending time with him, I had replied because I am just waiting for her to call.

[C.Stein]

She may want to see you, and can't because of the emotional intensity and storminess going on inside her, with very little understanding about what she's feeling.

I think we ourselves may have been in this place a time or two with our respective borderlines.   

[Jaybast]

So here's an update. After that cancelation, she calls me and we talk about regular things and she brings up the relationship. Tells me she loves my family and loves my daughter , and also that she loves me as a person, I have a big heart bla bla blah and that what I am doing is too little too late. Tells me that she absolutely wants nothing to do with me and doesn't want to talk to me, it's been a week since then and I have cut all communication with her, my phone is under her name, she has a bunch of stuff at my house, like 75 percent of her clothes and shoes are here, she hasn't made an attempt to get them. I deleted all my social media but I logged in recently and by what she's posting it looks like this whole ordeal isn't phasing her. I can't believe it's gotten to this point . Over one month without her and looks like no way of winning her back.