Anybody else feel like an addict?

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

I was discarded earlier in the week. Her exact words to me were, "do not contact me again." This occurred after two weeks of the silent treatment. She treated me awfully at times: the silent treatment for weeks, withdrawal of affection, terrible mixed messages, mood swings/minor outbursts, subtle manipulations, and I feel like she recruited me by proxy in a smear campaign against her ex-husband.  However, I never had more fun than when I was with her. I've never been more attracted to anyone. When she was good to me, she was REALLY good. Nobody treated me better. That's what makes this so difficult.

I find myself HOPING that eventually she will recycle me. I feel embarrassed about it. All of my friends and family are telling me to let go, resist the urge for her to H-O-O-V-E-R me. I feel like it's only a matter of time before the recycle, and I'm terrified.

I believe she's uBPD. Her ex-husband, according to her, is a sociopath. She's always going to court because of him (because of the kid) and he was supposedly abusive. Can I believe that? She has abused me. Is it logical to assume that she's lying, and in fact, she also abused him (and not the other way around)? Are these false accusations? Will his fate be my own?

I am an addict. I know that our interactions are unhealthy and I still crave them. How can I even be friends with this person I care about so much and enjoy spending time with if she's a Borderline Waif (Madonna subtype) that will continually hurt me?

Does anybody else feel like an addict?

[sweet tooth]

I was discarded earlier in the week. Her exact words to me were, "do not contact me again." This occurred after two weeks of the silent treatment. She treated me awfully at times: the silent treatment for weeks, withdrawal of affection, terrible mixed messages, mood swings/minor outbursts, subtle manipulations, and I feel like she recruited me by proxy in a smear campaign against her ex-husband.  However, I never had more fun than when I was with her. I've never been more attracted to anyone. When she was good to me, she was REALLY good. Nobody treated me better. That's what makes this so difficult.

I find myself HOPING that eventually she will recycle me. I feel embarrassed about it. All of my friends and family are telling me to let go, resist the urge for her to H-O-O-V-E-R me. I feel like it's only a matter of time before the recycle, and I'm terrified.

I believe she's uBPD. Her ex-husband, according to her, is a sociopath. She's always going to court because of him (because of the kid) and he was supposedly abusive. Can I believe that? She has abused me. Is it logical to assume that she's lying, and in fact, she also abused him (and not the other way around)? Are these false accusations? Will his fate be my own?

I am an addict. I know that our interactions are unhealthy and I still crave them. How can I even be friends with this person I care about so much and enjoy spending time with if she's a Borderline Waif (Madonna subtype) that will continually hurt me?

Does anybody else feel like an addict?

[Nuitari]

I'm right there with you.  When my ex got back with her husband, she wanted to remain friends, but this didn't work because it was too painful for me.  I've been on NC with her for months now, and yet I constantly find myself questioning this decision.  I tell myself that, given all of her problems, that marriage is going to self-destruct at some point, and at least if I'm still in her life when happens I'll have a chance to be with her again.  But then I ask myself why I even want that, given the problems I know she has.  If her marriage does self-destruct one day, why do I think our relationship would fare any better?  Its very confusing.  I can no longer deny that she is a deeply troubled person who is incapable of playing any other role in my life than a destructive one, and yet I've never felt more closer to anyone, and I'm afraid I'll never find that with anyone else.

[outside9x]

Sweet Tooth!

You story is so familiar and I believe many will tell you the same.  I feel your hurt , I do.  And, in the coming days and weeks, you'll question yourself whether you should of done this better or only if you acted this way, or behaved that way when she said this or that, if you only acted different you still would  be with her now.  It hurts, I know.  But you are blaming the wrong person.  even though she attacked and treated you badly, you'll feel in someway , this is all your fault, even deep down, you know its not true.  Yes, we are to blame for letting them in, and we needed it, wanted it, craved it.

Yes, it's exactly like a drug because it does produce certain chemicals inside of you, and like any drug it's very addictive, and even though it's bad for you, you have to have it.  That's why, NC is so important.  To go without it, in order to return to your normal self, one that cares about you and right now, trust me, you are letting yourself in for more harm with contact.

