The problem is that all of this is a shock to me, I just thought she was a difficult person to communicate with, and the criticism and contempt in my marriage was my fault (bad husband!).
4B1, Blaming others is another significant trait for pwBPD. It is like they see something in themselves and cannot confront it and so "project" their feelings onto the people that are closest to them, usually spouses are prime targets. This disorder is triggered by intimacy. In other words, just being close to your wife will create a trigger for her and blaming others and not taking responsibility are primary traits of the disorder.
She wants to work on the marriage and as a Christian she and I are conflicted about divorce, however it is an option for me if she doesn't get help and get better.
So, I want to offer a word of caution here. If you love your wife, and it sounds like you do, it will behoove the both of you if you can learn about communicating with your uBPw (undiagnosed BP wife). One of the teachings is that threatening them will only escalate the feelings that they are having and create a deeper spiral. pwBPD traits are afraid of abandonment, if she feels that you are threatening to leave, it will only heighten her fears and create more of the unwanted emotional states that are part of the issues you are experiencing.
Here is a link to a great article about
Communication Skills that is worth reading.
she also needs to deal with the issues from her past that brought her to this point with a licence professional. I have gotten really low and don't feel much hope for the future at this point.
While it is likely true that she if she is BPD she would benefit from therapy, you cannot force her to see that or to go for some of the reasons that I mentioned above. Further, people with BPD don't often clearly see their own behaviors or the impact they have on those around them. These actions are driven primarily by feelings, and for pwBPD, feelings are facts.
Given that you are feeling low, have you thought about trying to locate a therapist for yourself that could help with understanding your wife's condition and offer some strategies for improving your marriage?
As a side note to what I wrote above, I was married for 11 years, went through many of the feelings you are describing and retrospectively, wished I had had some of the resources on this board to help me understand what was going on.
BPD is a serious mental illness, it takes time to learn what it is and how best to address it. Go easy on yourself as you begin to learn. Feel free to ask any questions.
