Why I'm Here

[Ab123]

I'm about 6 weeks post break up, 17 days post closure / last contact. I've been dating, and recently became exclusive with a really great guy, who objectively is a huge "upgrade" from my ex, and appears "normal" for a divorced 40 something. My ex is active on a trashy dating site (much trashier than the one we met on), consistent with his declaration that he can't give me "what I deserve" and that a very casual friend w/benefit relationship is all he expects to have with women for the rest of his life.  He says I was his last attempt at sharing his life with someone.  I have checked out his profile, and am repulsed. I would not respond to a guy like the one he now projects himself to be.


So why am I here?  Because even though I've gone a couple days without crying, I still think about my ex All. The. Time.  He's like a phantom. As much as I put the pieces together, the illogic of his behavior means that every time I recall a happy memory and miss him, I must go through the exercise of explaining everything I "know" about the situation to myself. Becuase when I first have the memory, when I first crave him after being triggered, I again feel the confusion of not understanding why we couldn't work. It just doesn't make intuitive sense; it requires reasoning and acceptance that his reality is different than mine / most people.

no other breakup has been like this. Every other time I've separated from someone, it's made sense. Even though instances of  "he's just not that into me" made sense, even as they hurt, because closeness was necessarily lacking before the rejection. This breakup was like a sudden amputation; a ripping apart from someone with whom I was closely emotionally bound.

I find this board soothing. It helps ground my reasoning that makes sense of the breakup/implosion that still feels tragically wrong. It also helps me understand that I must not go back if/when he circles around, and that I'm therefore doing the right thing by seeking something new rather than waiting for him.

Thanks so much to everyone who shares their stories. It helps so much.

[anothercasualty]

I'm about 6 weeks post break up, 17 days post closure / last contact. I've been dating, and recently became exclusive with a really great guy, who objectively is a huge "upgrade" from my ex, and appears "normal" for a divorced 40 something.

I know the pain you are going through, and I can appreciate wanting the closeness of a new person, but are you really ready for that? Do you maybe need some time to yourself to deal with the pain from your ex?

I am not criticizing and I am asking genuinely.

[Fr4nz]

Hey ab,

unfortunately it's very common to not have closure when a relationship with a BPD ends.

You must find closure within yourself; this will take time, knowledge of the disorder and, if you think it could help, assistance from a T (usually it greatly helps!).

Take your time, it will be a long process, these relationships are far from normal.

[Ab123]

I'm about 6 weeks post break up, 17 days post closure / last contact. I've been dating, and recently became exclusive with a really great guy, who objectively is a huge "upgrade" from my ex, and appears "normal" for a divorced 40 something.

I know the pain you are going through, and I can appreciate wanting the closeness of a new person, but are you really ready for that? Do you maybe need some time to yourself to deal with the pain from your ex?

I am not criticizing and I am asking genuinely.

Thanks. That's a fair question. Part of the reason I initiated the breakup with my ex is that I sensed he was shifting and was less capable of a commitment than he had appeared earlier in the relationship. I was looking for something long term and stable. I don't know that spending time alone would really help me heal, and it certainly wouldn't move me toward finding the partnership I want. So, I viewed "getting back out there" like getting back on a horse after being thrown. Time alone might have made the wounds deeper, or, worse, made a backslide more tempting. During the post breakup push/pull phase he did ask to see me, but his intentions were murky and I refused because I wasn't interested in "ex sex" or morphing into a friend with benefit situation. It would have been a lot harder to walk away from that recycle attempt if I wasn't hopeful about finding someone more stable/suitable, and I'm not sure I would have felt as hopeful if I wasn't actively trying to meet people.

I have what little closure I have precisely because I asked him (pushing hard) to give me closure to free me to meet someone I could count on, if he wasn't willing or able to be that man for me.