Too be honest, After all the recycling I broke N/C more than a couple of times because of the shearing pain I felt inside , but it always winds up with the same sad results, and hurts more.  So, if you do break, DO NOT BEAT YOURSELF UP. But don't use weakness as an excuse for contact. IT's so hard, I know!

So, you just have to walk through this pain.  There is no easy way, other than friends and family support.  You prayers, you willingness to keep busy, and stop obsessing.  

You'll have go through all of this unfortunately, but I assure it gets better over time and you will feel stronger, even though at times, you'll convince yourself that if it truly hurts this bad you must go back.  NO!  It's the dependency, nothing more.  

After awhile you might still feel some stings, from time to time, but it gets easier and easier and you will see and feel more clearly, and feel stronger, and realize, it wasn't really love, even though right now, you feel you can love no one, like that ever!

It will subside, and your mind and emotions will be mended.

Hang in there!  Take care!

[lingering]

Don't go back.  Love yourself enough to leave all unkindnesses behind.

[sweet tooth]

I'm right there with you.  When my ex got back with her husband, she wanted to remain friends, but this didn't work because it was too painful for me.  I've been on NC with her for months now, and yet I constantly find myself questioning this decision.  I tell myself that, given all of her problems, that marriage is going to self-destruct at some point, and at least if I'm still in her life when happens I'll have a chance to be with her again.  But then I ask myself why I even want that, given the problems I know she has.  If her marriage does self-destruct one day, why do I think our relationship would fare any better?  Its very confusing.  I can no longer deny that she is a deeply troubled person who is incapable of playing any other role in my life than a destructive one, and yet I've never felt more closer to anyone, and I'm afraid I'll never find that with anyone else.

I feel the same way, bro. I've been telling this to my support system: if she were abusive ALL of the time, this would be easy. I would have said "goodbye" and meant it long ago. However, the inconsistencies are what makes it unbearable: One day she treats me well. The next is hell. I've had some of the best days of my life with her, and we've never gotten physically intimate beyond holding hands and kissing on the cheek. It's not about sex. I feel an intimate connection I've never had before. It's heart breaking, man.

[sweet tooth]

Sweet Tooth!

You story is so familiar and I believe many will tell you the same.  I feel your hurt , I do.  And, in the coming days and weeks, you'll question yourself whether you should of done this better or only if you acted this way, or behaved that way when she said this or that, if you only acted different you still would  be with her now.  It hurts, I know.  But you are blaming the wrong person.  even though she attacked and treated you badly, you'll feel in someway , this is all your fault, even deep down, you know its not true.  Yes, we are to blame for letting them in, and we needed it, wanted it, craved it.

Yes, it's exactly like a drug because it does produce certain chemicals inside of you, and like any drug it's very addictive, and even though it's bad for you, you have to have it.  That's why, NC is so important.  To go without it, in order to return to your normal self, one that cares about you and right now, trust me, you are letting yourself in for more harm with contact.

Too be honest, After all the recycling I broke N/C more than a couple of times because of the shearing pain I felt inside , but it always winds up with the same sad results, and hurts more.  So, if you do break, DO NOT BEAT YOURSELF UP. But don't use weakness as an excuse for contact. IT's so hard, I know!

So, you just have to walk through this pain.  There is no easy way, other than friends and family support.  You prayers, you willingness to keep busy, and stop obsessing.  

You'll have go through all of this unfortunately, but I assure it gets better over time and you will feel stronger, even though at times, you'll convince yourself that if it truly hurts this bad you must go back.  NO!  It's the dependency, nothing more.  

After awhile you might still feel some stings, from time to time, but it gets easier and easier and you will see and feel more clearly, and feel stronger, and realize, it wasn't really love, even though right now, you feel you can love no one, like that ever!

It will subside, and your mind and emotions will be mended.

Hang in there!  Take care!

How many times did you recycle? Did she break it off with you or did you break it off with her? Or some of both?

[sweet tooth]

Don't go back.  Love yourself enough to leave all unkindnesses behind.

Much easier said than done, as just about anybody here can attest to. I'm making a therapy appointment tomorrow.

[sweet tooth]

Is it possible to be friends with these people? This chick kept telling me, "I just want to be friends." I said, "okay" numerous times. However, she kept acting like we were a couple. Naturally, I got confused. I told her she was giving mixed messages and then invalidated my feelings on the subject. She basically said, "deal with it." That's when I got the two week silent treatment and then discarded. I really don't understand what she wanted from me.

[snowmonkey]

I feel for everyone in this thread as I have been there and I will be there again too in the not too distant future.

When I am ready I will make the break permanent and go absolutely NC. I will take steps to ensure that I cannot contact her and she will not be able to contact me.

The ideas I have are:

i) take out a restraining order on her,

ii) move to another country. possibly easier for me as I have dual passports.

iii) change my phone number, change my email, deactivate FB etc... .

iv) make recordings of her rages to circulate to her friends and family, and my friends and family. She will never speak to me again if I expose her behaviour.

Basically, I want to put as many obstacles in my path to avoid contacting her again when I finally go NC.

I do not trust myself to have the strength to do it otherwise.

[sweet tooth]

The ideas I have are:

i) take out a restraining order on her,

ii) move to another country. possibly easier for me as I have dual passports.

iii) change my phone number, change my email, deactivate FB etc... .

iv) make recordings of her rages to circulate to her friends and family, and my friends and family. She will never speak to me again if I expose her behaviour.

Basically, I want to put as many obstacles in my path to avoid contacting her again when I finally go NC.

I do not trust myself to have the strength to do it otherwise.

Be careful with that last one, coach. It sounds like you might be getting vindictive. You don't want to escalate her rage. Besides, she WANTS drama. The best thing you can do is just set boundaries to defend yourself. Feeding the beast will just make it bigger and stronger.

[C.Stein]

I feel the same way, bro. I've been telling this to my support system: if she were abusive ALL of the time, this would be easy. I would have said "goodbye" and meant it long ago. However, the inconsistencies are what makes it unbearable: One day she treats me well. The next is hell. I've had some of the best days of my life with her, and we've never gotten physically intimate beyond holding hands and kissing on the cheek. It's not about sex. I feel an intimate connection I've never had before. It's heart breaking, man.

My experience was much the same.  More good than bad, but the bad cut so deep and never got addressed or repaired so each cut just deepened the wound and pushed me further away.  I believe this does make it harder to detach because you want to believe in the good, that the good will prevail because she/he is so close.  Sadly that was not the case and it brings a great sorrow and sadness to my heart.

I also experienced a deep emotional connection with her like no other and it wasn't about the sex for me at least.  That said the times when that connection was expressed the most from her was when we were physically intimate.  I suppose that should be a red flag.

[Narkiss]

Yes, to answer you initial question. It is an addiction and I can't stay away. And I beat myself up about it. I convince myself that it will not work, that I cannot be with a person who can change his mind about me, about our relationship, on a dime. It makes me incredibly anxious and feeds into all my fears. Then, I am either in so much pain that I reach out (figuring that at least if he rejects me, then it's over) or I feel like myself again and think I can handle it. And he responds. Then I fool myself into thinking it can work. But the pattern is already set.

He discarded me once (decided it wouldn't work and brought someone else to a dinner). I also hoped that he would recycle me. I heard from him about 3.5 weeks later -- like nothing was the matter (issues are also never resolved. either papered over and ignored or cause a breakdown. there is research that shows that people with BPD do not see when a relationship is breaking down and do not know how to repair it) -- and started the cycle again. About a month later, he decided he had enough and packed me up to go home. And then called about five days later... .I wouldn't call it charming exactly. I think he misses me, feels lonely, etc.  I don't think we can be friends. I feel too strongly about him. Although I love being with him... .

[Narkiss]

Meant charming (not charming). Do not know why it keeps changing... .

[sweet tooth]

Yes, to answer you initial question. It is an addiction and I can't stay away. And I beat myself up about it. I convince myself that it will not work, that I cannot be with a person who can change his mind about me, about our relationship, on a dime. It makes me incredibly anxious and feeds into all my fears. Then, I am either in so much pain that I reach out (figuring that at least if he rejects me, then it's over) or I feel like myself again and think I can handle it. And he responds. Then I fool myself into thinking it can work. But the pattern is already set.

He discarded me once (decided it wouldn't work and brought someone else to a dinner). I also hoped that he would recycle me. I heard from him about 3.5 weeks later -- like nothing was the matter (issues are also never resolved. either papered over and ignored or cause a breakdown. there is research that shows that people with BPD do not see when a relationship is breaking down and do not know how to repair it) -- and started the cycle again. About a month later, he decided he had enough and packed me up to go home. And then called about five days later... .I wouldn't call it charming exactly. I think he misses me, feels lonely, etc.  I don't think we can be friends. I feel too strongly about him. Although I love being with him... .

Please take comfort that you are not alone. I'm pretty much in the exact same situation as you and I'll offer you any suppor I can. I don't know if this has private messages. If it does, feel free to hit me up. These situations suck. Like I've been saying, it would be so easy if the abuser was mistreating you ALL the time. I've had that happen before. It was a lot less painful.

By the way, that H O O V E R/charm thing is a pain in the ***. It's been doing it to me, too.

[GottaMoveOn]

I will echo what others have said - it is an addiction. My therapist has compared it to that numerous times, and I have to agree. I've never felt anything like this, experienced anything like this before.


Whenever we would break up, and they said "never talk to me again, I can't stand you, you disgust me, etc." I listened. I maintained NC even though it hurt... .at first. They would break it, and I would hope things would be better - because nobody can go through this cycle so many times and not change, right?

Well, I was right about one thing - I was the one that changed. I finally realized that even if they break NC, it's up to me if I want to talk to them. Let them back into my life. What they said about me, to me, behind my back - that isn't me. That is their twisted perception of me in order to make things easier for them (splitting, devaluing, gaslighting, etc). That I wanted to maintain a friendship showed how naive I was - nothing but NC is possible to maintain my happiness and self-esteem. It's been about a week since the last explosion where they called me abusive, manipulative, and disgusting (that was one of their favorite words), and I haven't heard from them nor have I reached out.

It hurts - a lot. But time, distance, and honestly laughter will help.

[sweet tooth]

Whenever we would break up, and they said "never talk to me again, I can't stand you, you disgust me, etc." I listened. I maintained NC even though it hurt... .at first. They would break it, and I would hope things would be better - because nobody can go through this cycle so many times and not change, right?

That is basically exactly what happened to me. She was paranoid that I'd drop her. She went from, "you've been a great friend and I don't want that to ever change" to "do not contact me again" with the flip of a switch. She was telling me how many great times we had and how we have to go to the beach then literally TWO DAYS later having an episode, telling me we aren't a couple and that I "don't even know her."

My mom said if I ever get back with her "I deserve what I get." My coworker, who is basically my work mom, said, "if you get back with her I'LL KILL YOU."  Literally all of my suppor system is telling me to drop her. I swear, it's like I'm on heroine. I know it's toxic, but I still want it.

[Narkiss]

Sweet tooth: I sent you a private message. thanks

[once removed]

hey sweet tooth  

i think when someone cuts us off like that, it can be extremely anxiety inducing to say the least. i think a lot of what youre experiencing makes sense. and i think the hope and expectation that your ex will reach out is understandable, nothing to be embarrassed about - i experienced it too. i had a deep wound to my ego and it seemed all that would soothe it was any sign or validation that i crossed her mind. for those of us that have been left, there is often a profound sense of rejection that lingers.

it sounds like there is a lot of pressure on you from friends and family. how does that make you feel?

[Nuitari]

Is it possible to be friends with these people? This chick kept telling me, "I just want to be friends." I said, "okay" numerous times. However, she kept acting like we were a couple. Naturally, I got confused. I told her she was giving mixed messages and then invalidated my feelings on the subject. She basically said, "deal with it." That's when I got the two week silent treatment and then discarded. I really don't understand what she wanted from me.

I don't think she understands what she wanted from you.  That's the problem with borderlines, I think.  They don't know what they want.  Their priorities and sense of values are so unstable that they're always changing them, hence the mixed signals.  

I agree with others here that NC is really the only way to go.  It's hard at first, but gets easier.  And while I do have moments of weakness and doubt, those moments are becoming less frequent and severe as time goes on.  I've become too strong to get drawn back in again.  I know I'll never talk to her again.  But still, when she does try to contact me, a part of me is pleased to know that she still thinks of me.  How messed up is that?

[sweet tooth]

it sounds like there is a lot of pressure on you from friends and family. how does that make you feel?

It makes me feel terrible, especially when it comes from my mother. She has terrible boundaries and is probably why I have issues setting boundaries in the first place.

[once removed]

it sounds like there is a lot of pressure on you from friends and family. how does that make you feel?

It makes me feel terrible, especially when it comes from my mother. She has terrible boundaries and is probably why I have issues setting boundaries in the first place.

i can imagine it does make you feel terrible. it sounds like it makes you feel as if something is wrong with you for feeling the way you feel; there isnt. youre grieving. i suspect your friends and family have good intentions, but may not be aware that the message they are sending may be invalidating, causing you feelings of alienation and shame which isnt productive. heck, people telling me that i could never go back triggered my own sense of abandonment. we all have the right to grieve at our own pace. youre in a place where i can assure you that youre understood, not judged, and where many have experienced similar feelings. youre not alone in this  .

have you considered expanding your support system to include a therapist?

ps. we have a piece/explanation about Charming

[sweet tooth]

I feel very invalidated. I only have one friend who listens to me without judgement. I have another that listens and tries to be supportive. Everyone else has their own 2 cents:

"You SHOULD do X, y, and z"

"WHY do you feel that way?"

Also a lot of passing judgement on my upwBPD. Not trying to even consider that the person has a problem. Just a lot of negative labeling: psycho, b*tch, etc. It isn't constructive.

I made an appointment with a therapist this morning. I saw a different therapist off and on for several years. I wanted to try somebody new. Nothing gainer him personally, I just feel like I did all I could with him. He just talks. There's barely any coping strategies involved.

I do feel like I'm in a safe, understanding place on this board. I appreciate the fact that it exists.

[stimpy]

I feel very invalidated. I only have one friend who listens to me without judgement. I have another that listens and tries to be supportive. Everyone else has their own 2 cents:

"You SHOULD do X, y, and z"

"WHY do you feel that way?"

Sweetooth, yes, I had a very similar experience with friends/family who just didn't "get it". I was lucky, I met someone, quite by accident who had been through something very similar a few years earlier, and she has been my mentor through my recovery process. There are people out there who understand, therapy groups, therapists or sometimes people you just come across. There is also this forum, which has proved invaluable, and I'm sure you'll find it very helpful. 

I think Nuitari was onto something with the comment



I don't think she understands what she wanted from you.  That's the problem with borderlines, I think.  They don't know what they want.  Their priorities and sense of values are so unstable that they're always changing them, hence the mixed signals

Without a proper sense of self, I think their ideas and priorities shift and move around all the time, making it bewildering and confusing for us as we try and work out what they want. If they don't know themselves, what chance do we have.

Stimpy.

[sweet tooth]

I have an analogy for how I feel. I don't know if anybody is familiar with Clive Barker's Hellraiser films and literature. The premise is that an individual can solve a puzzle box that provides both immense pain and immense pleasure simultaneously. The box also opens a doorway to hell that reveals The Cenobites, demons whose sole purpose is to torture inhabitants of hell.

The puzzle solver = The non

The box itself = The pwBPD

The cenobites = BPD

[outside9x]

Sorry to get back so late.  She broke up with me about 5-6 times, then came back and I at 1st didn't want to but I couldn't help myself. 

Then after another epic outburst , I finally broke it off with her, and that hurt because now she was really calling and saying she was sorry etc, etc, so I came back, only to get lasted even worst, 2 weeks later.  But then I broke it off again, after even another outburst .  This went on for about 4-5 months and finally, I ended it, but it was really hard!

[GreenEyedMonster]

Yes, I totally get the addiction thing.

One of the symptoms that you're in a bad relationship is feeling that you are "in love" with someone you don't actually like.  That's the addiction talking.  You realize that the relationship is bad for you, and that your partner might not even be a particularly good person, but you still want the interaction.  Sometimes you even still want bad interactions!

I was fortunate, in hindsight, that my ex kept threatening me with PPOs.  I wasn't stalking him and he had no legal grounds for one, but it did curb any desire I had to try to contact him and work things out.  I am not sure I would have had that kind of restraint all on my own. 

I didn't go NC.  I've seen my ex a handful of times since the breakup and didn't avoid doing so.  But the limited contact and perpetual threats definitely helped my emotions readjust and I saw the light -- see my thread about the mask.  I think that he could contact me now and I could talk to him without feeling like I was getting sucked back in.  But then again, seeing him again doesn't really give me warm fuzzy feelings.

[JerryRG]

I was and still am obsessed with my ex, I spent so much time and invested so much of myself into her wellbeing that she became an idol. I in my codependency and family history of alcoholics, fixing them and caretaking I set myself up good for this relationship. I treat her as a drug and work the AA steps to deal with this addiction. I know it takes time to heal and that's ok, we say in AA if we spend 20% of the same amount of time we dedicated to our addictions into our recovery we will improve in no time.

Good luck everyone.

Recovery is number 1, without it there is nothing else.

[ja.pani.ka]

sweet tooth and all,

I can deeply relate to what you say.

I was in a relationship with a pwBPD for 11 months. Broke up almost a month ago.

The beginning was tricky, cause I rented him a room, the next day we became lovers (I'm 49 and still stupid as you can see), two days later he lost his job. I very quickly understood what I was dealing with as I had a BPD mother, and of course thought I can cope with it as the well-informed person not expecting miracles, but... .

And of course I have the same feeling: some of the moments with him were obviously the very best moments I ever had in any relationship: he was intimate, caring, funny, adventurous, empathic, problem solving, sex was great and everything. And of course on the other hand there were moments which were by all means the worst in any of my, not only romantic, relationships with other human beings (except for my late BPD mother), with him yelling at me, blaming me for everything, being completely insensitive, ridiculing me when I was most vulnerable, even during sex etc. I was ready to break up in September but he went to therapy and we continued till mid February.

On St.Valentine's he told me that although I'm a very important person in his life, he doesn't love me, he did it in a very delicate way, cheering me up etc. I asked what next then, and he said he doesn't know, he will take what life brings.

The next day I was on a business trip to another town and suddenly I noticed how different I am among other people, when I don't have to censor myself, think about other people's moods all the time, choosing to keep quiet etc., I noticed that I am actually loosing myself, disappearing in this relationship. I decided to break up. Quite fortunately he was going to dog sit at a friend's place for two weeks. He left the next day, kept writing me things such as "come here to stay over night, as this is getting insane", but I refused. He must have messed up there, as after 4 days he told me he has no place to go, I told him he can not live with me any more. I was feeling very bad about actually leaving him on the street, but I knew this was my only way out. He had a failed attempt at hitchhiking to Spain, then asked me to give him keys to my ("our" car which I did, he slept there for 3 nights, then decided to go to a hospital (which I suggested).

He still is at the hospital. In the meantime he had this sudden discovery that I was in his life for him to discover he was bisexual (don't ask me about the reasoning behind that, I actually had once a boyfriend who then discovered he was gay, so this was the proof for him that the theory is true). He kept sending me text messages with all kinds of revelations on this topic, until I blocked him, because I just couldn't take it any longer, I was feeling so instrumentally used in a way, which he completely can not understand. I saw him twice since, for 2 minutes each time, when he just came to grab some stuff while on a short leave from the hospital.

I'm seeing a therapist, I take antidepressants, which also help me sleep, but still I find it very hard. I broke up several relationships before (after 20 years with my husband included), and it was never that hard. I know I'm codependent, as my mother had BPD, but I don't think codependency explains fully why I find this guy so attractive and why I never felt like that before. Actually, my parents were married for ca. 30 years and after my mother left my father, he started drinking and died quite soon after that. So this can give some sense how strong (and creepy) these relationships are (for a reason I still find mysterious although I read probably every book on this topic).

And if you knew me, the rational, no-mess, no-bull___ type, who can clear up after a heavy bombing in two hours  you would never believe I am the same person: I'm simply torn to pieces. Everything seems to remind me of him and I simply break into tears, no matter where I am at the moment. It seems that before I could only think about how to cope with him, and now I can only think about how to cope with this grief. I know we heal with time and bla bla bla, but this really sucks. I miss him so badly, and on the other hand I know I can never go back, he isn't even the same person anymore, and he isn't even available to me anymore.

So, yes, I fully empathize. And lets hope we will overcome this one day. All the best, guys.